alwaysonmyown Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 (edited) Hi, I'm looking for outside perspective besides his side. My bf and I have communication and other issues. I wrote something (we communicate alot by messaging) that he took as rude when I didn't mean it that way and didn't think I was saying it that way. To me he often misunderstands or misperceives what I write, and often gets angry easily and disparaging/verbally abusive to me. Some may wonder why I'm even dealing with this or why we're even in a relationship, I wonder the same, but still writing for feedback or validation, etc. The start of this most recent argument was when he told me a couple nights ago that a holiday trip he proposed to my son and I a few weeks ago might be delayed until the end of January, because he overspent. I asked if there was any way we could just drive to the snow without staying days in a hotel as he planned, because I didn't want my son to feel let down. He said he didn't know bc it was alot of gas. Then I said he "shoulda" (should've) said something to me, because then maybe I could have spent the money I had differently or we could have not gone out to eat, etc. so we would have been able to at least drive to the snow vs not at all, etc. Then he said that he did say something and I "bugged" him to get a gift for my son that cost more than he gave me for that (I asked him to order it online and I would give him the money back, but he decided to choose 1 day shipping which made it cost more and didn't ask me). That seemed off subject to me. He told me previously that the trip would be delayed from Christmas to New Year's because of a separate financial issue he had, that he since told me was resolved, so I didn't think it was an issue. The overspending was new. I said that he wasn't so clear before about not being able to go around New Year's, he said he was. I brought up what he told me before about the financial issue and how he told me it was resolved, etc. I said I know/understand his money is tight but there was still the possibility for the trip and so my son would feel let down. He then said he's done alot for me and for me to "act like that" is "****ed up", then right away went into it's "bull****" and it shows how "ungrateful" I am, that he went without paying some of his bills in order to help me (which he didn't tell me before), and said that he told me numerous times about not going to the snow and again I am very ungrateful, I "make" him regret helping me and I "make" him feel used. I said he was getting too angry too easily and not trying to understand, clarify, communicate, etc. So I was done talking then we could talk later. He then went on a tirade that he told me about not being able to go "many times", "go back and look" (he tells me that alot). Maybe he did tell me, but it didn't seem clear. It seemed like there was still the possibility of going around New Year's. He said again that I'm ungrateful, make him feel used, I don't appreciate anything, what the hell is mentally wrong with me, I don't care about him, I am the most selfish person, and that I was getting "****ty" and "bitching" at him when I asked if there was any way we could at least drive there, and what I said about he should've told me. He said he went without groceries (he didn't tell me that), and I had him spend more on my son's gift (again he chose the 1 day shipping without asking me), that he can't afford it because he helped me financially (but he didn't tell me that before). He told me to give him back the money he gave me. A bunch of more cursing, what I've done is disgusting, it's psycho of me, he's tired of being used, he's never helping me again. I never asked or expected him to help me, he offered to and I accepted. I did thank him and felt appreciative. Maybe it doesn't show. Anyway, he went on about he got a very nice gift for my son, he's the reason he got it, probably the best one he got, because I'm a lazy "****ing" mom, get off my ass, I'm the ****ing disappointment, and all I do is say "give me more", after he told me how broke he was (but he didn't tell me until the couple nights ago), I'm so ungrateful it's disgusting, I have alot of nerve, give him his money and he's done with me, tired of being used by an ungrateful leach and bitch, greedy. I don't give a **** about him, all I care about is myself, etc. That I was trying to blame him and it being negative that I told him my son might feel let down, that I tried to use him helping me against him, how about I get a "****ing" job, accused me of being out with my son's father. He thought I was different but I'm not, I'm just out to manipulate and use people (as he was told by a mutual group of acquaintances from 15+ years ago who didn't and don't know me). He then went into past/still existing issues that he knows I've been dishonest and cheated bc a person who tries to use people wouldn't care about cheating and that's why I was fine with it before (I "cheated" when we first started talking unfortunately, it was in the first 2 months we talked online, before we met in person. He put me through the ringer for it and we disagree to this day on it.) He said that when I tell him he doesn't know me that I'm wrong, he does when I do the same things over and over again. After all that I brought up again that he misunderstood what I said or was trying to say, and he said he knew exactly what I said, that I got "****ty" with him, and that me telling him about my son maybe feeling let down was trying to make him feel guilty, when I wasn't trying to do that at all, that I showed my appreciation for how much he's helped by "sticking my hand out and demanding more", etc. that I'm a vulture. That I wasn't there for my dying grandmother and everyone saw through it (I'd say a large part is because I've been pretty depressed and kind of avoiding her dying). So, he's using things against me. It went on. Him wanting his money, his key and stuff, and asking pretty much right away if he needs to come over with the police. He said "all he did" was try to help and "all I do" is try to make him feel bad and ask for more (seems like trying to make me feel guilty). He said that I told him he was letting my son down (which I did not say directly or mean in that way). I told him I wasn't trying to, that I was just saying it or trying to talk to him about it. He said if it wasn't for him my son wouldn't have alot of what he has (not true, we would be fine and maybe even better). He added in that I was a whore for being with other people or cheating on him in the beginning. I think part of it was him using my recent past before him against me too. And that I owe HIM an apology for getting "****ty". That I was "bitching" about my son not going to the snow, if it wasn't for him helping me we'd be able to go. He said he asked a few friends about it and they said I sounded spoiled, ungrateful, and like a gold-digger. He's said things like that often which is weird to me, like he's right and everybody is on his side about a situation, or he threatens or brings up a lawyer and people scramble to fix an issue, etc. He has helped me financially, and I have appreciated it, yet he is vehement that I don't and has repeatedly said/*told* me that I don't. I didn't ask him to help, he offered it, and I accepted when I probably shouldn't have because it turns out like this, in my view being used against me or as leverage over me. I feel attacked and on the defensive when things get like this. It seems there is nothing right that I can say, or it will be used against me. I try or do step back from it. He gets too angry in my view, and it seems like talking to a wall. I know I can use learning to communicate better, and probably getting out of this. We don't live together. I think he might be projecting onto me alot, it's like he doesn't even see me or anything good about me, he sees all the bad things he thinks about me. I know me cheating might be a big part of it. He blames his trust issues on me, but I think he had some before. I think there were/are alot of other red flags from my side, like things were moving fast, with him talking about getting married or having a child very quickly, etc. Getting me gifts, creating indebtedness, because he's brought up over and over again how much he's helped me, brings it up in arguments, etc, and that I haven't done the same for him. It's been hard to be close with all this going on pretty much the whole time (1 1/2 years). Was what I said that horrible to warrant all of that? Do I seem that horrible? I think I have a brain issue where I have trouble seeing things from other's point of view. I know that shouldn't be an excuse, but I have a really hard time if I can at all. Edited December 30, 2015 by alwaysonmyown
ExpatInItaly Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I didn't even need to read all of this to come to this conclusion: Your boyfriend is a verbally and emotionally abusive bully. He is a jerk, plain and simple. He has zero respect for you and certainly doesn't love you. Why are you tolerating this crap? Show yourself and your son that this type of treatment from any man is unacceptable. For what it's worth, I have an ex that sounds a lot like your boyfriend. Notice the use of the word ex. 4
PegNosePete Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Some may wonder why I'm even dealing with this or why we're even in a relationship, I wonder the same, but still writing for feedback or validation, etc. Yes, after reading your entire post, that is exactly what I am wondering. Relationships are not meant to be like that. He is an abusive jerk and you should dump him ASAP. I think I have a brain issue where I have trouble seeing things from other's point of view. No, I think he has a brain issue that he is an abusive jerk, and for the sake of your and your son's sanity you should get as far away from him as possible, as soon as possible. 2
Author alwaysonmyown Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 Thanks you two. I'd say he and I are over, except he's the one dumping me somehow. Either way, my son thankfully hasn't been exposed to much.
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