blind_otter Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 This is so effing hard. I hate going to therapy because all it does is stir up everything bad inside my head. I don't want to think about being raped, or molested, or abused. I don't want to think about it any more. But my therapist asks me these questions, I feel obliged to answer, but it's horrible, the panic, the frightened feelings, the tears that well in my eyes for something that happened years ago. It's awful. I try to handle things. I really do. But sometimes I feel so panicky and upset. I can't even READ about someone else's rape or rape in general without going into la-la land and freaking out. I had a flashback this morning at work at my desk. It was like I could not see what was in front of me, I saw what was happening THEN, and it was like it was happening all over again. This is how it always is when I start therapy again. When I get into a relationship where I start to care about the other person. I feel awful. I hate this, that I have no control over how I react when I am in this stage. I hate freaking out, shaking, not eating, checking my locks on my doors over and over even though I know they are locked, panicking in the shower, feeling dirty. I hate this. I hate the fact that those men still have a hold over me. I hate being afraid about absolutely nothing.
TUDOR Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Hang in there BO. Does it help to wright about it? Because you really do project what you are feeling in your words that some people just can't explain all that well.
Author blind_otter Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by TUDOR Hang in there BO. Does it help to wright about it? Because you really do project what you are feeling in your words that some people just can't explain all that well. It does help. Actually more often than not writing helps me more than talking. I talk myself in circles and get lost in the words. When I write, I can see what I am trying to express. I guess more so than anything I am angry with myself. Angry because I wasn't strong enough, at 12 or at 19, to fight back and protect myself. Now, I know I would (as my Mom said) "grab them by the balls and squeeze 'til they're dead." No joke, I would. I had a flashback while having sex with my exhusband once and I freaked out and bloodied his nose by elbowing him in the face. I blacked out, honestly, in my mind I was right back there, but instead of being helpless and pinned down, I freaked out. I am always afraid that this will happen again. I wrote about that incident in a journal I've had since I was 12. I laugh to read it, I was as flowery and verbose then as I am now, but the melodrama was stilted and childish. After that incident, with the flashback and bloodying my exhusband's nose, I was unable to have intercourse or even reach climax through masturbation, for several weeks. It eventually dissipated, but the fear of a similar incident happening again haunts me. I know I will get over this hump, probably in about a week or two. But being "in it" right now is horrid. This anxiety in my belly - my eating habits are awful, now. I only eat lunch, at work, because if I didn't (a) I would pass out and (b) people will think I'm weird. But no breakfast or dinner, I simply have no appetite and I pop zantac like candy. My boyfriend is all upset with me because I'm not eating. I did this before, for years really - not an intentional thing, a control thing is what it is. When I feel out of control I start to control the only thing I feel is in my realm of control.
st8toftheheart Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Hey Otter, Hang in there. I was an abused child, both verbally and phsycially. For years I though I was just no damn good. I believed that I was as worthless as my father had told me I'd been. Afraid to go to sleep at night, for fear of him coming in an beating me. What's worse, I still talk to him today and he regrets nothing and says he was a good father. I left home, no job no money. I hit rock bottom. Then I found therapy. I HATED it. Cried, rebelled, threaten to quit, felt worse coming out of the session than going in. Causing impact on my relationships. Realizing that I had a temper like my father, that I was my father, abusive and violent. Learning that you've become your worst enemy. But here I am almost 15 years later, better but not completely healed. Looking back I would not want to go through that again, but at the same time I'm glad I did. I wen to to do well professionally and socially, but now I'm still working on relationship issues because some insecurities still linger. I can even talk to my father without cowering and his presence no longer affects me as it used to. All I knew someone who was raped, and never sought any help. She has alot of insecurities and attitudes and feels like she has to lie and hide things, because she still has that feeling that she's done something bad. Don't let that be you. I wish you the best.
lindya Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter This is so effing hard. I hate going to therapy because all it does is stir up everything bad inside my head. I don't want to think about being raped, or molested, or abused. I don't want to think about it any more. But my therapist asks me these questions:( Hey. Doesn't sound good. Have you spoken to the therapist about going a bit more slowly. Keeping it at a pace you're comfortable with? And please, BO, try to stay away from that other thread. I'm sure you know the one I mean. Take care.
Author blind_otter Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 Thank you lindya. I suppose my therapist goes at this pace because that's how I talk - I talk in a way similar to how I write, and it all sort of flows out of me. I've been in therapy for almost 8 years, with various therapists, and thus I know what they are looking for, and in many ways I suppose I am impatient as well because I just want to get BETTER. I just want to be normal... But I know I never will be. I mean, I'll always be sensitive about certain things. I know the thread you're referring to and I am staying away, now. I knew better than to respond to it, but I sometimes feel this overwhelming obligation to try to make people understand, because they can't and they dismiss it so easily, but the ultimate violation, is having someone inside your body when you desperately don't want them in there. Having someone up against you desecrating what should be intimate and beautiful. My first experiences with sex were horrible and traumatic and it has taken a lot of low points like this, and a sincere effort on my part, to have a relativley healthy sex life. One that I enjoy and get fulfillment from. Now I can have a healthy sex life, but only because I learned to amputate my feelings from sex. To think of it as a biological act with no spiritual or emotional import. Which is kind of bizarre, because in a way I never share those feelings of closeness or intimacy that many and most of my partners feel, when they offer themselves up in an open and giving way. I am closed, there is a part of me I hold back and protect. That's what has triggered this I suppose, because we are working on teaching me how to access my emotions better and to open up more. Because I really want to be THERE for my boyfriend, now, who is loving and very supportive. But he said, if it's too much, I should slow down or stop for a while (like I always do) - that the things between us will be sorted out between us and I know he thinks I have put too much pressure on myself to heal at a pace faster than I really should.
TUDOR Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Just keep working towards your goal and don't worry so much about the pace. No matter what the pace you will encounter highs and lows. What happened to you is awful, I know I can't begin to imagine. I don't know what it will take for you let down your guard again and allow yourself to experience the things I know you want so much to have and to give to your boyfriend. There was nothing intimate or beautiful about what was taking from you. You still have inside of you the beautiful and most intimate aspects of sharing yourself with some one. When you share yourself now it is on your terms and I know your BF will be sharing that with you and not taking. Just keep focusing on the sharing aspect of it and with time you will not feel like it is being taking from you. I wish you the best of luck BO and the strength and courage to over come this. And none of us are normal for what it is worth. Normal is like being perfect, it doesn't exist.
quankanne Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 otter, I hadn't realized the extent of your pain, and all I can do is offer my deepfelt sorrow. That you had to deal with that sh*t in the first place, then over and over every time the memories rear their ugly head. That you still hurt no matter how hard you try to move past those memories. I honestly don't know what to say after that: one of the women in my office works with the couples who are trying to get their marriages blessed by the church but have to have previous unions annulled so this can happen. Something she said kind of puts things into perspective about dealing with crap like bad marriages -- and maybe even the kind of abuse you suffered: as painful as it is, when you get it all out in front of you, when you put it out there, you realize that you can put it away without every having to deal with it again because you've found that this equally painful process forces the pain into a manageable beast. I hope that the counselling you receive helps you do just that, whip the beastie into shape. hugs, quank
Author blind_otter Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 My heartfelt thanks to you guys. Compassion is sometimes in short supply in these snarky times (see, already I have started getting my sense of humor back! ) I think I'll ask her tonight, what i can expect, ultimately. I've never gotten a straight answer for that one. I've heard a lot of the therapists say "Wow, any one of the things that has happened to you would be difficult to address." Maybe their way of saying I shall be in therapy forever. Uck. My Dad has dealt with PTSD since the '50s...from the Korean War. His method? I believe he calls it "compartmentalizing". Put things in their appropriate compartments, in your head, and seal the compartment. Never to be opened again. I admit to some frustration with the current methodology of taking your problems out like gems and polishing each one up with excessive analysis. I mean, has this worked for anyone? I have so much detritus settled at the bottom of my consciousness, floating deep beneath the surface. Then the therapist comes with her big stick and stirs the pot. That which had settled below my awareness, affecting perhaps my reactions but not my conscious mind, floats upward. Suddenly those memories that I had put behind me are of the utmost importance. They command my daily preoccupations. They grip my reactions to things like a vice and steer me in directions I would not have previously even noticed. Thus the eating problem. I feel like I am being steered by this issue, that I am not as in control of myself as I once was. So my appetite is stolen. I exercise to rid myself of anxious energy. At least my posture is fabulous from the yoga, and my stomach is flat again. What my history has taught me, the molestation and the two rapes, the traditional family I grew up in, the heavily stilted gender roles I was taught - was that what is most valuable about me is my looks. Be pretty. Wear makeup and nice clothes and cute shoes. Put on a happy face. I line my lips and brush on mascara and feel as if I am putting on a mask, a happy happy mask. There are few people who have seen the rough and ragged "me".
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter This is so effing hard. I hate going to therapy because all it does is stir up everything bad inside my head. I don't want to think about being raped, or molested, or abused. I don't want to think about it any more. But my therapist asks me these questions, I feel obliged to answer, but it's horrible, the panic, the frightened feelings, the tears that well in my eyes for something that happened years ago. It's awful. I try to handle things. I really do. But sometimes I feel so panicky and upset. I can't even READ about someone else's rape or rape in general without going into la-la land and freaking out. I had a flashback this morning at work at my desk. It was like I could not see what was in front of me, I saw what was happening THEN, and it was like it was happening all over again. This is how it always is when I start therapy again. When I get into a relationship where I start to care about the other person. I feel awful. I hate this, that I have no control over how I react when I am in this stage. I hate freaking out, shaking, not eating, checking my locks on my doors over and over even though I know they are locked, panicking in the shower, feeling dirty. I hate this. I hate the fact that those men still have a hold over me. I hate being afraid about absolutely nothing. Giving you a well needed hug right now. We love ya and keep on talking, we're here. PS Yeah, don't lose yer humour...That is one thing that WILL get ya through the s***ty patches.
SexKitten Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 to me, sense of humour is the most important thing in life. i always know that as long as i still have it, i'm still alive. you are too. and even though none of us really knows each other here, i think most of us can say we are proud to have spent any time at all in your written presence. to you from someone who knows
Debster Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 BO, I don't have much advice for you, but to make up, I do have tons of compassion for what it must be like. I do think though that you might be underestimating how far you have come. I see you, at least on Loveshack as being a very kind, thoughtful and caring person. If you've gone through all of that crap and can still be that way, that shows something about you. That shows that you ARE a survivor. Granted, reliving it in counselling must be hard and hurtful, but try to think of how much more it will give you in the long run. In my (albeit novice) opinon, I think that once you can get over the intimacy issues, you're sailing! And intimacy is something that is hard for many people - even those who have not had a similar history. I'm giving you a great big virtual hug.
quankanne Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Then the therapist comes with her big stick and stirs the pot. damned pot-stirrer! compartmentalizing something can have it's positive attributes: you take it out and work on it as you are able. unfortunately, the down side to this is that you can be tempted to ignore something until it blows up in your face (*me*). but still, that gives you a sense of control over the situation. I think I'll ask her tonight, what i can expect, ultimately. do you set goals when you're in therapy? that might be one way to achieve a sense of accomplishment. Decide what YOU want to get from this -- and make it something not too challenging -- and let her know. Hopefully, together the two of you can cook up a game plan that'll help you move to different levels of healing, and you can be in control of what goes on inside you ...
moimeme Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Have you tried EMDR? Has anyone suggested it? Are you getting therapy specifically for PTSD?
Author blind_otter Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 I thank you guys again, what a way to get through a momentary crisis period. It's like my whole body and brain seize up. I must rely too much on my therapist for ideas on what to do. I do usually set goals, but mainly things like....what do I want to work on right now. So, the goal I set was to work on opening myself up and accessing my emotions, and my reactions to what happened to me, in a healthy manner. Learning how to express anger in a less self-destructive way, and coping with stress in a less self-destructive manner. Because right now my main method for coping with stress is in a bottle. Although because I have recently (well, for about a week and a half) avoided alcohol like the plague, my mind is clearing up. I will get to the point, though, where I honestly am craving a drink just to make things go easier in my heart. Nothing like something to numb the pain, eh? But I digress. I am loathe to seek out pharmaceutical treatment. Not gonna do that again. Seems to me like things blow up in my face when I do that. Takes longer but the blowup is worse, see. I adore my BF because he has this very calming, soothing presence about him. My feathers are constantly ruffled. I am slooowly relaxing into homeostasis again. Then watch me go to therapy tonight and freak out.
BrotherAaron Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 B_O, I certainly did not mean to cause this kind of reaction with the thread I started. I think we've both been touched by this issue in different ways, and both have a sensitivity to it. Please realize that your experience does not make you "abnormal". As unfortunate as it is, rape is more common than many people realize, and I have known several people who have been survived some very traumatic sexual encounters. You are steps ahead of many of them because you are able to talk about it, you are putting yourself through therapy, and you are working on healing. Hopefully you will be able to integrate your experience into your personality without letting it interfere with your life, if that is possible.
Author blind_otter Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 Well thanks, I'm doing better. I feel like a schmuck sometimes, because I am so out of control when it comes to reacting to certain things. I need to be better at managing my triggers and avoiding them. That take a lot of self-discipline, which is something I've only recently been experiencing and experimenting with. I'm not good at it yet. I will be, though.
Recommended Posts