When to tell a new relationship about your past?

[Samantha86]

I just want to ask how other people go talking about their past sex life with new partners especially when it is not something one would really want to share.

 

I got mixed up in the wrong crowd when I was younger and my BF was very controlling. I ended up doing a number of things at his request that I am not proud of at all. But I grew strong and got away from that and got my life back in order.

 

I started dating again about 3 years or so ago but I find it difficult to know what and when I should share. I believe honesty is best but that hasn’t worked, one was scared off and the other took it as an invite that I wanted him to try these things.

 

I kept it a total secret from another and the relationship was successful but when I finally opened up and shared just a little he was angry that I hadn’t been honest earlier. This was after we had been together a year mind you. It went downhill from there, he said there was no trust and he values that over everything else. He wasn’t concerned with my past just that I wasn’t honest.

 

So now I don’t know whether to share my past and if I do at what stage of the relationship do I do it? I am not having trouble starting relationships, but it just seems that I make the wrong choice as to whether to tell them.

 

One option is to never ever mention it but then it just feels like I am living a lie. As much as I hate that part of my life it is part of me and I am proud of myself that I got away from it when so many would have been engulfed in it for life.

 

Surely the only choice I have isn’t to either keep it a secret or open up and risk being perceived as “damaged goods”. How do others handle talking about their past and at what stage of the relationship do they share it?

[road]

What is the problem in your past to mess up new relationships?

[Samantha86]

I tried to edit my original post but it wouldn't let me. Here is some more information.

 

I was with me ex-bf from 16-21 and then spent the next 5 years working on myself with only a few short casual friends with benefits type relationships during that time. I started dating again at 26 and am 29 now.

[Samantha86]

What is the problem in your past to mess up new relationships?

 

I don't want to make this thread about my past life. I worked long and hard to put it behind me and I now own it as part of who I am. I am not adverse to talking about it but I find people get preoccupied with it when they find out.

 

Suffice to say that I was young gullible and easily lead. If you write a list of any sex act you could think of I could tick most boxes. He watched a lot of porn and when he saw something new he would suggest we try it. I didn't have the willpower to say no, in fact I was a willing participant at the time but I was too young to realise the impact they would have later in life.

[Under The Radar]

There are people here who will tell you there is no need to discuss the past with any future partners ...... "The Past is in the Past".

 

There are people here who will tell you that the best indicator of future behavior is past relevant behavior. Our past experiences and actions make us who we are and develop or deteriorate our character. Failure to share our past could be deemed as "lies of omission" by some people based on their morals, standards, and personal preferences. As a result, your past should be open for discussion in a committed relationship.

 

You have experienced both sides of the coin:

 

1. Sharing your past early on and having a prospective partner lose interest and run away.

 

2. Waiting for a substantial period of time to disclose your past which caused trust issues for your boyfriend of over a year. He was unable to reconcile with your past ...... or better said ...... your failure to share these experiences with him as he got to know you. The result of which made him feel as if he can no longer trust you. He may have even questioned if he really ever knew you at all ...... as if the foundation of the relationship was built on lies.

 

My OPINION, for that is all anyone can really offer to you here, is to share your past earlier rather than later when developing feelings for a man. I wouldn't do it on the first few dates, but within the first couple of months. This way, if he decides to run, you can just chalk it up to incompatibility. The time and emotions you invest (and they invest) will be minimal. Then you can move forward in search of someone who is accepting of you for who you really are. As you astutely mentioned in the OP ...... it would feel like living a lie if you chose to hide that information forever.

 

You learned from your past and are not interested in ever repeating it. As well, who can fault you for telling them the truth in the future? The answer is no one ...... so hold your chest high and be proud of yourself for overcoming the challenges you surmounted in your earlier years.

[Gloria25]

Unless your "past" is something that will affect your current RL, then it need not be raised and/or mentioned.

 

It is not living a "lie", it's called "relevancy". In court, you can't overwhelm and distract the jury and/or judge with information that has no bearing on the issues you are presenting to the court.

 

I mean ever see a rape case where they try to shame the victim by attacking how she dressed, how much she drank - even if she made out with the perp in question? If you present that irrelevant info to the court, they're gonna start thinking bad of her character when her character is not on trial, her getting assaulted without consent is the trial.

 

So, sorry for the extreme example, but go ahead, tell every guy you meet about the past you worked so hard to overcome and his mind will be irreversibly tainted about you.

 

See it all the time. No matter what the sexual revolution and women's movement told women, men still don't think it's cute that other guys bedded you before they did - and worst if you had a wild and/or confused past.

[losangelena]

This is a really interesting question.

 

I don't know if the answer is to not say anything. I guess I would try and get a sense first as to why a new guy is asking. Is he asking in order to judge you, to see how "freaky" you are, or is he genuinely interested in getting to know you?

 

I personally have never asked an ex to reveal the details of his sexual history, except in a "hey, do you like to do xyz?" kind of way. I personally don't feel like it has a baring on our relationship (unless for some reason he was sexually abusing minors, for hypothetical example). Likewise, I would not necessarily reveal anything about my sexual past unless explicitly asked (again, unless it's like, "yeah, I'm into butt stuff").

 

If/when you do reveal it, I would describe it a lot like you have here—obliquely. Be firm and forthright about the fact that it was during a time in your life that you were young and impressionable, that you're not proud of it and that you don't participate in those things any longer. I think if a guy wants to pry beyond that, it's likely he's looking to judge you or is asking for prurient interest.

 

In my own personal opinion, when people want to know all the dirty details, when they say that transparency is best, it often turns out not to be, and knowing all the lurid details causes jealousy, insecurity, broken relationships, etc. I don't think you're necessarily under any OBLIGATION to tell someone, but if you do, I would say only do it with someone you can trust with that information, and to only do it at a time when you feel secure and comfortable (as comfortable as possible). If someone is trying to put you on the spot or demand an answer, that's not fair to you.

 

Hopefully you'll find someone who can accept that you had a more "wild" past, but also respect you enough to leave that past in the past.

[losangelena]

Actually, now that I'm thinking about this, I think it's within YOUR best interest to be upfront with your past. Not because some guy as "the right" to know, but because ultimately, you want to find someone who is going to accept you, bad parts and all.

 

I'm certain that there are men out there who will hear of your past and not run or judge you for it. Those are the kind you want to find.

[PrettyEmily77]

Relationship past? Anytime they ask, whatever they want to know.

 

Sexual past (from intimate details to 'numbers') ? Not once. Never came up in any of the relationships I've had and as I'm nearing 40, that's probably the last thing I want to know about someone. IRL, I've never met anyone with a particular interest for that kind of info (plenty on LS, though). Neither my BF nor I care or wants to know, which says nothing at all about either of our pasts; works for us. We share the same core values, and that matters to us more than any detail of our private life + once you get to know each other well enough, details of how past relationships started / ended are a lot more valuable in terms of establishing compatibility than past sexual behaviour IMO.

 

If you don't want to talk about it, then don't. There's nothing to gain from these things IMO (not the values you hold or character you have now in any case).

[Samantha86]

Thanks for all the replies but I guess I need to be a little more upfront and specific. I have made some semi-amateur videos, they are online still and can be relatively easily found. That was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back so to speak and when I walked away as what he kept signing me up for was not heading in a good direction.

 

I constantly worry that a boyfriend or his friends will see or have seen them. That is why I feel I need to tell. I don't start describing all the acts within them, but of course once they know the obvious questions follow. Maybe I am just destined to never have a stable relationship.

 

I don't think it is fair to hold that from someone for too long but telling inevitably leads to either the guy being totally disgusted by me or the opposite and wanting to emulate the videos.

 

As was said, maybe there is no answer. Maybe it's just keep trying until I find my knight.

[Under The Radar]

I suspected it was something that might be discovered without ever having been disclosed by you. This is why I feel it is important to be upfront with someone you are starting to develop genuinely positive feelings for. There are men who will not be accepting of your past, but you don't want to be with those individuals. The right person for you will be accepting of all of you ...... including your past ...... and yes, he is out there.

[preraph]

Honestly, there is NO upside to ever telling a man your past sexual exploits. Most of them, especially these days, will judge you harshly for it. It's none of their business! Everyone has a past with maybe a regret or two. Telling him this stuff might actually make him want to do that as well. Set some boundaries! I will maybe tell someone if they ask how many times I've been in love, but I am not about to detail my number of partners.

[understand50]

Samantha86,

 

I am of the opinion that you need to be upfront about your sexual past. The only time you should be as a general rule, tell about your sexual past is if and only if your past would have a negative impact on your relationship or marriage. The same could be said if you had a criminal record, or a child from a past relationship. In your case it is porno videos out on the net. That is a large thing, as most men that you may want to marry or be with would not want to be surprised by your past from someone other then yourself. This is a large impact, and needs to be addressed and not hidden.

 

So....

 

Having stated that, I would be upfront as early as possible, and i would also look at networking to try and find a man who, will see you for what you have become, and not what you were.

 

I do not think that this is impossible, but will concede that I do not face what you are going trough. All I do know, is that this will get better, as time goes on, and your "foot print" on the internet will go down. In the end honesty will always win the day, as by you being honest, you show that you are not that person anymore. Because of your past you have a higher standard to meet, but I think, and hope, that it will be part of what makes you stronger. By showing that you have risen above this, you show what a desirable mate and person you can be to another.

 

Study, what others with similar issue have done to get over this. I think you will find being open and honest about what your past is is the first step.

 

Wishing the best of luck..........

[Lobouspo]

Don't get specific about your sexual past, no good can come from it. What are the odds of him finding out about these videos? Slim, probably, you can be general about being "gullible" or a bit wild in your past, but I wouldn't share about the videos

[oldshirt]

Honestly, there is NO upside to ever telling a man your past sexual exploits. Most of them, especially these days, will judge you harshly for it. It's none of their business! Everyone has a past with maybe a regret or two. Telling him this stuff might actually make him want to do that as well. Set some boundaries! I will maybe tell someone if they ask how many times I've been in love, but I am not about to detail my number of partners.

 

 

 

I agree with this as well. There is simply no rational, legitimate, beneficial reason to tell anyone any specifics of your prior sex life. none. not one.

 

 

People always try to dream up reasons why you should tell them of your exploits, but none have any merit. It is just morbid curiosity at best. In fact the reason anyone would want to know about your prior sex acts and numbers of people you've been with etc etc is so they can pass judgement.

 

 

It's simply no one else's business. Noone has a right to your personal information. It's not lying or deceitful to keep private matters private if it's no one's business in the first place.

[oldshirt]

in regards to the porn videos, my advice is to just be discreet and not discuss any of your private matters or affairs and never discuss any specific acts or activities of your prior sex life.

 

 

As long as you stick to your guns and say you do not discuss private, personal matters it will probably never be an issue.

 

 

If by some weird fluke of luck someone happens to come across the vids, then just roll the dice, say you were young dumb but it happened and your douche BF posted them and you can't take them off and either they live with it or not.

 

 

Not to be harsh but that was a risk when you did it.

 

 

We all have pasts. Any normal person knows that. As long as you don't come off as preachy or holier than thou in other matters and as long as you consistently maintain a past-is-in-the-past attitude, no one can really come back and accuse you of dishonesty or deception.

 

 

If they can't deal with the fact you made some vids in your youth, that is on them and is their prerogative. But you are under no obligation to disclose that upfront and are under no obligation to display shame or remorse now but it's none of their business in the first place and neither is it any of your business what sex acts and activities they have engaged in .

 

 

The key here is consistency and congruency. You can't interrogate them about their pasts and judge them for their pasts and then lie and cover up about yours. And neither can you gloat and brag about some sexual exploits and then try to hide and cover up others.

 

 

You have to be consistent and congruent. Either maintain a personal boundary of keeping private matters private. Or be upfront with full disclosure from the git go.

 

 

My personal recommendation is knowledge of people's prior private matters serves virtually no benefit whatsoever and almost always causes problems so why do it. What useful, positive benefit can possibly come from it?

[lollipopspot]

I have made some semi-amateur videos, they are online still and can be relatively easily found...

 

I constantly worry that a boyfriend or his friends will see or have seen them. That is why I feel I need to tell.

 

How would they be easily found? I'm assuming your real name isn't attached to them?

 

There is SO MUCH porn out there, and more gets added to it constantly, that unless you're a well known name, I just don't see how some dude is going to happen across your video, especially as time goes on.

 

You can also try to find a guy who isn't into porn. Some guys, unfortunately not many, but some, acknowledge that the industry really isn't good for the women in it and don't want to victimize them. They also want to experience their sexuality directly rather than spending time watching desperate prostitutes or gullible young women like yourself getting f'ed.

[The Way I Am]

You should eventually be comfortable sharing your past, because that's how you have true intimacy.

 

Before you consider when you should tell a partner, you need to be sure yourself that you've worked through the issues from your past. If you still feel ashamed or it or like it's a dirty secret, you should keep working on yourself. You being comfortable with your past will go a long way toward your partner being comfortable with it.

 

You've done the extremes and found out why those don't work. I suggest you do something more in the middle.

 

Within the first several months, be honest about having a sexual past you regret but that you've moved on from. (Do this during a regular get-to-know-you conversation. Don't sit him down and be all "I have something to confess".)

 

Non-understanding men could be scared away by just that bit of info and immediately eliminate themselves as compatible options. Some men might want full details up front, and you can decide on a case by case basis if you want to tell them or just pass on them. (If you get a judgemental/freaked out vibe, pass. If you get a pervy vide, pass. If you get an understanding and just curious vibe, you might tell him.)

 

If they want to know more and you don't want to spill everything, you could even just ask them to tell you which things they *wouldn't* be ok with and you can confirm or deny to put them at ease. (For example, a guy might want make sure you weren't a prostitute, but anything other than that, he's fine with.)

 

Men who might be compatible with you will understand that those are very personal details and let you reveal them as you feel comfortable. They'll see you for who you are now, not what you did in the past.

[Samantha86]

The replies are interesting and what I feared. If I dated half the people here they would want to know. If I dated the other half I should keep it a secret.

 

You should eventually be comfortable sharing your past, because that's how you have true intimacy.

 

I have spent 5 years with a counselor, I am comfortable with who I am and what I have done. I am happy to share it, discuss it, analyze it, whatever people want. However that view does not seem to do me any good with relationships, men and women alike, they generally have the same reaction.

 

Within the first several months, be honest about having a sexual past you regret but that you've moved on from. (Do this during a regular get-to-know-you conversation. Don't sit him down and be all "I have something to confess".)

 

I think this will have to be the answer and I will have to just be patient until I find the right one.

 

How would they be easily found? I'm assuming your real name isn't attached to them?

 

No of course it's not. Let's just say they were popular and were at the top of the lists when someone searched that specific act. I haven't checked for years so maybe now they are gone. I do know the DVD's are still on shelves though, I only saw one a few months ago. My face is not on the cover but it is on the back.

 

So maybe they're not easily found but I would just hate to live with the fear that one day they could pop up. I couldn't imagine 10 years into a relationship, married, kids, and then someone recognizes me. I just want to avoid that.

[Timshel]

My heart goes out to you Samantha, that you had a time in your youth that still causes you harm. Lots of people are shamed in this day and age for telling young women to be sexually prudent. Times are changing but your thread exemplifies this advice. I know...hand slap...archaic mentality.

 

The long and short is that no person is the sum of some part, especially a well-past part. The fact that a turbulent phase of your past has been documented for posterity is horrible for you. It is not, however, a reason for you to hold your self in shame.

That part of your life is over and has been over for quite a while. There is no reason to be held accountable for the rest of your life. If you recognize an inconsistency with your true character and have changed your self to line up...forgive your self and let it go.

 

I don't see any reason to tell any person you date your life history. Nonsense....people earn the trust in order to be privy to such things. There are some crimes against humanity, such as pedophilia, that do not deserve privacy. You have committed no crime and deserve as much privacy as you desire.

 

I agree that at some point in a loving and committed relationship, all can be shared. Especially, as you said, involving marriage and children.

Just know Samantha that when you meet a man who is able to be a true life partner....your honesty will only solidify his commitment and level of protectiveness. It will not drive him away. My advice is for you to be patient for that man.

 

There is nothing that you have done that makes you less deserving of love and commitment. As any woman making a decision to trust in a relationship, you need to be choosy and not give your self or history to someone who simply does not deserve it.

[joystickd]

Be upfront about your past any person that chooses to hide that is being unfair to the other person in the interaction. They need to make a compelling assessment of you to decide if this is a relationship to pursue.

 

That whole judgement crap is just crap. We all judge the problem is when you get judged.

[oldshirt]

The replies are interesting and what I feared. If I dated half the people here they would want to know. If I dated the other half I should keep it a secret.

 

 

 

 

 

I think darn near everyone would "want" to know and I think most people will do some fishing and some probing around to find out what they can. That is just human nature, we want to know as much as we can.

 

 

I am not saying that people here would not want to know.

 

 

What I was saying is that even though people may want to know and may ask about your past, they are not entitled to an answer and have no right and no legitimate reason to know specific details of your past private life.

 

 

Knowledge of things like specific sex acts you've engaged in, the number of past partners etc etc can only bite you in the azz, it can never help you.

 

 

If you say one person too many or one act too racy and they will judge you as slutty and indiscriminate and immoral. If you say one person too few they will judge you as prudish or undesirable or uptight. you just can't win. Your best option is to keep your private matters private.

 

 

And yes, Unless you are Jenna Jamison or Pamela Anderson or some other big name star who has your real posted to all your material, how is anyone going to come across your specific vid amongst the hundreds of thousands of various porn clips out there? that will be like the chances of someone picking out one specific grain of sand in the desert.

[joystickd]

Honestly, there is NO upside to ever telling a man your past sexual exploits. Most of them, especially these days, will judge you harshly for it. It's none of their business! Everyone has a past with maybe a regret or two. Telling him this stuff might actually make him want to do that as well. Set some boundaries! I will maybe tell someone if they ask how many times I've been in love, but I am not about to detail my number of partners.

 

It's best to tell. People judge just learn to deal with it. It's better you tell it than someone else that adds their spin to it

[joystickd]

If man hid his past would it be a problem for you women. How would you feel if a man was with you and hid the fact he in his past had sex with other men and women possibly had STIs?

[oldshirt]

If man hid his past would it be a problem for you women. How would you feel if a man was with you and hid the fact he in his past had sex with other men and women possibly had STIs?

 

STDs is a separate issue.

 

 

If someone has concerns about STDs they have a right to ask their partner to be tested before they become sexually active with them.

 

 

And it's not "hiding the fact" for something that you have no right to know in the first place.

 

 

What people do in the privacy of their own bedroom is their own private business and no one else is entitled to that information.

 

 

We all have morbid curiosities and we all want information so we can pass judgment on others, but that does not mean we have an actual legitimate right to know what they have done in bed in the past. And it does not mean that anyone is under any obligation in any way shape or form to disclose their personal business to us.

 

 

You may want to know what all someone has done in the past but that doesn't mean you have any right to that information and it doesn't mean that they have any obligation or any legitimate reason to disclose it to you.