K2z Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 She's married to another guy. About a month or more now. I function, I go through stuff to help me recover, I am contemplating truly epic changes in my life. But somehow-- deep inside-- I feel like it has an agenda of somehow reaching her, compelling her. Somehow she will hear that I have done this, or said that, and be moved. It is utterly irrational. But it is what lives in my belly. Anyone experience similar?
surferchic Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I kinda know what you mean. Whatever great thing we desire to accomplish, it would be great if our ex would find out about it and be floored to the point of pursuing us/gradually working their way back into our lives. Yep, I've felt that before, just not about someone who's married. When someone is married I really choc it all up and try to pretend that that ex is dead or at least nothing to me. I was the dumper, so I'm sure my ex is now acting like I'm nothing to him...
Nickr3023 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 She's married to another guy. About a month or more now. I function, I go through stuff to help me recover, I am contemplating truly epic changes in my life. But somehow-- deep inside-- I feel like it has an agenda of somehow reaching her, compelling her. Somehow she will hear that I have done this, or said that, and be moved. It is utterly irrational. But it is what lives in my belly. Anyone experience similar? Of course it's irrational. That's what love does. Especially the wrong kind of love. Now that she's married, just do everything for yourself, not for her. Sorry it didn't work out, but just think, you're now preparing yourself for someone even better. Good luck.
Author K2z Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 There is no friendship scenario here, nothing. I genuinely will not see or speak to this woman again for the remainder of my life. I KNOW that. Yet in my belly... in the back of my mind... I want to reach her somehow. I want word of my fill-in-the-blank (suffering? heroic deeds? kindness and magnanimity?) to reach her via the grapevine, and still affect her life. And the lack of intel on how well or badly her life is going (I hope she regrets the hell out of the marriage) is a deafening silence. Put it all together and it is utterly maddening, and sad. Even though I function a bit better by the day. It truly is an amputation, or a death. I will only be human again to the extent I cauterize her completely from my mind. I wish there was a surgical procedure to burn her out. And it may be hyperbole-- but I honestly think I wish I had never met her in the first place. 1
Author K2z Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 What's setting in now is something I call "the mush." The bleeding is over, the heart palpitating panic is over. She is in permanent, lifelong no contact. I am forced to confront my every inadequacy and mediocrity in relative solitude... and it's not a pretty picture. All the while with the feeling. real or illusory, that she has ridden off to happily ever after in a Disney coach. 1
Captivating Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 (edited) K2z, I've read a couple of posts from you, I'm sorry that you have such hard time with this. I know what you feel now, one of my ex left me for another girl he married within 6 months we broke up. He rushed into it....I was over him in a year. Although he is still married because they have a kid and maybe out of convenience, he is miserable !! He actually wanted to get back with me twice, 7 and 13 years into his marriage. So, by the time she realizes that she rushed into things because of her ego-issues (feeling rejected by you) you might not be interested in getting back together with her. What you said : "It truly is an amputation, or a death. I will only be human again to the extent I cauterize her completely from my mind. I wish there was a surgical procedure to burn her out. And it may be hyperbole-- but I honestly think I wish I had never met her in the first place." I understand completely, we all wish this after a breakup. Erasing the memory so that we don't have to deal with and endure this seemingly never-ending pain. You say : " (I hope she regrets the hell out of the marriage)" YES !!! We, dumpees, think alike! Same thought processes. We feel rejected and wish they would regret their decisions one day and crawl back. Then the self-sabotaging thoughts that we are not good enough, the new person in their life is probably a much better fit, they are all smiles and having the time of their lives We do this to ourselves, our mind does. When it comes to your self proclaimed " inadequacy and mediocrity" What?? Please don't say that!! You are a highly intelligent really cool guy. Positive affirmations will work wonders. Keep your chin up. Happy new year !!! Watch this video, it's really cool ! Edited January 1, 2016 by Captivating 2
Author K2z Posted January 1, 2016 Author Posted January 1, 2016 When it comes to your self proclaimed " inadequacy and mediocrity" What?? Please don't say that!! You are a highly intelligent really cool guy. I say inadequacy and mediocrity not to beat myself up or elicit sympathy, but rather to highlight that this woman-- as well as the melodramatic absence of her, aka "wallowing"-- have been crutches that I've used to distract myself from fundamental problems of my existence. Career shortcomings, body issues, health issues, self-esteem issues, wealth and income issues. Now, the curtain is pulled back and I have no excuses or palliatives. You could call it a healthy cleansing, but it also sucks hard. 1
Sar112 Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I know exactly where you're coming from. It's like the whole posting pics on social media for them to see your 'amazing life' thing but on a whole other level... I wouldn't beat yourself up about it too much - I still felt like this about an ex even whilst I was with another guy who I completely adored. Unfortunately there will always be that thing of needing to win the competition of who can settle down faster/who can lead the 'happier life'. It's not unlike the feelings that develop amongst some friendship groups once you get to the age of wanting to settle down - absolutely ridiculous and completely illogical but a very common thing. I was only saying to my Mother tonight how I feel like just 'getting' another guy just so as to see what reaction it would provoke from my ex - not that I would just be able to 'do' that. Also, a break up can often mean your ex criticising/referring to certain traits about you that they found 'unattractive' at least in my experience - so again, this has made me want to go out and 'prove them wrong' in regards to anything they might have said. And I want them to SEE that they were wrong - I don't think that's uncommon. As long as what you are doing makes you happy, carry on doing it - so long as they are positive things and are of benefit to you.
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