Starsandshadows Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 (edited) Just looking for opinions really. My fiancé has a female friend that he's known for about 3 years, a year or so before I met him. I don't know if I'm just being insecure because she's a female, there's every possibility, I just find her a bit too much. She messages him pretty much every day. Most of the time it's her saying we will have to meet up soon. Then the next day the same thing. He says he sort of fobs her off because she messages so frequent saying "yeah we will". Then he will get another one which I thought was quite passive aggressive saying hope to see you before the wedding, which is 6 months away I may add. When they do meet up, within hours of him being home she will message again saying we will have to meet up soon and then it just carries on in the same way. She seems to just message like she needs attention. "Happy Saturday" and things like that. I find her relationship with her own husband quite odd too like he works away in the week then comes back on the weekend and she goes out usually both nights on the town and more often than not tries to get my bf to go out with her. Ughh I don't know I just find she has too much time invested in my bf and it bothers me. Am I being stupid? Edited December 30, 2015 by Starsandshadows 1
kitty12345 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Just looking for opinions really. My fiancé has a female friend that he's known for about 3 years, a year or so before I met him. I don't know if I'm just being insecure because she's a female, there's every possibility, I just find her a bit too much. She messages him pretty much every day. Most of the time it's her saying we will have to meet up soon. Then the next day the same thing. He says he sort of fobs her off because she messages so frequent saying "yeah we will". Then he will get another one which I thought was quite passive aggressive saying hope to see you before the wedding, which is 6 months away I may add. When they do meet up, within hours of him being home she will message again saying we will have to meet up soon and then it just carries on in the same way. She seems to just message like she needs attention. "Happy Saturday" and things like that. I find her relationship with her own husband quite odd too like he works away in the week then comes back on the weekend and she goes out usually both nights on the town and more often than not tries to get my bf to go out with her. Ughh I don't know I just find she has too much time invested in my bf and it bothers me. Am I being stupid? Your boyfriend is.
Redfisher Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Way to fishy... Me thinks someone is cheating. 1
LydiaLong Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 You're getting married in six months and your boyfriend is going on 'dates' with a female friend? I think it's disrespectful. I'd put my foot down. Her or me.
Author Starsandshadows Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 I think I may be making it sound worse than it is like he's cheating. I really don't think he is, I just don't like how much attention she craves from my guy. I feel she should be busy getting on with her own life and checking in every now and then not daily or ever few days. We had a big row yesterday because I asked him if he had heard from her and this was when he told me she had text about meeting up twice and I said its bothering me because I think it's too frequent. He said he understands and he ignores her most of the time which is true I've seen the messages but it's still bothering me. He says he will stop being friends with her but then I feel like I'm telling him who to be friends with and I don't want to be like that. I just want her to respect that he's my bf and she's a bit over kill.
kismetkismet Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I'm a girl and one of my 2 closest friends is a guy. I talk to him every day at least once over facebook messenger or something along those lines. And we hang out alone every now and then, not really so much now that I'm with my boyfriend, we tend more towards group stuff now. Anyway, I'm just saying that a plutonic relationship IS possible. Maybe she just likes to chat a lot, which is partly the case with my male friend and i. When i'm at my computer I chat out of boredom a lot, maybe she is used to texting all the time when she's bored? If anything she just sounds like kind of a pest.. especially since she's messaging not only to have a conversation just to make vague plans.. How does your husband react to it, and how does he feel about her, speak about her etc.? Those are the more important things in this situation. Do you ever hang out in a group? are the two of you friends? 2
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Good question from above poster. Have you been introduced to her? I have male friends and they are in relationships. Them and I speak probably on daily basis. We speak of mundane stuffs like sharing the latest on our kids, the market, birthdays coming up etc. Once in a while we'll grab lunch on business hours. I am no threat to their relationships and their girlfriends all know about me and I have been introduced. 1
Versacehottie Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I think I may be making it sound worse than it is like he's cheating. I really don't think he is, I just don't like how much attention she craves from my guy. I feel she should be busy getting on with her own life and checking in every now and then not daily or ever few days. We had a big row yesterday because I asked him if he had heard from her and this was when he told me she had text about meeting up twice and I said its bothering me because I think it's too frequent. He said he understands and he ignores her most of the time which is true I've seen the messages but it's still bothering me. He says he will stop being friends with her but then I feel like I'm telling him who to be friends with and I don't want to be like that. I just want her to respect that he's my bf and she's a bit over kill. Yeah, I don't think he is cheating. I think she is just needy, needing attention and hanging on. That said he's handling it pretty well. I'd be careful about becoming someone you don't want to be: nagging or telling him who to be friends with etc. It's cool that he offered up not being friends with her anymore. I wouldn't take him up on it though--like you said you wouldn't feel good about yourself and I think in time he will resent that you "made" him do that. There is no easy solution. Maybe go back to him saying you thought about his offer to stop their friendship and just be really honest and say you are uncomfortable but don't want to tell him what to do. Tell him you appreciate him ignoring her messages for the most part. You have to give him credit for doing the right things so you guys can build on that and as a unified force take care of it together. This will be good for your relationship. Ask him if maybe you can reach a compromise about her that if somehow he can let her know that his life is changing now that he's engaged so they will see each other/communicate much less often out of respect for you. Well come up with a slightly better wording but hopefully you get the idea. I know it won't be easy for him to "confront" her--that's tough for a lot of guys. But help him come up with a way that's the least confrontational and negative. I'm sure if he goes to the extra step of doing that and she continues to bother it will really bug him too! And then you two will even be more unified about how ridiculous she is. She just sounds like a pest who doesn't know her boundaries (and has not been told either) with too much time on her hands. She could be holding a torch for your guy--open to an affair on her husband or trying to have your guy waiting in wings in your thing or her thing breaks up but your guy sounds really honest. He is including you. Try not to fight with him about it. It's in most guys nature to rebel against and resist stuff like that but I think they are generally pretty easy--you just have to be smart enough to figure out how best to approach your particular guy. If you are in a committed relationship and your guy is pretty normal, his top priority is usually to make you happy. Don't treat him like the enemy; figure it out together. Good luck
GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I am Best friends with a male coworker who, last week, introduced me to HIS WIFE as his companion "for fun and mischief". She smiled and took it lightly but honestly she must think I am basically a slut. And honestly I Dont feel attracted to him, not even slightly... And we are just friends. That's all.
hhatesboys Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 hmmm. I can see why that would bother you. But this is getting serious, you're going to marry him so you guys will be building a life together. I understand not wanting to be a nag. I totally get that... but decisions in a marriage need to be joint decisions. I don't feel like it is a partnership if one person is doing something that makes the other uncomfortable or doing things that makes the other feel bad. Relationships (ESPECIALLY a marriage) are supposed to make you feel good. Do you feel good? I don't think he is cheating, but she is creating that feeling for you anyway. That is not fair. I feel like it would be okay if it weren't for the fact that you ARE NOT INCLUDED in these "nights out" and stuff. Why??? It sounds like you have met her, but you kind of need to get accepted into this friendship, you're a pair now. If you don't feel ok telling him to ditch her, at least insist that you are included on their "outings" from now on. She is his friend, so she should be friends with you both. It is not appropriate for a married man to be "dating" another woman... even if it is platonic. It is disrespectful to you as his wife. If they were working together or had another reason to be associating by themselves that would be different.
Zippy2000 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I'm a girl and one of my 2 closest friends is a guy. I talk to him every day at least once over facebook messenger or something along those lines. And we hang out alone every now and then, not really so much now that I'm with my boyfriend, we tend more towards group stuff now. Anyway, I'm just saying that a plutonic relationship IS possible. Maybe she just likes to chat a lot, which is partly the case with my male friend and i. When i'm at my computer I chat out of boredom a lot, maybe she is used to texting all the time when she's bored? If anything she just sounds like kind of a pest.. especially since she's messaging not only to have a conversation just to make vague plans.. How does your husband react to it, and how does he feel about her, speak about her etc.? Those are the more important things in this situation. Do you ever hang out in a group? are the two of you friends? I totally agree with this. I have 3 female friedns who chat by FB meesenger or by text. it drives me up the wall! NONE of my male friends talk to me every day its just my female friends. Two of my female friends are in relationships. One of these gierls put "x" at the end of each text but I have known her for 6 years. Its totally harmless as long as there is no flirting going on. May take on it all is that you say her husband is away week days. Shes probably missing human interation and any bet her husband like most men are not good texters. Remember your fiance has know her for 3 years BEFORE you and if something was to happen it would of happened by now. Just leave her to it and like I mentioned about. I have 3 female friends who text me. I can imagine how my girlfriend would worry but please dont. people can just chit chat for no other reason but just for social contact. 1
Author Starsandshadows Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Firstly thank you for your replies I really appreciate fresh eyes on my situation so to speak so thank you for taking the time. Yeah I think a few of you have hit the nail on the head - she's a pest. I feel she doesn't know boundaries although she isn't flirting she just seems very trigger happy with her phone perhaps as some have said out of boredom. I wouldn't mind if they met up, they have in the past but it's like she's never satisfied with it. I have met her possibly two times and I liked her both times but I think this was before I knew she pestered so much. My fiancé says it's annoying she texts so often but that it doesn't really bother him because she has always done it, he says he replies and then gets on with his life. I don't know guys, I need to think what it actually is that's bothering me about this friendship? Because I don't see her as a threat. Maybe part of me is jealous of her pulling at my guy for attention, I don't know
kitty12345 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 He needs to stop replying to each and every message of hers. He needs to put her in the back burner or she will intrude in your marriage. She will become a cause of mistrust and fights between you two. This is something he needs to do , now.
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I don't know guys, I need to think what it actually is that's bothering me about this friendship? Because I don't see her as a threat. Maybe part of me is jealous of her pulling at my guy for attention, I don't know I would not really call it a friendship between them. If your boyfriend keeps his distances and does not give her any reasons to hang on to him she will eventually move on. If she's a pain in the neck for him than he needs to always be too busy for her. She will let go at some point. I have a much closer relationships with people I call 'my friends'. We text almost daily, we speak on the phone about once a week and we grab the occasional lunch together. We also have common interests or a common professional circle. This woman and your boyfriend don't seem to have anything in common that would hold their friendship together. I think you worry for nothing and your worry is due to your desire to control the situation. Forget about her and trust your boyfriend.
kitty12345 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I think you worry for nothing and your worry is due to your desire to control the situation. Forget about her and trust your boyfriend. Nope. This needs to be nipped in the bud before it seeps in. Many women who have close male friends, usually , in the disguise, ruin others relationships. Its not something OP should ' just trust her boyfriend ' and later see the friend geeting 99% of the attention and she, leftovers. A woman is a womans worst enemy ! I read it somewhere
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