elle naturelle Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Before I post my story, I would like people's views on... how long they think people should wait to move in together. All comments and stories are welcome.
Debster Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 I believe it will vary based on the age of the couple, their past experiences, status of their current relationship and their agreement on where they want to relationship to go.
Author elle naturelle Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 Here is the situation. We will be dating six months. We have made a long-term committment to one another. He is my best friend, my lover and my companion at all levels. We have a hard time going a day without seeing each other, even if it is just to be in the same room. It seems as though the only logical step is to move in. We will get married/engaged in the next couple of years. We have discussed children, buying a home, etc. Everything is amazing... an open, honest, communicative environment to foster a healthy relationship. We know it takes work. I cannot imagine spending a night without him. We go back and forth every night. Stories on peoples experiences would really help... both good and bad. Also, one of the bedrooms will be an office?! Does anyone see that as a greater challenge? Thoughts..
moimeme Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 I think you need a minimum of a year before you move in together. The first three months is about infatuation phase. Three to six months is still jolly though maybe a flaw or two appears. Between six months and a year, bigger flaws will start to become evident. If you make it to a year, it's a better possibility that there may be no major problems that will eventually split you.
Author elle naturelle Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 We have both been in relationships and lived with people. He is 33. I am 26. We have discussed and are in the process of discussing how we would address issues with changes, etc. We have also laid our our personal goals and expectations with and without each other. It feels like a must do step at this point...
Debster Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 AFter three months my husband and I talked about moving in together and did at five months. We got engaged at eight months and married at seventeen months. We both had our share of relationships beforehand (we are in our 30s) so we knew what we did and did not want. It just felt right. That was the choice we made, but this is a very personal choice that will depend on the couple.
Treasa Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 No, it's not a must do step at this point. No one's holding a gun to your head. Why the rush if you're so sure it's meant to be? For one thing, not being able to spend a day without each other seems kind of co-dependent to me. I have friends who were like this. Got divorced after they had a baby because they were so focused on each other, and he couldn't take it when she had to focus on the baby. If you can't spend even a day apart, what are you going to do if something happens to force time away from each other? I totally agree with moimeme on all her points. There's no rush. If you're truly meant to be together, there will be plenty of time.
Author elle naturelle Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 thank you for your honesty. i hear you. perhaps i make it seem like co-dependence in the terms i use but i must say that is not the case. i am an entrepreneur in several large projects that will require me to leave for 5-7 days at a time in the future. he is sucessful in his work and has a son who visits every second weekend (never married). we participate in many group sports and activities, family events, private activites together, as well as take time on our own with our friends, etc. also, you are right. it is not a MUST DO thing. it is just what feels so right at this time for both of us... i will be making a list of topics to ensure we discuss everything before we make the final decision. as of late, July 31st will be the day. keep the thinking flowing... i am in no rush...
Treasa Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 It's good to see that you aren't reacting defensively. I think that shows that you have a cool head on your shoulders, which will bode well for your relationship. Ultimately the decision is yours, but I would still advise waiting longer. Move in during the fall when the weather cools down a bit and packing won't seem so annoying.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 What are his thoughts on the subject of moving in together? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I suspect he isn't as keen on the idea as you, otherwise why would you be asking us?
scarlyjones Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 I'd say a year is good. Two is better. But one year atleast. You need to, at the BARE MINIMUM, atleast get past that initial "on-your-best-behavior-act" part of the beginning. Get to the point where you are both acting the way you really act,...that way,...by that time you will have seen eachothers little quirks and know if they are a deal breaker or not.
Author elle naturelle Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 In fact, he bought it up with me when I was discussing changes in my living arrangement taking place over the next few months. He said "why dont we just move in together?! Want to?" I had thoguht about it but was in no rush. Pressuring people or pushing something into something is not my idea of a good relationship. But when he openned up about his thoughts, we came to the same conclusion. He is already planning each room and stuff. I am asking you just to discuss peoples situations, learn, get outside input in case I overlook something. From all of the stories from our married with children friends, they too moved quickly because it felt right. They are all very happy, healthy relationships (as far as you or I would know).... We have both discussed this with a few close friends, all of which said they couldnt see it any other way for us either. Please, feel free to keep making blunt open statements on thoughts... I like to put it all out there.
Author elle naturelle Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 Its funny you mention that... we openly discuss quirks, etc... ways we are different, ways we are the same ... how to address things that come up, etc... I love this guy and am in love with this guy, for all his perfections and imperfections... though in the end, his imperfections seem perfect to me. OK, but seriously... good points...
l2hvn Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 if it feels right, then go ahead. nobody should tell you otherwise. only you two know what feels right.
Author elle naturelle Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 Im ready and excited and committed. Its feels odd even questionning otherwise. Life has never been so complete.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by scarlyjones ... Get to the point where you are both acting the way you really act,...that way,...by that time you will have seen eachothers little quirks and know if they are a deal breaker or not. In other words, you're ready to move in together if: -you can fart with the other still in the room (or his kids) -you both laugh when the other belches real loud and only the two of you hear -either of you can have a pee while the other is brushing their teeth -he doesn't mind sex during your period -he will buy everything on your grocery list including tampons um...how else do u describe true love?
l2hvn Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 In other words, you're ready to move in together if: -you can fart with the other still in the room (or his kids) -you both laugh when the other belches real loud and only the two of you hear -either of you can have a pee while the other is brushing their teeth -he doesn't mind sex during your period -he will buy everything on your grocery list including tampons um...how else do u describe true love? haha... my bf and i do these all the time.... ALL OF IT! he's not embarrased to run into some gas station to get me some tampons in the middle of the night.... i guess we should move in together as well!
l2hvn Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by elle naturelle TRUE LOVE! = ) isn't it great????
Author elle naturelle Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 Everything from respect to passion to .... Words cannot decribe. Like Jerry McGuire, "[he] complete me".
moimeme Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 if it feels right, then go ahead. nobody should tell you otherwise. only you two know what feels right. That's just the problem. Of course it 'feels right' now. The people who marry and then divorce married because it 'felt right' at the time (many of them, anyway). Your feelings are, in fact, the worst possible way to make judgements because your brain is all befuddled with chemicals that are created by love. That's why you need to wait until they start to simmer down so you can see what you're doing clearly. In other words, you're ready to move in together if: -you can fart with the other still in the room (or his kids) -you both laugh when the other belches real loud and only the two of you hear -either of you can have a pee while the other is brushing their teeth -he doesn't mind sex during your period -he will buy everything on your grocery list including tampons Or you can try to treat him with respect and expect the same back. I have a different set of requirements; you need to have travelled together, wallpapered or done some other sort of home project together, and gotten into and out of a fight together. In short, you need to see each other under less-than-ideal circumstances because seemingly sweet people can become very unpleasant sometimes and that's what you find out - does he? If he does, how does he behave? Do you get over things easily or is there grudge-holding and icy silences - or worse, violence? And men who won their wives over because they seemed wonderful have turned out to be much less than.
sweetadeline Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme I have a different set of requirements; you need to have travelled together, wallpapered or done some other sort of home project together, and gotten into and out of a fight together. Seeing how the other person reacts when you're sick and/or injured is also crucial. Does h/she resent you for suddenly not being fun? Withdraw because he can't cope with vulnerability? Or does he try to help you when you're not able to help yourself?
SamGirl Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 i lived with my boyfriend after 3 months of being together. we had no problems, at least nothing catastrophic. no relationship is completely problem free. we lived together for almost 3 years. we were very happy, and moving in together was the best decision we collectively made. people do get married and divorced--of course they felt it was right at the time, or they wouldn't have married. you can't predict the future, whether it's marriage or living together. i say go for it. you're both happy, you know what you want. share this time and this experience together before it's too late. if this is what you feel is right, do it. life is too short to risk happiness by avoiding potential mistakes. if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. one moves out, you both move out, big deal. you figure it out, just like everything else in life. sure, it may not be pleasant, but what if you got married, THEN lived together, had children, and decided it didn't work out then? i personally would rather know what it's like to live with someone before i married them. in my case, it would have worked out as planned. nothing comes without risk. if you're doing this in the midst of happiness, do it. it can always be undone. hang on to the love you've got, because you have no idea what life is like without it when your whole world is ripped out from underneath you.
Author elle naturelle Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 We have been very active together, a long camping trip, cared for each other during injury (pulled hamstring), sadness (death in the family), son's mom stress (with great open results), and much more. We openly discuss everything. We support each other in every sense of the word. But we both agreed that time does tell. But does that mean you cannot live together? We are willing to make the commitment and know that things take effort. We are each others priority. My idea was also to address everything from cleaning to finances to cooking to activities to personal time when living together beforehand. I want to get everything out in the open and do this right... =)
moimeme Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 lived with my boyfriend after 3 months of being together. And you're lucky because he didn't turn out to be an abuser or anything worse. The point is that you don't know the bad stuff unless you've given it time to come out. Had he been one of those sorts, you would have greatly regretted moving in together so soon. Take it from one who knows. If a man is good and worthy, he will remain so for 3 months, 6 months, a year, and 10 years. However if you've found yourself someone who is an abuser, addict, or con man, he can pretend very successfully for several months that he's Mr. Wonderful, which is why you need time and circumstances to make sure he's OK in every way. You'll find hundreds of stories about people who moved together very quickly and were fine - and that's grand. However you don't want to find yourself in the other sort of story where someone moves in only to find she's got BIG trouble. Elle how much do you know about him? Has he lived in your city a long time? Has he worked at his place of employment a long time? Does he have a lot of friends that you've met and who seem to think very well of him? Does his family respect and like him? The chances are a little better that he's a safe bet if the above-mentioned things are present. OTOH, if he's the Harlequin Romance kind of guy with no friends or family who has just appeared mysteriously in your town at some point, I'd be much more cautious.
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