RightThere Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Because the few times i've heard women use it, it was a cover for cheating situations. Poly isn't for me. But even I can realize you're painting a pretty broad generalization with a couple of pretty bad examples. Jen even said, if everyone isn't on the same page, it's cheating just like any other cheating. Lying is lying. Whether it's in monogamous or non-monogamous relationships.
kismetkismet Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 (edited) I say, to each their own. As long as the people involved are honest about the situation, are both fully consenting and happy with it, then there's nothing really wrong with it. That said, I personally would never be in a polyamorous relationship or date someone who was interested in polyamoury. I would probably even stay away from someone that had been in polyamorous relationships in the past. I think it represents a particular philosophy around love and relationships. One that is not in line with my own. I don't want someone to be monogamous with me because i have forced that RULE on them. I want them to be only with me because they want to only be with me. So I wouldn't date someone who had only been in polyamorous relationships in the past because then a monogamous relationship would probably feel restrictive and unfulfilling for them, just as a polyamorous relationship would feel insecure and lonely and stressful for me. Edited December 31, 2015 by kismetkismet 3
jen1447 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I say, to each their own. As long as the people involved are honest about the situation, are both fully consenting and happy with it, then there's nothing really wrong with it. That said, I personally would never be in a polyamorous relationship or date someone who was interested in polyamoury. I would probably even stay away from someone that had been in polyamorous relationships in the past. I think it represents a particular philosophy around love and relationships. One that is not in line with my own. I don't want someone to be monogamous with me because i have forced that RULE on them. I want them to be only with me because they want to only be with me. So I wouldn't date someone who had only been in polyamorous relationships in the past because then a monogamous relationship would probably feel restrictive and unfulfilling for them, just as a polyamorous relationship would feel insecure and lonely and stressful for me. ^ That outlook I have no issues w/at all. You didn't condemn me as someone who's not in love w/the ppl I'm in love with etc., so live and let live. Thank you. 1
oberkeat Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 What do people think about polyamory vs. fidelity and monogamy. Non monogamous is the only type of relationship I want at this point in my life. I feel like I haven't gotten the sex life I want in my life, so I have a lot of catching up to do. The only way to do that is having multiple girlfriends at the same time. That's my goal.
AspenBaldwin Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 What the others said. (I'm happily polyamorous.) Seems like a very broad intro to the topic ....do you have sth more specific on your mind? I have a question: What happens when one or more members of the poly relationship have kids, who has more authority on the household? The senior member? The one that earns more money? The first wife husband? How do they agree how to raise the babies?
jen1447 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I have a question: What happens when one or more members of the poly relationship have kids, who has more authority on the household? The senior member? The one that earns more money? The first wife husband? How do they agree how to raise the babies? I guess you'd have to ask poly ppl who raise families together. IME that's usually done independently. For ex, I live alone so there's no shared household, and only 1 of my GFs has children (2 young kids) who I don't play a parental role for. 1
No_Go Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 That's very interesting way to put it - I guess mono/poly is just different dimension of human sexuality. But I also assume the scale is continuous similarly to homo/hetero scale or asexual/highly sexually driven. So if these dimensions were all documented and understood better, it will safe so much pain to people... I think the jealousy issues come from ppl who aren't actually polyamorous (as in fundamentally, much like your sexuality) practicing polyamory nonetheless. Those are the "have your cake and eat it too" ppl, but it's not actually legit polyamorous ppl. That's actually not even a rule if your arrangement happened to be 'don't ask/don't tell' or sth like that. But more often the players all know each other yeah, and in situations where the arrangement is full disclosure you have to advise. Otherwise it's cheating just like any other cheating.
jen1447 Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 That's very interesting way to put it - I guess mono/poly is just different dimension of human sexuality. But I also assume the scale is continuous similarly to homo/hetero scale or asexual/highly sexually driven. So if these dimensions were all documented and understood better, it will safe so much pain to people... I don't think they're really understood very well yet. A lot of society still labors under a black and white sexual orientation misconception for women for example, and as you can see just from this thread it's still socially ok to indiscriminately and openly bash polyamory as somehow deviant or illegitimate or unreal, much like it used to be w/homosexuals. So there's a lot of learning to do yet. 1
wmacbride Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 So long as this type of relationship is not forced upon someone, then it's up to the parties involved to determine if it's right for them. I say forced upon, because some who feel they are polyarmourous come to this conclusion while they are in a committed relationship. They choose to pursue outside relationships, while maintaining the illusion that they are still practicing fidelity to their original husband/wife or relationship partner. In essence, that person is being forced to live with the potential fallout from the outside relationship even though they never agreed to do so.
Radu Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) I read some forums that dealt with this, and the threads of ppl doing it, and one all too common theme i saw was 'i am worth more than you, so if you want me, you need to be on board with this and let me get my full needs met'. Their rationalizations and actions came from a place of selfishness but without the individual accepting this. When you hear stuff like, a woman who has a designated provider and designated lover, and there is no serious disability on the part of the provider, you know someone is out to have it all and is selfish as hell. Reverse the genders and it's the same thing. I just wonder why these ppl feel the need to put it in the more acceptable context of 'love' when it's just an Open relationship for one (in practicality). That being said, there were some relationships that did not seem to come from something like this, and who were genuinely ok. Personally, while a fantastic sexual fantasy, IRL i know that 1 woman is problematic enough. 2 are far worse ... i like very low drama. Edited January 2, 2016 by Radu
jen1447 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You should try 3 and 1 guy. I think it's obvs to deduce that poly ppl will have just as many issues as single partner couples, but I don't know that the issues are so unique to polyamory in the big picture. They're just issues. Single partner couples can feature very selfish ppl as well, etc.
sambolini Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I read some forums that dealt with this, and the threads of ppl doing it, and one all too common theme i saw was 'i am worth more than you, so if you want me, you need to be on board with this and let me get my full needs met'. Their rationalizations and actions came from a place of selfishness but without the individual accepting this. When you hear stuff like, a woman who has a designated provider and designated lover, and there is no serious disability on the part of the provider, you know someone is out to have it all and is selfish as hell. Reverse the genders and it's the same thing. I just wonder why these ppl feel the need to put it in the more acceptable context of 'love' when it's just an Open relationship for one (in practicality). That being said, there were some relationships that did not seem to come from something like this, and who were genuinely ok. Personally, while a fantastic sexual fantasy, IRL i know that 1 woman is problematic enough. 2 are far worse ... i like very low drama. My experience mirrors this. I simply don't get into relationships. I'll happily spend time with women, naked or otherwise. But I make it clear: I am not exclusive to her, and never will be. What I do is my business, and the same holds true for her. There's a woman at my work who recently split from her husband. She and I have been good friends for a few years, but there's been an underlying level of sexual tension (we have never once acted on it). She's seeing a few different guys, and more power to her. On Thursday we were catching up, and she said something like "when you get married again" and I said "it'll never happen. I don't really believe in romantic love, nor do I even consider monogamy much anymore." She was a little surprised at that. I flat out told her I'll spend time with a woman and happily hump her brains out, but I am not looking for exclusivity. I found it interesting that it's perfectly ok for her to ride the carousel, but when I say I essentially want to do the male equivalent, she seemed to think it was against our nature. I love her to death (platonically), but made it clear that if we date, she ain't gonna be the only one and I won't get into a relationship with her. And she thought she could change my mind! I'd rather have nine out of ten women tell me no because that's not what they want than lie about my intentions. Unfortunately, we don't always get that same consideration in return.
MissBee Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Polyamory has worked for me, as has polyfidelity, as well as monogamy. I approve of any kind of relationship that's done consensually and ethically. I agree. I don't think there is one right way to have a relationship, so long as everything is consensual and transparent between all involved adults. Polyamory makes sense to me in theory, it's just that I don't think in practice it would be easy for me to carry out. But I see it as perfectly legit. The ideal for me would be to have a solid monogamous relationship wherein we can be open and frank and discuss if our feelings change and if we'd want to open it up to other options. I hate when people try to bring up whether or not monogamy is "natural" as an excuse for infidelity. Humans are flexible and many things are simply choices we make and don't really have anything to do with natural or unnatural. Natural or not makes zero difference ultimately, the questions is about choice and becomes one of ethics, mutual consent, transparency, honesty, all those other human qualities. One can also engage in infidelity, betrayal, deceit and other unethical behaviors in polyamorous relationships as well. This has nothing to do with the amount of people you're partnered with but how you treat them, the agreements you've made, the transparency, honesty, choice etc. 3
Els Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Different strokes for different folks (sometimes quite literally!). I'd never go for it but I've known people who participated in it, and everyone involved seemed quite happy, so good for them. It concerns me that so many people, including the OP, seem to believe that fidelity and polyamory are mutually exclusive. Fidelity has everything to do with keeping each others' trust and nothing to do with who/how many people you're having sex with. If the polyamory is done with the informed consent of everyone involved then there is no infidelity at play. If there is no informed consent, then it isn't really 'polyamory' and is plain cheating full stop. 3
jen1447 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 If there is no informed consent, then it isn't really 'polyamory' and is plain cheating full stop. Exactly. Or at best it's an open relationship, which is decidedly different than polyamory and possibly where a lot of ppl get confused - both participants and observers. (They're not mutually exclusive tho ....I'm poly and open for ex.) 1
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