LoveRefreshed Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 My girl friend of 4 months has a friend of 10 years. During that 10 years, she was primarily married. After her divorce, he got some rebound action and they dated for some time. Maybe 6 months, and was a long distance relationship (4h). She met me and broke up with him almost instantly. She wants to be friends. During this 10 years, apparently he has made it known that he likes to buy gifts for his friends and is seemingly giving **** away. However, I don't know him, and all I know is my gf has a moveable/portable washing machine from this dude and a TV. He ordered her glasses before they broke up which arrived after we were together. This was my first issue- why is your ex bf buying you your glasses, those are legit items that cost money and aren't really a gift. However, the pre breakup order was enough to let it go. His first visit up since I've started dating her, he came with stupid things like canned beans and speghettios (don't care about those, whateves, doesn't bother me for things like that) but he also bought her a blanket. That somehow was for her roommate, and then he mailed another to her. Her glasses just broke (asthetically) and instead of any discussion with me, just text's her ex that they broke and basically put it on him to see if he would replace them. This part pisses me off. He has obvious romantic feelings for her and the friendship is a farce. She said he dealt with it before with her ex husband and he'll deal with it again. To me, she's encouraging this gift giving (and if it were platonic, who cares) that seems to have expectations associated (or he really does buy a bunch of people ****, idk) AND is going to invite his unrequited love. I told her that when we move in together in a few months, I will not be having this dude sending **** to my house for her. No guy is going to buy my gf **** and my gf will not be having no ****ing sugar daddy. She said it's not like that (the sugar daddy comment) but I call horse ****. She agreed to those rules, and the previous set ones I told her- that if he buys her inappropriate things like jewelery, that **** is getting pawned for weed and we'll smoke it and tell him. And that if he does do anything more that isn't platonic, the dude is done and out the door. No more of him in our life. That is my rule if she's going to flirt with it buy accepting his bull**** gifts. Though, I'm still pissed off about it. I really am, but she claims she doesn't understand what the problem is- she won't love him, he said he buys gifts for friends, they are friends so she accepts his gifts as platonic. I want to be spiteful and tell her I'm shopping for somethings for my ex gf, but not sure if that will really be a solution. I let it slip last night when she was talking about how she always wanted to go on a cruise. I told her they were expensive (I'm not rich, but I could certainly afford it) and that we could start a fund. Wouldn't take long with her ex chipping in. She got a little defensive again and said it wasn't like that. I'm really annoyed by it and not sure how to bring it up anymore without seeming insecure, jealous, or being annoying. I was thinking I'd just bide my time until he does something unacceptable and then just rain down fire on their façade of a friendship.
VeveCakes Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 That does seem a bit strange. Will she agree to send any new gifts back? Also, texting someone that "your glasses broke" to see if they will get you new ones, wouldn't fall in the realm of "gifts". Sounds more like a hand out to me. What is he getting in return?
Wewon Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 My girl friend of 4 months has a friend of 10 years. During that 10 years, she was primarily married. After her divorce, he got some rebound action and they dated for some time. Maybe 6 months, and was a long distance relationship (4h). She met me and broke up with him almost instantly. She wants to be friends. There was a recent thread from a guy whose gf keeps maintaining "orbitors", guys that stick around as "friends" that secretly harbor romantic notions. They stay around on facebook and other forms of social media. Your girlfriend is doing the same thing, she keeps feeding this and getting gifts in return (essentially using the poor schlub) meanwhile, this guy is skulking about the perimeters like a hyena waiting for the relationship version of carrion. The bad thing is, he had a taste of blood for 6 months just after her divorce. Before moving in together, she should establish some hardcore boundaries with this guy, which includes no random gifts. You want this resolved as soon as possible and certainly don't want this hanging over your head as you become more invested, emotionally and materially. Don't be surprised if she tells you to take a hike and this ends the relationship though.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Your girlfriend needs to set boundaries with this guy. If she wont, find a different girlfriend. She is a big part of the problem here. You'd be foolish to move in with her with this type of behaviour going on. Not worth it, especially when the relationship is only 4 months old. Bad sign. 1
Author LoveRefreshed Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 Yeah, my whole point to her is that he's going to be expecting a return on that investment. What is he expecting in return? The glasses thong was apparently 'he ordered them so he knows where to fix them' but that's hogwash bull****. I'll take them to any optometrist or glass store. **** that. She really wasn't aware apparently of how annoying I find it. I put the bottom line on it last night that he gets no leeway. In appropriate gift, action or expectation is immediate nc with him. She agreed but I still am annoyed by this. I don't think its so strange to be bothered by this.
Versacehottie Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 That does seem a bit strange. Will she agree to send any new gifts back? Also, texting someone that "your glasses broke" to see if they will get you new ones, wouldn't fall in the realm of "gifts". Sounds more like a hand out to me. What is he getting in return? Ugh. That is soooooo tacky of your gf. Really! I would have concerns for both the situation with this guy and her character based on her actions regarding the broken glasses. Ridiculous. It seems obvious that she knows he has feelings for her and is exploiting them for financial gain. That's unethical--as a fleecing of him, leading him on and muddy and disrespectful to her current boyfriend. But greed trumps all I guess in some people's minds. She is "selling" something to him: the hope or implied promise that they have a relationship that survives all things. I can see that it might be very awkward to turn unsolicited gifts down; however, she is SOLICITING with the broken glasses incident. This is a moral character issue. If I were you, I wouldn't move in with a person like that. If she was married before, she is old enough to know better. I would try to spread your anger around. The guy, while in the wrong, is not the only one. Spread some of it your girlfriend's way--actually she has the responsibility to you to do the right thing. Actually a better idea, is to stop being angry and get rid of her. What a joke. 1
Versacehottie Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Yeah, my whole point to her is that he's going to be expecting a return on that investment. What is he expecting in return? The glasses thong was apparently 'he ordered them so he knows where to fix them' but that's hogwash bull****. I'll take them to any optometrist or glass store. **** that. She really wasn't aware apparently of how annoying I find it. I put the bottom line on it last night that he gets no leeway. In appropriate gift, action or expectation is immediate nc with him. She agreed but I still am annoyed by this. I don't think its so strange to be bothered by this. It's definitely strange to only and primarily be bothered by HIM. She is the main problem.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 Oh I am mad at her not him. Bothered by his behavior and now my gf soliciting it. It was that that sparked the whole foot coming down thing. Before I just made fun of him as a people pleasing door mat but now I am mad at her for encouraging it. 1
Versacehottie Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Oh I am mad at her not him. Bothered by his behavior and now my gf soliciting it. It was that that sparked the whole foot coming down thing. Before I just made fun of him as a people pleasing door mat but now I am mad at her for encouraging it. Well glad your anger is directed appropriately. I still stand by my opinion that this is dealbreaker/breakup behavior by her. Pretty much the glasses. The rest of the gifts it's awkward to tell him no thank you if he just went out and got them. But a washing machine? She has been baiting him all along. Kinda prostitute-ish if you ask me. Doesn't matter if she hasn't fulfilled her end of that deal yet. She is dangling it in front of him like a carrot. Completely tacky to do with glasses. I mean how much can they be to fix anyway? But the value of the gift is not the issue. If she is pushing him for the gifts and also knows his real reason for giving them to her and with a prior dating history it's pretty obvious, she is out of line. I wouldn't just move in with her. She treats guys like suckers. Why do you want to sign up to be the next one?
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