Seeing my ex this week, not sure how to act?

[alicia59]

I’m going to see my ex again at a NYE party on Thursday, and I’m so confused on how to act and what to do. I’m pretty sure he still has feelings for me, and he knows I’m coming to the party and is still attending. The breakdown:

 

1. Dated two years; NC for almost two months; we get drunk and hook up at a party. He comes to this party KNOWING I'll be there, after not speaking to me for months. The day next (sober), he tells me he still has feelings, still loves me, and has missed me so much and is now confused. Says he wants to be on friendly terms and talk and see me.

2. Texting and a few calls for a little over a month. I have to initiate 100% of the time. Starts off distant but slowly warms up to joking and laughing together. Ask to hang out; he agrees; I’m super flirty and touchy but we don’t do anything.

3. We make plans for later in the week. He cancels the next day, says everything is alright though (obviously not). He hates confrontation. Ignores my texts for over two weeks, NO explanation, finally answers me this week as if nothing is wrong.

4. Messaged him yesterday, back to ignoring me again. No explanation. SO CONFUSED.

 

How do I act at the party? Do I pretend like he isn’t giving me mixed signals and ignoring me half the time? Do I NOT be flirty since that seemed to scare him before? No idea what’s going through his head. His friends (which are also my friends) are annoyed with him for flip flopping around and confusing me. Appreciate any help.

 

P.S. Please don't say "move on." I've decided to try getting him back as long as we both still love each other. Also, please don't say "ignore him and pretend you don't want him, and then he'll chase you." That's clearly not working. Any other strategies?

Edited December 29, 2015 by alicia59

[Samhain]

You could always try the blatant honesty tactic and ask him what's going on and what he wants, so you can establish whether there is indeed anything left to salvage, or whether it's time to let go for good. At least you won't be in limbo anymore, even if the answers aren't the ones you want to hear.

 

I have to say though, judging from his recent behaviour I wouldn't get too many hopes up. Breadcrumbs is a serious phenomena that happens after a lot of relationships have ended. Where one person leads the other to believe that they want to reconcile/still have feelings when really it's just an ego trip to know their ex still wants them. Since you initiate all contact and he so easily ignores you, it sounds like this might be the case with your guy.

 

I know you don't want to hear the "move on" advice, but it really is the only option left in this situation that will leave you with any integrity.

[alicia59]

Thank you for your reply. If he hadn't explicitly told me how much he's missed me and that he still has feelings, I would agree that from his behavior it would seem like there wasn't much chance. However, since he admitted all of that...and plus we dated for two years and he cared about me so much!

 

The way I'm reaching out isn't about the relationship at all. Last time I texted, I just shared a link to a video I know he'd enjoy. It's so friendly and nonthreatening that it leads me (and our friends) to believe he's ignoring me not out of meanness but because it hurts to talk to me because he does still care but is afraid to get back into a serious relationship.

 

I have the Text Your Ex Back program and have been following it. These nonthreatening, simple texts are supposed to be responded to no problem. It's not like I'm asking him to get back together. I really feel like he's trying to get over me but failing because he does love me so much. :/

 

I tried being honest and asking what he wanted to do and whether he wanted to talk, hang out, be friends, what. When we met up to discuss it, he never brought up the topic. I also tried to subtly ask "So we haven't talked in awhile" after the two weeks of ignoring and he made up some lame excuse about being busy. He's really bad at discussing emotions. I feel like the only way to drag it out of him would be to corner him in a room and not let him leave until he tells me what's up, lol.

[ExtraSpice]

My advice is probably along the same lines as Samhain.

 

The best way is the blatant honesty tactic. Personally I really dislike playing games, waiting for texts, giving signals etc. I much rather have a blunt honest conversation.

 

Just ask him straight up what he wants and tell him what you want. Whatever decision comes from that conversation, stick with it. May not be what you want to hear but it is a lot better than uncertainty.

 

And as mentioned before it could be the breadcrumbs phenomena. It is a big ego trip and whether intentional or unintentional it happens a lot and really hinders any progress.

[kidm]

Since you've foreclosed the only viable option (i.e move on/ignore), I'd say hit him over the head with a club the next time you see him (only enough so he passes out with no major injuries) and then drug him to your nest. Once in your nest, restrain him so he can't get away when he awakes and then when he does, demand that he want to be with you and show you attention. That should do it.

 

On a serious note, you don't have to try this hard to get a guy interested in you. It's really simple. If he seems uninterested, it probably doesn't bode well for a second chance. You should want to be with a guy who is making the effort and is excited to see and be with you. When will you give up?

[Samhain]

Thank you for your reply. If he hadn't explicitly told me how much he's missed me and that he still has feelings, I would agree that from his behavior it would seem like there wasn't much chance. However, since he admitted all of that...and plus we dated for two years and he cared about me so much!

 

The way I'm reaching out isn't about the relationship at all. Last time I texted, I just shared a link to a video I know he'd enjoy. It's so friendly and nonthreatening that it leads me (and our friends) to believe he's ignoring me not out of meanness but because it hurts to talk to me because he does still care but is afraid to get back into a serious relationship.

 

I have the Text Your Ex Back program and have been following it. These nonthreatening, simple texts are supposed to be responded to no problem. It's not like I'm asking him to get back together. I really feel like he's trying to get over me but failing because he does love me so much. :/

 

I tried being honest and asking what he wanted to do and whether he wanted to talk, hang out, be friends, what. When we met up to discuss it, he never brought up the topic. I also tried to subtly ask "So we haven't talked in awhile" after the two weeks of ignoring and he made up some lame excuse about being busy. He's really bad at discussing emotions. I feel like the only way to drag it out of him would be to corner him in a room and not let him leave until he tells me what's up, lol.

 

I feel that the whole "he loves me so much that he is ignoring me because he's scared" is wishful thinking on your part.

 

Some human emotions are not as complex as they are often made out to be. When we care about somebody and are in love with somebody fear will seldom be enough to stop communication as interaction and closeness with the person becomes a basic need.

 

Sometimes when relationships end people aren't quite ready to let go and so they stay in contact and indicate that they care and make wishy washy decisions and drop hints and generally confuse the hell out of the other person, until they fully let go leaving the other person feeling worthless, but with the validation that they their self needed to move on. It's incredibly selfish but incredibly common.

[alicia59]

After NC I did have an honest conversation and asked what he wanted. I was prepared for him to say he never wanted to see me again since he hadn't talked to me in two months. HE said he wants to be friendly, talk, and he even said we could hang out and get lunch and stuff like friends do. I don't know...he has a friend who's staying with him for a few months who's very against relationships and told him he shouldn't talk to me or see me. I know, I know - he's an adult and should do what he wants. But he's a people pleaser and a little bit of a pushover. His best friend, who's also my best guy friend, says he can be "beta" in this respect, rather than alpha. He has a hard time being upfront with people and oftentimes he agrees to things his friends want even if he doesn't want them. He hates confrontation. When we hooked up, he "got in trouble" with the friend who's staying with him because he didn't "approve." It's stupid but it makes me feel like right now his actions are partly motivated by this other dude's directions.

 

And to answer the other question, I will give up once he no longer cares about me and loves me. While the feelings remain, I will try. I think that's reasonable!

[alicia59]

I feel that the whole "he loves me so much that he is ignoring me because he's scared" is wishful thinking on your part.

 

Some human emotions are not as complex as they are often made out to be. When we care about somebody and are in love with somebody fear will seldom be enough to stop communication as interaction and closeness with the person becomes a basic need.

 

Sometimes when relationships end people aren't quite ready to let go and so they stay in contact and indicate that they care and make wishy washy decisions and drop hints and generally confuse the hell out of the other person, until they fully let go leaving the other person feeling worthless, but with the validation that they their self needed to move on. It's incredibly selfish but incredibly common.

 

It may be wishful thinking, but check out my reply about his friend. I think that guy is part of the motivation for the ignoring. Also, I've spoken with a therapist and she says based on everything I've told her, she 100% believes he is not over me and still cares for me. She says he was hurt by what I did to cause the breakup and he will need me to reach out more now to regain his trust. She said she worked with a similar situation and it took 9 months for them to get back together and I need to put in the work..so idk..!!

[Samhain]

After NC I did have an honest conversation and asked what he wanted. I was prepared for him to say he never wanted to see me again since he hadn't talked to me in two months. HE said he wants to be friendly, talk, and he even said we could hang out and get lunch and stuff like friends do. I don't know...he has a friend who's staying with him for a few months who's very against relationships and told him he shouldn't talk to me or see me. I know, I know - he's an adult and should do what he wants. But he's a people pleaser and a little bit of a pushover. His best friend, who's also my best guy friend, says he can be "beta" in this respect, rather than alpha. He has a hard time being upfront with people and oftentimes he agrees to things his friends want even if he doesn't want them. He hates confrontation. When we hooked up, he "got in trouble" with the friend who's staying with him because he didn't "approve." It's stupid but it makes me feel like right now his actions are partly motivated by this other dude's directions.

 

And to answer the other question, I will give up once he no longer cares about me and loves me. While the feelings remain, I will try. I think that's reasonable!

 

Using this same logic of his fear of confrontation and upsetting people, wanting to be a pleaser and what not, perhaps he has told you what you want to hear for those very reasons. If the relationship ended because of something you did maybe he wasn't ready to let go completely, but that is very different to wanting to salvage something for the future.

 

Emotions aren't light switches, they remain with us when something ends, and gradually decrease over time. So I'm inclined to agree that yes he still cared a great deal about you no doubt, but it's not too indicative of whether anything will ever come of it again.

[Standard-Fare]

I worry you're going to be flirty with him at the party, the two of you will drunkenly hook up, and then the same confusing sh*t will just repeat itself: He'll leave you hopelessly dangling on whether or not he wants to rekindle the relationship.

 

A NYE party is obviously not going to be a good time to hash out your issues and have an honest conversation of where you stand. You could try to demand that from him after the inevitable hookup, but there's no guarantee it will happen.

 

If you want to avoid this mess entirely, don't go to that party. Find something else to do. Simple as that. It would send a strong message to him that you're not going to play nice and hook up at drunken events without the promise of a relationship.

[alicia59]

Using this same logic of his fear of confrontation and upsetting people, wanting to be a pleaser and what not, perhaps he has told you what you want to hear for those very reasons. If the relationship ended because of something you did maybe he wasn't ready to let go completely, but that is very different to wanting to salvage something for the future.

 

Emotions aren't light switches, they remain with us when something ends, and gradually decrease over time. So I'm inclined to agree that yes he still cared a great deal about you no doubt, but it's not too indicative of whether anything will ever come of it again.

 

Makes sense. I'm still going to try because I really care about this guy and I've read countless success stories in worse situations than mine...but I guess you can see now why I'm at a loss because even if I corner him into an honest conversation, I won't know whether it's 1. the truth 2. what he thinks I want to hear or 3. what his friend is manipulating him into saying. Sigh.

 

Also, I can't use jealousy to jumpstart his desire to chase me because our breakup had to do with jealousy, and the therapist says don't go out with any other guys or even post any Facebook pictures with guy friends or it will ruin my chances completely.

[Samhain]

Your therapist sounds like he/she is advocating a lot of false hope when they should be exploring all options and outcomes with you, especially the negative ones.

[alicia59]

I worry you're going to be flirty with him at the party, the two of you will drunkenly hook up, and then the same confusing sh*t will just repeat itself: He'll leave you hopelessly dangling on whether or not he wants to rekindle the relationship.

 

A NYE party is obviously not going to be a good time to hash out your issues and have an honest conversation of where you stand. You could try to demand that from him after the inevitable hookup, but there's no guarantee it will happen.

 

If you want to avoid this mess entirely, don't go to that party. Find something else to do. Simple as that. It would send a strong message to him that you're not going to play nice and hook up at drunken events without the promise of a relationship.

 

The party is also a birthday celebration for the host (NYE birthday), so I don't want to skip out after I promised to come. Plus, I want to go and let him see me in person looking good, if nothing else. Right now I look the best I've ever looked! But I won't hook up again without some kind of explanation on all this.

[alicia59]

Your therapist sounds like he/she is advocating a lot of false hope when they should be exploring all options and outcomes with you, especially the negative ones.

 

We both understand it might not work out, but I think she feels I have a good chance given all of the factors and how much he cared for me while we were together, and also how serious we were and how I was his first serious girlfriend, first girl to ever sleep over his apartment in fact, first of so many things and since she's seen this before...like I said, she worked with a man who wanted his ex back and it took him nine months to regain her trust. She wouldn't talked to him at first. Did the hot and cold thing just like mine is doing. But her patient, the man, never gave up on his love for his ex and finally got her back.

[Miss Clavel]

I’m going to see my ex again at a NYE party on Thursday, and I’m so confused on how to act and what to do. I’m pretty sure he still has feelings for me, and he knows I’m coming to the party and is still attending. The breakdown:

 

1. Dated two years; NC for almost two months; we get drunk and hook up at a party. He comes to this party KNOWING I'll be there, after not speaking to me for months. The day next (sober), he tells me he still has feelings, still loves me, and has missed me so much and is now confused. Says he wants to be on friendly terms and talk and see me.

2. Texting and a few calls for a little over a month. I have to initiate 100% of the time. Starts off distant but slowly warms up to joking and laughing together. Ask to hang out; he agrees; I’m super flirty and touchy but we don’t do anything.

3. We make plans for later in the week. He cancels the next day, says everything is alright though (obviously not). He hates confrontation. Ignores my texts for over two weeks, NO explanation, finally answers me this week as if nothing is wrong.

4. Messaged him yesterday, back to ignoring me again. No explanation. SO CONFUSED.

 

How do I act at the party? Do I pretend like he isn’t giving me mixed signals and ignoring me half the time? Do I NOT be flirty since that seemed to scare him before? No idea what’s going through his head. His friends (which are also my friends) are annoyed with him for flip flopping around and confusing me. Appreciate any help.

 

P.S. Please don't say "move on." I've decided to try getting him back as long as we both still love each other. Also, please don't say "ignore him and pretend you don't want him, and then he'll chase you." That's clearly not working. Any other strategies?

.

 

 

show some dignity and do not attend the party. His actions are loud and clear to anyone with a smig of self respect.

 

Remember, if you get him you will have to keep him.

 

Makes me tired just thinking of it, trying to force someone to answer my calls?

 

0, hell no.

[Standard-Fare]

The party is also a birthday celebration for the host (NYE birthday), so I don't want to skip out after I promised to come. Plus, I want to go and let him see me in person looking good, if nothing else. Right now I look the best I've ever looked! But I won't hook up again without some kind of explanation on all this.

 

Right, but NYE is a couple days away, so what are the chances you're going to get some clarity on this stuff before then? Seems like slim to none. And, as I said before, the party itself is NOT going to be the right environment for getting into these issues.

 

I think chances are high you're going to have superficial warm feelings for each other at the party. But I think you have the right idea of making a point NOT to hook up with him that night. Stay strong! You guys really need to clear up some things before you do that again.

[alicia59]

Right, but NYE is a couple days away, so what are the chances you're going to get some clarity on this stuff before then? Seems like slim to none. And, as I said before, the party itself is NOT going to be the right environment for getting into these issues.

 

I think chances are high you're going to have superficial warm feelings for each other at the party. But I think you have the right idea of making a point NOT to hook up with him that night. Stay strong! You guys really need to clear up some things before you do that again.

 

Definitely! No hooking up until things are discussed. But I just don't know when or if he will have that conversation. I'm glad his best friend is my friend too so I have some inside information, but I think we're both pretty frustrated with him, lol. For the two months of NC he told everyone and their mother how he was over me and it was done, said he wasn't sad, blah blah, and then he admitted he had made ALL of it up to put up a front for everybody. All just pretending. So stupid, why can't men deal with emotions? His friend was like, "He's such a faker. He just needs to admit he wants to talk to you and stop listening to *friend who's staying with him*." I'm like...yeah I agree. Ha.