JonClark Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I was dating this girl. Attraction level was huge in the beginning, I live overseas, so we both knew I was going to leave eventually, so we both agreed that this wouldn't be anything serious. I started to have feelings for her. We had something going on, and then it stopped. Two months later, while I was in the country, she reached out to me on my birthday, we texted back and forth. Two weeks later, I had an important exam and she remembered and texted me wising me good luck and a heart emoticon. We again texted back and forth. A week later, we were both at a party of a mutual friend. At first she seemed very cold, then she seemed normal, then she seemed jealous when I talked to this girl. I thought that was a good sign? We all left for a club, and on the way she kinda mocked me, then ignored me the whole time at the club. At one point, I was dancing with a girl and she made sure I saw her dancing with her guy friend. When I asked her to dance with me, she replied "No, because you know how it always ends." We all went back to our mutual friend's apartment and partied some more there. We're allowed to smoke in the kitchen, so I did that (as did everyone), just when she was cooking some pasta or whatever, so she snapped at me for smoking. I decided to have a talk with her, because I couldn't understand why she was so emotional this whole evening. She told me she didn't have feelings for me, so I said we should stop seeing each other, because I have feelings for her. She then stood up and got pissed and stormed out of the room with tears in her eyes. We met up the day after and she was still angry with me. I asked her why she's so mad at me and she told me it's because I smoked while she was cooking pasta, but I know that's bull ***** because she was acting strange the whole night. Then she said I was right the night before and we should just stop seeing each other. When I agreed, she had tears in her eyes, looked mad and turned her back on me and left. So there I stood, confused and shaken. Why was this girl, who I had a fling with for 2-3 months, who contacted me out of the blue again a week ago, and showed interest before this party, suddenly gone from 'liking me' to not having feelings for me at all? Actions speak much louder than words, so why does she say she has no feelings but act with sadness, anger, indifference, jealousy, among other stuff all throughout one night? I keep going back to that night and I can't find ANYTHING I did that could have pissed her off. I don't need no "leave her alone" advice, I just want to know what you guys think is going on when a girl does something like this?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I'm a little confused: does this girl live in your home country? Or where you're now a resident? I think she likes you but she knows there's no future if you're leaving anyway. And it's hard for her, so she is trying to distance herself. She doesn't have the guts to admit this, so she is pinning her anger/frustration on something silly like the smoking. That's my interpretation, anyway. 3
losangelena Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I don't believe that she doesn't have feelings for you or that she's indifferent. Generally speaking, when someone has tears in their eyes or are storming off, there are a lot of unspoken feelings involved. Her saying "I don't have feelings for you" is a way to avoid being truthful about what's really going on; it sounds like she's just pushing you away. I also don't think you "did anything." I personally would find this very tedious. It's clear that she is feeling ... something. She sounds mad or hurt about something, but is either incapable of saying what it is, or she is waiting for you to tease it out of her, which is unfair to you. That is my take on the situation. Do you feel like maybe this is the case? It sucks for you, I'm sure. Whenever my ex would get upset about something, he wouldn't talk about it, he would just act mad and distant and expect me to either ignore it or try and figure it out, both of which can only happen for so long before it gets tiresome. I don't think you should try and placate her sulking or try and "figure out" what you did, because that sets up a bad precedent whereby every time she's upset about something she's going to expect you to decipher it. She needs to be able to verbalize what is going on inside her. What is happening currently? When's the last time you spoke to/saw her? Also, what do you want going forward? Do you want to keep seeing her?
Author JonClark Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 I'm a little confused: does this girl live in your home country? Or where you're now a resident? I've been in the country for six months, that's also when I met her. I left two days after that night. Been gone for a little over a week now.
smackie9 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I'm a little confused: does this girl live in your home country? Or where you're now a resident? I think she likes you but she knows there's no future if you're leaving anyway. And it's hard for her, so she is trying to distance herself. She doesn't have the guts to admit this, so she is pinning her anger/frustration on something silly like the smoking. That's my interpretation, anyway. I agree with this^^ She really has strong feelings for you without a doubt, she is trying to contain it of course, because she was told it was casual/fling. Her reaching out was her hope that you would somewhere, somehow confess to her you have strong feelings for her too and sweep her into your arms. Girls are such romantic silly hearts eh? But that never happened, she is crushed, and doesn't know where to put all these emotions she is having. So she tries to blow cold. Instead of making you approach her, or fight for her attention (for which she was hoping for) you just carry on chatting with other girls. This crushes her even further, she's in a tailspin, and lashes out at you. She isn't about to confess her feelings for you, for she feels she will be just making a damn fool out of herself even more. So she screams she doesn't care about you, blah blah blah to protect herself. So here she is in tears, you didn't sweep her off her feet, and she is devastated. So what are you going to do now?? If it were me, and if she was real worth the trouble, I would show up with flowers in hand, confess and sweep her into my arms lol. 2
Author JonClark Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 I'm a little confused: does this girl live in your home country? Or where you're now a resident? Sorry, forgot to add: She doesn't live in my country, I was visiting her country because of work related stuff and met her. I left for the country where I'm a resident two days after that night.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Sorry, forgot to add: She doesn't live in my country, I was visiting her country because of work related stuff and met her. I left for the country where I'm a resident two days after that night. Then I imagine she's just upset that there isn't a future, given that you don't live in the same country.
Author JonClark Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 I agree with this^^ She really has strong feelings for you without a doubt, she is trying to contain it of course, because she was told it was casual/fling. Her reaching out was her hope that you would somewhere, somehow confess to her you have strong feelings for her too and sweep her into your arms. Girls are such romantic silly hearts eh? But that never happened, she is crushed, and doesn't know where to put all these emotions she is having. So she tries to blow cold. Instead of making you approach her, or fight for her attention (for which she was hoping for) you just carry on chatting with other girls. This crushes her even further, she's in a tailspin, and lashes out at you. She isn't about to confess her feelings for you, for she feels she will be just making a damn fool out of herself even more. So she screams she doesn't care about you, blah blah blah to protect herself. So here she is in tears, you didn't sweep her off her feet, and she is devastated. So what are you going to do now?? If it were me, and if she was real worth the trouble, I would show up with flowers in hand, confess and sweep her into my arms lol. I don't understand. I did confess my feelings to her when she told me she didn't have feelings for me. It was something along the lines of: Me: Why are you acting this way tonight? I don't know if you've noticed, but my heart beats faster when you're around. Her: But I don't have feelings for you Me: Well, then we should stop seeing each other... BAM! She stands up and says "**** you, I don't want to talk to you" and storms out. So why the hell is she saying she doesn't feel anything after I've confessed having strong feelings for her?
Author JonClark Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 Then I imagine she's just upset that there isn't a future, given that you don't live in the same country. But she knows I'm coming back in three months. Her reaction to my "I think we should stop seeing each other" makes me think like she doesn't want me out of her life at all, but why would she want me in her life when she says she doesn't have feelings?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 But she knows I'm coming back in three months. Her reaction to my "I think we should stop seeing each other" makes me think like she doesn't want me out of her life at all, but why would she want me in her life when she says she doesn't have feelings? Are you going back permanently in three months? I still don't really understand your situation. If you're only going back temporarily, then she still knows there's not much point investing. She does have feelings but she's denying it to you and probably herself because again, there's no real future here. She's trying to protect herself. Are you hoping she'll want another fling? Or are you hoping she'd agree to have a long-distance relationship with you? It's not clear what you want, really.
Space Ritual Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Actions are always louder than words. She can say all she wants. She totally has feelings for you. However three months is an eternity for someone who has feelings such as this and to her there are no guarantees that you will feel the same way when you return. Our social interactions are based on our preconceived notion of exact outcomes, either good or bad. In her mind there is an inexact outcome, and she is trying to protect her own heart from you having a change of heart. That is why a lot of times when someone has strong feelings for someone else they run them off because in their mind they are more afraid of the unknown. This is a test of your will, and she wants you to pass this test If you really feel she is worth it, then by all means continue to contact her. She wants to be able to feel at ease knowing you give a damn. And it sounds like you do. But you don't have to convince us, you need to convince her. Good Luck.
Author JonClark Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 What is happening currently? When's the last time you spoke to/saw her? Also, what do you want going forward? Do you want to keep seeing her? I spoke to her last the day after the party when we agreed to stop seeing each other. That was one day before I left the country. I'm in love with her, so of course I'd love to make this work. She knows I'll be back in three months. She left her boyfriend when she met me, that's how it started. She told me it's because she realized she doesn't have any feelings for him. The we started dating. The last time we spoke, when she was mad, I remember her saying something along the lines of "it doesn't help that every time I look at you I see what I've done to my ex" (she broke his heart and kinda cheated on him). Maybe that's part of the reason for her behavior?
Versacehottie Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 To me, as others have mentioned too, she is struggling between two feelings. The fact that she likes you and feeling like she should let it go. She is acting like you are not "doing enough". My guess is despite what she says she is looking for a grand gesture from you. And in spite of going along with the casual and temporary she also started to have real feelings for you. I think her outbursts are mini-tantrums wishing you would lay everything on the line. Guessing that you are approaching things too logically, matter-of-fact for her in spite of how you really feel inside. I don't know what to advise. 3 months before you go back is not that long. Also it depends how long your next stint will be. And then there are the immaturity/bad communication issues on her end. I don't think it's unsurmountable at all. But you will probably need to have a real conversation. Also along with being more factual, you as most guys could just be going with the flow in the present. If she is looking for a grand gesture, she is jumping into the future as a lot of girls do. She is probably also torn between protecting herself and wanting to also just go with the flow but she may not really know where you stand or really how the future will play out (bc she jumps far into thinking about future) so she gets emotional. I don't think her actions match what she says to answer your question. Good luck
losangelena Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Can you reply to some of this, please? I'm still curious. I don't believe that she doesn't have feelings for you or that she's indifferent. Generally speaking, when someone has tears in their eyes or are storming off, there are a lot of unspoken feelings involved. Her saying "I don't have feelings for you" is a way to avoid being truthful about what's really going on; it sounds like she's just pushing you away. I also don't think you "did anything." I personally would find this very tedious. It's clear that she is feeling ... something. She sounds mad or hurt about something, but is either incapable of saying what it is, or she is waiting for you to tease it out of her, which is unfair to you. That is my take on the situation. Do you feel like maybe this is the case? It sucks for you, I'm sure. Whenever my ex would get upset about something, he wouldn't talk about it, he would just act mad and distant and expect me to either ignore it or try and figure it out, both of which can only happen for so long before it gets tiresome. I don't think you should try and placate her sulking or try and "figure out" what you did, because that sets up a bad precedent whereby every time she's upset about something she's going to expect you to decipher it. She needs to be able to verbalize what is going on inside her.
Author JonClark Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 Are you going back permanently in three months? I still don't really understand your situation. If you're only going back temporarily, then she still knows there's not much point investing. She does have feelings but she's denying it to you and probably herself because again, there's no real future here. She's trying to protect herself. Are you hoping she'll want another fling? Or are you hoping she'd agree to have a long-distance relationship with you? It's not clear what you want, really. I have some months where I'm residing in her country because of work, so I'm there twice a year for a couple of months, then I go back. I want a relationship with her. I want her.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I have some months where I'm residing in her country because of work, so I'm there twice a year for a couple of months, then I go back. I want a relationship with her. I want her. Okay. Now that we got that cleared up, you need to communicate this to her. Telling her you have feelings for her is not the same as telling her you would like to have a relationship with her. So at the moment, all she knows is that you like her too but she doesn't realize you want more. She probably still feels sad and disappointed there's no point dating if you have never actually told her you want a committed relationship. How far apart are you, exactly? Would a long-distance relationship be feasible? You need to discuss whether or not she is open to that. 1
Author JonClark Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 Okay. Now that we got that cleared up, you need to communicate this to her. Telling her you have feelings for her is not the same as telling her you would like to have a relationship with her. So at the moment, all she knows is that you like her too but she doesn't realize you want more. She probably still feels sad and disappointed there's no point dating if you have never actually told her you want a committed relationship. How far apart are you, exactly? Would a long-distance relationship be feasible? You need to discuss whether or not she is open to that. See, that's what confuses me. When we started dating, she just got out of a relationship with her ex. She initially dumped him after meeting me, so we decided to take things slow and just hang out and hook up. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship, so we just took it slow. I have gone NC since we last saw each other two weeks ago, because I assumed it would be best if she calmed down (Absence makes the heart grow fonder) and started missing me. It takes 24 hours for me to travel in a car to where she resides, so it's pretty far.
Space Ritual Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 She initially dumped him after meeting me You have answered your own question Jon. She is afraid of the unknown. She is afraid you are going to have a change of heart and she probably does not want to risk her heart. She took a huge risk by dumping her BF when she met you and in her mind your leaving was that inexact outcome I was talking about earlier. I am the resident Prophet of Doom on LS but my initial advice to you still stands. Sometimes the risk is worth the reward. Rarely on Loveshack do I see a case where the risk is really worth it. Your case is an exception. Make the drive man. 24 hours of your life driving would be well worth it if it comes out the way I think it will for you if you take the risk.I am dead serious. I think if you call it a day you will regret it for the rest of your life and you'll bemoan her as "the one who got away". And it will make you sick to your stomach, I bet the thought of doing so is making you sick right now. Get in that car and ride to the sound of the guns! 1
Author JonClark Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 You have answered your own question Jon. She is afraid of the unknown. She is afraid you are going to have a change of heart and she probably does not want to risk her heart. She took a huge risk by dumping her BF when she met you and in her mind your leaving was that inexact outcome I was talking about earlier. I am the resident Prophet of Doom on LS but my initial advice to you still stands. Sometimes the risk is worth the reward. Rarely on Loveshack do I see a case where the risk is really worth it. Your case is an exception. Make the drive man. 24 hours of your life driving would be well worth it if it comes out the way I think it will for you if you take the risk.I am dead serious. I think if you call it a day you will regret it for the rest of your life and you'll bemoan her as "the one who got away". And it will make you sick to your stomach, I bet the thought of doing so is making you sick right now. Get in that car and ride to the sound of the guns! I can't travel now. I'm stuck here 'til march. How else can I let her know? It's a weird situation, because it hurt me when she said she doesn't have feelings, yet I'm being told she's lying to herself. I've heard people say you gotta go NC for her to realize her true feelings towards you and this just doesn't add up. I'm really confused right now
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I can't travel now. I'm stuck here 'til march. How else can I let her know? It's a weird situation, because it hurt me when she said she doesn't have feelings, yet I'm being told she's lying to herself. I've heard people say you gotta go NC for her to realize her true feelings towards you and this just doesn't add up. I'm really confused right now Call her. Skype, FaceTime, whatever. But speak to her rather than message her. 2
Space Ritual Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I can't travel now. I'm stuck here 'til march. How else can I let her know? It's a weird situation, because it hurt me when she said she doesn't have feelings, yet I'm being told she's lying to herself. I've heard people say you gotta go NC for her to realize her true feelings towards you and this just doesn't add up. I'm really confused right now No need to feel confused. She wants you to pass the test Jon. She is waiting for your move. The ball is in your court. I'm actually pulling for you as I think you already know the answer. Expat is right. Skype, Facetime or call...no text or email in a situation like this its too impersonal and it is too easy to misinterpret tone though text 1
Author JonClark Posted January 1, 2016 Author Posted January 1, 2016 I don't know. The whole "every time I look at you I see my ex" thing kind of confused me. I know she broke his heart and started dating me exactly afterwards, but why on earth does she blame me? What if she started to miss him?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I don't know. The whole "every time I look at you I see my ex" thing kind of confused me. I know she broke his heart and started dating me exactly afterwards, but why on earth does she blame me? What if she started to miss him? Then she would break up with you. But there are never any guarantees in relationships. What if she turns out to be a crappy girlfriend? What if you meet someone else? What if she has some weird fetish that turns you off? There are what-ifs in any scenario. The longer you sit around on your laurels, the further away she's going to slip.
GuskeGee Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 It does indeed sound like she has some feelings that she's either unaware of or doesn't want to have. How did she act while jealous? Did she say something or what? I've been through something similar, but not to that extend. I think she may be scared of something and is in denial. A break will most likely help the situation, because if she does have feelings, the more you don't 'exist' the more she'll want you to.
GuskeGee Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Then she would break up with you. But there are never any guarantees in relationships. What if she turns out to be a crappy girlfriend? What if you meet someone else? What if she has some weird fetish that turns you off? There are what-ifs in any scenario. The longer you sit around on your laurels, the further away she's going to slip. I don't think pursuing her will help. She needs to come herself. He has to watch out he doesn't over-pursue her!!!!!! There a multiple great dating coaches that have said what I'm saying because it works. If he starts reaching out, and she was the one saying she doesn't have feelings for him and rejecting him, then he ends up losing 'the game' and she will completely lose interest. That's why the No Contact rule is great. I know they weren't in a exclusive relationship, but it seems like NC is a good idea here too. The last thing he should do is signal weakness.
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