Issue with a close friend

[CVnine]

So I have had a close female friend (she calls me her best friend), strictly platonic. We are both 27. I have no intimate feelings towards her but I care for her as a friend since we've been friends for more than 7 years and have been though some tough and great times together. Lately I just feel the friendship is very one sided, especially over the past year. Everything seems to always be about her. Myself and my feelings are never considered and its starting to bother me.

 

When she texts me, she doesn't ever ask how I am doing, etc. She rants or complains about things going on in her life and wants to her my take/advice on it. I don't mind helping but I almost feel like I have become "her emotional boyfriend". The same happens in phone calls and in person when we hang out. Everything is always about her and she talks 80% of the time or more. Its like I am essentially there to listen to her when we hang out, she rarely asks about my life, and if she does she quickly turns into back to being about her. Worse I feel like she is consistently putting our plans on the back burning or would easily ask to reschedule so she can do something else.

 

Other times when we are hanging out she'll often focus on her texting people and kind of ignoring me for sometimes up to 5 minutes.

 

Its to the point where I don't ever talk about anything going on in my life to her, even the rare occasions she asks, I just say things are fine and move on. I feel she doesn't care anyway, why bother.

 

So I don't really know what I should to regarding our friendship. As I said before, I feel like I am being used as an emotional boyfriend, and I particularly don't want that. I almost feel like I should just slowly distance myself from her. I do care for her as a friend. I feel she has cared for me as a friend in the past but recently I don't see it anymore.

 

I probably should approach her on this, but how? And if not, is it worth trying to maintain this friendship anymore.

[preraph]

You can try just changing the subject instead of clamming up like you're doing now. You could also tell her "Let's hang out but this time let's try not to talk about unpleasant things and only talk about fun things." You could just stop hanging out with her and taper it off.

[Heracles]

You could remain her friend but distance yourself as you suggested.

 

You should also have a strategy for when she behaves the way you describe which I find insensitive and disrespectful. Personally, I don't acknowledge these types of behaviors but you should find something that works for you and at the same time breaks the pattern.

 

Friends, in my experience, are attuned to each others moods,behaviors and needs. If she still sees you as a friend instead of somebody to be used, it is only natural that she should notice the changes and maybe bring it up in a discussion.

If nothing changes ...

[CVnine]

Thanks. This whole things has really been bothering me the past week. We used to be both very close friends that really went out their way to respect each other and have a good time regardless of what we were doing. She helped me through a bad break up a few years back and pulled me out of a pretty depressed state. Stuff like that, you want these type of people to stay in your life and remain close with.

 

Not sure exactly when, but at some point I really feel like she stopped caring for me a a close friend and started to more or less use me. I battle with this because I remember a lot of the good times in the past and not the recent times.

 

Today she texted me a rant about some drama she is dealing with at her work. I responded about what I thought about it and also talked about a minor medical problem I was having and was asking if she ever dealt with it and what worked. She completely ignored it and kept talking about her work related drama.

 

I like the idea of distancing myself from her and just see if she takes notice. I could blatantly bring up to her that I feel she has been disrespecting me as a friend but the the flip side I feel it should be obvious, she should know and I shouldn't have to.

 

The strategy thing could also work but I don't really know what would be a good way to shut this down.

 

You don't think I am being out of line thinking like this?

[Heracles]

Thanks. This whole things has really been bothering me the past week. We used to be both very close friends that really went out their way to respect each other and have a good time regardless of what we were doing. She helped me through a bad break up a few years back and pulled me out of a pretty depressed state. Stuff like that, you want these type of people to stay in your life and remain close with.

 

Not sure exactly when, but at some point I really feel like she stopped caring for me a a close friend and started to more or less use me. I battle with this because I remember a lot of the good times in the past and not the recent times.

 

Everything is impermanent. Everything changes. What we want, sadly has no bearing on that absolute fact of life.

 

Today she texted me a rant about some drama she is dealing with at her work. I responded about what I thought about it and also talked about a minor medical problem I was having and was asking if she ever dealt with it and what worked. She completely ignored it and kept talking about her work related drama.

 

What you describe there is very inconsiderate. A friend is not an emotional punching-ball.

 

Personally, I wouldn't have answered any of her texts no matter how bad it made me feel. If she asked me why, I would explain. No matter how guilty she would try to make me feel about it -expect that- my stance would remain the same until I am sure she understood what wasn't okay.

 

But that's just me. Find something that works for you.

 

 

You don't think I am being out of line thinking like this?

 

I don't think so. You have to do what's best for you. At the end of the day, nobody butyou will have your best interests at heart.

 

You have to take care of yourself.

[CVnine]

Thanks Herc for that reply, that was good advice. Friendships can change overtime and I do have to move forward and look out for myself.

 

Since my last post she has started to get the message. She texted me a few times last week about stuff going on in her life and I didn't reply, she asked about plans this weekend and I told her I had plans and was busy.

 

She texted me today asking if there was an issue between us since I ignored most of her texts this week. I told her there was and its something I prefer we talk about in person. She said ok let's do that soon. Haven't made a date yet but I intend on meeting her out next week and just lay everything on the table.

[mrs rubble]

I have a friend who is a little similar, she's all doom & gloom & negativity. I've learned to minimise my sympathy, offer sensible advice (if I have some) then politely but firmly changing the subject to focus on me or something positive, if she insists on carrying on with her rant, I ignore (texts) or suddenly "get busy" (in person).

It's just in her nature to behave like this, I'm trying to train her & cope with this aspect of her personality. Seems to work for me & my friend.

[Greene0Kelly]

That's nice. When will you two talk in person? Hoping that your friendship will last. Give us an update OP. Thanks

[privategal]

Thanks. This whole things has really been bothering me the past week. We used to be both very close friends that really went out their way to respect each other and have a good time regardless of what we were doing. She helped me through a bad break up a few years back and pulled me out of a pretty depressed state. Stuff like that, you want these type of people to stay in your life and remain close with.

 

Not sure exactly when, but at some point I really feel like she stopped caring for me a a close friend and started to more or less use me. I battle with this because I remember a lot of the good times in the past and not the recent times.

 

Today she texted me a rant about some drama she is dealing with at her work. I responded about what I thought about it and also talked about a minor medical problem I was having and was asking if she ever dealt with it and what worked. She completely ignored it and kept talking about her work related drama.

 

I like the idea of distancing myself from her and just see if she takes notice. I could blatantly bring up to her that I feel she has been disrespecting me as a friend but the the flip side I feel it should be obvious, she should know and I shouldn't have to.

 

The strategy thing could also work but I don't really know what would be a good way to shut this down.

 

You don't think I am being out of line thinking like this?

 

 

It would save you a lot of trouble wondering what to do and distancing your self if you are able to just be direct.

I have a close guy friend and he will call me out on things I didn't see I was doing.

You can say "Dear x, I have noticed for a long time the conversations have been one sided and you do not seem to care. I have wondered how to bring it up without hurting your feelings. Ive noticed it for a long time now. I wanted you to be aware it is hurting our friendship because in order to be close, two people need to both be able to share eachothers troubles, opinions and such. I care enough about you to be honest so we can talk about it and so that while I am supporting you, I could also have your support too."

 

 

If she DOESNT respond favorable she isn't a good friend, and then I would employ distancing from her and she will know why, but a good friend should be direct. TELL HER TODAY HOW YOU FEEL! That's friendship and maybe if she is a tough cookie don't sugarcoat it as much as I did cause maybe she sees you as a pushover and feels you need her more than she needs you.

[CVnine]

It would save you a lot of trouble wondering what to do and distancing your self if you are able to just be direct.

I have a close guy friend and he will call me out on things I didn't see I was doing.

You can say "Dear x, I have noticed for a long time the conversations have been one sided and you do not seem to care. I have wondered how to bring it up without hurting your feelings. Ive noticed it for a long time now. I wanted you to be aware it is hurting our friendship because in order to be close, two people need to both be able to share eachothers troubles, opinions and such. I care enough about you to be honest so we can talk about it and so that while I am supporting you, I could also have your support too."

 

 

If she DOESNT respond favorable she isn't a good friend, and then I would employ distancing from her and she will know why, but a good friend should be direct. TELL HER TODAY HOW YOU FEEL! That's friendship and maybe if she is a tough cookie don't sugarcoat it as much as I did cause maybe she sees you as a pushover and feels you need her more than she needs you.

 

You are right on the direct approach, I should have done that a month ago. I guess its one of those things, I just tolerated hoping things would change but they haven't.

 

I can appreciate you taking the time to actually outline exactly what I should say and how I should say it. That is actually pretty close to exactly how I feel about the situation and what I feel is going on. Thanks again, this was really nice of you to do!

 

I think I am going to send her a text almost saying the same exact thing (some minor changes).

 

I don't think she is entirely a tough cookie but I suspect she does view me as a pushover and may feel I need her more than she needs me. Its the opposite though in reality. I maintained the friendship last few months and tolerated things because I know she has been going through some stuff and I always think back to sometimes where she was there to comfort me when someone very close to me passed away and also dealt with a relationship I got burned on. But its gone on for too long now, so hopefully I can point out this stuff and things will go back to how there were before this.

[CVnine]

Well I texted her this morning basically what you wrote privategal. I added "Some things just that I have really enjoyed our friendship over the years and I appreciate the times she has been there for me. I don't want to lose you as a friend but I feel like recently things have been heading in this direction with how you have treated me recently. I enjoy our friendship but the state it is in now, I don't needed it."

 

At first I felt I was a little too harsh but then felt justified in what I said when I thought about her behavior towards me. I felt it is just better to hash out my feelings, don't sugarcoat them. I really wanted to say all this stuff in person but privategal your idea got me thing and it was just to tempting to lay it all out in written to her.

 

In her response she said she is taken back by how I feel but realizes she has been an awful friend lately and apologized for how she has acted. She claims she never wants to close me as her best friend and said that things will be different from now on. She said she is upset I feel she has been disrespecting but if that is how I feel she can't change that. She said she wants things to go back to how they were and wants to have a discussion about this wednesday and offered to treat me to dinner.

 

So I suspect she appears to at least recognize she hasn't treated me well and I won't tolerate it any longer. It would be nice if things changes from now on and things go back to normal.

 

Its been a rough 4 months for me with this stuff, having this issue with one close friend and developing strong feelings for another close friend that is in a relationship which I am still not completely over (made another thread about that!).

Edited January 5, 2016 by CVnine

[preraph]

Well, sounds like you did the right thing. As long as she doesn't have some backlash where she thought she was fine with it but then discovers she isn't, maybe things will improve. Sometimes you have to just call your friends out on stuff.