Tabby32 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I am a 32 year old woman and have been dating a 35 year old man for 6 months now. He is kind and sweet and we see each other several times a week, but he doesn't open up a whole lot and he has never used the L word. Things seemed to be going well although slowly. We had both said from the outset that we were looking for long term relationships and ultimately to settle down. We just spent a great evening together. I felt really close to him and he seemed to be hinting at us having a future together. I was feeling really happy. Then I asked him how he would feel about me telling my family about him. I wasn't suggesting that he met my family, only that I would tell them he exists. This was quite a big deal for me but I felt that it was the right time. He freaked out a bit and said that we need to 'know more ourselves first' but if I wanted to tell them it's up to me. I felt really hurt by this. I really didn't feel I was asking a lot from him, just for my family to know he exists. His reaction makes me feel that maybe I have been reading everything wrong and to be honest I feel angry inside. He then sent me a message saying sorry if he had upset me but I can't shake off the feeling that this is a bad sign. Am I overreacting? What do you think?
Redfisher Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Six months and he is freaked about you just telling your family about him? Seems off to me. Any other weird behaviour? 8
Sunlight72 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 6 months into a relationship? I do not think you are over reacting. I don't know why this didn't come up 4 months ago, but everyone is different. My last relationship lasted 4 years, and I happened to meet my girlfriend's parents about a week after we started dating. I bumped into them on the sidewalk with my girlfriend. It didn't phase me. She later apologized, jokingly, and it took me a minute to figure out what she was even talking about with an 'apology'. It didn't feel like any big deal to me, we're all adults. I was 40 at that time, and have had 4 relationships in my life, counting that one.
CarrieT Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I don't think you are overreacting. At six months, I would have expected that both of you would have met each others' families if it has gone on this long. Heck, at six months I would have expected the "L" word or I would have moved on.... 5
Author Tabby32 Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Thanks for the advice. Good to know that I'm not crazy. All I can say is that all he has ever been is sweet and kind. He buys me gifts, takes me out, tells me I'm beautiful and when I told him I was a bit down one day he dropped his work commitments and was at my house within half an hour. There are a lot of things that seem right about this. On the other hand he is emotionally distant, and what he said has really hurt me a lot. My situation is a bit different in that my family live 4 hrs away and his family live in another country, so I didn't want to tell them until I felt comfortable that they might one day meet him. I also had a long term partner who passed away 5 years ago, so for me telling my family about anyone new is a bit more of a deal. I haven't replied to his sorry message and I just can't sleep thinking about this (I'm in the UK so probably a different time zone to most of you). I feel like it could be silly to throw this away but then is there any point hanging on? Really confused. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 That's not a good sign. At 6 months, it should not be a problem for your family to at least know he exists. The fact he is not comfortable with that would not sit well with me. Does this also mean his family doesn't know about you? Have you met any of his local friends? I also live abroad (Rome) and I have a local boyfriend here. We've been together for one year, and although my family (all at home in Canada) hasn't met him in person, they most certainly know about him and have met briefly on Skype. He is also FB friends with my brothers and father. It is certainly no secret that we are together and he is important in my life. I am telling you this because I fear he hasn't clued in his family about you, and might try to excuse that by claiming they all live far away. Don't let him do so, if that's the case. 3
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 He then sent me a message saying sorry if he had upset me but I can't shake off the feeling that this is a bad sign. Am I overreacting? What do you think? Could it have been a knee jerk reaction on his part ? then after he realized he over reacted and apologized. Otherwise have you taken your relationship public? have you met his friends? colleagues? about yours? You said he's from another country. Does he have any family at all where you're at? 1
Versacehottie Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Well I don't think you are overreacting. That said, relationships are a process of figuring stuff out, negotiating and making compromises, and getting to understand the other person. I think you were well within your rights to say what you said. Actually most people wouldn't have even asked for permission on this!!! Since it's really your business to tell your family about what's going on in your life. If you were asking him to meet them that's a different story. I think it was a courtesy ask and I can see why it hurt! Here's the thing about guys like this. They usually make mistakes, sometimes at our most vulnerable moments. This sh*t is scary for them. It's not an excuse for his behavior. I think in your particular case this instance, you need to stand your ground. AND accept his apology. Don't let it sit too long. Reply tomorrow and repeat your position. Sometimes guys who are more emotionally closed off need time to come around to an idea but they will resist it at first. His other actions show good things. I will say expect more of these types of things when emotional stuff comes up. This is not that emotional to most of us. But I'm sure he got the undertone and message that he also needed to define or commit more to the relationship once you notified them. OR took it that way even if that is not what you meant. I bet you said that sentence about your family because you were having a great night and ready for some relationship discussion between the two of you that signified progression. You did it with your family and expected reassurance of some kind regarding relationship status from him. Yet you not only didn't get that, you got push back and the opposite reaction from what you expected. Work it out. Or try to at least. No relationship is without bumps in the road. 1
GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Beware, he May be emotionally unavailable. I don't use the L word in only six months either but at six months you should have already met each other's famílies 1
sin miedo Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Wait, what? 6 months in and haven't met each others parents? That's pretty ridiculous that he freaked out like that. I met my gf's parents less than 2 months in, and we're in our mid 20s and not looking for anything too serious at the moment. Red flags galore with this dude. 1
kendahke Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 At 6 months in, no, you're not over-reacting to anything. You weren't asking a lot from him--I"m surprised you haven't told your family you're dating him yet. Yeah, something is up with him--red flags for certain. Would be different if this was 6 weeks, but 6 months? That's more than enough time for a man his age to know how he feels about you. Might be a good idea to step back a little and give some serious thought to the wisdom in continuing if he's reaching for a denial instead of an enthusiastic "yes, please do? When can I meet them?" 1
hhatesboys Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Okay, wait wait wait! How close is he with HIS family? You said they live overseas so it is possible they are not a big part of his life. I am NOT close with my family and many of them never even see me, let alone know about who I'm dating. So I can see how this would freak him out. Because to me, my family would not find out about someone I was dating until we were practically getting married. I did date a man who was really close with his family and it did result in weird misunderstandings about how serious/not serious the relationship was. So if he is not close with his family he might just be freaked out by family-type stuff. 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 There is a big difference between hinting about a future and having a serious discussion about a future together. Perhaps he liked the idea of it but not the reality. When you brought up telling your family about him (completely reasonable by the way) he started to panic. I think you need to have a serious discussion about how he is feeling and what he wants out of the relationship. You don't want to leave it another six months, only to find out he never saw the relationship moving beyond what you have now. It may be uncomfortable to address it with him since he doesn't open up much, but it is important that you know where you stand. Good luck.
Author Tabby32 Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Thanks everyone. I managed to sleep in the end. He has texted me several times this morning, apologised and wished me a happy new year, but just feeling down about the whole thing and not really calm enough to speak to him. I sent him a message saying I need some time to think. I will hopefully have a big talk with him when I feel a bit calmer.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Thanks everyone. I managed to sleep in the end. He has texted me several times this morning, apologised and wished me a happy new year, but just feeling down about the whole thing and not really calm enough to speak to him. I sent him a message saying I need some time to think. I will hopefully have a big talk with him when I feel a bit calmer. Sorry you're feeling so down today, OP. I don't blame you. Can you confirm whether you've met any of his local friends? Does his family know about you?
Author Tabby32 Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 He has a sister in this country but she lives 4 hours away and I've never met her. She is his only family in the UK. His parents passed away a few years ago. I don't think the sister knows about me. I have met his housemates as he lives in a shared apartment and 2 other friends who came over while I was there. He messaged me back after I said I needed time to think and said sorry. I said 'i know you are but I feel like I'm setting myself up to get hurt'. No response to this. Still trying to work out what to do.
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 He has a sister in this country but she lives 4 hours away and I've never met her. She is his only family in the UK. His parents passed away a few years ago. I don't think the sister knows about me. I have met his housemates as he lives in a shared apartment and 2 other friends who came over while I was there. He messaged me back after I said I needed time to think and said sorry. I said 'i know you are but I feel like I'm setting myself up to get hurt'. No response to this. Still trying to work out what to do. How long has he been in your country? I don't want to alarm you but it's possible he has a wife in his home country?
Author Tabby32 Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 No I'm not worried about that. He has been in the UK for 15 years and hasn't been back to his home country for about 5 years. He has an established career and friends here. I trust him in that respect.
introverted1 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 He has a sister in this country but she lives 4 hours away and I've never met her. She is his only family in the UK. His parents passed away a few years ago. I don't think the sister knows about me. I have met his housemates as he lives in a shared apartment and 2 other friends who came over while I was there. He messaged me back after I said I needed time to think and said sorry. I said 'i know you are but I feel like I'm setting myself up to get hurt'. No response to this. Still trying to work out what to do. Silence is sometimes louder than words. I'm sorry you are going through this. 1
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 No I'm not worried about that. He has been in the UK for 15 years and hasn't been back to his home country for about 5 years. He has an established career and friends here. I trust him in that respect. Then it's something else. Is he from a different culture and religion than you? Would the fact he's dating someone from another cultural heritage be a problem with his parents?
Author Tabby32 Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Hi parents are no longer alive. We are both from Christian backgrounds although neither of us are strongly religious. He's black (from Ghana) and I'm white British but I'm not aware of this being an issue in his family and know that his cousins wife is white British.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Hi parents are no longer alive. We are both from Christian backgrounds although neither of us are strongly religious. He's black (from Ghana) and I'm white British but I'm not aware of this being an issue in his family and know that his cousins wife is white British. I would ask him to please be honest and let you know what his reservations are. Something is holding him back and it's better that you know now so you can decide how to proceed from here.
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Hi parents are no longer alive. We are both from Christian backgrounds although neither of us are strongly religious. He's black (from Ghana) and I'm white British but I'm not aware of this being an issue in his family and know that his cousins wife is white British. Ok hon, now we're talking. I have dated several African men before. Many of them are married back in their country! It doesn't matter if they're here 10-20 years they are married there! and are sending money to wife and kids. They come over here and then engage in relationships with white women and think it will never be discovered. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 How long he's been in UK? 15 years, she said. Hasn't been back to Ghana in 5 years.
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