Author elle naturelle Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 SamGirl: Are you still together? Engaged? What happened? MeSame (MOIMEME): I know A LOT about him. I know everywhere he has lived since birth, all of his colleagues at work where he has been for 6 years (boy was I the gossip the first time I went in there to say hi), met all of his friends an have regular weekend BBQ/pokers nights with them all (baseball tice a week, in wedding parties, etc) and yes, everyone loves him. He is truly amazing and I could never ask for a better man, and him a better woman. We are equal, caring and repectable from what I can tell. We have had experiences in the past that didnt work and talk about what happened, why and results. Now, we know what we want and will give that to one another. Both excellent points and comments. Please keep up the great insight.
Author elle naturelle Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 I was kidding. J'ai appris francaise en Suisse, et je suis Canadienne....
SamGirl Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Take it from one who knows. you know it one way. i know it another. we have different points of view, that's all. sure he could have been an abuser, but he wasn't. we could have been married for 2o years before he turned into one also. elle, sorry i should have mentioned this. he died almost 2 months ago. we would still be living together now, though, and nearly engaged. it's been hard, but people here have been helpful. my real life people have gone back to their lives and stuff and i still need to talk about it to fresh ears, i guess. this is why i say, seize the day. i said it once and i'll say it again. risks are in everything. go with your gut. good luck.
whynotme Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 I say go for it. My story, I moved in with my b/f after a month of being together, we are still going strong after almost 3 years (he is 47, I am 35) He is a wonderful man. I am sooo happy I took the chance after all the bs I have put up with in my 2 marriages I have found my price charming, We fart in front of each other,he respects me and my kids. Do what makes you and him happy,if it is meant to be it will work out no matter what, and remeber everybody has there own opinions on things,but do what you feel is right for you. GOOD LUCK.
Author elle naturelle Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 You seem very strong. He would be very proud. Thoughts are with you. Thank you for your honesty in this write up. I am going to go for. The more we all type, the happier I get. I love life...
SamGirl Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by elle naturelle You seem very strong. He would be very proud. Thoughts are with you. Thank you for your honesty in this write up. I am going to go for. The more we all type, the happier I get. I love life... well good for you. sometimes you just know. (sometimes you don't, and you should be careful!) but in this case, you seem to know what you want. no one can tell what to do or what not to do. i wish you the best of luck.
moimeme Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 he could have been an abuser, but he wasn't I realize this. The point I am trying, in vain apparently, to make is that had he been an abuser, moving in with him would have been a mistake. I'm glad he was a good guy and I'm sorry for your loss but you were lucky, many women aren't, and I think because of the latter it's wise to be cautious.
SexKitten Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 glad you made a decision. living with someone can be tough at times, but what in life isn't? good luck.
SamGirl Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme I realize this. The point I am trying, in vain apparently, to make is that had he been an abuser, moving in with him would have been a mistake. I'm glad he was a good guy and I'm sorry for your loss but you were lucky, many women aren't, and I think because of the latter it's wise to be cautious. your point is not in vain. i understand what you're saying. but i am saying that you can be as cautious as possible and still come across a problem. you can be reckless and be lucky. everything can go in any direction. i go with my gut. it's been good to me so far. thank you for your condolences.
scarlyjones Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme That's just the problem. Of course it 'feels right' now. The people who marry and then divorce married because it 'felt right' at the time (many of them, anyway). Your feelings are, in fact, the worst possible way to make judgements because your brain is all befuddled with chemicals that are created by love. That's why you need to wait until they start to simmer down so you can see what you're doing clearly. Or you can try to treat him with respect and expect the same back. I have a different set of requirements; you need to have travelled together, wallpapered or done some other sort of home project together, and gotten into and out of a fight together. In short, you need to see each other under less-than-ideal circumstances because seemingly sweet people can become very unpleasant sometimes and that's what you find out - does he? If he does, how does he behave? Do you get over things easily or is there grudge-holding and icy silences - or worse, violence? And men who won their wives over because they seemed wonderful have turned out to be much less than. This is an OUTSTANDING POINT!!!! : Nobody ever gets married on a losing streak. In other words.....we all feel that the stars and planets are aligned and all is right with the world when we fall in love ......thats where we get the phrase "Love is blind" But try and TELL someone in love that. Its like trying to get a teenager to invest in their 401K plan. Im sure "elle" will tell us that "Oh no,..not us,....we are different....none of you have ever felt the way WE feel" and thats fine. Only deep down,..you know we HAVE felt that way. Every person that has EVER been divorced will tell you that in their relationships heyday......if you asked them "hows your relationship?" ,...they would have told us "Great,....Im SOOO in love....we will be together forever" Nobody ever said "We're awful together,...terrible,....but we're getting married anyway because I WANT to get divorced soon" Im not saying your predictions about your relationship are wrong,....Im just saying what you know is true,.....and that is you MUST go into every relationship no matter how loving and caring and outstanding they may seem,...with utter caution.
Author elle naturelle Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 Your comment: Im sure "elle" will tell us that "Oh no,..not us,....we are different....none of you have ever felt the way WE feel" and thats fine. This is quite off the mark I think throughout this dicussion I have been very open to the comments and suggestions everyone has posted. In fact, at one point I reference that close friends, etc have what we have... therefore, many of you do too. Yes I think what I have is special. But so do those 80 year old still holding hands as they walk through the park... points that both he and I point out. We know things will be different. We know the "statistics". But I refuse to live my life based on a group of others failures. Positive mental attitude IS one of my many life mottos. And I will hold my head high moving forward with my equal partner regardless if its now or later. Our goal for moving in is to move forward with life "together" and begin to work through everything now rather than two years down the road. We are not 18 year olds or 22 year olds. I am an enducated, mature 26 year old and he is an experienced, well educated 33 year old. Both of us are willing to make the commitment to make this work... If we go in expected failure or having any doubts, than I would turn around. But that is not our case....
Treasa Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 For the record, those 80-year-olds are holding each other up, not being loving. If you want to do this, then go ahead, but keep in mind that things will likely not be as great as you imagined them to be. That's not to say they won't work out, but make sure you aren't wearing rose-colored glasses when you move in.
Jas Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Today on the phone from mature, educated 30 year old to his mature, educated 27 year old fiance: "This isn't going as perfectly as we had planned." This is month one of living together. People told me it would be different after moving in together and I didn't really believe them, because, like you two - we were always together, going back and forth between places. Well, turns out it is different...and I don't really know why. You said you've lived w/ someone before and I'm not saying your going to end up having the same problems, but I didn't predict things would start off so bumpy - so just be ready for anything. I think we've fought more the past few weeks than in past months combined. Thumbs down to that I really don't think either of us is to blame more than the other. Maybe it is just due to change, or jitters that this is actually happening. Anyone else have post-cohabitation stress that subsided after time??
moimeme Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 We are not 18 year olds or 22 year olds. I am an enducated (sic), mature 26 year old and he is an experienced, well educated 33 year old. And this is another popular conceit. Love makes you stupid no matter how old you are. I know folks much older who have done very dumb things, and they were, believe me, 'experienced'. AND educated. The fact is you can't beat biology. Love makes chemicals that affect your brain. Brain scans have been showing so - in fact there were several articles in the news this week about love's effects on the brain. So IMHO, the wise person takes into account that s/he may not be fully and totally rational while 'in love' and governs him or herself accordingly.
l2hvn Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 to each his own. what didn't work for other couples doesn't mean it won't work for you two... as with anything, proceed with caution. what's that saying? don't regret the things that you did. but instead regret the things that you didn't do. as cliche as it may be, it's true. life is too precious and too short to deny ourselves of happiness. i live in the moment, knowing that these things will be missed in the years ahead....
Treasa Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by l2hvn what's that saying? don't regret the things that you did. but instead regret the things that you didn't do. I don't think people are saying she shouldn't do it as much as maybe she should wait a bit longer. To be honest, the first six months of any relationship I've ever had were great. It's usually after the year mark that things start to fade a bit. I didn't get knocked up and drop out of school when I was 18, but I sure as hell will never regret that.
scarlyjones Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Its obvious you posted in here, not really for actual suggestions or answers,..but really for re-enforcement for the decision you HAVE ALREADY MADE. Your mind was made up. You werent going to listen to any posts of ours unless it said it was a good idea to move in. And yes,...it IS a good idea to go into relationships with doubts. You NEVER go into anything that effects your life so boldly without "doubt". Thats what keeps you safe. So,....what you are saying is either you have never heard of the phrase "love is blind" or you dont think it applies to you.
scarlyjones Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Oh and by the way,........not thinking it applies to you,...........is "love making you blind"
SexKitten Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 some of you are being very accusatory towards elle natural. it's not like she came here and said "my boyfriend is abusing me, but i want to move in with him anyway." so in her case, love is not making her blind. maybe it does make people more hopeful, forgiving, "blind", whatever... but she's not closing her eyes to an existing problem. i can understand saying "be cautious" but some of you seem like you have a personal vendetta against these people moving in together. and so what if she came here to reinforce her decision? i would hope nobody here would base an entire decision on strangers' opinions. she wanted feedback, she got it from both sides, and the ones she went against are acting like "fine, don't listen to me, but you're going to regret it and i am going to say i told you so." relax. say "be cautious, it's your life, good luck" and then move on if you don't agree with her. she seems to affecting several of you more than you are affecting her.
noname Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 i think maybe you should wait. moving in with someone is no joke. and it can have a very averse effect on an otherwise healthy relationship. i am not going to judge you at all and tell you you are not ready, but just be sure you guys are strong enough to be able to deal with whatever problems arise. merely moving in with a friend can have it's disadvantages because there is no place to go when they get on your nerves and when you add the love thing in there, every little quirk that your SO has is going to be ampified it has the ability to get in the way of relationship building. you will want a real strong foundation to build on first. so if you feel that that is something you can deal with... but if you have time to wait, do it. hopefully you are talking about renting an apartment. cuz 1 thing you should not do is buy property together unless you are absolutely sure!!!
Treasa Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by SexKitten say "be cautious, it's your life, good luck" That's pretty much my stance. It just always makes me nervous when a fairly new couple wants to go into a new venture and they claim that everything between them is soooo happy. I dunno. Something about Scott Peterson, ex relationships, etc.
Treasa Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by noname hopefully you are talking about renting an apartment. cuz 1 thing you should not do is buy property together unless you are absolutely sure!!! You ain't just whistlin' dixie. My boyfriend's friend recently bought a house with a guy she was dating for, well, about 8 months. About a month after buying the house, he confessed that he was gay. Now they live together, and she's miserable because he has male "friends" coming over and staying the night.
Author elle naturelle Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 You know. I started this post because I could not find anything on here that discussed it. Having said that, I want everyone to know that all points are taken. Another one of my mottos is Educate from Every Angle before Decision Making. You are all right.... - No one knows the future - No one knows the right or wrong thing to do - No one can decide for me But they way I see it, the more we talk about situations and potential mishps, the more we get to the heart of our true perpectives now, ideals we have, etc... to more realistic our planning will be. What do all of you think we should talk about? (we have alot, but repetition does not hurt) Also, we are renting for one year... then plan to buy... albiet everything... Keep postin... NOTES: 1) Love Making Me Blind ---- who me?! Seriously though, this is the real me and hopefully the real him... we can sit at breakfast and talk politics like colleagues, we can be more passionate than anything I have ever know, we can laugh and goof around like jerks, we can support through thick and thin... hopefully, this mean I am seeing more than being blind... seeing what a true companion is to me.... 2) Regrets ---- the only thing I am afraid of regretting is not taking the chance... everything else in my life just seems trivial compared to an opportunity to build a solid foundation for a longterm committment Thanks everyone...
april Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 Originally posted by elle naturelle We will be dating six months. We have made a long-term committment to one another. He is my best friend, my lover and my companion at all levels. We have a hard time going a day without seeing each other, even if it is just to be in the same room. It seems as though the only logical step is to move in. We will get married/engaged in the next couple of years. We have discussed children, buying a home, etc. Everything is amazing... an open, honest, communicative environment to foster a healthy relationship. I cannot imagine spending a night without him. We go back and forth every night. Just wondering about sonething - elle naturelle...how could this be possible? You posted only two and 1/2 months ago about how you finally gave up on the guy who was just using you for sex, and then you started dating this new guy. Originally posted by elle naturelle on Mar 22/2005 I told his to beat it and am now falling in love with someone who calls me, emails me, and desires to see me all the time... when our personal times and schedules permit. :confused:
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