GIGS and batting for the other team after LDR?

[Carl Carlson]

Hey guys and gals,

 

I’m a new member but I’ve come to visit this site quite often lately as it has been very helpful. Sorry in advance for the long post, but I think the complexity of my situation needs detailed explanation. I’d appreciate your thoughts about it.

 

First of all, my ex-girlfriend and I (both mid-20s) have been together for almost 8 years. The relationship wasn’t perfect, we had ups and downs, but after all (especially during the last two or three years) we were happy and would create a deep bond during our time together.

 

After almost 7 years, she received a scholarship to study a year abroad. For the last two months of that time she was planning on travelling across south-eastern Asia, as this was a once-in-a-lifetime chance to do so. I couldn’t join her due to financial reasons, so a mutual (female) friend would join her instead.

 

We managed to keep up the spark during the LDR. Everything seemed like we would make it, we skyped a lot and assured each other that our love was bigger than ever. I only got to visit her once for a whole month, and we had the best time of our lives (her words!).

 

In the summer, she started going on that trip with the friend, just as planned. I could tell that they had a major blast, and I was happy for her. I got a little envious though, as they experienced a lot of stuff that we once said wanted to do together someday (parachuting, canyoning, diving, ...). Our contact remained as affectionate and full of anticipation as ever.

 

 

But a few weeks before she came home, she confessed that she cheated on me with a guy she met. She apologized a thousand times and expressed her regrets and her love for me. Needless to say, I became super-mad at her. I was so hurt and disappointed, especially since it was so close to her homecoming. I couldn’t look forward to it anymore, but she kept texting me how sorry she was and how much she believed in working things out.

 

When she came home, we argued for 3 days straight. She said that she wanted to go abroad again next year. I asked her to put her plans aside, because although I knew I would forgive her eventually, I wasn’t sure if I could trust her enough to let her go again. So I made a big mistake and asked her to make a decision. Either she’d wait a few years until I finished my studies and saved enough money so we could both go abroad together, or she’d give up everything we have to pursue her plans all by herself. I asked her not to rush this decision, as we might eventually find a compromise. Besides, I suggested we should work on our other issues first. Those issues were my insecurities/trust-issues and especially her re-entry culture shock (a condition not to underestimate). This made her feel like a stranger at home, she became “anti-homesick”. To me, it seemed like this was the real reason why she needed to go abroad again so quickly – she’d refuse to settle back in at home and face everyday life. As if she couldn’t wait to run away from the problems at home and escape to the exciting adventures of being abroad.

 

After that, she became distant and numb towards me. Although I came up with a compromise, she broke up with me a week later. She said that her urge to go abroad was just too huge and that her feelings for me have decreased to a level of “not enough anymore”. When I asked her why kept telling me how much she loved me and believed in working things out, she replied she seems to have “suppressed that fact” during her trip and couldn’t tell when she started falling out of love with me. I begged her back for a week, obviously without success (though a friend of hers later told me that the compromise I suggested almost changed her mind). Then I started reading “ex-back” articles and went NC.

 

Bear with me, because here’s where it gets crazy: Two weeks after the breakup (1 week NC), our mutual female friend whom she was travelling with texted me. She told me to get over her ASAP and leave her alone as THEY are dating now. WHAT? She’s dating already? A WOMAN?! I freaked out and confronted my ex-girlfriend about it. She admitted having feelings for her, and that this was just as confusing to her as it was for me. I was so shocked and had a million questions with no satisfying answers from her side. I started begging again for a few days to “come to senses” and give us another try. The situation was just too weird for me, as she never told me about her bisexuality. But she assured me that this was not the reason for breaking up, and she “surprisingly” discovered those feelings in the days after. Of course I wouldn’t believe that, but she keeps telling her friends the same.

 

On top of that, her new spouse denied sending me that text. Instead, she accused me of faking that message somehow (I sent a screenshot to my ex-girlfriend), and that I was some sort of stalker or something. I only now realized that this woman had tried to pull my ex away from me in the past already, and also acitvely urged her to decide against me. (FYI this woman was in a heterosexual relationship, but he cheated on her while she was gone for the trip, and she broke up with him around the same time my ex broke up with me)

 

I tried to reconcile by re-establishing friendship first. By doing so, I found out that their relationship is moving super-fast. The already moved in together, are planning vacations, etc. I felt like I was “running out of time” and started to beg her back again. She was just as firm about her decision as ever, saying that she “changed too much to go back to her old life”. I didn’t know what to respond and re-initiated NC, only this time as a tool to heal. This was in the beginning of December, exactly 2 months post-breakup.

 

On Christmas Eve, she texted me so wish me happy Holidays, and once more stressed out how sorry she was for hurting me, and how she wished things wouldn’t have ended this way. She also asked me to text her from time to time to see how I’m doing. I responded with a simple “Happy Holidays”.

 

 

tl;dr: Girlfriend of 8 years goes abroad for a year, only to radically change, switch sides and date a woman immediately after coming home.

 

 

Can anyone help me understand what’s going on? Has someone ever experienced (or heard) about a similar situation? I’m trying hard to accept the situation and heal during NC, but 3 months after the breakup it’s still so confusing to me. I do understand that many relationships fall apart because of long distance, but it seemed like we would really make it. Could this be related to GIGS? On one hand, she’s definitely showing some of the symptoms (her age, 180 and experiencing the world [but starting to do so before breaking up], no time to grieve, quickly entering something new and unexpected), but on the other hand, some of those symptoms aren’t shown (wishy-washiness during the breakup, although she didn’t give me the whole picture).

 

I’m not asking for advice on how to win her back or anything. I’m not even sure if I’d take her back anyway (although the idea of her crawling back would be nice, so any tips to make her do so are welcome as well). I’m just looking for someone else’s opinion on this to help me cope and understand this situation.

 

Thanks and cheers!

[buddha84]

I'm no longer on board with GIGS. The reason is that it seems to excuse the persons behavior and makes the person who has been left feeling like it's just a "phase" and they might or might not come back. She cheated on you man - I know it's hard. My ex cheated on me while we were living together after 4 years - only she wasn't so honest about it. I had to find out from a friend that she had been dating a guy at work for around 3 months while we were still together. I was devastated and believed it was GIGS. I kept thinking "she will suddenly come to her senses and get out of this phase". Then I realized that I was treated ****ty, disrespected, and that I deserve better. It'll take time, but start looking forward and let the past die. Every ending is a new beginning. Drop her drama - she'll never respect you if you guys are together because she cheated on you. You have to have standards, and one of those standards should be "no cheating". Once someone cheats on you, unless you are a swinger and in an open relationship, you need to start healing and go no contact. This is the only way you will gain back your self-respect and meet new people.

Edited December 30, 2015 by buddha84

[Carl Carlson]

I do believe in GIGS, because you can find lots of stories of people experiencing it themselves. However, I think that this syndrome is far less common than many people here think. It's giving a lot of people false hope, and it sounds too good to be true. A broken heart will grab at any straw, no mattter how hopeless the situation seems. I'm doing my best to use NC to heal and suppress any upcoming hopes and "what-if"-scenarios.

 

As for the cheating: You're right about the losing-respect-thing. But I know from my own experience that this can be fixed - depending on if the cheater truely regrets it. I cheated on my previous girlfriend once, and I was crushed by my own guilt. When I confessed, she did the right thing to do in this situation: she made me work for it, and she made me know why. It took time to regain her trust, and in that time she regained my respect. After that, it has never been an issue to our relationship anymore. Things eventually ended du to other reasons. But if the cheater doesn't regret what he/she did - or worse, keeps the affair ongoing or falls in love with this other person - there's no way to fix that.

[PegNosePete]

I do believe in GIGS, because you can find lots of stories of people experiencing it themselves.

Why do people talk about GIGS as though it's Santa Claus or something, whether you "believe" in it or not? It's not something you can either believe or disbelieve. It's a description of a certain behavioural pattern. It describes the behaviour of someone who leaves or cheats because they think they will be happier, better off or have a higher quality of life with someone else. There can be no doubt that many, many people behave this way. It's not possible to "disbelieve" in GIGS because it's simply a description of a very common behaviour.

 

However, I think that this syndrome is far less common than many people here think. It's giving a lot of people false hope

That's because people misunderstand what it actually means. They think it's some kind of disease or disorder that you can catch, like the flu. The S in the name may be partially responsible for that, a "syndrome" suggests it's something like a disease that can be cured, rather than a description of a behavioral pattern. If you actually understand what it truly means then it doesn't give any false hope. It simply means you got dumped because your ex thought they had a better option (whether it's true or not). How does that give false hope?

 

Your best option here is NC. I'm sorry to say bluntly that she simply decided she didn't want to be with you any more. There's really nothing you can do about that, and analysing it further won't help you. You need to try to move on with your life. Keep busy, take up new activities, get in shape, do some awesome things with your life! You are single now and the world is your oyster.

[Carl Carlson]

Thanks PegNosePete, haven't thought about it that way yet. I chose to write "believe" because many people in this forum seem to argue wheter or not this behavioural pattern actually exists.

 

If you actually understand what it truly means then it doesn't give any false hope. It simply means you got dumped because your ex thought they had a better option (whether it's true or not). How does that give false hope?

 

Being dumped for an option they think might be better does not give false hope. It's the prospect that she might come to her senses, and she might come crawling back that gives you false hope. "Hey, it has happend to many other people before, so it can (and will) happen to me too!" You can't choose to stop coming up with false hope, just like you can't choose to fall in or out of love. I think it's a normal part of the healing process. Sure, the sooner you accept reality for what it is and move on with your life, the sooner you will feel better. But that's easier said than done.

Edited December 30, 2015 by Carl Carlson

[PegNosePete]

many people in this forum seem to argue wheter or not this behavioural pattern actually exists.

I don't think it can really be argued that it doesn't exist. There's no doubt that many people leave or cheat because they think they have a better option. To suggest that nobody ever does that, seems rather illogical. I think people who argue that it doesn't exist, don't really understand what it actually means, and think it's like some kind of communicable disease.

 

It's the prospect that she might come to her senses, and she might come crawling back that gives you false hope. "Hey, it has happend to many other people before, so it can (and will) happen to me too!"

Well, yeah. Sometimes people come crawling back if they find out the other option was worse, and sometimes they don't. But whether you apply a certain label (such as "GIGS") to your situation doesn't make it any more or less likely.

 

You can't choose to stop coming up with false hope

Of course you can False hope is generated entirely in the brain. Yes, it's easier said than done. But that doesn't mean it's impossible.

[Carl Carlson]

whether you apply a certain label (such as "GIGS") to your situation doesn't make it any more or less likely.

 

100% agree. Some come crawling back on their knees, some regret it but still won't come back, and some are perfectly happy with their desicion to leave. I've seen it all happen. It doesn't matter if you call it GIGS, quarter life crisis, a phase, or whatever. People forget that every person and every situation is different. We can only compare them to others, and that's where the labeling starts. We try to understand (and fix) things by learning from similar events in the past.

 

I think that the more "why's" remain unanswered, the harder it is to find closure. Our exes can't or won't give us satisfying answers. We try to comprehend the reasons for breaking up, but refuse to accept "falling out of love/for someone else" as a valid reason.

 

This is actually the reason why I started this Thread:

 

Can anyone help me understand what’s going on? Has someone ever experienced (or heard) about a similar situation? I’m trying hard to accept the situation and heal during NC, but 3 months after the breakup it’s still so confusing to me.

 

I'm looking for someone else's opinion about it, preferrably with similar experience (whether as dumper, dumpee, "new person", bystander,...). I'm not looking for advice to get her back or something. I'm in NC, it hurts, but I'm healing.

[NVO]

She cheated. She left you. She found someone new.

 

 

That's three reasons to stop begging and pleading, regain some self-respect, leave the girl alone and start healing because you are a mess. And you have good reasons to be a mess, so don't feel crappy about it.

 

 

You'll get there.

[jen1447]

I don't think it can really be argued that it doesn't exist. There's no doubt that many people leave or cheat because they think they have a better option. To suggest that nobody ever does that, seems rather illogical. I think people who argue that it doesn't exist, don't really understand what it actually means, and think it's like some kind of communicable disease.

 

I think the confusion comes from the fact that it's often delusional behavior. Someone gets a pie-in-the-sky notion in their head about what it's like on the other side of the rainbow, and then when it proves untrue the delusion may break and they'll come to their senses. That's where the hope comes from too.

 

I agree there's no debating the phenomenon's existence.

 

OP, I can offer some insight on the girl-girl thing ....I don't speak for your ex but a lot of times when a woman 'discovers' her bisexuality (and for some it really is a surprise due to it being suppressed all their lives), it can really be a life-changing thing. Imagine the normal heroin high of falling in love but with an exciting new twist like a shot of X at the same time. (I don't do drugs lol.)

 

There's a reason the recently discarded are often treated like garbage, and that's bc the one who moved on is in the middle of a whirlwind of excitement and newness, and that's only compounded by a woman's first same sex experience. The ex becomes dehumanized and devalued and insignificant simply by default when there's this thrilling new thing to explore and discover on a daily basis.

[Carl Carlson]

She cheated. She left you. She found someone new.

 

 

That's three reasons to stop begging and pleading, regain some self-respect, leave the girl alone and start healing because you are a mess. And you have good reasons to be a mess, so don't feel crappy about it.

 

 

You'll get there.

 

 

Thank you. As much as it hurts, I really needed to hear that!

 

 

 

OP, I can offer some insight on the girl-girl thing ....I don't speak for your ex but a lot of times when a woman 'discovers' her bisexuality (and for some it really is a surprise due to it being suppressed all their lives), it can really be a life-changing thing. Imagine the normal heroin high of falling in love but with an exciting new twist like a shot of X at the same time. (I don't do drugs lol.)

 

There's a reason the recently discarded are often treated like garbage, and that's bc the one who moved on is in the middle of a whirlwind of excitement and newness, and that's only compounded by a woman's first same sex experience. The ex becomes dehumanized and devalued and insignificant simply by default when there's this thrilling new thing to explore and discover on a daily basis.

 

Thanks, that's very insightful (although painful to hear, too) .. If that's the case for her, I guess I should be happy for her. But then again, no, I shouldn't. She treated me like garbage.

I'm assuming you're speaking out of your own experience? If so, how did things run their course?

[jen1447]

I'm assuming you're speaking out of your own experience? If so, how did things run their course?

 

Well I'm a converter so what I see is what other women experience. Things can work out any number of ways depending on how bi they really are (most women's sexuality is fluid and varies like on a scale as opposed to being an a/b type thing w/guys) as well as her life circumstances and all that.

 

My own experience wasn't to be converted but just to figure out I liked women. (Actually I always knew, it was just a matter of integrating that into my psyche.) The result has been a lifetime of happy bisexuality that favors the girl side.

 

btw yes she did treat you like garbage. Being excited about a new thing doesn't give anyone the moral authority or privilege to s**t on anyone else's humanity.

[Carl Carlson]

Things can work out any number of ways depending on how bi they really are (most women's sexuality is fluid and varies like on a scale as opposed to being an a/b type thing w/guys) as well as her life circumstances and all that.

 

I have no idea how bi my ex really is (feels weird to think you know someone in and out for 8 years and then you don't...). But i think in the long run, she'll eventually settle back to men eventually. She always wanted to get married and have her own kids, especially the latter. I dare say to know her well enough that sooner or later, her urge to have kids will kick in again. I've read several stories about that, too (although they didn't go back to their ex, obviously). Of course, there are enough stories of other women who'd never go back to straight relationships again. After all, I think chances for her crawling back are just the same as if she was straight. The whirlwind of exciteness won't last forever - it depends on what happens next.

 

 

My own experience wasn't to be converted but just to figure out I liked women. (Actually I always knew, it was just a matter of integrating that into my psyche.) The result has been a lifetime of happy bisexuality that favors the girl side.

 

Glad to hear that! Far better than breaking someones heart the way my ex did

 

 

btw yes she did treat you like garbage. Being excited about a new thing doesn't give anyone the moral authority or privilege to s**t on anyone else's humanity.

 

The longer I'm grieving, the longer I think this is the real reason why I'd want her to come crawling back. The thing is, she has never been dumped in her whole life (she had a short-term boyfriend before me whom she dumped because she quickly realized that they're no match). During the time I was begging her back, she had the nerve to say "I understand your situation, I know how you feel". No, she doesn't. She never had to learn this major life lession. Her crawling back would turn the tables from duper to dupee, and then she'd realize that this is not the way how you treat people.