BluEyeL Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Just pick up the damn tab for the both of you. It looks bad when you and your girlfriend split the check. You are a couple, you pay and you work it out how she reciprocates, either picks up the tab next time you two go out together, or pays you back. This check splitting looks petty . 4
Gaeta Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Just pick up the damn tab for the both of you. It looks bad when you and your girlfriend split the check. You are a couple, you pay and you work it out how she reciprocates, either picks up the tab next time you two go out together, or pays you back. This check splitting looks petty . I so agree. Especially for lunch! How expensive a burger can be eh ! 1
carhill Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Continuing the separate check idea, something my exW and I did once we had dated awhile was to 'switch off', where I'd pick up the check on one occasion and she on the other, regardless if it was a date or us out in a group. Our check was always a 'couple' check and we handled the payment stuff privately. Easy Peasy. We both had businesses and money so felt it completely normal as a couple to do it like that. Prior, as with all dates, I handled paying for dates because that was my style. It sounds like the GF here is amenable to paying for dates so that is one possible solution. 2
BluEyeL Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I also pay for both of us in a group setting or just when we go out together, but we do not split. The idea is that we are together in front of the world. I split the check with my colleagues at work, not with my SO. 3
Popsicle Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Someone is naturally more generous than you. There will always be someone who is more something or other than you. You can't let it freak you out every time. Be yourself and let the chips fall where they may in the dating game. It all ends up where it should be.
lollipopspot Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I kind of like the guy who picks up her check. He seems generous.
doeblin Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Wevon's right. I think the main issue is not that OP is not paying for his gf, but that this guy is trying to embarrass the OP in front of his GF. This is highly disrespectful. Even if everyone agrees that OP should pay all the time when going out (and I don't think everyone agrees). She should have shut him down, even if she'd prefer not to go dutch. I kind of like the guy who picks up her check. He seems generous. A truly generous person would pay for the whole table, not for some other guy's gf. This is territorial, the very opposite of generous. 5
Art_Critic Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I kind of like the guy who picks up her check. He seems generous. and if the OP doesn't watch it he will be dating her soon..... Just pick up the check and end the tug of war....
Wewon Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Very interesting. As a man do you think OP should solve this or his girlfriend should? It really doesn't matter, but to be honest, her saying something would be more efficient at both stopping it and putting him in his place. That being said, I think that people are getting too caught up on the $$$ and the need for putting on some kind of public face. That's not the problem. The problem is that this guy is posturing to show a form of dominance. Either to try to upstage the guy or to show that he "taught the youngin' a lesson" when the OP starts picking up the tab. And make no mistake, this isn't about him maintain some kind of social norm or civilizing effect, this is him jockying for position in the group. This type opportunism is one of the reasons that the 'male friend' is often treated with suspicion; he's trying to exploit, what he perceives to be, an opening. He knows good and well that the women are watching him and he's well prepared with all of the platitudes to defend his behavior if confronted directly. That's why the OP should mock him for his strutting, not the gesture itself or better yet, have his girlfriend order lobster.
Samhain Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I'm still a little confused as to why there was a conversation beforehand where they "agreed" she would pay for her own meal. Of course, there's nothing wrong with that, but if a couple are exclusive and not the back and forth first dates dance, I'm not sure what the big deal is about him paying for his own girlfriends food. This would never be an issue in my relationship because a) my girl would tell a man flat out "I don't want you paying for my food" and b) it wouldn't be an option (unless he was paying for the entire table) because I always pick up the check for me and my partner. I don't expect every man to agree with me but I feel that as a man I like to pay for my woman if we're out to eat. I just get this feeling that there was a whole conversation about her paying for her own food because he doesn't want to pay for both of them, but he doesn't want somebody else paying for her and making him look bad either. Who is to say that this other friend doesn't know some details of the relationship and does view the OP as "tight" and thinks he's doing the right thing by his friend, because he believes that's what a real man should be doing. 3
Wewon Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 A truly generous person would pay for the whole table, not for some other guy's gf. This is territorial, the very opposite of generous. I totally agree. His "generosity" is very strategic.
Easyguy14 Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 My gf and a group of her friends go out to eat like once a week, when it's time to pay, one the guys in the group is always paying for her meal (at least 5 different occasions) while I'm there. There last time this occurred I wanted to pay and we were going back and forth on who's going to pay my gf's meal. Before all of this, me and my gf had an agreement that she will rather pay for her meal when going out. This guy pays for her meal and doesn't say anything. When the topic comes up, I told her that I'm not comfortable of another person paying for your meal and that its disrespectful. She looks at it like I'm getting mad for no reason and not even trying to look at my view as her bf. This then turned to a big argument. Was I in the wrong and is it okay for another guy to pay for my gf's meal. You're in the right 100% don't be fooled no other way. This girl will tolerate a lot if she puts up with other men paying for her food with her boyfriend on the sidelines. I'm disappointed in this. I would drop her and watch her run off with this other guy. She's a flopper!
Wewon Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Who is to say that this other friend doesn't know some details of the relationship and does view the OP as "tight" and thinks he's doing the right thing by his friend, because he believes that's what a real man should be doing. And this may be 100% correct. But this is why we have (and appreciate) boundaries. Everyday you likely see people in relationships doing things that you would never want/tolerate in your own. But I bet you don't feel the need to swoop in and teach a lesson to the parties involved. I see relationships where one person completely controls the purse strings, where one party nags the other about what they eat, or one feels the need to sit in the passenger seat and critique the driver. I would hate living like that, but I damn sure won't step in to say, "Well here is how a relationship is supposed to work! There, isn't that better?" Its simply not my place and I certainly don't want someone doing that to me and my wife. They don't know our back story or how we got to where we are. It reminds me of the waitress that refreshes your coffee right have you got the cream and sugar mixture just so. I learned a long time ago that relationships are like a pair of glasses, what works for one not only wont work for other, but could very well make matters worse.
Samhain Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 And this may be 100% correct. But this is why we have (and appreciate) boundaries. Everyday you likely see people in relationships doing things that you would never want/tolerate in your own. But I bet you don't feel the need to swoop in and teach a lesson to the parties involved. I see relationships where one person completely controls the purse strings, where one party nags the other about what they eat, or one feels the need to sit in the passenger seat and critique the driver. I would hate living like that, but I damn sure won't step in to say, "Well here is how a relationship is supposed to work! There, isn't that better?" Its simply not my place and I certainly don't want someone doing that to me and my wife. They don't know our back story or how we got to where we are. It reminds me of the waitress that refreshes your coffee right have you got the cream and sugar mixture just so. I learned a long time ago that relationships are like a pair of glasses, what works for one not only wont work for other, but could very well make matters worse. I absolutely agree with you, because I do think that's the case, I think he does believe he's doing the right thing, rather than purposely trying to goad the OP. However, the girlfriend here seems to have no problem whatsoever with this guy paying for her meal, which is telling because she clearly considers it a gentlemanly gesture which she very well probably would prefer coming from her own man. The beforehand conversation was pretty much him telling her to pay for her own food and her agreeing, and zero about him considering to pick up the check for both, he just doesn't want the other guy to. Unfortunately we live in an age where relationships are much easier to throw away because they're broken than to stay and fix them. So if it's a relatively new relationship, things like another guy paying for a womans food because her own man won't will make her see her man in a different light. So I just feel that all of this could be solved by the OP sucking it up and just picking up the check for both of them, it's a relatively small price to pay in the grand scheme of things.
carhill Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 OP, since this guy is one of your girlfriends friends, how do the rest her friends act during all this going's on? If this guy is one of her friends, if she wanted to date him, well, she'd be dating him and would never have met you. BTW, is he single, LTR or married? I know that sounds shocking but I've known enough LTR/married guys who play this game to never rule it out. As long as people remain vertical and breathing some will take things absolutely as far as they can. Heh, witness this guy.
phineas Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Very interesting. As a man do you think OP should solve this or his girlfriend should? GF has no desire to solve the problem. So at this point it is up to him to solve the problem by letting the beta provider orbiter that he accepts his bid for the woman & just walks away never to have to deal with her or him again. Least that's how i'd handle it. But I usually pay for women i'm dating when we go out so i can't imagine i'd ever end up in this situation to begin with.
lollipopspot Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 GF has no desire to solve the problem. So at this point it is up to him to solve the problem by letting the beta provider orbiter that he accepts his bid for the woman & just walks away never to have to deal with her or him again. If I understand you correctly... I don't think the guy who wants to pay is a beta. I think he's an alpha (as stupid as those terms are).
phineas Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 If I understand you correctly... I don't think the guy who wants to pay is a beta. I think he's an alpha (as stupid as those terms are). No, IF he was alpha he would pay for everyone then take the girl home with him & have his way. Alpha's need to get something out of their actions when it comes to women. That is why they get the girl. They are alpha. Instead he is paying for some other guys GF and hoping it makes her attracted to him. Would you pay for a girl who had a BF and was perfectly capable of paying for herself out of the goodness of your own heart? I wouldn't. She's not my woman. I'm not getting anything out of it. When I go out in groups i may buy a round or a woman friend's drink once but not all night like the other guys. Nor do I hit on them all night either. Hell, the women usually buy me a drink. Guess who has slept with those women at least once and guess who hasn't?
Maggie4 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 "Group of friends"? Maybe this guy is her ex or at least she has dated him a little. If that's the case, I bet some of the other friends in the group knows this, and that's why they don't react to him paying for her.
road Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I absolutely agree with you, because I do think that's the case, I think he does believe he's doing the right thing, rather than purposely trying to goad the OP. However, the girlfriend here seems to have no problem whatsoever with this guy paying for her meal, which is telling because she clearly considers it a gentlemanly gesture which she very well probably would prefer coming from her own man. The beforehand conversation was pretty much him telling her to pay for her own food and her agreeing, and zero about him considering to pick up the check for both, he just doesn't want the other guy to. Unfortunately we live in an age where relationships are much easier to throw away because they're broken than to stay and fix them. So if it's a relatively new relationship, things like another guy paying for a womans food because her own man won't will make her see her man in a different light. So I just feel that all of this could be solved by the OP sucking it up and just picking up the check for both of them, it's a relatively small price to pay in the grand scheme of things. It is not gentlemanly, not good manners, not a sign of good breeding, not a sign of class. It is an OM trying to work his way in. And, a GF that is willing to allow this. 1
Heer Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Happy New Year!! Hi verbal graffiti. As a girl myself, I can for sure guarantee you that your gf letting another man pay for her is definitely her "using" the other guy. No friend will consistently pay for another friend without some kind of reimbursement. You say that this guy pays for your gf consistently, which means that your gf should reimburse the guy friend instead of it just being a gift (this does not apply to birthdays, New Years, Christmas, he got a raise, special occasions). If its not a special occasion, your gf should "know" better than to consistently accept "gifts". I know this because there have been times where my guy friend payed for my meal, but I always pay him back later or during the meal. Unless there is a specific reason, I won't let him treat me. Hope this helps you out!! -Kisses 1
loveflower Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 It is not gentlemanly, not good manners, not a sign of good breeding, not a sign of class. It is an OM trying to work his way in. And, a GF that is willing to allow this. Same can be said about a man not paying for his gf. 3
lollipopspot Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Unless there is a specific reason, I won't let him treat me. That's you, but that's not everyone. Sometimes people just like your company and will treat. It doesn't necessarily mean more than that one person has more money than another and enjoys being generous.
doeblin Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 That's you, but that's not everyone. Sometimes people just like your company and will treat. It doesn't necessarily mean more than that one person has more money than another and enjoys being generous. But we're talking specifics here, not in general. Let's say it's the 5 of you having dinner, 2 couples and the guy. The guy pays for himself and one of the girls. That's not broad generosity, because he didn't try to pay for everyone or both girls, but only for one of them who is presumably not broke and has a bf. And he does this consistently, not occasionally. OP's right to think something's fishy. If OP let's it, then the guy will say he's showing him, if the OP starts paying for her, then the guy will change his tactic... but not his goal. OP should probably pick up the next check and half-jokingly call out the guy for his fake generosity. (But don't be rude! Try to be cool and witty instead...) 1
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