joystickd Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 STDs is a separate issue. If someone has concerns about STDs they have a right to ask their partner to be tested before they become sexually active with them. And it's not "hiding the fact" for something that you have no right to know in the first place. What people do in the privacy of their own bedroom is their own private business and no one else is entitled to that information. We all have morbid curiosities and we all want information so we can pass judgment on others, but that does not mean we have an actual legitimate right to know what they have done in bed in the past. And it does not mean that anyone is under any obligation in any way shape or form to disclose their personal business to us. You may want to know what all someone has done in the past but that doesn't mean you have any right to that information and it doesn't mean that they have any obligation or any legitimate reason to disclose it to you. If you are in a relationship with someone then they need to know. The past always has a way of showing up. It's better you say it than them hearing it from someone else. The problem now is we pick and choose and create this idealized image we want to portray to a potential partner. Then the issues arise because of the realistic image. I'll say in my relationship my partner knew everything about me. She knew about my past with people wanting to kill me and the sexual things too because I couldn't hide them. People we both knew would have told her at some point. Plus we both met at work and before her I did quite a few sexual acts on the job so I couldn't hide it. I explained it and showed that I wanted a relationship. I demonstrated growth from those situations and I don't regret them because it was a learning experience. The thing about me is that I never really cared whether people judged me or not. Hell they are not paying my bills, putting food on my table, or clothes on my back so why does it matters. The other big thing about revealing it is that it shows you the people that will really accept you. Friendship and love is acceptance and if a person can't accept you for you then they will never grow to love you. If this person found out about your past years later and left you then the question would be did they really love you.
Timshel Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 If man hid his past would it be a problem for you women. How would you feel if a man was with you and hid the fact he in his past had sex with other men and women possibly had STIs? Taking care of one's personal hygiene, whether a ONS or a LTR, must occur. In almost 2016, there is no excuse to be sloppy with birth control or STDs. Being a responsible sexual person assumed, a person's sexual history need not become a topic of conversation until or unless future planning and genuine intimacy is established. It pains me a little to concede this since I am old school and would never advocate sex outside of an exclusive and love relationship. That said, I get that everyone does not agree and if all parties involved are being responsible, it's none of my business. I don't think OP has any obligation to share her past beyond STD's. I do think that when she meets a person for life partnership, one of the ways she will know they are the 'right' person is that she is able to disclose all of herself with comfort and ease. I will stand by that...forever.
VeveCakes Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 No one can prove it's you. You could easily brush it off that you are mistaken for that person a lot. Honestly, I would not bring it up unless that is something YOU feel YOU need to do. I doubt it would ever come up on it's own. 2
jen1447 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 The replies are interesting and what I feared. If I dated half the people here they would want to know. If I dated the other half I should keep it a secret. This is exactly why your decision needs to cater to your needs and not the needs of your target audience (or what other ppl are telling you you'd do if you were them). And you've already clearly stated what your concerns and sensibilities are, so the decision should be easy. Like you said, it may take time, but the built-in screening process that comes w/disclosure will actually serve you well in terms of weeding out incompatibility. Good luck! 1
central Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 If someone asks, I'd tell them that you've had past partners and experiences, and you've done some things you're not proud of but have moved on. Beyond that, it's none of their business. If they insist on knowing, tell them to find someone else as you have no intention of saying more. They accept you as you are now, or not at all. The only exception may be if your past could come back to affect you or them in the future. Then you may want to only tell them enough so they can decide if they will take that chance.
joystickd Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 This is exactly why your decision needs to cater to your needs and not the needs of your target audience (or what other ppl are telling you you'd do if you were them). And you've already clearly stated what your concerns and sensibilities are, so the decision should be easy. Like you said, it may take time, but the built-in screening process that comes w/disclosure will actually serve you well in terms of weeding out incompatibility. Good luck! I am for disclosure because it weeds out people. I know for me I had a really bad experience with a woman. My very first ever date with a woman was someone I later found out had been and occasionally prostituted herself. I heard this from someone else and it was confirmed to be true. The problem was we talked all the time and the attraction and interest grew between us. I liked who I thought she was and not who she really was. If I had know that she did that I could have had a more accurate image of who she was. I felt deceived because she portrayed herself a certain way and that wasn't who she was. The thing was had I heard it from her instead of guys i knew I would have felt differently about the situation.
Timshel Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I am for disclosure because it weeds out people. I know for me I had a really bad experience with a woman. My very first ever date with a woman was someone I later found out had been and occasionally prostituted herself. I heard this from someone else and it was confirmed to be true. The problem was we talked all the time and the attraction and interest grew between us. I liked who I thought she was and not who she really was. If I had know that she did that I could have had a more accurate image of who she was. I felt deceived because she portrayed herself a certain way and that wasn't who she was. The thing was had I heard it from her instead of guys i knew I would have felt differently about the situation. I have to agree joystickd. I guess that men now have to consider this....with OLD and having sex with people casually. Women do as well, I think....consider how many people a man has had sex with and equal ramifications. ]If you are in a relationship with someone then they need to know. The past always has a way of showing up. It's better you say it than them hearing it from someone else.[/b] The problem now is we pick and choose and create this idealized image we want to portray to a potential partner. Then the issues arise because of the realistic image. I'll say in my relationship my partner knew everything about me. She knew about my past with people wanting to kill me and the sexual things too because I couldn't hide them. People we both knew would have told her at some point. Plus we both met at work and before her I did quite a few sexual acts on the job so I couldn't hide it. I explained it and showed that I wanted a relationship. I demonstrated growth from those situations and I don't regret them because it was a learning experience. True but you are projecting your own experience onto the OP. The thing about me is that I never really cared whether people judged me or not. Hell they are not paying my bills, putting food on my table, or clothes on my back so why does it matters. The other big thing about revealing it is that it shows you the people that will really accept you. Friendship and love is acceptance and if a person can't accept you for you then they will never grow to love you. If this person found out about your past years later and left you then the question would be did they really love you. Also true. Not every person you meet will be your cup of tea or vise-versa. It can be a weeding process, as Jen and yourself have pointed out. It may also be something that does not need to be regurgitated with every some one who ends up being no one.....who now has this info, who should really not. Side...I am super bad at the multi quote response. Juuust putting that out there.
joystickd Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I have to agree joystickd. I guess that men now have to consider this....with OLD and having sex with people casually. Women do as well, I think....consider how many people a man has had sex with and equal ramifications. Also true. Not every person you meet will be your cup of tea or vise-versa. It can be a weeding process, as Jen and yourself have pointed out. It may also be something that does not need to be regurgitated with every some one who ends up being no one.....who now has this info, who should really not. Side...I am super bad at the multi quote response. Juuust putting that out there. I'll say it like this you go get surgery you want to know everything involved so you can make an informed consent to the surgery. If you are seeing this person as a potential life partner then you need to make an informed decision on them.
Timshel Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I'll say it like this you go get surgery you want to know everything involved so you can make an informed consent to the surgery. If you are seeing this person as a potential life partner then you need to make an informed decision on them. Bolded makes complete sense.
jen1447 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 The significance of the disclosure varies w/the nature of the info too. Like in OP's case it's pretty significant, where w/say someone who doesn't want to reveal that they've had 10 partners instead of 8 it's not so much.
pureinheart Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I'll say it like this you go get surgery you want to know everything involved so you can make an informed consent to the surgery. If you are seeing this person as a potential life partner then you need to make an informed decision on them. JS, don't trip out (lol), although I agree with everything you've said in this thread- I am a person of full disclosure and I think OP goes towards that also lest they would not have asked this question in the first place. IMO, even if it's not a life partner, they deserve the truth. If someone is going to roll, they will roll and if some truth about my past will make that happen sooner then more power to them.
Poutrew Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 You need to reveal, unfortunately. You don't want your future hubby asking why you were included on an internet retrospective of porn. Same way, how would you deal with your 12 year old son, cruising the internet porn alleyways, to accidentally come across your old porn videos with his pals. Then the friends parents get curious as to why the boys are glued to the computer giggling hysterically... then all hell will break loose. Not too long ago, there was a guy posting about how he came across old polaroid pics of his wife engaging in group sex acts during her college years with the many members of a black fraternity. He was bothered by the fact she never does the things he saw her doing in the pictures to him, and that she lied about her past,, misrepresenting herself as a sexual neophyte who only had a few boyfriends, but never did anything nefarious. We never knew how it turned out for him because he never followed up with the results of confrontation...the post was abandoned. You do not want to be in that woman's place, where, after a dozen years to build up a life with a man, to see it all slip away when he plays the old video of you he found online on the TV and starts asking you about how deep the lies in the marriage really are...
compulsivedancer Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 My boyfriend an I both have things we aren't proud of in our pasts. We waited a couple months to talk about it, but eventually did, without going into a lot of detail. As time goes on, more detail comes up, but neither of us press hard for it. I would wait until you're starting to build a relationship (give it a few months, not on date 5). Tell him basically what you said in the first post: When I was younger, I did a lot of things that I am not proud of, many at my boyfriend's request. I do not wish to repeat these things, and I don't want to go into a lot of detail about them, but I need you to know about them because some men might consider it a deal breaker. Tell him the broad details but don't go into specifics. Make sure he knows about the videos, as this might be a bigger problem than doing something kinky. If he asks you whether you've participated in or are interested in a particular act, tell the truth, (eg, "I've done it, but I'm not interested in doing it again"), but don't tell the story or go into a lot of detail about it. Also, it might be worth seeing if you can get the videos taken down, or if not, make sure they aren't searchable using your real name (unless you've already done this, naturally). 3
compulsivedancer Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 You should eventually be comfortable sharing your past, because that's how you have true intimacy. Before you consider when you should tell a partner, you need to be sure yourself that you've worked through the issues from your past. If you still feel ashamed or it or like it's a dirty secret, you should keep working on yourself. You being comfortable with your past will go a long way toward your partner being comfortable with it. You've done the extremes and found out why those don't work. I suggest you do something more in the middle. Within the first several months, be honest about having a sexual past you regret but that you've moved on from. (Do this during a regular get-to-know-you conversation. Don't sit him down and be all "I have something to confess".) Non-understanding men could be scared away by just that bit of info and immediately eliminate themselves as compatible options. Some men might want full details up front, and you can decide on a case by case basis if you want to tell them or just pass on them. (If you get a judgemental/freaked out vibe, pass. If you get a pervy vide, pass. If you get an understanding and just curious vibe, you might tell him.) If they want to know more and you don't want to spill everything, you could even just ask them to tell you which things they *wouldn't* be ok with and you can confirm or deny to put them at ease. (For example, a guy might want make sure you weren't a prostitute, but anything other than that, he's fine with.) Men who might be compatible with you will understand that those are very personal details and let you reveal them as you feel comfortable. They'll see you for who you are now, not what you did in the past. Good advice.
road Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Advice given from the old to the young 40 years ago was never to do something that you would not want revealed on the front of the daily newspaper. In your case what you did can not be undone. People have done things when young that they do not want anyone to now find out. Some have gotten away with not being found out and some have been caught. I can not give you odds what your chances would be of getting away from not being caught. 40 years ago we were also told not to talk about your past or ask about her past. All it would do was to create mind movies and jealousy issues ruining your new relationship. Her past was not important, her ex was just that an ex, she chose you, you had her now to yourself she was yours now and yours forever. Don't ask your BF/dates about their past relationships. They mention a past relationship just steer the conversation away from that. Deflect questions when they ask you about your past with there is no point to talk about old BF's. They are ex's because I do not want them in my life. I do not think about the past and no need to. Then quickly change the subject.
MissBee Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 (edited) Is there some huge awful or traumatic thing you need to share? Or something they could potentially find out elsewhere down the line or soemthing like that? Sorry if you've already responded. In my experience, it's never been the case of doing a big reveal about my past or any one particular situation. During the course lf getting to know a guy and dating different things come up organically in conversations. For me, a good relationship is both friendship and romance, that means I need to be able to comfortably talk to the guy I'm dating. Usually that has meant that we can talk about anything and there is not generally a big reveal of something but past relationships, sexual stuff, non-relationship stuff that happened in the past etc come up in various conversations in a natural way. People are free to not choose you if they know the truth. That shouldn't mean you lie, omit or downplay what has shaped you or who you are or what has happened or your choices just to make them stay. Be with someone who knows your story and STILL chooses you. You will feel so much lighter and better and like you are really loved and won't ever be scared you're gonna be "found out." In general though, unless there is a particularly traumatic or important thing you feel you have to share to move forward, as I said, for me, most discussions of the past haven't been this moment of waiting yo make some big reveal; rather, bits and pieces of stories, experiences etc come up naturally in conversations overtime. Edited December 31, 2015 by MissBee 1
twosadthings Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 The primary reality of our lives is that everything we say and do has a consequence for not only ourselves but for people we haven't yet met or for those who are not even born. The issue of your past being on video is what makes it necessary for you to disclose what you did and your regret. It shouldn't be discussed until you and a love interest are clearly serious about sharing a life together. He will have to know so as to best be able to protect you and his children from any possible fallout from their exposure. Fifteen years from now if or when your son is shown or finds your videos the man who loves you will be prepared for it and know what to do about it in the best interest of his/your family. Find real love first and then put your trust in it. Twosadthings 1
Author Samantha86 Posted January 1, 2016 Author Posted January 1, 2016 Well a New Year and maybe some new luck for me. I'll get back to that later. The general consensus seems to be that I need to tell (but not in detail) once it's established that we want to take things to the next level (but not before). That is what I have been doing without luck. I guess I just haven't found the right person. But also leaving it too long as I did with one person can create problems of it's own. Anyway hopefully I don't need to worry about that anymore. New Years eve was kind to me. An old school friend took the opportunity of a midnight kiss to let me know she has had a crush on me for years. Now that she is divorced she wants to see if we can make it work. The best thing is that she knows my history and she is not appalled by it having regularly swung with her ex-husband. To be honest, while I do consider myself bisexual, I was never really looking for a woman. Maybe it was the party atmosphere but this just felt right. So I have a date tomorrow night and I'm actually quite a bit nervous. The one thing I am looking forward to is that I can be myself, she already knows my past. That is a huge weight lifted.
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I don't want to make this thread about my past life. I worked long and hard to put it behind me and I now own it as part of who I am. I am not adverse to talking about it but I find people get preoccupied with it when they find out. Suffice to say that I was young gullible and easily lead. If you write a list of any sex act you could think of I could tick most boxes. He watched a lot of porn and when he saw something new he would suggest we try it. I didn't have the willpower to say no, in fact I was a willing participant at the time but I was too young to realise the impact they would have later in life. No need to go into details about your previous relationships, especially sexual experiences if you're not comfortable with it. The past is what makes you who you are today and you're not obligated to confess all to your new partner. I doubt you really wanna hear all the details of his past sexual experiences, right? There has to be a line drawn. It's one thing to say how many, it's another to describe exactly in details all each relationship, especially the sexual side of it. 1
jen1447 Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Well a New Year and maybe some new luck for me. I'll get back to that later. The general consensus seems to be that I need to tell (but not in detail) once it's established that we want to take things to the next level (but not before). That is what I have been doing without luck. I guess I just haven't found the right person. But also leaving it too long as I did with one person can create problems of it's own. Anyway hopefully I don't need to worry about that anymore. New Years eve was kind to me. An old school friend took the opportunity of a midnight kiss to let me know she has had a crush on me for years. Now that she is divorced she wants to see if we can make it work. The best thing is that she knows my history and she is not appalled by it having regularly swung with her ex-husband. To be honest, while I do consider myself bisexual, I was never really looking for a woman. Maybe it was the party atmosphere but this just felt right. So I have a date tomorrow night and I'm actually quite a bit nervous. The one thing I am looking forward to is that I can be myself, she already knows my past. That is a huge weight lifted. That's fantastic. btw, if it's any consolation, the 'speed' of our modern internet-centered lives anymore is such that your videos will probably be obsolete sooner rather than later.
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