VeveCakes Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Ok hon, now we're talking. I have dated several African men before. Many of them are married back in their country! It doesn't matter if they're here 10-20 years they are married there! and are sending money to wife and kids. They come over here and then engage in relationships with white women and think it will never be discovered. Something definitely up.... No way in knowing when he was actually back there. Maybe just emotionally unavailable?
introverted1 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Does it matter why? Seriously... not being hard-hearted here, but it seems as though we (all of us) spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out WHY things are, rather than focusing on WHAT things are. In this case, we have a guy who's 35yo, has been dating the OP for 6 months, has not told her he loves her, and is unwilling to do something as benign as meet her family. And when OP mentions that she is afraid she is being set up for a hurt, he says nothing. So really, does it matter whether he is emotionally unavailable, or in the country illegally, or hiding a wife in Ghana, or in the witness protection program, or whatever? 2
Author Tabby32 Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I think it's a bit unfair to assume he has a wife and is being deceptive just because he is originally from Ghana. I don't have the slightest suspicion that that is the case. Being emotionally unavailable is an issue though, yes. This is not the best way to spend New Years
Versacehottie Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 He has a sister in this country but she lives 4 hours away and I've never met her. She is his only family in the UK. His parents passed away a few years ago. I don't think the sister knows about me. I have met his housemates as he lives in a shared apartment and 2 other friends who came over while I was there. He messaged me back after I said I needed time to think and said sorry. I said 'i know you are but I feel like I'm setting myself up to get hurt'. No response to this. Still trying to work out what to do. Ok, well I know why he didn't respond to your last text. Because you already told him you need time. He's said sorry several times. He "thinks" he is doing the right thing to back off and let you think about it. Your text didn't require an answer. To him, it's just a status of where you stand and he is probably giving you space and trying not to be so pushy. He will also probably take a step back to try to figure out how to make it right--scared to say much more for fear of messing things up more with you. Don't read into him not answering your last text. It's not where you are going to get a grand gesture. Things don't just happen like they do in the movies. Good luck with thinking about things. 1
Author Tabby32 Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I haven't made my mind up about what to do. He has always been very good to me so I feel conflicted. I think I need to give it a bit of time before talking to him. 1
Author Tabby32 Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Thank you Versacehottie that makes a lot of sense. 1
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I think it's a bit unfair to assume he has a wife and is being deceptive just because he is originally from Ghana. I don't have the slightest suspicion that that is the case. Being emotionally unavailable is an issue though, yes. This is not the best way to spend New Years I am sharing my experience with you. I did not come up with that on top of my head. It happened to me twice. 2
Versacehottie Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I haven't made my mind up about what to do. He has always been very good to me so I feel conflicted. I think I need to give it a bit of time before talking to him. Well I think that's smart because you definitely have leverage on this that you need to use. He needs to know that his reluctance to open up puts the relationship on the whole in jeopardy--it's much better to show with actions than with too much talk. In the end if I were in your shoes, I would continue to date him assuming you can come to an agreement about you telling your family. As I said, you should stand your ground on that one. Your relationship with your family is your business. You are not telling them anything private about him or breaching his confidence. You are just telling them what's going on with your life (after 6 months it would feel secretive to do anything else with most families). He is not required to take any action regarding this. TBH, it's not his decision to make.
Author Tabby32 Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Sorry to hear that Gaeta, that's awful . I understand where you're coming from as I have heard of this situation being common. In this case I'm not worried though.
kendahke Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I think it's a bit unfair to assume he has a wife and is being deceptive just because he is originally from Ghana. I don't have the slightest suspicion that that is the case. Being emotionally unavailable is an issue though, yes. This is not the best way to spend New Years My experience with Ghanaian men turned out that they are romance scammers/catfish. It's why I'm totally turned off of OLD. They infest OLD dating sites. They will talk all isht about being God-fearing xtians while lying up a blue streak to get money out of you. I think that you should give some consideration to what Gaeta is saying. Why wouldn't he jump at the chance to take your relationship to a deeper level by you telling your family about him? Makes no good sense. Seriously, you should ask him if he is married so that he is on the record one way or the other. As a good xtian, he should answer you truthfully. Look at it this way: it's better to spend NYE putting the brakes on something that isn't working out than to go head-long into it and really getting hurt in 6 more months. 1
Author Tabby32 Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I appreciate what you're saying. I too have met men like that so I believe my eyes are wide open and I know the type you are talking about well. This guy pays for everything when we go out, buys me gifts and has even offered to pay for my driving lessons and for a plumber when I had a burst pipe. He has a very well paid job, has been settled in the UK for a number of years and is not a scammer. I also don't believe that he is married. He has never been dishonest with me as far as I can see. That is not the issue. The issue was the way he reacted and what that means.
kendahke Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I also don't believe that he is married. He has never been dishonest with me as far as I can see. That is not the issue. The issue was the way he reacted and what that means. I dont' think the two are mutually exclusive, but if you believe he is single, then so be it.
Author Tabby32 Posted January 1, 2016 Author Posted January 1, 2016 I've decided to give him one more chance. He told me he was sorry for freaking out and that he feels stupid for the way he behaved. He said he thought we had something really good and would be happy to meet my family whenever I am ready. He has also invited me to his best friends birthday today and says that he wants to introduce me to all his friends. I still feel a bit annoyed with him but I will give him this one chance to turn things around. Wish me luck... 2
Gaeta Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I've decided to give him one more chance. He told me he was sorry for freaking out and that he feels stupid for the way he behaved. He said he thought we had something really good and would be happy to meet my family whenever I am ready. He has also invited me to his best friends birthday today and says that he wants to introduce me to all his friends. I still feel a bit annoyed with him but I will give him this one chance to turn things around. Wish me luck... That's great! so sounds like it was just a knee jerk reaction. Wish you the best for 2016!
No_Go Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I think you're overreacting a bit. I personally never mentioned the existence of a BF to my family (I had 3 including the current one - 1.5 years, 6 months, now going on 10 months) Why? It is how I was raised. Nothing to do with the guys. I'd introduce my current BF maybe at the 1 year mark, because we'll happen to visit my country which is a vare occasion. But I'm terribly nervous about it, I can't even describe how dreadful the feeling is. So maybe your BF has similar feelings? He's not ready to involve his family and that's why he prefers you to not involve yours too? I am a 32 year old woman and have been dating a 35 year old man for 6 months now. He is kind and sweet and we see each other several times a week, but he doesn't open up a whole lot and he has never used the L word. Things seemed to be going well although slowly. We had both said from the outset that we were looking for long term relationships and ultimately to settle down. We just spent a great evening together. I felt really close to him and he seemed to be hinting at us having a future together. I was feeling really happy. Then I asked him how he would feel about me telling my family about him. I wasn't suggesting that he met my family, only that I would tell them he exists. This was quite a big deal for me but I felt that it was the right time. He freaked out a bit and said that we need to 'know more ourselves first' but if I wanted to tell them it's up to me. I felt really hurt by this. I really didn't feel I was asking a lot from him, just for my family to know he exists. His reaction makes me feel that maybe I have been reading everything wrong and to be honest I feel angry inside. He then sent me a message saying sorry if he had upset me but I can't shake off the feeling that this is a bad sign. Am I overreacting? What do you think?
No_Go Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Hey, I think you're generalizing your own preferences. I'm over 30 and never introduced bfs to family - because of the way how my relationship with family is, nothing more I don't really see red flags in OP's case Wait, what? 6 months in and haven't met each others parents? That's pretty ridiculous that he freaked out like that. I met my gf's parents less than 2 months in, and we're in our mid 20s and not looking for anything too serious at the moment. Red flags galore with this dude.
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