After 43 years finally found the perfect guy for me, BUT...

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

...either he is blind and doesn't see how perfect we are for each other, or he only likes me as a friend, which I kinda find it hard to believe since most men want to use me for sex.

 

I have had the worst dating history of anyone I know, this is it right here;

 

Up to age 26; single

Age 26-28; reluctantly dated guy I didn't love just because he was the only guy who ever wanted a relationship not just sex

Age 29-43; single

 

I HAVE casually dated about 5 or 6 guys since my only boyfriend, but either they only wanted to use me for sex (which I will not tolerate), or they just weren't right for me and I learned my lesson from my ex boyfriend not to stay with someone just because they like you. So, that leaves me alone, better than being with the wrong person I guess, but who wants to be in their 40's only having had one relationship? I want someone to share my life with. I have SO much love to give, I'm just ready to burst out with it! And it kills me to never get that chance.

 

Now, I think I finally met a guy that is perfect for me; We both believe in monogamy & want a serious relationship, we both have the same spiritual views of life, we have the same dream (to travel the country selling our art), we are both Virgos (good match), I've always wanted a sister or a neice and he has a daughter, there are more but those are the main ones, anyway you get my point, this is the only guy I have ever met in my life who matches me this well.

 

Reasons why I think he DOES like me;

-He opens up to me about personal things in his life, I know his entire life story after really only talking to him for a few months.

-He asks me a lot of questions, such as how my Christmas was, what presents did I get, what I'm doing for New Years Eve, who I'm gonna be with that night, what I'm doing after work, what I'm doing on the weekend, what kind of concerts I've been to, who I'm going to Chicago with in April, etc.

-He has told me he has stuck up for me at work when talking to the boss

-He is always offering to help me at work with things I need help with, even if I am set to do it myself, he will do it for me.

-He is always moving closer to me every time we talk, usually getting so close we touch in some way.

-He is always looking at me every time we pass each other or catch a glimpse of each other, every single time, always looking at me.

-He walked into the room of people and first thing he does is compliment me on my shirt, which has spiritual stuff on it and nobody in 15 years of wearing that shirt has ever said anything before.

-Fidgets when talking to me, and acts nervous and awkward with me a lot, not all the time, but sometimes it's so obvious I can't believe others don't notice it.

-3 times now he has hinted at doing something together (me joining him for plans he has, us "hanging out sometime" (to show me one of his hobbies we both are interested in, me joining him and his friends at a festival next summer).

-He jokes around with me and does little funny things to mess with me.

-Was super excited when he found out all the things we had in common (kept saying "That's awesome!!" with a big smile on his face)

-He needed to get my attention once to tell me something once and put his hand on my shoulder and leaned in closer to tell me and kept his hand on my shoulder for like 5 seconds.

-Always copies my body language (if i'm leaning on something, he'll do it too)

-Has offered to train me in new areas at work (he doesn't train people, but just wanted to work with me, I think!)

 

Reasons why I think he DOESN'T like me;

-He's never asked for my number or to add me on FB

-He's never actually finalized plans or set a date for all these things he hints around about doing together

-He talks about other girls a lot (one he met recently and tried to date but it didnt work out, wanting to go to a specific club that has "more girls", telling me his entire dating history including one he still has a crush on but she broke up with him, then saying "there's someone for me out there somewhere!")

-Whenever other coworkers are around, he gets really reserved, not like when we're working alone together.

 

I know there is no sure way to know unless I ask him, but I don't want things to get awkward if I ask him and he's not interested, since we work together. I can't help but be hopeful though because never has a guy been so perfect for me, and he's gotta see it, he just isn't asking me out, lol It's only been about 2 months that we've really been talking, the first month I worked there he barely talked to me, but the more time goes by, the more he opens up.

 

I normally wouldn't get my hopes up so much for someone but at my age, the chances of meeting a guy who is right for me gets slimmer with each year. It took my entire life so far to find this one, if this doesn't happen, I will probably lose all hope it will ever happen. That is why I am analyzing this and trying to figure out if he really likes me or not. So I thought I'd ask in here to get some opinions.

Edited December 30, 2015 by AstraeaLunaAvani

[Snakechammah]

This is one of my favourite articles about gauging a man's body language: 20 Body Language Signs That Mean He's Into You

 

I too, have been pondering about how my work crush feels for me - for the past 10 months - and based on the above link, he "does". But he didn't make a move on me, and I was so frustrated.

 

Turns out he had a girlfriend all those times... And when he broke up with her (naturally, not my fault!), he asked me out and now we're dating.

 

So maybe your guy is the same way? Do you know if he's single? Maybe he is afraid to get closer because of work boundaries?

 

Don't lose hope. God's delay is not his denial. (I'm not religious but that's a quote I really like) I hope 2016 is a better year for you. All the best!

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

This is one of my favourite articles about gauging a man's body language: 20 Body Language Signs That Mean He's Into You

 

I too, have been pondering about how my work crush feels for me - for the past 10 months - and based on the above link, he "does". But he didn't make a move on me, and I was so frustrated.

 

Thanks for that, I'm excited to read it after work tonight!

 

Turns out he had a girlfriend all those times... And when he broke up with her (naturally, not my fault!), he asked me out and now we're dating.

 

Oh awesome for you!!

 

So maybe your guy is the same way? Do you know if he's single? Maybe he is afraid to get closer because of work boundaries?

 

I know he's single, he has told me every single detail about every woman he's ever dated and why it ended. His FB page says single too. He's always talking about trying to find a girlfriend. I feel like shaking him and yelling "open your eyes!" lol It could be the work thing, although if he's that desperate for a gf you'd think he would take anyone at this point. On his FB page he talks about being so lonely and nobody gives a **** about him. He's gotta see that I do!

 

Don't lose hope. God's delay is not his denial. (I'm not religious but that's a quote I really like) I hope 2016 is a better year for you. All the best!

 

Wow I love that quote!! I'm not religious either but I'll rephrase it to "The universe's delay is not his denial"...oh thank you for that, i'll remind myself of that every time I feel sad!

[central]

So, you work with him? Perhaps that is the problem - he won't date someone he works with, as there is too much potential for drama at some point. I have never and will never date anyone I work with, unless we're in different office and different reporting chains - even then, I'd be wary.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

So, you work with him? Perhaps that is the problem - he won't date someone he works with, as there is too much potential for drama at some point. I have never and will never date anyone I work with, unless we're in different office and different reporting chains - even then, I'd be wary.

 

Yeah we work together, but 99% of the time we're in separate rooms and don't even need to interact. It's just that he will offer to train me on a job then talk my ear off all night, or he'll stop doing his job and come and help me, like last night he spent 1/3 of the night helping me, and I know he had work to do but he said he didn't, lol

 

It could be why, in that case I wouldn't feel so rejected. But I wish I knew the real reason without having to ask. I don't want him to know I like him unless I know he likes me too, lol

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

What do you mean single up to age 26?

[newmoon]

well, since you mentioned you're a virgo, i'll just say the downside of being a virgo is living in your head and overanalyzing every.single.thing. and picking apart the details until nothing remains and no action is ever taken. you might want to stop that and go against your virgo-analytical self this one time - try stepping outside of your comfort zone and just be a 43-year-old woman and be upfront with the guy. just make sure you have your resume ready in case you need a new job - even if you end up dating.. office romances rarely end well...

[FNKP7M85]

Being upfront and just asking him how he feels about you (and letting him in on how you feel about him) will be a whole lot less awkward than going through life speculating about it. Just saying.

 

You might not get the answer that you want.....and be prepared for that possibility. But it's just as likely that you'll get the answer which you seek. Either way it would probably diminish your anxiety level quite a bit.

 

Anyway it sounds like he digs you from all that you say but maybe he's feeling the same apprehensions.

 

It's human emotions not rocket biology........don't over think it.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

What do you mean single up to age 26?

 

I mean I was single until I was 26, lol

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

well, since you mentioned you're a virgo, i'll just say the downside of being a virgo is living in your head and overanalyzing every.single.thing. and picking apart the details until nothing remains and no action is ever taken. you might want to stop that and go against your virgo-analytical self this one time - try stepping outside of your comfort zone and just be a 43-year-old woman and be upfront with the guy. just make sure you have your resume ready in case you need a new job - even if you end up dating.. office romances rarely end well...

 

Yeah I do over analyze everything, not just with dating but even with what i'm gonna make for dinner, what i'm gonna wear the next day, etc. lol It's so ingrained in me I can't help it.

 

We don't work in an office, it's a factory, and we only actually work together maybe once every few weeks. Otherwise we're on complete opposite ends of the building. The last 2 times we worked together was actually only because he volunteered to train me on jobs I hadn't learned yet. So if we dated and it went bad, we could easily be able to avoid each other without even having to talk.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Being upfront and just asking him how he feels about you (and letting him in on how you feel about him) will be a whole lot less awkward than going through life speculating about it. Just saying.

 

You might not get the answer that you want.....and be prepared for that possibility. But it's just as likely that you'll get the answer which you seek. Either way it would probably diminish your anxiety level quite a bit.

 

Yeah, I know that's the right thing to do...I admit work is a lot funner right now though, if he didn't like me, it would ruin everything and I would want to quit just to avoid seeing him. I am sure it will come out eventually, somehow, some way, lol Chances are we'll be going out drinking together at some point (at least he's been hinting about it) and I can't keep much inside when I'm drunk, lol Maybe he'll be more open too then. I think that will be a safe way to bring it up, at least then he'll be more uninhibited and if he doesn't like me he will react better than if he was sober, lol

 

Anyway it sounds like he digs you from all that you say but maybe he's feeling the same apprehensions.

 

That's the vibe I'm getting too. Like even when I first started there, he barely said a word to me for the first month, then BAM it was his entire life story within a few weeks, lol I think the first time he talked to me with a real conversation, we were in the same room working together yet he didn't say a word for half the night, then suddenly he comes over and starts talking about a girl he was interested in, and I remember thinking, 'we never talk, why is he suddenly telling me something personal about himself'? I thought that was an odd first conversation to have with someone, lol

 

It's human emotions not rocket biology........don't over think it.

 

Actually I think human emotions and behaviors are as complex and confusing as rocket biology, lol

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I mean I was single until I was 26, lol

 

So you got your first ever boyfriend at age 26? If so, that's surprising for a woman

[TooLegitToQuit]

He hasn't asked you out yet? Then this reads to me like an unrequitted crush. Sorry.

Edited January 2, 2016 by TooLegitToQuit

[FNKP7M85]

Yeah, I know that's the right thing to do...I admit work is a lot funner right now though, if he didn't like me, it would ruin everything and I would want to quit just to avoid seeing him. I am sure it will come out eventually, somehow, some way, lol Chances are we'll be going out drinking together at some point (at least he's been hinting about it) and I can't keep much inside when I'm drunk, lol Maybe he'll be more open too then. I think that will be a safe way to bring it up, at least then he'll be more uninhibited and if he doesn't like me he will react better than if he was sober, lol

 

 

 

That's the vibe I'm getting too. Like even when I first started there, he barely said a word to me for the first month, then BAM it was his entire life story within a few weeks, lol I think the first time he talked to me with a real conversation, we were in the same room working together yet he didn't say a word for half the night, then suddenly he comes over and starts talking about a girl he was interested in, and I remember thinking, 'we never talk, why is he suddenly telling me something personal about himself'? I thought that was an odd first conversation to have with someone, lol

 

 

 

Actually I think human emotions and behaviors are as complex and confusing as rocket biology, lol

 

You're just putting off the inevitable. Wouldn't you rather figure out the status of your relationship now and maybe invest in it should it be something both of you feel is worth working on? The alternative is to wait, do nothing and hope for something positive to happen. Worse yet, by not making progress in a new relationship you run the risk of having it fade out.

 

In my mind, the less ambiguity there is in a relationship the better. And this applies to any relationship, not just those of the romantic nature. It is better to have an answer, even if it goes against ones hopes, than to speculate. This is a matter of being truthful to both yourself and the other person and is a foundation on which to build a relationship.

 

Reading your post I sense that you fear consequences that are really nothing to be afraid of. Mostly what I read into it is that you're worried that he might not share the same feelings that you're having for him. That may be the case...or it may not. But all I can say is that the underlying truth won't change regardless and ultimately it's up to the two of you to find out what the truth is. Actually the burden really is mostly on you since you've chosen to let it impact your life.

 

Living under some level of fear is no way to go through life.....been there a few times myself. So be strong and do something about it. You'll feel better about yourself in the long run.

 

As far as workplace relationships are concerned, they are what you make of them. Read my other post. I supervise my ex-fiancee which probably would be pretty awkward to a lot of people but really is not. Why? because we both chose to not let our prior feelings for each other dictate how we presently function as co-workers. So it can be done....if you so choose. The alternative to being decent to one another is unacceptable.

 

I really think you'll be OK regardless of the outcome. He's a lucky guy to have someone like you caring that much for him....if only we could all have that! And if he doesn't reciprocate? Well then he wasn't worth it and you should (and will) find someone that is worthy and values you.

 

And finally, you are 100% correct. Human relationships are complex and almost always messy..... but far from formulaic. But I prefer to consider to consider it more of an art than a science as the benefits of participating in are highly subjective and questionable. I often wonder why we even try.

[FNKP7M85]

Forgot to mention that there is really nothing wrong with just being friends.....should it come to that.

 

We all like to go long....but sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

Edited January 2, 2016 by FNKP7M85

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

So you got your first ever boyfriend at age 26? If so, that's surprising for a woman

 

Yeah...and I didn't even like him that much, I only dated him because he was the first guy that ever liked me. I learned my lesson with him though, after that I wouldn't date just any guy that liked me, I needed to like him a lot too. Which is why I have been single ever since that guy, so about 13 or 14 years now, I lose track after so long.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

He hasn't asked you out yet? Then this reads to me like an unrequitted crush. Sorry.

 

Well he really only started talking to me a month ago, before that he was super quiet around me then suddenly BAM like I said, I knew his life story within a few weeks, lol He has said on his FB page that he is horrible at communication so that might explain the strangeness of his talking methods, lol

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

You're just putting off the inevitable. Wouldn't you rather figure out the status of your relationship now and maybe invest in it should it be something both of you feel is worth working on?

 

Well I am pretty sure we'll be hanging out outside of work soon, now that the holidays are over it's back to life as usual so I think I'm gonna suggest we go out some weekend. It wouldn't be that hard since he's already hinted at it. I know it sounds immature but the alcohol will help the truth come out, it always does.

 

The alternative is to wait, do nothing and hope for something positive to happen.

 

I am a patient person, I like to build a foundation of friendship first before diving headfirst into dating someone. All the guys I have fallen in love with (well, only 2, lol) happened because we were friends first. That is HUGE to me. This guy now I've only really been talking to for a month so maybe to other people that's too long to wait but I like to be friends with a guy for 2-3 months first, it is a good build up so it gives both people the chance to actually want the other, not feel forced to like them just because they're there. This is why online dating never worked for me, I can't like someone just from a picture and a few emails. I have never liked anyone quicker than 2 or 3 months of knowing them. The first month or two everyone is just an acquaintance, until you start to talk more, spend more time around each other, then there is that magical 2 or 3 month mark where you suddenly find yourself thinking about them when they're not around. That's always how it happens for me and although it's never led to a relationship, it would have many times if the guys actually wanted to be with me.

 

Worse yet, by not making progress in a new relationship you run the risk of having it fade out.

 

You mean getting into the friend zone? lol Well we've only really been talking for a month or so, it still feels early to me. I am not a rushy kind of person.

 

Reading your post I sense that you fear consequences that are really nothing to be afraid of. Mostly what I read into it is that you're worried that he might not share the same feelings that you're having for him. That may be the case...or it may not. But all I can say is that the underlying truth won't change regardless and ultimately it's up to the two of you to find out what the truth is. Actually the burden really is mostly on you since you've chosen to let it impact your life.

 

I don't choose this, lol, trust me, I hate that I feel something for somebody who might not like me back. With my track record, when I like a guy I feel excitement but also an equal amount of sadness, because it's never worked out before. I don't count my ex boyfriend because I didn't like him when he was asking me out, I didn't even know him. I felt pressured into it. Maybe that's why I am so big on being friends first because I know how it feels to prematurely fall into a relationship, one or the other is going to feel forced.

 

I really think you'll be OK regardless of the outcome. He's a lucky guy to have someone like you caring that much for him....if only we could all have that! And if he doesn't reciprocate? Well then he wasn't worth it and you should (and will) find someone that is worthy and values you.

 

I really can't believe when people say I will find someone, because of my age and my track record. Yeah I would say that's true for someone in their 20s or 30's, and someone who actually has had true relationships before, and has had a lot of people interested in them. But I have so many strikes against me the way it is.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Forgot to mention that there is really nothing wrong with just being friends.....should it come to that.

 

We all like to go long....but sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

 

"Just friends" to me is as painful as a knife in the stomach. You know how many guys I've been friends with in my life...probably 200 or more. I have had more guy friends than any female ever, I think. Gay guys especially like being my friend, I have liked 2 of them for YEARS only to find out they were gay. In fact one was my best friend and we'd hang out every day for years, we did that for about 18 years before I found out he was gay. And before you say I was blind, nobody else knew either. He dated women (must have been for show), he is very gruff and masculine, everyone thought we were together. Anyway... being just friends with a guy I have feelings for is my idea of hell. I need another male friend like I need a butthole on my elbow. I am sick of being the girl that all the guys like AS A FRIEND. It's the equivalent of always being the bridesmaid, never the bride (only females will understand that though, lol). So yeah, if you can't tell, I feel very strongly against us just being friends. I can't tolerate another situation of wanting what I see every day being dangled in front of me like a carrot I can never eat.

[preraph]

It's not good he tells you his dating life. I mean, this is something women are more likely to talk about to a guy, but guys really take offense to it when women do this, so they usually don't do it themselves.

 

You can't be too careful at work. I mean, please at least be aware that there are motivational books out there that are widely read in the business arena that teach people how to make their coworkers and others like and connect with them. And one way you do that is acknowledge what they tell you, like interests, and agree with it, so it seems like you have so much in common and think alike. And ask questions, and touching is part of it too. I'm not too stupid,but I have been totally fooled by people before in the business world who I thought liked me and then once I was out of the business turned their noses up at me.

 

He may just not want to rock the boat at work if he does really like you that way. The bottom line is if he really wants to ask you out, he will find some way to do that or spend time together, even if it's just organizing a happy hour where others from the office can come too. That's the logical first step, just seeing you after work in a less formal setting with other coworkers. That's within his ability to do. It's within your ability to do too. Lunch or happy hour and see if it makes him more or less personal. Good luck.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Yeah...and I didn't even like him that much, I only dated him because he was the first guy that ever liked me. I learned my lesson with him though, after that I wouldn't date just any guy that liked me, I needed to like him a lot too. Which is why I have been single ever since that guy, so about 13 or 14 years now, I lose track after so long.

 

Interesting, because usually whenever a person reaches 25+ years of age without ever having a relationship, its almost always guys

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

It's not good he tells you his dating life. I mean, this is something women are more likely to talk about to a guy, but guys really take offense to it when women do this, so they usually don't do it themselves.

 

I've had many guys do this though, in fact one guy I dated (who REALLY liked me, he was crushed when I stopped dating him), he told me before we dated about every girl that treated him like crap, pretty much the same this current guy is doing. He (this current guy) told me how they cheated on him and weren't there for him when he had surgery, how one went off birth control so she'd get pregnant and he'd have to give her child support. So I didn't think it was that strange, NOT talking about it would be more strange to me. At least they're being open and honest. I would be worried if a guy was secretive about his past & the women in his life.

 

He may just not want to rock the boat at work if he does really like you that way. The bottom line is if he really wants to ask you out, he will find some way to do that or spend time together, even if it's just organizing a happy hour where others from the office can come too. That's the logical first step, just seeing you after work in a less formal setting with other coworkers. That's within his ability to do. It's within your ability to do too. Lunch or happy hour and see if it makes him more or less personal. Good luck.

 

Well he has asked me a few times what I'm doing after work, or on the weekend, for New Years Eve, etc. He has no car so he can't take me anywhere or meet me anywhere, he needs someone to drive him. One Friday night he asked what I was doing after work, I said "Nothing, it's 11pm" and he goes "Exactly, it's Friday 11pm, the night is young!" and then we got to talking about different bars in town, where he lives, etc. then his friend/coworker came in the room who is the one that drives him around, and he said to him "I hardly ever feel like going out but I feel like going out now!" his friend didn't say much, so I'm assuming he didn't want to. Then that's where it ended. I assumed he didn't want to ask me to drive him, but I also really didn't feel like going out that late because when I go out drinking, I like to go earlier so I have time to sober up before bar closes. So next time the subject gets brought up, I won't be afraid to say I would rather go on a Saturday night, how about that, then see what he says.

Edited January 2, 2016 by AstraeaLunaAvani

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Interesting, because usually whenever a person reaches 25+ years of age without ever having a relationship, its almost always guys

 

I know, which makes me feel worse. I'm not even ugly or fat, and I think my personality is cool, at least a lot of guys tell me that. I've had guys tell me I'm so cool why don't I have a boyfriend, and I am one of the rare hard to find good girls, but yet that's not enough for them apparently. I have just concluded that men put sex above love, and since I don't have sex without being in a relationship, they would rather not wait I guess.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I know, which makes me feel worse. I'm not even ugly or fat, and I think my personality is cool, at least a lot of guys tell me that. I've had guys tell me I'm so cool why don't I have a boyfriend, and I am one of the rare hard to find good girls, but yet that's not enough for them apparently. I have just concluded that men put sex above love, and since I don't have sex without being in a relationship, they would rather not wait I guess.

but like I've said many times before, maybe women complain and vent about it less than men do, just a guess of mine

[PinkInTheLimo]

First question (just out of precaution): are you sure this guy is not gay?

For the rest I think that it is possible that this guy is really just seeing you as a good work buddy, feeling comfortable around you but without being attracted to you. Maybe you are a very good listener, an empathic person which makes people/guys see you as some kind of mother/big sister figure. Be careful because some people kind of emotionally use others. They are nice yes but in the end the nature of the contact they have with you is opportunistic.

 

Rather than wondering in silence what is going on I would try to meet him outside of work for a drink and ask him directly how he feels about you. If he does not fancy you it will be tough for a while but this seems better than continuing to focus on him while he does not feel about you the same way.