Will I ever find a guy who accepts my shyness?

[xxoo]

The bottom line is that everyone wants to feel attraction and feel attractive. He, like everyone, wants to feel really good around the person he's dating.

 

There are many ways to communicate that you are attracted to him, and make him feel great. It could be listening intently, flirting, compliments, touch. Just lighting up into a smile when you talk to him is powerful, as well as responding to communication (texts, etc). People show interest with their proximity (being close), time, and treasure.

 

If you're quiet and have a flat affect on a date, it's the opposite of the above. Probably the most important thing you can do is relax and enjoy with no expectations. Don't drink to mask anxieties. Go ahead and admit the anxieties. Bring an idea to break the ice--even if it's a few Trivial Pursuit cards in your back pocket. Have a plan to power through the nerves and get to the relaxed laughter. And enjoy.

[lolablue17]

As a shy man, I like shy girls. (Althogh I'm married to a woman who is the opposite of shy!)

 

BTW, I don't think you're so extremely shy. You say things that you did like sending him a text after your conversation, that make you brave and especially a girls that doesn't play games, say what she thinks, which is charming in my eyes.

 

I think you're a victim (like other millions of people) of our period, i which all the dating scene is so easy and available, so instead of focusing in one girl (or a guy), people think constantly "maybe there's something better around the corner". So they don't allow themselves to be fully invested. The funny thing is that they say that they don't 100% "feel the spark", but they will never feel any spark unless the will stop peeking above your shoulder to see if there's someone better.

[Easyguy14]

I've seen this guy I met on OKCupid three times over the past month and a half. He excited me at first - he seemed like a serious guy who was looking for a meaningful connection. After our first date he was very interested and immediately scheduled our next. On our second date he told me he was open to something meaningful with me, but his behavior suggested otherwise. From there on, even though he kept scheduling new dates I got the sense that he wasn't really feeling me. He was all over me physically when we were together but he didn't ask me many questions about myself and didn't try to connect. It felt like his interest in me was only physical. After our third date (last week), I felt frustrated enough by his lukewarm behavior that I finally had a phone conversation with him today about what he was looking for. He told me basically that he's been on the fence, feels very physically attracted to me, really enjoys our conversations and finds me interesting, but doesn't feel that we have a "deep connection."

 

I've heard this from guys before (this is the main form of rejection I get) and since I knew it wasn't going to work with him decided it couldn't hurt to press him for a bit more clarity. He said that on our first date he misattributed my reserve to a lack of interest in him but then realized when I opened up on our second and third dates and demonstrated interest in him, that I was just shy at the start which he finds a turn off in women. For the record he is very shy, dry and serious himself, actually strikingly so. This doesn't bother me in guys as I find it relatable but I've noticed shy guys never seem to want to be with shy women.

 

He told me he wanted to keep seeing me to see if his feelings developed but only felt that there was 30% chance that he'd want a relationship, and he didn't want to get my hopes up. Of course I told him I wasn't interested. And he said, "can we be friends then because I find you interesting and would like to get to know you better?" He kept pushing it. That just hurt more. If you find me so interesting to talk to and are so physically attracted, why would you write me off for anything more?

 

I've had many of my dating experiences follow this exact script. Shy-ish guy and I go on a first date. Guy seems extremely interested on and immediately following said date. Sometimes even volunteers that he is looking for a relationship. On second date, he is a bit more reserved and detached. By third date he's totally disengaged emotionally but can't get his hands off me. Then I confront him about his intentions, he says he's not feeling a connection with me but implies that he wants to keep seeing me in a casual fwb way. When I say I'm not into that he begs me to stay platonic friends with him. So weird.

 

It's upsetting to hear because my shyness around strangers isn't something I have a lot of control over. I do make an effort to engage, but I guess it's not enough. The few guys who have been patient enough to get to know me better have usually fallen for me, but they're a rarity and they were people who already knew me well through work or friends. Unfortunately, I'm in a place now where online dating is my only real option. I don't have a lot of friends or connections in this city.

 

This conversation has gotten me so down that I almost feel like taking a break from dating. What should I do to address this problem? Is it the type of guys I'm seeing? I notice this problem crops up more with submissive/shy guys but don't feel like I have a big enough dating sample to draw any firm conclusions.

 

More than anything, I just wish I could find a guy who accepts me for who I am.

 

From what I'm getting from your post is that you come off too serious and its too early for that. I'm guilty of being that way myself which has hurt my own dating chances and am working on it as should you. Try living in the moment and see where it takes you and lay off the pressure talk for now.

[Easyguy14]

I just wonder, how does social anxiety keep a woman single since women don't have to approach and be the initiators?

 

That's where you're wrong buddy. Women have to start taking chances now in order to get somewhere. No, they don't have to ask a guy out, but yes, they do have to put in some effort if they want men to be interested in them. Gone are the days of men doing all the work and thankfully so. I myself have had a lady or two express interest in me before I even spotted her but they weren't really my type but cant them fault for trying.

[katiegrl]

That's where you're wrong buddy. Women have to start taking chances now in order to get somewhere. No, they don't have to ask a guy out, but yes, they do have to put in some effort if they want men to be interested in them. Gone are the days of men doing all the work and thankfully so. I myself have had a lady or two express interest in me before I even spotted her but they weren't really my type but cant them fault for trying.

 

You know ...I don't know if it was ever the case when men did *all* the work.

 

If you watch enough old movies like I do, and read enough books from "back in the day" .... women were doing more than enough to express their interest...some women were even bold enough to downright chase a guy she was interested in!

 

Baking cookies, bringing them to his house ....inviting him over for dinner with her family ... were more of the subtle ways ....but my own mom approached (at a dance) and pursued my dad, she was even the one to suggest they get married!

 

These things just weren't discussed and dissected to the nth degree like they are now.

 

Life was way more simple back then!

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

That's where you're wrong buddy. Women have to start taking chances now in order to get somewhere. No, they don't have to ask a guy out, but yes, they do have to put in some effort if they want men to be interested in them. Gone are the days of men doing all the work and thankfully so. I myself have had a lady or two express interest in me before I even spotted her but they weren't really my type but cant them fault for trying.

 

Ya the least women can do more often is say Hi and initiate conversations, initiate an introduction first, because asking out and aproaching are two separate things

[Ami1uwant]

I've only seen a few listings on here....

 

For me I understand shyness/introverted on a first date but if you are more open on dates 2 and 3 then it's good. If you are still shy and reserved I would give up.

 

As for sex...I would expect sex by date 3-5 otherwise I'm not going to go further.

 

Don't listen to your dad about alpha/beta male crap.

[sweet honeydew]

How can you be shy and then sleep with someone so soon? When you have sex with a someone

 

I don't think shyness is the factor that drove him off. You can't possibly be shy and then go naked in the same sentence.

 

That's what I think too.

[tuxedo cat]

For me I understand shyness/introverted on a first date but if you are more open on dates 2 and 3 then it's good. If you are still shy and reserved I would give up.

 

Right, and he said I opened up after the first date but was turned off that I was "initially shy." WTF? That's a first.

[katiegrl]

Right, and he said I opened up after the first date but was turned off that I was "initially shy." WTF? That's a first.

 

TC.... he just wasn't feeling it...and used your initial shyness as an excuse to reject ...so as to alleviate him being the "bad guy" for rejecting you.

 

When a man is attracted to you and "feeling it". ..he won't reject you for being initially shy.

 

Trust me on that one!

 

When I meet a guy I really like, where the sparks are flying ...hell I am so shy I can't even speak! Never once did a guy reject me for that!

 

We started to date, became more relaxed and comfortable with each other..... allowing for a very beautiful connection to develop.

 

Just continue being genuine and real....and when the chemistry is there ....everything will flow just right.

[tuxedo cat]

TC.... he just wasn't feeling it...and used your initial shyness as an excuse to reject ...so as to alleviate him being the "bad guy" for rejecting you.

 

When a man is attracted to you and "feeling it". ..he won't reject you for being initially shy.

 

Trust me on that one!

 

When I meet a guy I really like, where the sparks are flying ...hell I am so shy I can't even speak! Never once did a guy reject me for that!

 

We started to date, became more relaxed and comfortable with each other..... allowing for a very beautiful connection to develop.

 

Just continue being genuine and real....and when the chemistry is there ....everything will flow just right.

 

It's weird, though, because he was clearly very physically attracted. He couldn't keep his hands off of me, even in public and kept going on about how beautiful he found me. And then he also said he found me very interesting to talk to...something just doesn't add up, but whatever.

[thecrucible]

Hi there OP, I hope you are coping okay. I totally understand how you feel. It can be weird to hear from a man that he finds you attractive and you have other qualities he likes but he doesn't feel "a deep connection". I'm sure so many women can relate to this. And btw the "deep connection" doesn't even have to be a particularly meaningful expression. I've had guys tell me they don't feel a deep connection because I don't like a certain hobby they like. For instance a guy told me once that he wasn't interested enough because I don't go cycling regularly. Another guy I sussed out wanted a woman who would give out tonnes of compliment and massage his ego more than I am inclined to do (so we were not compatible on that level). I think all of us (men and women) have a certain ideal in our mind, partly on a subconscious level, of how we expect our future spouse to be and what his or her personality might be like. Since this is pretty set in a person's mind, I don't think there is anything else you could have done to get this guy to feel the "deep connection" he was hoping for.

 

It could also be that he is looking for a certain type of relationship dynamic. Someone has to take the lead and maybe he wants a very outgoing woman to lead the relationship. Maybe this is not preferential for you and you'd want a different kind of relationship? You also said he seems shy himself but is put off by a shy woman. This reminds me of a conversation I had recently about how people are turned off by others who embody traits they consider to be of lower value in themselves. They then admire and want to date someone who has something they don't have but really want. In that case, it's more to do with them than it is to do with you! I actually used to be like that myself - totally hated the idea of dating a quiet guy like me, I wanted more polarity. I'm less black and white than this now. My polar opposite is not suitable for me. A guy in-between these two extremes would be ideal.

 

Anyway, in simple terms, he is not feeling "the spark" or romance he is looking for. Despite him saying he finds you really attractive, he may still not feel the spark so I wouldn't read into anything he is saying about thinking you are beautiful although you can definitely smile about the compliment.

[Brapting]

It's weird, though, because he was clearly very physically attracted. He couldn't keep his hands off of me, even in public and kept going on about how beautiful he found me. And then he also said he found me very interesting to talk to...something just doesn't add up, but whatever.

 

Remember that with guys, physical attraction and wanting a relationship are two completely different things.

 

It is not difficult for a guy to be physically attracted to a woman...or at least to be physically attracted enough to want to have/try to have sex.

 

I guess that this is not necessarily a bad thing as it means that you will have something in your favor...and you can be fairly sure that you can physically attract guys, irregardless of how you currently feel about your own personality.

 

The problem comes when you mix up physical attraction and relationship attraction in your head. I would even say that some guys may actively encourage this confusion, because it will make it more likely that you will have sex.

 

I mean think about it: would you have slept with him if he had told you that "I want to hook up, then not call you for ages, then hook up again and move on". Of course not. Perhaps you would not have even considered having sex with him UNLESS he had expressed some sort of emotional attraction and interest in a relationship.

 

As for him calling you shy. I think that you can take it at face value. If I were a woman and a guy behaved like he has to me...I don't think I would want to take any of his opinions or judgments on my personality seriously.

 

This aside, he is not a scientist. He is not a psychologist with an incredible insight into the human psyche. Any judgement on what your personality may or may not be is just an opinion and like the saying goes..."opinions are like backsides, everyone has one". He doesn't know you anything like you know yourself, so the only opinion that really matters is yours. So the question is, what do you think?

 

Remember, you have the choice on what and who validates you. You can chose to rely on this guy's interpretation, or you friend's interpretation, or your mum's interpretation...or whoever's! I am secretly hoping that you will ignore all them all and rely on your own as I think that is more accurate and productive.

 

One final thing, people are like rivers, they are not statues. The word 'shy' is a label and labels are arbitrary and meaningless. No-one is shy all the time in every situation. People can be shy sometimes with some people and outgoing at other times with others. Not only that, but people's personalities can shift and change, they are not static. So for him (or you) to define yourself as completely 'shy' based on this one event is not only unhelpful, but inaccurate.

Edited January 2, 2016 by Brapting

[wb1988]

I'm an introverted guy myself, but definitely not shy. I've been on dates with plenty of shy women and not one has ever worked out. I often find them very hard to read and usually end up running out of patience with each one. I'm not sure if it's a confidence issue or not, but confident women really turn me on. I'm also not good at coaxing a shy girl out of her shell. Perhaps you should look for an outgoing guy?

 

I'm also like you, mostly introverted (although I become an extrovert in large groups) and I've realised that shy girls are just boring. Like they're not actually 'shy' but just completely dull, timid and never worth it. It's like putting in lots of effort to get that 1 homebody friend to come on a night out and when they finally come out they are just like wallpaper.

 

Why do you run out of patience?

 

Because we know that you're not the only girl out there, and after a while it's like wait does this girl think she's the only girl here, that she's like the **** or something, or that this shyness will go on forever. Then when you last it out you just realise that shy girls are actually just boring.

[FadedSign52]

I'm also like you, mostly introverted (although I become an extrovert in large groups) and I've realised that shy girls are just boring. Like they're not actually 'shy' but just completely dull, timid and never worth it. It's like putting in lots of effort to get that 1 homebody friend to come on a night out and when they finally come out they are just like wallpaper.

 

Because we know that you're not the only girl out there, and after a while it's like wait does this girl think she's the only girl here, that she's like the **** or something, or that this shyness will go on forever. Then when you last it out you just realise that shy girls are actually just boring.

 

If all you care about is how people act in large groups then by all means you should not date introverted girls. But there's a lot more to an actual relationship where their strengths shine through in my opinion.

[Brapting]

I'm also like you, mostly introverted (although I become an extrovert in large groups) and I've realised that shy girls are just boring. Like they're not actually 'shy' but just completely dull, timid and never worth it. It's like putting in lots of effort to get that 1 homebody friend to come on a night out and when they finally come out they are just like wallpaper.

 

Yeah. I find that the best way to encourage 'shy' people and help them to feel accepted and involved is to label them as 'boring' 'wallpaper'

 

Seriously dude. As someone who calls himself an 'introvert', I would have thought that you would have a more compassionate and understanding attitude towards people that struggle with these sorts of things.

Edited January 2, 2016 by Brapting

[tuxedo cat]

Yeah. I find that the best way to encourage 'shy' people and help them to feel accepted and involved is to label them as 'boring' 'wallpaper'

 

Seriously dude. As someone who calls himself an 'introvert', I would have thought that you would have a more compassionate and understanding attitude towards people that struggle with these sorts of things.

 

I've mentioned before that usually the guys who hardest on shy women are introverts or "recovering" introverts. I think it's a matter of being disturbed by qualities in others that remind them of things they dislike about themselves. A good analogy is how recovering addicts often disparage people who are currently struggling with their addiction.

Edited January 3, 2016 by tuxedo cat

[thecrucible]

I'm also like you, mostly introverted (although I become an extrovert in large groups) and I've realised that shy girls are just boring. Like they're not actually 'shy' but just completely dull, timid and never worth it. It's like putting in lots of effort to get that 1 homebody friend to come on a night out and when they finally come out they are just like wallpaper.

 

Because we know that you're not the only girl out there, and after a while it's like wait does this girl think she's the only girl here, that she's like the **** or something, or that this shyness will go on forever. Then when you last it out you just realise that shy girls are actually just boring.

 

I understand what you are saying and respect your opinion. You know what you like and that's cool. But I think shyness means different things to different people and you get people who are shy but no one would know it when they are in a certain social situation.

[lino]

Many shy men exist. Approach them and get to know them.

 

Shyness is way more of a negative attribute for men. Noisy, centre of attention type women aren't saught after by any quality guys either.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Many shy men exist. Approach them and get to know them.

 

Shyness is way more of a negative attribute for men. Noisy, centre of attention type women aren't saught after by any quality guys either.

 

Yup, exactly, which a lot of people are delusional about

[Eternal Sunshine]

Many shy men exist. Approach them and get to know them.

 

Shyness is way more of a negative attribute for men. Noisy, centre of attention type women aren't saught after by any quality guys either.

 

I think most men love loud, extroverted women :/

[kodakgirl]

Hi Tuxedo Cat (cute name! I have a tuxedo cat at home ). I can really relate-- I've always been shy and sometimes it's felt like something I've shot myself in the foot with. I've had the men who found me very attractive and thought I was terrific as a person etc. but lost romantic interest in me quickly, and I think at least a part of it may have been my inherent tendency to be a bit reserved. I don't know about you but I almost feel being the kind of shy person who doesn't come across as a super quiet awkward wallflower but rather is friendly and sweet can worsen it-- I've had women tell me at first they didn't think I was shy, they just thought I didn't like them! My ex, who I was madly in love with long before sharing that fact, thought I came across "cold" when actually I was crazy about him, just too shy to show it "properly" (ie, as an outgoing, bold, flirtatious woman would). He was very shy and reserved too, so it was quite the face-off, haha.

 

The point of this, happily, isn't just to let you know you aren't alone. A few weeks ago, shortly after I turned 28 (so close to your age) and had been single for 5 years, I met just the best fellow (on OKC, incidentally). We clicked very quickly and after just a couple hours I felt so very comfortable around him (which is incredibly rare for me). As usual I expressed my interest by showing a lot of interest in what he was saying, smiling a lot, making it clear I enjoyed his company, etc., but not being overtly flirtatious or suggestive or touchy or anything, because I'm just not like that. He was clearly interested and attracted and we agreed to see each other again, parted with just a quick hug.

 

Date two, first couple hours pretty well the same--which I think is often where my shyness starts having an impact, because men are expecting you to be more overtly interested at that point. This fellow, however, got it, got that he was going to have to take a bit of lead, and did. We had a really lovely dinner in this part of town that's super pretty at night and had a giant Christmas tree. We strolled afterwards, paused looking at the Christmas tree. He told me how he was really liking my company, how adorable he found me, how he'd wanted to kiss me on the first date, then took my hand and kissed me. I well and truly turned into a 14-year-old, giggling, barely able to do more than steal glances at him, but pretty clearly delighted. I'm 28 and all dependent and mature in other ways... to a lot of men I think they'd be like, WTF? Fellow thought it was irresistible, especially when I did happily kiss him again and keep holding his hand. We ended that evening at his place making out and cuddling for hours.... not something shy little me ever, EVER imagined would even be possible, but this fellow just had me feeling so comfortable, my shyness so accepted.... at every point he checked with me, verbally, to make sure I was happy with it all and enjoying myself, which I also found incredibly sweet and even sexy. I've warmed up and opened up more every moment this whole time and at a mere 5 dates now (though long ones, so somewhere over 40 hours together total) I feel I've known him forever, feel completely un-self-conscious and accepted in a way I've rarely felt around anyone, even best friends, ever. About 50 000 other things are great too.

 

This fellow isn't at all shy, even though he's an introvert, and has the great kind of confidence that isn't at all showy. He's also very emotionally intelligent and good with people. Later he did say I came across a bit reserved at first, but he could pick up it was my personality, not my interest, and so worked to slowly and respectfully encourage get me to feel more comfortable while also getting he'd have to do a bit more initiating at first. We're incredibly compatible in every way, but if he'd had less of that people sense and/or confidence, either it would have taken forever to get to this (amazing) point, or he would have given up, assuming I wasn't interested enough, or too serious/uptight/no fun etc (none of which are true, as he now well and truly knows!).

 

I thought for the longest time I was pretty well romantically screwed for my inability to be the outgoing, "fun" girl, or, hell, even flirt overtly. My shyness has come a huge way and I have no problem being friendly and social and being enjoyable company, but personalities are what they are. But no, no I was not screwed. I just needed to meet the right kind of fellow, the kind who picks up on that kind of reserve, gets it, knows how to work with it, and wants to. A month ago I would have thought that was basically the same as saying I'd never meet the right kind of fellow, but the world sure can surprise you.

 

So my moral is--finding the right fit for your shyness is important. And not at all impossible!

[Robratory]

I feel like i just don't know how to play the game. There's an art to early dating that clearly eludes me

 

Actually, no, there's just basic etiquette. In fact, I firmly believe that little has done more harm to people in their dating lives than this whole ridiculous idea that it's a game and that there are rules. How can we be authentic if we're playing roles? How can we achieve real connection when we're playing games?

 

It's possible that you keep attracting the same kind of guys, but it's also possible that you're overthinking this. The one thing you can be sure of is that it has nothing to do with "shyness" (whatever that means). You described yourself as a good conversationalist.

 

The truth is that there are some weird people out there, and that guy was weird. You can't do anything with weird. Waste no more time thinking about him.

[BrianSmith]

Look shyness isn't a disease, you aren't born with it, you somehow develop it over the years. It's a learnt trait.

 

I used to be a very shy guy in the past, women didn't give me the time of the day. Just so you can see, I only started dating after I was 22 years old when I got out of my head.

 

How did I get over it? Well, I started being confident, it's also a learnt trait. Want to be confident walk down the street, approach a stranger and say, hi and leave. Now you'll feel more confident and less shy.

 

Do other guys need to accept your shyness? Probably not! I talk for me, if I meet a girl who is so shy, and is constantly blocking spontaneity and fun from happening because she's too afraid what other people may think about it then I indeed get bored.

 

If your shyness is doing that then you probably need to accept the fact you need to do something to resolve that issue. As I said, shyness isn't a disease, just an idea you have about yourself.

Edited January 7, 2016 by BrianSmith