TylerF Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Okay, I'm a single part time dad of a 6 year old. Meaning i have my son every other weekend and some weeks out of the year. I would love more, but that is what the good Judge gave me. My issue is my current Girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 month and she has recently been involved in my sons life and my son has been against it. I love being with my girl friend, and have high hopes of marrying her one day. Ever since we have involved my son in our relationship he has been against the idea. He gets mad and say hateful remarks, cries, throws big fits and says i'm his Daddy. I explain to him everything and that I will always be his daddy.. I try to talk to him, and nothing seems to work. My gf is alot younger than me, I'm 28 and she's 22, and she feels like it will only get worse. She constantly wants me to be strict and spank him for these outbursts. Our different parenting ideas are causing more arguments and I'm not sure how to handle it. My first thought, if there is issues already I should get out of it now. She's never been around kids, and I feel like its causing more and more issues. Any advice?
Gaeta Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 I'm 28 and she's 22, and she feels like it will only get worse. She constantly wants me to be strict and spank him for these outbursts. Our different parenting ideas are causing more arguments and I'm not sure how to handle it. My first thought, if there is issues already I should get out of it now. She's never been around kids, and I feel like its causing more and more issues. Any advice? Really?? You're gonna let a 22 year old tell you how to raise YOUR child when she has 0 experience in parenting? AND on top of that she encourages you to hit your child ! Wow just wow! Yes I have an advice, dump the girlfriend !!
ExpatInItaly Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Oh dear. My best friend was in a similar situation about 7 or 8 years ago. She had met a new man. He was a divorced father of three and the kids didn't take too kindly to my bff. She also had very little experience with children and their parenting ideas were vastly different. It caused a lot of conflict and resentment. She attempted to get her then-boyfriend into couples counselling and family therapy so they could try to reach some sort of compromise and figure out how to navigate this. He went to one session. Not much changed. Fast-forward to this past summer, and they got married. Those kids are obviously much older now and there is still a lot of tension in that house. Her now-teenaged stepdaughter more or less refuses to talk her. The oldest stepson (now 20) also isn't a fan of hers. The youngest is just 10 now and while he's a bit more chill, they certainly don't have a close relationship. (For the record, my bff doesn't want to have children of her own and never did) My suggestion? Consult a qualified therapist. This is clearly distressing to your son and he is your number 1 priority. This isn't something that is easily going to be explained to a 6-year-old and you need to address that immediately. A good counselor would probably be able to offer some strategies, but your girlfriend would need to be on board with this too. If she's not, you should seriously reconsider your long-term compatibility with her. You don't want to wind up in a similar situation as my best friend, with the tension palpable every time the kids come to stay with her and their dad.
smackie9 Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 It's not that he doesn't like her, it's the fact you are no longer with mommy. He's only 6, he's going through a lot of change in his life...he's very upset, and confused, that's why he is having out bursts. He has all these emotions he doesn't know what to do with. This is an emotional crisis, not poor behavior. Your GF has her head up her ass and is in no way suitable at this time to be a parent to him or any child. IMO your kids come first and that is the sacrifice you have to make if you decide to raise them, so that may mean getting rid of your GF. You need to realize you come as a package deal, and to find someone not only suitable for you, but for your son too. He is at an impressionable stage in his life. If you force this relationship on him, there will be a possibility of having a strained relationship with your son for years to come and with your ex. Not a good environment to raise a child in. I feel you really need to rethink about continuing seeing this GF of yours. 1
Gaeta Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Okay, I'm a single part time dad of a 6 year old. Your son is only 6. Children are emotion filters. He can feel this woman doesn't like him, he doesn't feel safe with her around but he cannot verbalize it that is why he's having fits and he constantly needs reassurance from you. Your girlfriend is too young and inexperienced to take on the role of step-mother and I would not be surprised she deep down resent the fact you have a child. 2
Giggle Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Thing is.. I can about guarantee she isn't totally wrong. You have him a small amount and you probably cater to him. I get on my ex about this all the time and we get along great and he has our son as much as his time and gf permits. But my ex can't stand to set any real rules or stand his ground. What do you do when he says hateful things and throws fits? How slow did you take introducing them? Is he now having to share you all the time whereas before only he had you? How does she interact with him? My ex went from y boys only directly to his gf being there every moment. Bad plan. 1
Author TylerF Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 My Son doesn't hate her. Actually he says he likes her, but he doesn't want her touching me at all. I know I need to rethink the idea of her being long term, but is that fair? Everything is great in out relationship except the child situations. She is showing signs of wanting to learn how to handle children, but it always seems to be to much for her. I don't want to hear the "Your kid is first" statement. I hate putting a number on it. There is enough love to go around! Thank you for the replies. It helps to just get it all ut!
Author TylerF Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 Giggle, I get what you are saying. I feel I do cater to him. I try not to, but for 5 years it's only been him and I on my weekends. I waited 6 months to introduce my gf to my son. I still do not spend all the time with her. I spend a weekend, and then I take a weekend off. I thought that might help with him thinking "I'm his daddy" issue. I guess I look at it if I were in her shoes, I'd never frown upon someone catering to their child. By catering, I mean, I easy on him. There is more than just the resistance in my having a gf. My sons mother and I are still friends. We communicate everyday. The gf hates that we do, and says its weird we are so nice. In her head, most ex's hate eachother. I came from one of those split up families, so i've swore I would never be like that. I guess I know what needs to be done, but was hoping someone would tell me this relationship was salvageable.
Gaeta Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 My Son doesn't hate her. Actually he says he likes her, but he doesn't want her touching me at all. I know I need to rethink the idea of her being long term, but is that fair? Everything is great in out relationship except the child situations. She is showing signs of wanting to learn how to handle children, but it always seems to be to much for her. I don't want to hear the "Your kid is first" statement. I hate putting a number on it. There is enough love to go around! Thank you for the replies. It helps to just get it all ut! Interesting how to refer to your child as 'the child'.
Author TylerF Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 That is my poor writing skills showing.
Giggle Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Yeaaaah the friends thing is very hard for insecure people to take. This gf of his doesn't seem to care that we are, on the other hand she thinks his taking my sons that aren't his.. That he loves cause he was their step-dad for 5 years.. As an attempt of mine to keeps my claws in him. My kids all thought he was awesome sauce when we were dating so I never had jealous kids. He also very much loved kids and gave them heaps of attention. Some people, even if they have kids, can not deal with your kids coming first. I don't understand this, but I've seen it. I don't think I'd expect him to do more than spend a couple hours in her company for one day per his weekend for a couple months. And your gf. *sigh* is used to having you to herself too. So I wouldn't be surprised if she is acting in a manner provoking your son. She would be wanting the usually mushy togetherness instead of stepping back and being an addition to your time with him. Taking it as an addition and maybe intrusion to her time with you. Some people are just like that =\
Gaeta Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 There is more than just the resistance in my having a gf. My sons mother and I are still friends. We communicate everyday. The gf hates that we do, and says its weird we are so nice. In her head, most ex's hate eachother. I came from one of those split up families, so i've swore I would never be like that. I guess I know what needs to be done, but was hoping someone would tell me this relationship was salvageable. Do you see how immature your girlfriend is? and I am not saying that to blame her, it's normal to be immature and inexperienced at 22. Most 22 yo cannot play step-mom. And you will talk to your ex for the rest of your life. There is no end to parenthood. I am divorced as well. When my daughter was 17 she disagreed with the man I had chosen to date. The reasons were hers and ran deep in her. I chose to let go of that man because my relationship with my daughter is more important than anything else in the world. There will be tons of other men for me to date but I only have 1 child. She grew up, matured, then became ok with my dating. How long ago did you divorce? is your child getting counseling for this divorce? You don't need to go far most schools offers that type of counseling.
Leigh 87 Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Your son is only 6. Children are emotion filters. He can feel this woman doesn't like him, he doesn't feel safe with her around but he cannot verbalize it that is why he's having fits and he constantly needs reassurance from you. Your girlfriend is too young and inexperienced to take on the role of step-mother and I would not be surprised she deep down resent the fact you have a child. I don't really blame her. It's actually highly annoying when little children throw fits and act annoying. It's not something I would want to be around. Hence why I'm childless. ..little kids are too unpleasant. When kids are older they become less annoying (no tantrums or random screaming ). Perhaps this girl can be kept totally superate from the child until he is older and she's older and possibly more mature? I wouldn't halt his relationship because his kid is being a brat and throwing fits.... 6 yr olds can't just throw tantrums and get what they want every time! So just because his fit throwing 6 year old"doesn't like " his father having a dating life, he's supposed to pander to a 6 year olds needs? When I was that age, and I didn't like one of my parents friends coming over, my parents sure wouldn't let me throw fits over it. Adults are entitled to carry on with their everyday lives even if their young children may not like certain aspects of it. I don't see why the OP should have to give up on love simply because his 6 yr old wants mummy and daddy back together. Now kids do come first, but the OPs girlfriend isn't doing anything wrong? She isn't a threat?
smackie9 Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 I can see your son is suffering from separation anxiety. He is really worried of losing your attention to her. It's bad enough he has very little time with you to begin with, and to see your attention being shared with your GF is very upsetting. I suggest when you have your son, to spend the majority of the visit focusing on him. He needs that now until he adjusts to the changes. You have to make the time of what you have with him special, and this is something your GF is going to have to step back from. Give you two more father son time. 1
Gaeta Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 You only have your son every other weekend, is it really necessary for your girlfriend to be there with you on those weekends? Especially it's a young relationship of a couple of months. My ex-boyfriend had a 15 yo son. I liked him and he liked me very much I still let them spend their weekends together. Even if the 15 yo liked me he didn't need me to be there all the time invading his personal relationship with his dad. Your son is 6. He gets to see you 4 days a month only and he has to share you with your girlfriend on those 4 days? C'mon. 5
Gemma1 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 It's obviously too soon for your son and your girlfriend to be around each other. 6 months is still super early. They are both having problems adjusting. There is absolutely nothing to lose by waiting a while longer to have them around each other. You only have your son every other weekend. Don't bring your girlfriend around on those weekends. If you guys decide to stay together, then after a year or so, reintroduce them and really work on it. Until then, give it a break. Neither of them are ready. Stop forcing it. 1
Glitters Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 (edited) I have a different perspective on this. This is all about parenting skills! I met my husband while going through divorce from the first one. We both made a strong relationship , just the two of us then after my divorce , started introducing the kids. I have two and he has one. Mine were young teenagers and his was s toddler then ( now 7 ). I have full custody and my ex sees our kids every other weekend and same for my husband's son. My ex and I are civil but no friendly terms and same for my now husband. His ex has tried to be ' friends ' but it comes back to being respectful and dedication to your current relationship. If you were that friendly with each other then why not stay together ? Doesn't work. My kids were older and knew that I hadn't been happy for long and they too didn't have much liking to their dad , so it want an issue as my now husband is great with them and me ! His toddler had a bit of adjustment time but he loved my kids ! His mom tried to interfere but my husband made a boundary that worked. If the ex is in the picture , your no new relationship will ever work. Period. If you want to stay friends for the child , why not just stay together for the kid ? Out of respect for your new relationship, you have to stay civil ( only communication is needed when it's child related) and not more than that. It's wrong of you to expect your gf to be happy that you are friends with an ex. Her asking you to spank the child is not. If you want to stay friends with an ex, find someone who would be fine with it as your current is not. Edited December 30, 2015 by Glitters
GemmaUK Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I'm horrified that your gf is suggesting you spank your son! He is 6 years old and certainly old enough to have instincts about people. I suspect he has a gut instinct about your gf which is why he is acting up. He is just too young to be able to verbalise it. I have a friend who has a son of 10. He is a lovely lad but he has been kicking off for months now. Her 'new man' is a whole load of trouble. The guy regularly skives off work to drink, he has written off 2 people's cars driving whilst drunk. He also is a regular drug user. Her son senses he is bad news and twigged it after a fw short weeks of them dating. All of her friends know he is bad news yet so far she is refusing to see it. 1
Leigh 87 Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 You only have your son every other weekend, is it really necessary for your girlfriend to be there with you on those weekends? Especially it's a young relationship of a couple of months. My ex-boyfriend had a 15 yo son. I liked him and he liked me very much I still let them spend their weekends together. Even if the 15 yo liked me he didn't need me to be there all the time invading his personal relationship with his dad. Your son is 6. He gets to see you 4 days a month only and he has to share you with your girlfriend on those 4 days? C'mon. 4 days a month only? Poor kid. I see why he's this way now. I would keep your gf totally separate from your son so you can dedicate all your attention to him.... you can see your gf more often than your son after all. 2
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 I don't really blame her. It's actually highly annoying when little children throw fits and act annoying. Agreed...this is why I hesitate to date women with young children, if they act up...you aren't allowed (according to them) to yell at THEIR kid.
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