I think he is the one that got away, and I miss him terribly.

[what_if]

I met my ex from one of the most random chance encounters - he and I somehow matched on Tinder despite him living more than 6000km away from me. The moment we started talking, we connected right away. I was drawn into him as I have difficulty connecting with others most of the time, and most people don't take time to notice or appreciate my quirks.

 

I happened to travel alone near his area one week after our encounter, which had been planned before I even knew he existed. He was really excited to meet me in person, and booked his flights to where I was traveling. Midway through my travel, I was in an accident and he was concerned that I was all by myself in a foreign country. He flew me into his area. He even drove three hours at night away from his country to pick me up at the airport because I missed my initial fight due to another accident on the highway, and had to take an alternative flight.

 

We met for the first time in person at the airport terminal exit. It was one of the greatest trips I was ever on. I was at his place for a week, then we traveled together to where I was initially planning to meet him. The night before the end of my trip, he asked me to date him exclusively, saying he really wants to make this work despite the distance. Upon my return, we grew closer to each other. I never felt this strongly about anyone else before.

 

Before my trip, I had been going through some personal difficulties (aftermath of multiple assaults, and lack of support from the law enforcement and administration) for about a year, and the purpose of my trip was to recharge myself. I told him about these issues, and at first, he was very supportive and understanding. But, the problems only got worse as I came back to the reality of my personal difficulties. I think I made a mistake of expecting him to fully understand what I was going through, without having the capacity to communicate with him in the most concise manner. Two months into our relationship, he ended things with me. He said it was nothing about me, but it was because he couldn't see us closing the distance. Our professions are geographically confined. He did look for jobs in my city (which I later found out after he broke up with me), but he decided that it would not work for him. As for me, I am still continuing my degree for the next three years or so, which doesn't allow transfer. Even after that, licensing complicates where I can continue my career path. He wanted to stay friends and stay in touch, but I was too hurt to do so, and I felt betrayed that he walked out on me when I needed his support the most in the middle of all the issues I was still trying to handle.

 

After the breakup, he reached out to me. I didn't take it well, and I said some hurtful things to him. A couple of weeks later, I reached out to him, but by then, he was upset at me. We got into a huge argument, and he said some mean things about the situation I have been in. I was emotionally so distraught that I ended up at the hospital. A week later, I reached out to him, asking him to remove our photo on Facebook. He complied, but was very hostile. I removed him from Facebook and instagram. I sent him a text, telling him that I miss the person I used to get along so well with, and he should let me know if that person ever comes back.

 

It's been almost two months since my text, and I have no idea how he has been doing. I know that it is for the best that I should maintain no contact with him, in order for me to move on and heal. But, somehow, I am having a lot of difficulty moving on from this relationship where I felt such a strong connection with someone. I've been on dates since, but I keep finding myself comparing these people to my ex. I also have difficulty opening up to them. Recently, I decided that I am not ready to date again at this point and that I should stay single for a while.

 

I miss him so much. I wish he would at least be in touch with me. I pretty much know what the right answer and the right approach for my situation are, but I can't seem to get the moment he and I met in person for the first time at the airport out of my mind. I fear that he may have been the one that got away, and I messed up because I wasn't strong enough to handle my personal matters on my own, and drove him away with my problems. But, part of me wishes he were there for me no matter what. Then again, the relationship was still new, and maybe I was not supposed to open up to him so quickly about everything in my life.

 

I don't know what to do. Maybe I just wanted to pour my heart out to total strangers on this forum. I really miss him.

Edited December 31, 2015 by what_if

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, it sounds like you have a lot of emotional turmoil that needs to be addressed. You said you were so distraught the night you argued with him that you ended up in the hospital - what happened?

 

The fact your distress reached that level indicates you have a lot of self-care to do. These personal difficulties that resulted from the multiple assaults are also clearly impacting you deeply. I think this is all relevant because it means you're in a heightened emotional state and any upset is likely to trigger a bigger response than it normally would.

 

Imagine bumping into someone by accident - no big deal, right? Now imagine bumping into the someone who has a terrible, blistering sunburn - they are going to react more much strongly than in the first case. You're the sunburnt person in this situation.

 

This may be why you're experiencing such difficulty in letting this hurt go. Do you have some support nearby you can count on in difficult times?

[what_if]

OP, it sounds like you have a lot of emotional turmoil that needs to be addressed. You said you were so distraught the night you argued with him that you ended up in the hospital - what happened?

 

The fact your distress reached that level indicates you have a lot of self-care to do. These personal difficulties that resulted from the multiple assaults are also clearly impacting you deeply. I think this is all relevant because it means you're in a heightened emotional state and any upset is likely to trigger a bigger response than it normally would.

 

Imagine bumping into someone by accident - no big deal, right? Now imagine bumping into the someone who has a terrible, blistering sunburn - they are going to react more much strongly than in the first case. You're the sunburnt person in this situation.

 

This may be why you're experiencing such difficulty in letting this hurt go. Do you have some support nearby you can count on in difficult times?

 

Thank you for your concern and response.

 

I was asking him for some insights (law enforcement matter) as he has some knowledge and I value his opinions and insights highly. Instead of being supportive, he lashed out on me, telling me I brought these assaults onto myself. There were other things I had shared with him, but he used them as well, belittling what I have been through. It was during the week when I was handling some administrative matters, where they tried to silence me about going to the media about these assault cases. After arguing with him, my health rapidly deteriorated (one of the assaults led to a concussion, and I have had multiple concussions for the past few years, and my symptoms get worse whenever I get triggered). I had to go to the ER as I felt that my head was about to explode. They admitted me, and kept me overnight while I was on painkillers.

 

I agree that I may have been taking this breakup much harder than someone with no PTSD would have. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for the past couple of years (some other abuses in my past), and have been learning how to take care of myself better. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, but I am highly functioning most of the time, doing things that help me refocus on what is good in my life.

 

It's been difficult because I tend to put my guards up around most people, and my ex was one of the very few who knew how to see me through all the walls I put up around me. I think this is why it's been hurting me a lot. My sense of trust and connecting with others has been shattered already, and was shattered again.

[Cappycorny]

Hint hint... Random by chance encounters are very over rated. Happen to me this summer and I gave it far to much Merit. Focus on what you miss about him and work from there.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you for your concern and response.

 

I was asking him for some insights (law enforcement matter) as he has some knowledge and I value his opinions and insights highly. Instead of being supportive, he lashed out on me, telling me I brought these assaults onto myself. There were other things I had shared with him, but he used them as well, belittling what I have been through. It was during the week when I was handling some administrative matters, where they tried to silence me about going to the media about these assault cases. After arguing with him, my health rapidly deteriorated (one of the assaults led to a concussion, and I have had multiple concussions for the past few years, and my symptoms get worse whenever I get triggered). I had to go to the ER as I felt that my head was about to explode. They admitted me, and kept me overnight while I was on painkillers.

 

 

I agree that I may have been taking this breakup much harder than someone with no PTSD would have. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for the past couple of years (some other abuses in my past), and have been learning how to take care of myself better. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, but I am highly functioning most of the time, doing things that help me refocus on what is good in my life.

 

It's been difficult because I tend to put my guards up around most people, and my ex was one of the very few who knew how to see me through all the walls I put up around me. I think this is why it's been hurting me a lot. My sense of trust and connecting with others has been shattered already, and was shattered again.

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your experiences. A dear friend of mine suffers from PTSD too, and it is indeed a struggle. I'm happy to hear that you are receiving care for this. That is so important. Have you shared your break-up with your psychiatrist? I imagine he/she could suggest some helpful coping mechanisms and help you better understand your emotional response.

 

But I have to state that you are probably much better off without this man. Him telling you that your brought these assaults on yourself is appalling. No partner should ever belittle you like that. That to me is a warning sign that you need to keep in mind when you miss him. He doesn't exactly sound like Prince Charming.

[Space Ritual]

I personally think you are being way too hard on yourself.

 

I do agree that in some form or fashion you may be right to an extent about your expectations and his inability to quite understand you. Not that it is right or wrong, but not everyone is always going to be as compassionate as they initially appear. I'm sure dealing with what happened to you is hard enough to deal with as it is. I'm really sorry that happened but again unless someone has been in that position, it will always be hard for them to relate to it. They can lend you lipservice, but they just will not fully understand.

 

His actions since your breakup are kind of an indicator that he was not as understanding as you wold have hoped. Him saying those things about your situation in the heat of the moment actually were not in the heat of the moment. He simply could not relate and may have felt that it was something you were supposed to miraculously get over. I'm saying that because once again, we who have never been in such position really have no point of reference to it. sadly I think anyone you date in the future will probably have some of that in them.

 

You say he may be the one that got away? I am gong to beg to differ with you. If what transpired in his berating of you landed you in the hospital, then he was in the end not the one that got away. He in the end resented you for not recovering on what he would consider his timetable. and eventually this would have come out had yo been in closer proximity. So he will never understand, and that's somebody you should waste no more time on.

 

Right now your focus should be on taking care of yourself first and foremost.

 

I'm sorry I really don't have more uplifting words for you, but this guy is no prize and you can do so much better.

[what_if]

Hint hint... Random by chance encounters are very over rated. Happen to me this summer and I gave it far to much Merit. Focus on what you miss about him and work from there.

 

I guess so. I was giving it more meaning because I thought if it's so unlikely to ever happen in real life, there must be something about it.

[Cappycorny]

I guess so. I was giving it more meaning because I thought if it's so unlikely to ever happen in real life, there must be something about it.

 

Yup! You got it. I had the same experience and it's landed in the world of reality. It's not like the movies. There's no real fairy tale. I think I've always been in love with the idea of love. All I know is reality proves otherwise 99% of the time.

[what_if]

I'm very sorry to hear about your experiences. A dear friend of mine suffers from PTSD too, and it is indeed a struggle. I'm happy to hear that you are receiving care for this. That is so important. Have you shared your break-up with your psychiatrist? I imagine he/she could suggest some helpful coping mechanisms and help you better understand your emotional response.

 

But I have to state that you are probably much better off without this man. Him telling you that your brought these assaults on yourself is appalling. No partner should ever belittle you like that. That to me is a warning sign that you need to keep in mind when you miss him. He doesn't exactly sound like Prince Charming.

 

I am sorry to hear about your friend. I hope your friend is getting better. It's not exactly a fun journey to be on, and most times, I find that not many people fully appreciate the difficulty.

 

I have talked to my psychiatrist about the breakup, but there have been so many other things related to the assaults that happened afterward, so the sessions were mostly focused on those.

 

Thank you for your advice. I really wanted to give him the benefit of doubt that he said those hurtful things because he himself was upset about the breakup (and that's what I said in my last text to him as well), but it's been two months. I think he owes me an apology at least.

[what_if]

I personally think you are being way too hard on yourself.

 

I do agree that in some form or fashion you may be right to an extent about your expectations and his inability to quite understand you. Not that it is right or wrong, but not everyone is always going to be as compassionate as they initially appear. I'm sure dealing with what happened to you is hard enough to deal with as it is. I'm really sorry that happened but again unless someone has been in that position, it will always be hard for them to relate to it. They can lend you lipservice, but they just will not fully understand.

 

His actions since your breakup are kind of an indicator that he was not as understanding as you wold have hoped. Him saying those things about your situation in the heat of the moment actually were not in the heat of the moment. He simply could not relate and may have felt that it was something you were supposed to miraculously get over. I'm saying that because once again, we who have never been in such position really have no point of reference to it. sadly I think anyone you date in the future will probably have some of that in them.

 

You say he may be the one that got away? I am gong to beg to differ with you. If what transpired in his berating of you landed you in the hospital, then he was in the end not the one that got away. He in the end resented you for not recovering on what he would consider his timetable. and eventually this would have come out had yo been in closer proximity. So he will never understand, and that's somebody you should waste no more time on.

 

Right now your focus should be on taking care of yourself first and foremost.

 

I'm sorry I really don't have more uplifting words for you, but this guy is no prize and you can do so much better.

 

Thank you for your concern and response. I've really been struggling to understand how much of expectation is acceptable when it comes to understanding and emotional support from a partner. I really wanted to believe that he said those things because he was upset about the breakup as well. I think in a rather sick and twisted manner, I hoped that it was a sign that he still cared about the relationship. Sometimes, I wonder if things would have been different had I not been someone who has gone through multiple traumas or was actually broken inside.

 

You are right. He would've never understood, and was probably resenting the fact that I was not the ideal girlfriend he had in his mind.

 

Thank you for keeping things in perspective for me.