hhatesboys Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I've been in what I refer to as a "fake-lationship" for a year now. It is basically FWB. I still date other people and I would not be surprised to learn that he does also. We aren’t agreed on any commitment or anything and I don’t even want that. I’ve been divorced for 4 years. I am not looking to jump into a serious commitment. I like dating other people. I kind of just want to be a part of his life as in get invited to a BBQ or any kind of activity… enjoy the “friend” part of FWB. LOL, basically I want to date him. But every time I have tried to move things forward he ghosts and I won’t hear from him for weeks. He has done this a few times and every time I’m like “ok, I guess it’s over” and he magically reappears as soon as I’m over it. And of course I fall for it and end up in the same position again. After a year on/off I figure we're never moving beyond this point. I didn't talk to him about it... there is nothing to discuss really. He knows what I want. So I gave up on him and just figured he would go away. Lately I've just been less available and frankly kind of a b**** to him. But then… I’ve run into him in public a couple times (I’ve never seen him anywhere for the past year?) and last week he sent me a good morning text (??!!!). That, and he has done several CONSIDERATE things that are out of the scope of our normal relationship. And I know I should be like “if I am this surprised that he is considerate, I should probably burn this relationship to the ground…” but I think he gets that I am really about to bail this time. I have no idea how to react because if I respond positively (like I have in the past) he will stop giving me all of the attention and I will end up being ignored again. This happens with other guys, too. Not as obvious as with this guy but it seems the less interested I am the more persistent they get! And I know that this is "the game" or whatever... have any of you ladies figured out how to NOT let this happen? I hate it! Can't we just both be nice to each other at the same time? But I can't break the pattern ever. Is being super aloof really the only way to keep them interested? And seriously at what point can I actually act interested without having him running from all these female expectations or whatever they are scared of? 1
The Way I Am Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Yep, I figured out how to not have that happen. Get rid of the guy and get one that doesn't only want what he doesn't have. 3
basil67 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 It's simple to have a relationship without games: if you date anyone who plays games, you dump them. And don't get into FWB arrangements. In short, if a guy won't give a relationship and/or not play games, don't bother. Set your standards higher is the answer. 2
Author hhatesboys Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 Yep, I figured out how to not have that happen. Get rid of the guy and get one that doesn't only want what he doesn't have. ROFL! Higher standards is the logical answer, but all the guys I've gone out with have had this problem to some degree... If I had higher standards I wouldn't be dating at all. hmmm, I will need more cats....
The Way I Am Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 If I had higher standards I wouldn't be dating at all. Just think of how much less stressful that would be. hmmm, I will need more cats.... They're a lot better to spend time with than guys like this. I prefer dogs though. 4
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Just think of how much less stressful that would be. .....They're a lot better to spend time with than guys like this. I prefer dogs though. Cannot agree or like this post enough. Especially the bit about dogs. So much more companionable, loyal, devoted and attentive than any men I have known....
road Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 ROFL! Higher standards is the logical answer, but all the guys I've gone out with have had this problem to some degree... If I had higher standards I wouldn't be dating at all. hmmm, I will need more cats.... I think the phrase "higher standards" needs to be replaced with the bums that you date. I think you need to "change your standards" and stop going out only with the players. See your current standards only having you accept players into your "life" instead of dating men that want to build a "life" with you. 1
GingerVixen Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 You are getting emotionally involved like most women do in FWB. But he sees you as a FWB. Only that. You're not his girlFriend so Dont expect the treatment he would give to a girlFriend. Learn how to deal with it or leave him. 1
Bigmess2 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I'm in a very similar boat. I have found in my experiences that men like the chase and so they only give you the attention you seek when you are pretending not to have interest. It's a very very frustrating game and it's one that shouldn't have to be played.. 1
GingerVixen Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I'm in a very similar boat. I have found in my experiences that men like the chase and so they only give you the attention you seek when you are pretending not to have interest. It's a very very frustrating game and it's one that shouldn't have to be played.. Not all men like this push/pull bull****. Only players do that 2
VeveCakes Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Emotionally unavailable...don't waste your time.
dobielover Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Not all men like this push/pull bull****. Only players do that Here we go with the players stuff again. Emotionally unavailable men do it. Men who get scared by clingy women do it. Men who are legitimately busy but are dealing with an anxiously-attached woman who perceives him as hot-cold do it. Not all men who behave in ways we don't like are irreprable players.
Buddhist Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 have any of you ladies figured out how to NOT let this happen? I hate it! Can't we just both be nice to each other at the same time? But I can't break the pattern ever. Is being super aloof really the only way to keep them interested? And seriously at what point can I actually act interested without having him running from all these female expectations or whatever they are scared of? Yes I've figured this out. I don't date conflicted people who are scared of commitment. There's really no other fix for it. You can't correct someone elses commitment issues with your behaviour. The simple truth is you are dating the wrong guys. Don't get into FWB is that's not what you want. a FWB isn't going to become a bf, it's highly unlikely. The are wanting FWB because they don't want to emotionally commit to anything. So stop being someone' glory hole and start being a worthwhile dating partner. 1
Samhain Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Not really sure why people are calling this guy a "bum" and other names. The OP made it clear that he was for sexual use only and she dates other men too. Why should he give anything more of himself, when he's not being treated as anything more than a penis on legs either. You set the rules, you wanted nothing serious, and from what you've said, you have had the same boundaries with the other men in your life too. If you don't want there to be room for confusion, don't expect more than you originally said you wanted. 1
kendahke Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I kind of just want to be a part of his life as in get invited to a BBQ or any kind of activity… enjoy the “friend” part of FWB. LOL, basically I want to date him. Your first task is being truthful to yourself. What you describe here is wanting a relationship. Not many guys in FWB's take their f-buddy around barbecues with their family or friends because they don't want to have to explain who you are and why he's with you to them. A guy who wants to be your man has no problem doing this because he's not intimidated by his friends' reaction to someone he's never mentioned to them before. But every time I have tried to move things forward he ghosts and I won’t hear from him for weeks. He has done this a few times and every time I’m like “ok, I guess it’s over” and he magically reappears as soon as I’m over it. And of course I fall for it and end up in the same position again. He's playing games and you're going along with it to keep him in your life. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He wants to keep things the same. After a year on/off I figure we're never moving beyond this point. I didn't talk to him about it... there is nothing to discuss really. He knows what I want. So I gave up on him and just figured he would go away. Lately I've just been less available and frankly kind of a b**** to him. But then… I’ve run into him in public a couple times (I’ve never seen him anywhere for the past year?) and last week he sent me a good morning text (??!!!). That, and he has done several CONSIDERATE things that are out of the scope of our normal relationship. He's keeping you on the hook with this. Once the hook is firmly in your cheek, he doesn't have to worry about the line going slack until it does, then he does what he needs to do to get the hook back in your cheek. have any of you ladies figured out how to NOT let this happen? I hate it! Yes. I don't get into FWB involvements because eventually, someone ends up wanting more than the other. We both have to be on the same page in the same chapter of the same book. If not, they have to go. But I can't break the pattern ever. Is being super aloof really the only way to keep them interested? And seriously at what point can I actually act interested without having him running from all these female expectations or whatever they are scared of? If you want FWB, then stick to that and all that it requires. If you want a relationship, which is sounds like you do, then you have to suss that out of them early on and the first time they run this trick down on you, you nip it in the bud right there and then and dont' be worried about how you're coming across. Gameplaying is for children. If you're not into playing games with them, don't participate in them hoping it will manipulate them into an action they have no intention on taking with you. You can't sex a man into a relationship he doesn't want to be in.
GingerVixen Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Here we go with the players stuff again. Emotionally unavailable men do it. Men who get scared by clingy women do it. Men who are legitimately busy but are dealing with an anxiously-attached woman who perceives him as hot-cold do it. Not all men who behave in ways we don't like are irreprable players. I consider a player any man who plays with my emotions. No matter if there are "emotionally unavailable" or simply jerks
Author hhatesboys Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Why should he give anything more of himself, when he's not being treated as anything more than a penis on legs either. Actually, that is an excellent point. I have considered that I don't really invite him into my life either. I've never invited him to anything and I probably won't. Of course, everyone makes good points and I am fully aware that I am an idiot who dates idiots. LOL I have a hard time letting it go because I like having someone to bang. Like I said, he has disappeared and I have decided he is gone and I'm fine. It's just that he keeps coming back. And each time I have become more of a b**** and the more I do that, the more persistent he becomes. I am completely aware that he is afraid of commitment... but so am I. But maybe that is where the miscommunication happens? I really don't feel like wanting to do other things and "date" (non-exclusively) is much of a commitment. Especially after a year. Anyway, thank you for the responses and insight. I am mostly here to learn about other peoples dating problems and kind of just work out my own, I guess.
Author hhatesboys Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Also, maybe this should be added to the whole "FWB" conversation... all of my long term relationships including my 10 year marriage began as FWB type relationships. Not that I have had "a lot" of relationships since I got married young. Where does everyone stand on the whole "skills" part of it? (This is a genuine question.) I feel like it would be an incredible waste of time to develop a relationship with a person only to find out they are bad in bed. Seems like that would also be a pretty big emotional investment in a person that turns out to be ultimately incompatible with you. And it seems like it would be way harder to dump someone in that case than it would earlier in the relationship.
SwordofFlame Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Also, maybe this should be added to the whole "FWB" conversation... all of my long term relationships including my 10 year marriage began as FWB type relationships. Not that I have had "a lot" of relationships since I got married young. Where does everyone stand on the whole "skills" part of it? (This is a genuine question.) I feel like it would be an incredible waste of time to develop a relationship with a person only to find out they are bad in bed. Seems like that would also be a pretty big emotional investment in a person that turns out to be ultimately incompatible with you. And it seems like it would be way harder to dump someone in that case than it would earlier in the relationship. I agree with you regarding assessing sexual compatibility sooner rather than later, but the problem is with many women here they get more emotionally attached once they've have sex with a guy.
kendahke Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 It's just that he keeps coming back. And each time I have become more of a b**** and the more I do that, the more persistent he becomes. I am completely aware that he is afraid of commitment... but so am I. But maybe that is where the miscommunication happens? I really don't feel like wanting to do other things and "date" (non-exclusively) is much of a commitment. Especially after a year. This would all stop and you would get clarity by simply telling him that this mess doesn't fly with you and if he want to continue to smash, he needs to stop playing stupid games. I'm wondering why you're afraid to talk to him?
Author hhatesboys Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I'm wondering why you're afraid to talk to him? Because he is weird. He is the weirdest person I have ever met, which I am CERTAIN is the reason I like him. I am usually very good at communication... but he is always throwing me off with unexpected stuff. Example: I ran into him at the gym yesterday. Everything I know about him tells me he does not want to mess around talking to girls at the gym, it is very important to him and he will prioritize it over everything. So we said hi and hugged and I told him to have a good workout. I honestly did not want to interrupt him. He texted me later and said that I acted like I just wanted him to "go away asap" -- ok I thought he WANTED me to go away. I ended up apologizing. After I apologized, instead of forgiving me he said "lol it's fine. Really. Relax lol" (exact quote) so now he is acting like I'm being weird for apologizing when he expressed annoyance that I blew him off. So stuff like that is why I have a hard time talking to him. He is not predictable. Or at least, everything I predict about him is wrong. But he has done the same thing in the past with either acting like he does not like me, but saying he does... or telling me he only wants FWB and then getting upset about the gym thing. wtf.
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