Ashley S Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Hi everyone. So it has been a rocky road. My boyfriend was like Mr. Prince Charming and chased me for 7 months and confessed all of his love to me, etc. It was so lovey dovey, and sweet actually. He seemed like a romantic sweet guy. Well when we made it official, he was different and not as lovey dovey, and people said to not worry about it because people get that way when they enter relationships. He's my first relationship, so I don't know the dynamics of a relationship. However, he was annihilated drunk in October, and I said I had a migraine, and he said "Debbie (his sister) wants to hang out." I said "Not right now I am having a horrible migraine." He said "You wanted to do something all day now you don't want to go?" I said "Because I have a migraine, maybe later." He said "This is why I date mixed girls because they don't whine and complain." i said "how dare you." and went in the bathroom and cried. He assumed we broke up, and he hit up this girl to party, I said "Wtf is your problem? We didn't even vocalize us breaking up, why would you hit up a girl?" He said "I just want someone to party with, I don't want to cheat, I thought we broke up and I didn't want to be alone because i thought you were leaving." So I broke up with him. He said the next day, "I'm sorry I was annihilated, and I wasn't trying to cheat on you, I just wanted someone to party with, I would have never have done that sober." I said "Well, then you have to quit drinking or slow down." he said "I will." So he did slow down, and things were fine. However, as you all know my best friend Layna died, and I am still not over her death. My boyfriend dated her for 3 years and remained platonic friends with her for the next 7 years, and they fought so much, like cat and dog, brother and sister, so immature and ridiculous, I had to break up their arguments more than half the time because they fought over the littlest things. And they both lost their virginities to each other when they were 18. Well iwas crying about her a week ago, and at first he was comforting, and hitting up his sister to talk to me, but then he turned mean and said "Layna's dead get voer it. Move on, she's not coming back." Then just a couple of days ago he put upa cover pic of Layna on his Facebook, and he says in the picture "My ex girlfriend who passed away. Beautiful cuban mixed girl. Gone way too soon." I love her, but I thought that was inappropriate, so I said "i won't be insensitive like you, and say move on, but I do feel uncomfortable that i am your girlfriend and you don't have me as your cover pic, but you have layna?" He said "It's Facebook, it's not that serious, I have our relationship status up. I just wanted to change my cover picture." So it led into an argument and he left. When he left he hit up 5 girls and asked if they wanted to party with him. He didn't say we were broken up, but these girls asked "Where's Ashley?" He said "She's pissed at me." These girls have boyfriends, and he was willing to party with them knowing that. I saw the messages and I said to him "Wtf you leave me and try to party with girls? You are trying to cheat on me aren't you?" He said "No I jsut wanted to party because I knew you were pissed at me, and they have boyfriends and I was willing to hang with their boyfriends too, if I wanted to cheat, why would I be ok with hanging with their boyfriends? I still wanted to party as you can see because that's all I wanted to do." I don't know what to do. He instilled insecurity in me about the mixed girl comment, I never had an insecurity of him cheating until he said that because I feel inadequate. Everytime when he talks to a black girl I automatically get jealous and insecure. I never had that problem before. I don't like how when we get into an argument he automatically leaves and goes hit up girls, but he showed me that he hit up guys too, but he has more female friends, and he told me he is more comfortable around females than males. I don't know what to believe, his best friend told he loves me, and that he wasn't trying to cheat, and that these girls had boyfriends, and he was just trying to party, and his friend is usually on my side so he's not the type that will be on his side all the time. My boyfriend even says he wasn't trying to cheat, but the Layna picture, and what he says, and how he hits up more girls than guys to go party with, makes me insecure. I am asking for your opinion if you think I should believe him? Or was he trying to cheat? What should I do? Am I being too paranoid and ridiculous? Am I going overboard? Or is he in the wrong? Or is he the problem? What do you think. Tell me honestly thank you.
Author Ashley S Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 Also he didn't tell me he hit up these girls. I went through his messages and saw he hit them up. But I don't know if he was being secreative? Or if he just thought it's useless to bring up because it's just not worth talking about? Like I don't know if I should believe him or not in what he says. It drives me crazy. He said he wouldn't waste my time or his time if he didn't want to be with me, so please give me your honest opinion on all of this. Thank you.
kassy Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 It sounds very stressful. I think I would break up, take some time to develop more self awareness and get to know myself better so I have less insecurities and know my own boundaries. Then date someone who respects those boundaries and doesn't hook up with other chicks every time we have an argument. Raise your standards would be my advice. He sounds like someone who is going to destroy the little self esteem you seem to have 1
d0nnivain Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I don't think he was trying to cheat but drunks make dumb decisions. Him being drunk & hurt & even incorrectly thinking you two broke up made it very easy for him to justify being with somebody else. Since he asked lots of people to party, he probably started out just wanting sympathy. I'd be more concerned about this "mixed" business. It sounds pretty insulting from where I sit. I'm sure part if him is still hurting over your friend's death. Cut him some slack about that. Do talk to him. Don't assume he's trying to cheat but address his reaction to your disagreement. 1
Fleur de cactus Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I don't understand why you stAy with this self centered, narcissistic boy? He does not care about other,s feelings. As soon he sees you sad he want to party . Just find another boyfriend. 1
VeveCakes Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 He's an a**. Was there not a post about this a few weeks ago? Nothing is changing, dump him, there is WAY better out there. 1
Gaeta Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 However, as you all know my best friend Layna died, and I am still not over her death. My boyfriend dated her for 3 years and remained platonic friends with her for the next 7 years, and they fought so much, like cat and dog, brother and sister, so immature and ridiculous, I had to break up their arguments more than half the time because they fought over the littlest things. So this man made your friend's life a living hell and you think he's good boyfriend material for you? Where is the logic in that? Do you have any example of what is a good healthy romantic relationship around you? It's like you don't know what a good boyfriend is suppose to be like. Dump him. Start dating mature men. I think you're at an age now you can let go of bad boys. 1
Author Ashley S Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 Thanks everyone. Just to add some more info. His best friend told me this "Ashley, Josh loves you. He cares about you a lot, he wasn't taught love, he had the most messed up childhood. His parents should've been in jail for what they did. His problem is he doesn't know how to deal with your emotions so he leaves, it's not that he doesn't care, he does, he just doesn't know what to do. Also his ex threw things at him, and punched him when they got into arguments. I think he has trauma from that as well, so when he gets in an argument with you he leaves, because he doesn't want it to escalate like how it did with his ex." I said "He doesn't have to hit up girls though. He could just leave to get away, but he shouldn't hit up girls behind my back." he said "These are girls he knew for a long time though Ashley, and they have boyfriends, he knows more females than guys and he hit up guys too. He just feels more comfortable with females because he has a masculinity problem with guys, that's why he has very few guy friends." I know about his childhood and his parents were extremely sadistic and abusive, but it still bothers me. My boyfriend said "The only mixed girl I dated was Layna, all my other girlfriends were white, so that's inaccurate, and I wouldn't waste your time or my time, if i didn't love you or care about you." I want to believe him, and the insecurity will go away, but the problem is I had trust issues before I dated him, So I don't know if it's my own insecurities? Or if I am right? That's why i am confused on what to do. Thanks everyone.
kassy Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 If he has his own issues he needs to sort them out. It's not your job. Just because someone has had a crappy life doesn't mean we need to lower our standards and accept behavior which has a negative effect on us. It doesn't really matter that he loves you, his way of being in a felt with you is not healthy. Break up with him and work on your own issues so you can have a healthy loving relationship with someone else.
Gaeta Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Thanks everyone. Just to add some more info. His best friend told me this "Ashley, Josh loves you. He cares about you a lot, he wasn't taught love, he had the most messed up childhood. His parents should've been in jail for what they did. His problem is he doesn't know how to deal with your emotions so he leaves, it's not that he doesn't care, he does, he just doesn't know what to do. Also his ex threw things at him, and punched him when they got into arguments. I think he has trauma from that as well, so when he gets in an argument with you he leaves, because he doesn't want it to escalate like how it did with his ex." I said "He doesn't have to hit up girls though. He could just leave to get away, but he shouldn't hit up girls behind my back." he said "These are girls he knew for a long time though Ashley, and they have boyfriends, he knows more females than guys and he hit up guys too. He just feels more comfortable with females because he has a masculinity problem with guys, that's why he has very few guy friends." I know about his childhood and his parents were extremely sadistic and abusive, but it still bothers me. My boyfriend said "The only mixed girl I dated was Layna, all my other girlfriends were white, so that's inaccurate, and I wouldn't waste your time or my time, if i didn't love you or care about you." I want to believe him, and the insecurity will go away, but the problem is I had trust issues before I dated him, So I don't know if it's my own insecurities? Or if I am right? That's why i am confused on what to do. Thanks everyone. STOP justifying his poor behavior !! You're going to let a man mistreat you just cause he had a bad childhood? that's not your problem that's HIS. You sound like a battered wife!! who's trying to justify her husband's abuse ' oh but he had a difficult childhood that's why he hits me'. Who cares he loves you!! Really Ashley!! all those men ending up killing their girlfriends or wives did love them! That does not make it right! That does not mean they had to stand by those men!
VeveCakes Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 and running to his phone to text girls for attention when hes upset? Unacceptable.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Ashley, do you know what codependency is? You complain constantly about him, he's a creep in so many ways, and you choose to stay. You are enabling him. Do you have zero healthy relationship models in your life? I feel like you don't have a clue what love is.
xcupid Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 This is not a healthy or loving relationship. Your BF is creating way too much drama and he's self-centered, inconsiderate, and immature. He needs professional help with his childhood/past relationship issues. You can't help him with that. You need to examine why you're letting this drama into your life because "being in love with him" doesn't justify allowing this type of behavior.
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