"You should lower your standards in this Netflix and Chill era"

[GingerVixen]

That's what I heard from one of my friends when I told her what happened.

 

Well. Met this 32 year old guy in OkCupid (I have deleted my profile already), very successful lawyer and very famous in his business. Smart, educated, funny, sarcastic. We had great rapport. We NEVER sexted and the conversation used to be flirty but never explicit or sexual because I knew how to control the subject of the conversation. He lives very far away from me, but I usually travel to his city for business. I told him I was coming to his city in a few months, we arranged a date but he basically stood me up saying he had guests and work to do. I gave him the benefit of doubt, didn't freak out and made other plans. He kept texting me. He said "Please do not delete me or stop talking to me, we could at least be pen pals." Ok. I agreed to be a pen pal. I am not expecting anything since I have been dating other guys in my REAL life.

 

Then last week my boss told me he wanted me to travel to NYC, where this guy lives. I honestly NEVER PLANNED to have sex with this guy. I only wanted to meet him and talk to him, since he is an interesting, fun person. Perhaps kiss and makeout? Yeah. Sex? No. Sex leads to emotional involvement and since I don't want to be emotionally involved with a guy who lives miles away from me, I never wanted to have sex with him. But I know he was expecting sex.

 

Anyway, we were having a very nice conversation, he was sharing details about his family, sending me pictures of him with his siblings, talking about politics and economy... everything was amazing. Then we had this ridiculous conversation here:

 

Me: - Hey, I gotta tell you something... I am coming to NYC next month.

- That's very welcome news. Damn, I am really falling asleep (he had taken an overnight flight and he had told me already he was tired)

- You should get some rest, then

- Yeah... There's room for one in my bed right now. I could use a cuddle buddy right now.

- You're very daring for someone in a sleepwalking state, aren't you?

- Well.. In fact there's room for two more if you want to bring a friend

 

Right when he said that, I was immediately turned off. Sounded so much something a horny frat boy would say. Pathetic. I told him "I knew you would say that one day, don't be a jerk" and he said "lol.. hilarious, newsflash - I'm a man!" Which could be the worst possible answer a man could give, and that only confirmed he is in fact a horndog.

 

The thing is... I don't want a guy who makes this type of jokes, I know jokes like these are usually not jokes and he is probably thinking I am looking for a hookup, thus testing waters to see if I would agree to have a threesome. I deleted his number, blocked him in Instagram and moved on. I have my standards and I am not meeting a guy like this.

 

Anyway... I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ADVICE. I have made my decision already. I wrote this because I told my friend about this and she said 'I think you should realize that in this Netflix and chill era guys usually say things like that and joke this way. You should lower your standards in this Netflix and chill era and be more forgiving".

 

Now... Really? So because guys are acting like horndogs I have to accept that and go on dates with men that don't make me feel comfortable?? Am I the one who's being demanding here? Am I too picky for looking for a polite, decent man who does not mention the possibility of having a threesome before even meeting me?

 

Am I the one who's wrong?

[PegNosePete]

because guys are acting like horndogs I have to accept that and go on dates with men that don't make me feel comfortable?? Am I the one who's being demanding here? Am I too picky for looking for a polite, decent man who does not mention the possibility of having a threesome before even meeting me?

Not at all. Don't lower your standards for anyone. You might get less "hits", but the ones you do get will be better matches.

[Snakechammah]

I would be a bit uncomfortable too with what he texted.

 

However to block him and the whole "off with his head!" response is rather dramatic though. I don't have a habit of blocking people (nobody texts me anyway haha!) so I don't see the need for you to block him unless there is a danger of him sending you 100 texts a day, or you don't want him to see your new whataspp picture, or something like that.

 

But kudos to you that you've got your values firmly on the ground. It's great to see a sensible woman not swayed by a man's status and looks.

 

I hope 2016 will bring more suitable men in your life. All the best!

[Popsicle]

I agree with you not to lower your standards but you shouldn't have been talking to him. Nothing you seem to want will come out of LDR's and they are too risky. Learn to ignore the begging and stick to you guns.

[GingerVixen]

I would be a bit uncomfortable too with what he texted.

 

However to block him and the whole "off with his head!" response is rather dramatic though. I don't have a habit of blocking people (nobody texts me anyway haha!) so I don't see the need for you to block him unless there is a danger of him sending you 100 texts a day, or you don't want him to see your new whataspp picture, or something like that.

But kudos to you that you've got your values firmly on the ground. It's great to see a sensible woman not swayed by a man's status and looks.

 

I hope 2016 will bring more suitable men in your life. All the best!

 

That is one of the reasons why I deleted his number, tbh. Lol.

 

I don't want a horndog. People may say "Oh maybe he is just kidding, it's just his sense of humor". But no decent men would EVER EVER joke about this. Yes, not even a joke. That's why I decided to block him... Because since I don't want to meet him anymore I don't see any point in keeping talking to him either.

 

Thank you for your words, wish you a great 2016 as well

[LydiaLong]

Ginger,

Trust me. There are really decent guys out there. You have to spend a lot of time looking for them.

[xcupid]

Good for you. Stick to the way you are. You are on point with the way you handled the whole situation. A horndog is still a horndog at the end of the day.

[RecentChange]

Most men aren't on dating sites looking for a pen pal...

 

I think you should have been 100% up front with him that there would be no sex. Most would assume "coming to meet you in your city" = sex. And sex does not equal emotion for everyone (honestly I would get more emotionally involved with someone I "pen pal'ed" with over one night stand sex...)

 

I know you aren't looking for advice, but maybe instead of lowing your standards, make it perfectly clear sex won't be happening outside of a relationship of some sort.

[GingerVixen]

Most men aren't on dating sites looking for a pen pal...

 

I think you should have been 100% up front with him that there would be no sex. Most would assume "coming to meet you in your city" = sex. And sex does not equal emotion for everyone (honestly I would get more emotionally involved with someone I "pen pal'ed" with over one night stand sex...)

 

I know you aren't looking for advice, but maybe instead of lowing your standards, make it perfectly clear sex won't be happening outside of a relationship of some sort.

 

Yeah, I should have made it clear right from the start.

But you know, when we arranged our first meeting I told him I was not looking for a one night stand. Then he said "Hey I just asked you out for coffee, it's not like I have ulterior motives here! I just wanna talk to you and meet you"

 

I think I had made myself clear that I was NOT looking for a hookup. But he didn't understand it, apparently.

[ScienceGal]

Good for you! You sound like me

 

I gave a guy (also from OLD) my number because we had messaged for a while and wanted to set up a date. Within minutes of our first text conversation he wanted me to take selfies and send them to him. I said I don't really take selfies, and didn't feel comfortable doing it. That if I were in a relationship I probably would, but not for men I haven't even met. He let it go, and I redirected the conversation to trying to set up a coffee date. He messaged me the next day on the dating site to say he just didn't feel the chemistry once we started texting. I laughed and rolled my eyes. I knew it was because I hadn't sent the photos he wanted. Then another day later texted me that it's too bad I was so rude about not wanting to send pics because he liked me and had enjoyed our conversations.

 

Excuse me? Who wants pics instead of an actual date? Definitely strange and bad vibes.

 

I blocked him and never messaged him back. I won't lower my standards because they're just fine where they are.

[loveweary11]

Your instincts are right. That's not a joke.

 

I'm from the area and understand the culture very well.

 

If he's good in business, he (like me) knows how to push the boundaries a bit to see what he can get away with. He was indeed doing that with you and probably has another girl in NY he's thinking of already for the hookup. Maybe a FWB.

 

 

 

This part is important, however.

 

" honestly NEVER PLANNED to have sex with this guy. I only wanted to meet him and talk to him, since he is an interesting, fun person. Perhaps kiss and makeout? Yeah. Sex? No. Sex leads to emotional involvement and since I don't want to be emotionally involved with a guy who lives miles away from me, I never wanted to have sex with him. But I know he was expecting sex."

 

He should have known this from the start so you weren't wasting each other's time.

 

Bad communication skills.

[GingerVixen]

Good for you! You sound like me

 

I gave a guy (also from OLD) my number because we had messaged for a while and wanted to set up a date. Within minutes of our first text conversation he wanted me to take selfies and send them to him. I said I don't really take selfies, and didn't feel comfortable doing it. That if I were in a relationship I probably would, but not for men I haven't even met. He let it go, and I redirected the conversation to trying to set up a coffee date. He messaged me the next day on the dating site to say he just didn't feel the chemistry once we started texting. I laughed and rolled my eyes. I knew it was because I hadn't sent the photos he wanted. Then another day later texted me that it's too bad I was so rude about not wanting to send pics because he liked me and had enjoyed our conversations.

 

Excuse me? Who wants pics instead of an actual date? Definitely strange and bad vibes.

 

I blocked him and never messaged him back. I won't lower my standards because they're just fine where they are.

 

Wow, what a weirdo! That's why I deleted my profile, I got tired of the weirdos and perverts there...

 

If a guy is upset because you don't do what he is asking, and if he is asking somethign absurd ("hey send me selfies") that's definitely a red flag. You did the right thing, I would have done the same.

[PegNosePete]

no decent men would EVER EVER joke about this

Agreed, especially with someone they've never met!

[GingerVixen]

Your instincts are right. That's not a joke.

 

I'm from the area and understand the culture very well.

 

If he's good in business, he (like me) knows how to push the boundaries a bit to see what he can get away with. He was indeed doing that with you and probably has another girl in NY he's thinking of already for the hookup. Maybe a FWB.

 

 

 

This part is important, however.

 

" honestly NEVER PLANNED to have sex with this guy. I only wanted to meet him and talk to him, since he is an interesting, fun person. Perhaps kiss and makeout? Yeah. Sex? No. Sex leads to emotional involvement and since I don't want to be emotionally involved with a guy who lives miles away from me, I never wanted to have sex with him. But I know he was expecting sex."

 

He should have known this from the start so you weren't wasting each other's time.

 

Bad communication skills.

 

Yeah I know... I should have made myself CLEARER.

Because like I said before... when we arranged our first meeting, I was coming to NYCand he wanted a dinner date and drinks later and I said "Hey... listen. I am not looking for a one night stand. I think a lunch date would be more appropriate" and he said "hey, you're coming to NYC , I just want

to meet you and talk to you! You're an educated, smart woman, you know what you want and I know that. It's not like I have ulterior motives here. I have friends from everywhere around the globe... You're already one of them"

 

I thought he had understood my message and that he was GENUINELY not thinking I was looking for sex. My mistake. I think that after we started talking again and flirting a little he thought "hmm I guess she's ready for sex now".

 

I wonder if I had made it clearer from the start if he would act differently, but honestly? I think he would just run away faster... He is a horndog. He is just looking for sex. I was just wasting my time.

[ScienceGal]

Also, I am currently receiving messages from a man who is very handsome and athletic. I've tried several times to plan a date, but he always messages way after the days I ask about and wants to make last minute plans. Most recently, he wanted me to meet him immediately, late one night, and I said no. I work early and I don't meet men for the first time last minute late at night.

 

He's actually trying to turn it on me and say he has been trying to set dates, and that I am the one who can never make it, thus proving I must be on the dating site just looking for attention. I nearly fell out of my chair while laughing. That might work on inexperienced or insecure women, but it won't work on me. Nice try, bub.

[Gaeta]

I would have told him to get lost as well.

 

If this is his best behavior then I don't need to see the rest of him. What's next eh? he's gonna slap my ass in front of my parents and think it's justified cause after all he's a man. Meh...

[GingerVixen]

Also, I am currently receiving messages from a man who is very handsome and athletic. I've tried several times to plan a date, but he always messages way after the days I ask about and wants to make last minute plans. Most recently, he wanted me to meet him immediately, late one night, and I said no. I work early and I don't meet men for the first time last minute late at night.

 

He's actually trying to turn it on me and say he has been trying to set dates, and that I am the one who can never make it, thus proving I must be on the dating site just looking for attention. I nearly fell out of my chair while laughing. That might work on inexperienced or insecure women, but it won't work on me. Nice try, bub.

 

Hahahaha, the man is looking for a booty call, not a date! Pathetic. They make these classic and mediocre moves and think they can fool us.

 

There was this one who used to text me, he lives in other state and he said after 10 MINUTES of conversation "If I pay for your flight tickets would you come to my house this weekend?" I just said "I'm not a hooker", and blocked him. These guys are crazy nowadays... There must be women who agree with being treated this way, otherwise these men wouldn't act this way. But I wonder what kind of woman accepts this kind of treatment. It makes me cringe.

[GingerVixen]

I would have told him to get lost as well.

 

If this is his best behavior then I don't need to see the rest of him. What's next eh? he's gonna slap my ass in front of my parents and think it's justified cause after all he's a man. Meh...

 

wow is there a man who has the guts to do that???

 

I want a time machine to get me back to the 19th century

[ScienceGal]

Yeah I know... I should have made myself CLEARER.

Because like I said before... when we arranged our first meeting, I was coming to NYCand he wanted a dinner date and drinks later and I said "Hey... listen. I am not looking for a one night stand. I think a lunch date would be more appropriate" and he said "hey, you're coming to NYC , I just want

to meet you and talk to you! You're an educated, smart woman, you know what you want and I know that. It's not like I have ulterior motives here. I have friends from everywhere around the globe... You're already one of them"

 

I thought he had understood my message and that he was GENUINELY not thinking I was looking for sex. My mistake. I think that after we started talking again and flirting a little he thought "hmm I guess she's ready for sex now".

 

I wonder if I had made it clearer from the start if he would act differently, but honestly? I think he would just run away faster... He is a horndog. He is just looking for sex. I was just wasting my time.

 

You made yourself clear, IMO.

People don't always listen or accept what is being said when they want something other than what's being told to them. My feeling is that he is someone who wants sex early and disregarded what you were communicating. He made light of it to you, but he still wanted sex. You were honest and clear, he wasn't.

[Snakechammah]

I would have told him to get lost as well.

 

If this is his best behavior then I don't need to see the rest of him. What's next eh? he's gonna slap my ass in front of my parents and think it's justified cause after all he's a man. Meh...

 

LOL Gaeta, you're always so entertaining!

[GingerVixen]

You made yourself clear, IMO.

People don't always listen or accept what is being said when they want something other than what's being told to them. My feeling is that he is someone who wants sex early and disregarded what you were communicating. He made light of it to you, but he still wanted sex. You were honest and clear, he wasn't.

 

I think this guy is really full of himself. He has a very important job position. I mean... Rubbing shoulders with diplomats and politicians everyday, this level of importance. He has written articles in very important newspapers and his pieces of writing have always been praised. And he has this cocky sense of humor. He would send me a pic of himself and say "Didn't I just make your day? Yes I know I did." This kind of jokes are not a problem for me, I find a little cockiness funny. But it tells me that yes, he is conceited.

 

That being said, and after you said that, I think that even if I told him I was not looking for sex, he is so full of himself that he couldn't believe it. Maybe he thought I was playing hard to get. I wasn't.

[Gaeta]

LOL Gaeta, you're always so entertaining!

 

Thank you dear! I have no merit though, my sense of humor is the direct result of complete disillusion lol

[BlueIris]

I wrote this because I told my friend about this and she said 'I think you should realize that in this Netflix and chill era guys usually say things like that and joke this way. You should lower your standards in this Netflix and chill era and be more forgiving".

 

Now... Really? So because guys are acting like horndogs I have to accept that and go on dates with men that don't make me feel comfortable?? Am I the one who's being demanding here? Am I too picky for looking for a polite, decent man who does not mention the possibility of having a threesome before even meeting me?

 

Am I the one who's wrong?

 

You're not wrong and she's not wrong. You and she just want and accept different things.

I wouldn't want anything to do with the example guy either.

[ScienceGal]

Oh yeah, the message he sent with his photo paints a more detailed picture. What a turnoff. Bleck!

[Samhain]

Nope you're not in the wrong at all. That's what we have instincts for. Nobody should ever be in any situation, whether it's to do with dating or otherwise, that makes them feel uncomfortable. Maybe your friend would act differently, but that's her choice, your choices are your own, and are right for you.