Versacehottie Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I don't think pursuing her will help. She needs to come herself. He has to watch out he doesn't over-pursue her!!!!!! There a multiple great dating coaches that have said what I'm saying because it works. If he starts reaching out, and she was the one saying she doesn't have feelings for him and rejecting him, then he ends up losing 'the game' and she will completely lose interest. That's why the No Contact rule is great. I know they weren't in a exclusive relationship, but it seems like NC is a good idea here too. The last thing he should do is signal weakness. Huh? I'm not expert on no contact but it really sounds like a bad idea in this case. Seems like OP if he did it would be using it to play hard to get, which is not really what it's for as I understand it. Right now she/he at least need an understanding of where each person stands so they can make decisions about what to do moving forward, if so or not. No contact would be IMO if he wanted to move on with his life WITHOUT her. Yes it's been a little bumpy because of miscommunication--OP should sort that out, see where the chips fall and if they aren't going to date or she does something disrespectful in the process, sure NC sounds fine. I don't think he's at that point yet though. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I don't think pursuing her will help. She needs to come herself. He has to watch out he doesn't over-pursue her!!!!!! There a multiple great dating coaches that have said what I'm saying because it works. If he starts reaching out, and she was the one saying she doesn't have feelings for him and rejecting him, then he ends up losing 'the game' and she will completely lose interest. That's why the No Contact rule is great. I know they weren't in a exclusive relationship, but it seems like NC is a good idea here too. The last thing he should do is signal weakness. I respectfully disagree. If I had feelings for a man and he disappeared, I would assume he's lost interest and I would start moving on. I am speaking from experience. When I like a man, and he admits he has feelings too and wants to take it further, him reaching out to me is the exact opposite of weak. To me, that shows strength of character and sincere interest. 2
Versacehottie Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I respectfully disagree. If I had feelings for a man and he disappeared, I would assume he's lost interest and I would start moving on. I am speaking from experience. When I like a man, and he admits he has feelings too and wants to take it further, him reaching out to me is the exact opposite of weak. To me, that shows strength of character and sincere interest. ^^^^ Exactly. A guy doing an emo move like NC to play hard to get is not strong, confident or secure. It's a fail. 1
GuskeGee Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 When I like a man, and he admits he has feelings too and wants to take it further, him reaching out to me is the exact opposite of weak. To me, that shows strength of character and sincere interest. I'm sorry but didn't SHE tell HIM that she doesn't have feelings for him? Didn't he confess HIS feelings? He told her he had feelings but she was still saying she doesn't feel anything for him, so how exactly should he admit when he already did that? She rejected him in a way, no one knows why, but she did. So why should HE call HER and confess his feelings again? That doesn't make sense. Please elaborate guys.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I'm sorry but didn't SHE tell HIM that she doesn't have feelings for him? Didn't he confess HIS feelings? He told her he had feelings but she was still saying she doesn't feel anything for him, so how exactly should he admit when he already did that? She rejected him in a way, no one knows why, but she did. So why should HE call HER and confess his feelings again? That doesn't make sense. Please elaborate guys. This was already addressed earlier in the thread. Have a look back a couple pages.
GuskeGee Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 This was already addressed earlier in the thread. Have a look back a couple pages. I looked but this situation still looks like he got dumped (whatever the reasons were) so it's a bad move to chase her. Corey Wayne says it best in his coaching vids. One of them specifically advices you to stop chasing: What is your opinion on that?
Author JonClark Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 Hmm.. that guy has a point? Should I follow his advice or do you guys think it's bull *****?
Versacehottie Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 hmm, not even going to bother to look at that guy which I'm pretty sure I've seen a video or two before and not impressed. I would just say if you think more game playing (she is already doing a significant amount) is going to help your cause go right ahead. I don't think it will be successful. You two are already a long distance from each other; you are not going to bump into one another to stoke the fire of her missing you. Basically, because of the distance alone, it would be safe to assume if you aren't talking that you've each moved onto other things. The only decent point is that because of her emotional behavior maybe she is the type to want what she can't have so she might be pushed by behavior like that other poster is suggesting (and she is probably the emotional rollercoaster type enough to reach out if she is feeling that way). I also think it could be good to show her that her games (emotionalness) don't work. HOWEVER and big however, I did not get from any of your posts the vibe that you have clearly put it all of the line with her and this course of action could be a long range one with no guarantees that it won't totally backfire. I think the majority of women like a guy who is bold, confident and goes after what he wants--if they have feelings for him. I think it's clear she does and will be swayed by a grand gesture type thing--or at least a frank conversation where you let her know what's really on your mind. I also have a feeling you are going to burst if you don't get an answer of where you stand with her soon; i think postponing that with game-playing rather than genuine space or directness will just mess things up. I stick by what I, and many of the others recommended. Life is short.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I looked but this situation still looks like he got dumped (whatever the reasons were) so it's a bad move to chase her. Corey Wayne says it best in his coaching vids. One of them specifically advices you to stop chasing: What is your opinion on that? Oh heavens, Corey Wayne? No thanks. Not the best source of advice about women, especially not in this case. OP, I am a woman. I have tried to explain this from her perspective, as best I can given that I don't know her. I can't promise anything. She might go for it, she might not. But like Versacehottie, I stand by the suggestion I made earlier. 1
Author JonClark Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 Guys, I thank you so much for your advice, but the only reason I'm confused is because I don't want to screw this up. I was in her country Christmas 2014 and met her briefly through that mutual friend. We only shook hands, but I was blown away. I didn't do anything because I traveled back a day after, but during the following six months I came to think about her now and then. Fast forward six-seven months later, I met her again and it turned out she was felt the same thing back then as I did. She broke up with her boyfriend and we started seeing each other. She was the one to distance herself and end things the first time around, because "it'll never work if you live that far away," she said. I cut contact and thought that was it. But SHE reached out to me again and it felt like her interest was bigger than before. We kinda tried to stop all contact and she did come back. Would she have come back had I begged and texted her to? I don't know. I sense that all of this is something she isn't even aware of. I sense that she might *think* she doesn't have feelings for me, because it's better to push me away like that. I don't know if its distance or if there's someone else, but I've been suffocating because of it. I also know we'll meet because we have the same circle of friends and her BFF is one of my best girl friends there. And it's pretty darn sad I know we'll meet again, but I don't know what we'll be. I have to think really hard, because the last thing I'd want is to push this girl away. The chemistry was amazing and the connection was pretty amazing. Now I'm left confused and broken. Should I not contact her in hopes of having her contact me? What if it blows in my face? Should I contact her and tell her how I feel? What if that blows up in my face? All of it is a risk but I need to do something, because doing nothing will kill me
GuskeGee Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Oh heavens, Corey Wayne? No thanks. Not the best source of advice about women, especially not in this case. OP, I am a woman. I have tried to explain this from her perspective, as best I can given that I don't know her. I can't promise anything. She might go for it, she might not. But like Versacehottie, I stand by the suggestion I made earlier. And why exactly is Corey Wayne not right? What's wrong with what he says? You women love confident men, not men who beg and are emotional. If the OP ends up choosing your path, he will be sort of begging her to be with him. Now ask yourself as a WOMAN if that's attractive for you.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 And why exactly is Corey Wayne not right? What's wrong with what he says? You women love confident men, not men who beg and are emotional. If the OP ends up choosing your path, he will be sort of begging her to be with him. Now ask yourself as a WOMAN if that's attractive for you. I'm sorry, but I don't agree with you. In this case, given the circumstances described by OP, I would not consider that to be begging whatsoever. So your point is rather moot. OP, I've already given you my suggestions. Can't help much further than that. I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Corey Wayne strikes me as a hack. OP wants to know what a woman in this situation would do/think essentially. There are a few of us here telling him what we think would work and it's remarkably similar. I really think the last thing OP needs is ANOTHER layer of game playing onto this mess. And more "strategy". In OP's last post, it says he wants/needs to do something (like I predicted he's about to burst), so there really is only one course of action that fits that scenario. I kind think he feels like that because the 'truth' has never really been fully out not because I think he's particularly clingy or desperate. I think if you read through the lines of his posts, he knows he will have regrets if he doesn't. People usually feel like that when they KNOW they haven't really given something a full chance/done things on their end fully and as right as they are capable of. There doesn't seem to be a disconnect from reality which is more the hallmark of OP being desperate, clingy and delusional. The motive for doing the active and direct thing is MUCH stronger vs the game-playing and non-active thing which is unnecessarily risky and won't sit well with him anyway.
Author JonClark Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 So a small update on my situation. I've decided to ask friends what they think of this situation, and some of their advice broke my heart Most said something along the lines of "she's acting typically like an ex, just wants your attention, there's probably nothing more to it" - this was the most common one. But then I had two, both girls, who said she's probably started to develop feelings for... her ex They said that the thing she said the last night ("Every time I look at you I see my ex") is evidence towards that. I was planning on doing something, but now they've TOTALLY confused me. Anyone who posted anything in this thread please tell me what you think of what my friends said? Because if she's back with her ex, who she left after she met me, then why should I reach out to her??? :(
shac Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 To me she sounds like a manipulator and a possesive person who is emotionaly unintelligent! I'd back off and let it go. Sorry! And besides all that she lies to herself and to you about her feelings. I wouldn't be with a person who is a liar and doesn't respect herself and is in no balance with her emotions. I feel like this girl would be just a mess for you in future if even you make something out of it.
Author JonClark Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 To me she sounds like a manipulator and a possesive person who is emotionaly unintelligent! I'd back off and let it go. Sorry! And besides all that she lies to herself and to you about her feelings. I wouldn't be with a person who is a liar and doesn't respect herself and is in no balance with her emotions. I feel like this girl would be just a mess for you in future if even you make something out of it. Care to elaborate why you think she's a liar and a manipulator?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 So a small update on my situation. I've decided to ask friends what they think of this situation, and some of their advice broke my heart Most said something along the lines of "she's acting typically like an ex, just wants your attention, there's probably nothing more to it" - this was the most common one. But then I had two, both girls, who said she's probably started to develop feelings for... her ex They said that the thing she said the last night ("Every time I look at you I see my ex") is evidence towards that. I was planning on doing something, but now they've TOTALLY confused me. Anyone who posted anything in this thread please tell me what you think of what my friends said? Because if she's back with her ex, who she left after she met me, then why should I reach out to her??? :( OP, you're obviously too afraid to take this risk. Just forget about her if the possibility of a rejection is this distressing to you. 1
Author JonClark Posted January 6, 2016 Author Posted January 6, 2016 OP, you're obviously too afraid to take this risk. Just forget about her if the possibility of a rejection is this distressing to you. I can't and I won't. Why would she reject me if most of you say she has feelings but there's a reason behind her behavior? I'm gonna do something. I thought of sending her flowers or a letter, what do you think?
Versacehottie Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 I can't and I won't. Why would she reject me if most of you say she has feelings but there's a reason behind her behavior? I'm gonna do something. I thought of sending her flowers or a letter, what do you think? She will "reject" you because you are having an intense internal debate with yourself and external with people who have no crystal ball really on the situation. You are giving yourself tons of reasons "why not" as if the analyzation actually will help your case. The only thing that will help your case is definitive action or inaction; the rest is in your head. When you start to believe the reasons "why not" your behavior changes--that is a fact. Same as if you start to believe the reasons "why". You need to pick one mental path and take it. You don't want to not be with her so you so do everything in your power to convince yourself that it is possible. Sometimes you can't overcome the debate in your head--you need to get out of your head and just start "doing". What is the worst that will happen if she does not want to be with you? You will survive. I wouldn't send flowers or a letter. I think you should straight up have the conversation. Since you are at the point of needing an answer about what is going on and telling her what is going on with you. Thus dialogue is better, phone, or skype. Not that flowers or letter are bad but not the best in this situation. Even a letter where you pour your feelings out will only be one-sided. You need to hear what she thinks and tell her based on her questions and concerns what you think. Two-way communication.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 I can't and I won't. Why would she reject me if most of you say she has feelings but there's a reason behind her behavior? I'm gonna do something. I thought of sending her flowers or a letter, what do you think? No. Call her. Have that conversation. Flowers and a letter are nice and all but won't be very effective here because it's not an actual conversation. You need to actually speak to her and find out where her heart and mind are.
katiegrl Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 I just read this entire thread and my take is she is having a *love/hate* reaction to you (within herself).. On one hand she is (was) very attracted to you..... but on the other hand, she is extremely angry at you! Hence all her emotional outbursts, tears, storming off, etc. Women do not behave that way when they feel *meh* about a guy. Trust me (and the other female posters) on that one! As for why she is angry, she had an expectation and hope that you would behave/respond to her a certain way.....and you did not meet that expectation. She is hurt, disappointed, angry. You said in your OP that you were seeing each other, and then it stopped. Why did it stop? So a couple of months go by and she reaches out to you twice, to wish you a happy birthday and then to wish you good luck on your exam (with a heart emoji). At that point, why didn't you ask her out again....ask to see her? Instead you continue to text (lame)....then run into her at a party and start dancing with another girl? And you say you are in love with her? WTF. In her mind, she is probably thinking you are a huge player ....or playing her. That is what I would think! And yah, I would be hurt and angry too! Also, as an FYI......words mean jack shyt. So when you say things like, "not sure if you noticed, but my heart beats faster when you're around," given your cavalier actions, sounds like something you read from some lame PUA handbook. Everything she has said to you..... about not having feelings for you, her ex, etc was in direct response to HER thinking you are playing her and don't give a crap. Stop playing games! Grow up and *call* her and tell her how you feel. Be honest...be genuine, no games! Frankly, IMO it may be too late. You have already dug your grave.....and it is gonna be very difficult to dig out. But wish you luck anyway.... Just my two cents.... 1
GuskeGee Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 OP needs to realize he's in too deep in this situation. On one hand he has almost everyone here saying a girl who gets this angry with you doesn't NOT have feelings of some sort, but on the other he has his friends tell him he should just let it go and move on because she just sounds like an ex. I don't think she does tbh. And even IF she does, is that such a bad thing? No, because ex's act that way after a relationship because they're *trying* to move on, and that almost always means they still have feelings that they hate having and as an easier alternative find all the negative stuff about you and *try* to hate you. You weren't in a relationship with her, but yet it's as if you were! That's the crazy part. She's acting like a girl who has/had feelings and is trying to move on. I wonder what the hell is going on here. And that's what's difficult in this particular situation. OP, I think your issue here is that you don't know if you should treat her as an ex you're trying to get back or a girl you're trying to prove your love too. You CAN'T prove your love to an ex if she is trying to move on, so the best approach here is to move on yourself and hope that she has a change of heart and comes back. If it's a girl you're trying to prove your love to then it's without game-playing (sorry for my advice), but a sincere confession on your part - telling her you have feelings and want to establish something serious. She's a hard nut to crack, but one way or another she still has feelings that she's trying to move on from for some reason. PS. I never think I've ever written such a long reply to anyone, but it's a very interesting thread
truth_seeker Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 I agree with this^^ She really has strong feelings for you without a doubt, she is trying to contain it of course, because she was told it was casual/fling. Her reaching out was her hope that you would somewhere, somehow confess to her you have strong feelings for her too and sweep her into your arms. Girls are such romantic silly hearts eh? But that never happened, she is crushed, and doesn't know where to put all these emotions she is having. So she tries to blow cold. Instead of making you approach her, or fight for her attention (for which she was hoping for) you just carry on chatting with other girls. This crushes her even further, she's in a tailspin, and lashes out at you. She isn't about to confess her feelings for you, for she feels she will be just making a damn fool out of herself even more. So she screams she doesn't care about you, blah blah blah to protect herself. So here she is in tears, you didn't sweep her off her feet, and she is devastated. So what are you going to do now?? If it were me, and if she was real worth the trouble, I would show up with flowers in hand, confess and sweep her into my arms lol. ExpatinItaly and Smackie are both right on. If you're really into this woman, you go to her and tell her how you feel. So obvious she's into you big time.
truth_seeker Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 On one hand she is (was) very attracted to you..... but on the other hand, she is extremely angry at you! Hence all her emotional outbursts, tears, storming off, etc. Women do not behave that way when they feel *meh* about a guy. Trust me (and the other female posters) on that one! This is 100% absolute TRUTH!
Recommended Posts