Hurt but nobody to blame but myself

[Bigmess2]

I've been talking to the same guy since April. We work together, have talked just about everyday from the start, hang out every week, go on dates where he pays, and we are intimate with each other. In the beginning he asked me what I was looking for and I told him that I'd be happy if us talking turned into something and he told me that at the moment he wasn't looking for a relationship but after that things started progressing and becoming more serious. We've traveled out of state together, I've met his friends, it seems kind of like a relationship but just without the title. I know I'm stupid for not listening to him from the start but I've gotten myself into such a mess because I've fallen hard. We had such a nice day yesterday. He came over we drank wine and just cuddled and talked all day. It's easy with him and there's just a level of comfort that I love. I feel a connection to him that I don't usually feel with many guys.

 

This is the part that's killing me though... On Facebook I saw he clicked he was attending an event on New Year's Eve out of state. When I clicked the event I clicked who was attending and I noticed a girl that said he's a mutual friend with both of us she lives out of state but I guess she used to live here.. When we were hanging out yesterday I asked him about his New Year's Eve plans and he told me what he was doing but that he was just going with a bunch of his guy friends... Then when he was sitting next to me he was texting his father and was showing me pictures his dad was sending him and when he clicked out I saw that that same girl was one of his recent texts...

 

So 1. I can't say anything because technically we are not in a relationship. And 2. I can't say anything because I only know about this girl by seeing her name in his phone and through Facebook.

 

I know I'm stupid for letting it go this long knowing in the beginning he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship at that time. I guess what I was thinking was since things progressed so much he'd change his mind. And now I've really fallen For him and I guess he's not as serious as I thought and felt.

 

I don't know if it's better that I just distance myself from him or to have a conversation with him. Idk what the conversation would really entail... But I'm feeling hurt...we work together and I don't want to make things weird. I'm just so upset...idk what to do.

[Buddhist]

What you do is realise the truth of things. That you aren't exclusive and he's already told you he's not offering you that. Now you have a choice to make.

 

- Continue dating him knowing he is also seeing others as well.

- Stop dating him and find someone who will offer you exclusivity.

 

What you can't do though is pretend this is going somewhere now. I know what I'd do but the choice is yours.

[Empyrea]

Why can't he still be going with his guy friends? Maybe she/he saw that they were both attending this event and had a quick chat about meeting up or saying hi or sharing a cab or something.. If it were something more suspicious, he might have been more careful with his phone. Or what am I missing here? Why do you suspect foul play?

 

I feel like this is actually a symptom of the real problem here - which is the fact that you are no longer comfortable with an undefined, open relationship. Because the fact is - he could very well be hooking up with some other girl, or at least keeping his options open, and technically he wouldn't be doing anything wrong. I'm thinking a conversation is called for at some point in the future. My ex bf and I also did the undefined relationship thing for like a year before we made it official - at first I was also plagued with insecurities, but eventually it felt like we were spending all our exclusive time together and that we were essentially in a relationship, just without the title.. And at one point, it felt natural to bring it up and we both agreed we could make it exclusive. But I think avoiding the subject for so long, helped us both sidestep some of our commitment issues and kind of naturally fall into a relationship. So this COULD still happen to you as well, but you have to feel the timing. And he has to at least feel increasingly invested in you. So maybe don't go in with an ultimatum immediately, just express that you would like to make this exclusive, or stop wasting your time, and then give him some time to think about it.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Empyrea

[ExpatInItaly]

The reaction you're having now indicates this arrangement is no longer working for you.

 

I would simply be honest and say you're not comfortable being so casual anymore because ultimately you are looking for that special person to have a relationship with. So you need to stop seeing each other.

 

Even if there's nothing going on with this girl specifically, that's not to say there aren't or won't be others that he sees or gets intimate with. I would pull the plug now before you find out something that is much more upsetting. There's a reason he's avoiding a relationship, and it obviously doesn't feel good for you anymore.

[Zippy2000]

Time and time again I ve seen this where the girl starts developing feelings over time.

 

I d maybe ask you to take a risk. A risk to find out if he`s the one for you and tell him youve started to develop feelings for him.

 

Its better to tell him that now that tell us on here as we can only give you advice, You need to take the risk to find out if he feels the same for you.

[sandylee1]

Oh I do feel for you. You need to have a chat with him. Tell him you know it started out as casual.. but your feelings have moved on from then and you want to stop seeing him in that way to prevent any hurt... that you need to take some time out.

 

If he has deeper feelings for you.... he'll tell you.. if not he'll agree to stop seeing you.

 

This way you don't end on bad terms. It could be that he has also developed feeling for you.. but isn't sure if it's mutual.

 

Can I just ask how old you are?

 

Take care sweetie

[LydiaLong]

Big, I know it must hurt to fall for someone so deeply and then realize you aren't as important to him as he is to you. But if I were you, I would not let him know how hurt you are. To me, that would be humiliating. Here's my advice: Keep up a cheerful appearance and start being unavailable to him when he calls. Maybe hint that you're seeing someone. At least it will help you save face.

[Bigmess2]

I really appreciate all of your responses and advice. The sadness is hitting me in waves and I wish I could just stop it. I am 27 and he is 25. In the past I usually have never dated younger but there's just something about him that got me hooked. He usually goes for women who are older. His last girlfriend was 30. I feel like I make it so apparent when we are together that I'm so into him. I wish he would either do me the favor of moving things forward or letting me go gently if it's really not what he wants. Because I know that eventually it's either going to have to progress or end. I hate when you can see the potential in someone and they can treat you so great and things just feel natural but then on their end they just aren't completely on the same page. This hurts...

[GingerVixen]

Major mistake : You didn't listen to him. HE IS NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP.

 

I have read millions of posts in here, many of them about women who thought they could handle this whole FWB thing but they got emotionally involved. I honestly think most women are not ready for this kind of arrangement. We are emotional beings, we get attached.

 

That being said... He only sees you as a date. A date among others he has. Perhaps he is dating that girl too.

 

And if you confront him about the girl, you may possibly hear:

 

"Hey you were looking at my phone??? Damn I am not your boyfriend, I don't owe you anything!!!"

 

"Yes I have been dating her for a while too. I thought I had told you I am not looking for a relationship."

 

"Wow don't be paranoid, she's just a friend. And hey we're not even exclusive so why do you bother???"

 

"I think it's even RUDE of you to demand exclusivity when we're not exclusive"

 

See? He will make you sound crazy, irrational, paranoid.

 

Confronting him will not be worth it.

You have a choice to make - do you still want to be his FWB? (Because trust me, this is not that movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis... he will ALWAYS see you as his FWB... this will not become exclusive out of nowhere) If so, great. Keep having sex and have fun.

 

Do you want something exclusive?

Well. Then you tell him "Listen, we had fun and an amazing time and you're a nice guy but our long term goals are different, I am looking for a serious relationship and you can't give me that. We should stop seeing each other."

 

Like that. Calm, collected, mature. Don't nag and don't expect him to give you what he is not willing to give you.

 

And please, next time a man tells you he is not looking for a relationship, believe him.

[Bigmess2]

I am beyond hurt. Since I last saw him on Monday I haven't heard a word from him. He went to Boston, he hung out with that girl, the pictures of him on social media proved that. His last words to me Monday night were "I had a really really nice day with you today, I'm going to go to sleep now, I'll talk to you tomorrow".

 

I don't know what I did so wrong. I've been asleep more than I've been awake today. I need help.

[fred123]

How did you let it get this far?? Since april so that is like 7 months of dating!

surely you would have the exclusive conversation sooner no?

[Bigmess2]

I honestly was scared to talk with him because I was nervous he'd freak out and run away. I know that's stupid on my part. I just wish he'd at least communicate with me and give me enough respect to tell me that what we've had going on the passed few months aren't working out. It would hurt but I feel like being ignored is hurting me a lot worse. I'm so upset.

 

Half of my friends are telling me to just ignore him back and stop communicating because if he cared he'd show it. The other half are telling me to tell him that I'm hurt. I'm not sure what the better option is. He's not even leaving room for things to be cordial. When I see him at work on Monday it's going to be weird.

 

Clearly he doesn't want a relationship and wants to play the field. But I thought he'd at least give me more respect then to just ghost out and ignore me. Especially since our last encounter was so great. He even said so....

 

I hate this feeling

[ExpatInItaly]

I know it hurts. This is why it's so important not to invest in someone who tells you they don't want a relationship.

 

I'm a woman too and the reverse happened to me. I had a casual FWB and from the beginning we both stated we weren't looking for a relationship. The difference was that he didn't want a relationship in general, whereas I knew i didn't want a relationship with him.

 

He was always very nice to me, we went out a few times on more "date"-like outings but I always maintained a distance because I knew I didn't see him as a boyfriend. He had consistently stated throughout our time together that he was happy not having a relationship and being tied down.

 

So it served us both well, until I could sense he was developing feelings. I pulled back in a big way; I was still polite but much less contact as I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to lead him on. Then I met a man (who is now my boyfriend) and I knew I had to be upfront with the FWB, who was still asking me to get together. I explained that I had met someone and wouldn't be able to keep seeing him. He wished me well but I knew he wasn't happy.

 

My advice would be to go No Contact. If he gets in touch, be honest and let him know it's not working for you anymore. I am guessing he is fading because he knows you're more invested, and he is exploring other options. I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Next time, listen to and believe someone when they tell you they don't want a relationship, OP.

[TooLegitToQuit]

This is my take, as an older male.

 

This arrangement actually WAS working out for him and quite well, it just wasn't working out for YOU. I'm not sure he is aware that there's anything wrong--hell I even think he'll be back in touch w you when he gets back into town.

 

I wish I could say something besides lesson learned. I'd tell HIM this as much as you: You just can't sleep w someone you work w, over a 7-month period, and expect it to stay casual. A more experienced man would have been more aware of this too, but this guy is only 25. Unfortunately you are the one who is paying for this lesson and who will have to go through the process of getting over him.

Edited January 2, 2016 by TooLegitToQuit

[Buddhist]

I honestly was scared to talk with him because I was nervous he'd freak out and run away.

 

So you entered into a FWB thing as a way to settle with something with a man you want who doesn't want you? That always ends up hurting you more than just accepting the rejection in the first place would have. You harboured hope when there was none and now not only do you still have to deal with that rejection but you also blame yourself for not being sensible about it. And....you now know what you are missing making it doubly hard.

 

Clearly he doesn't want a relationship and wants to play the field. But I thought he'd at least give me more respect then to just ghost out and ignore me. Especially since our last encounter was so great. He even said so....

 

He's 25, this is what 25yr old guys are often like. They're immature and they only think of themselves. Don't expect apologies and mind reading from one so young.

[Bigmess2]

As each day goes by i'm more and more upset... how can someone be so careless? Even if he wanted to end whatever we had going on, wouldn't he want to end it in a more mature and friendly way? I am so disappointed in the person i'm seeing... he hasn't ever been like this towards me.

[Redhead14]

As each day goes by I'm more and more upset... how can someone be so careless? Even if he wanted to end whatever we had going on, wouldn't he want to end it in a more mature and friendly way? I am so disappointed in the person i'm seeing... he hasn't ever been like this towards me.

 

The title of the thread suggests that you are accepting responsibility for your role in this, yet you ask how can someone be so careless? You were not communicating effectively with him and accepting the way things were, he's not communicating with you because he thinks you've accepted things as they are/were and that it is not a relationship that he owes anything to. He's being careless, because he doesn't care enough and likely doesn't really understand that you've been expecting/hoping for more. Communication . . .

 

Go out with your friends and leave this be. Let him fade out if that is what he is doing. If he does call you at some point, you simply say that you've enjoyed the time you two spent together but it isn't what you want for yourself and since you hadn't heard from him for so long, that you've moved on anyway.

[Bigmess2]

I think I may seriously have a nervous break down.... I feel like absolutely nothing is working around me and now even the littlest of things are getting to me. I try to remind myself to be grateful for the positive things I do have in my life but it's so hard when nothing goes the way you'd like it to.

 

 

Still have not heard a word from him... it's been a week since i've seen him and we had our "great day"... so great he never wants to talk to me again. We didn't run into each other at work today but i'm so anxious walking the hallway thinking i'll see him... it's going to happen eventually and I'm just going to have to act like everything's fine.

 

If I had it my way without sounding like a nagging psycho i'd tell him that even though I know we weren't in an official relationship that i'm hurt that he just completely stopped contacting me. That after 8 months if he didn't want to continue what we had going that I thought we were at least close enough as friends to have that discussion. I feel so completely used and disrespected. I would never in a million years just stop talking to someone. I just think it's cruel. No matter what the circumstance.. friend, boyfriend, family. If you can get to know someone, talk to them all the time, see them every week, go on trips together, hang out with friends together, completely open up to someone and let them open up to you, you shouldn't just cut it all off without saying a word. I'm so extremely hurt.

 

but I guess I won't say anything since he clearly doesn't care... I'm trying to wrap my head around that. Aside from having to see him at work I don't think he'll ever try to talk to me again, even though nothing even went wrong.

 

Theres another guy that I've known for many years that keeps trying to pursue me but i've never seen him in that way and he's not really my type. Which might be a good thing since my type usually ends up jerking me over. All of my friends keep telling me to let him take me out but i'm not sure if I want to or should. I feel like I have to since everyone else is telling me it's a good idea but I don't want to give him the wrong impression at all. Plus my head is still wrapped around this jerk who isn't talking to me.. which I know I need to let go.

 

I don't understand why things work out the way they do... I have always played by the rules and done everything in my power to make others happy and I still always end up in the same ****ty situation. People ask me why i'm 27 and single... they tell me i'm beautiful, funny, have a great personality. It's hard to see that in myself when all of this always happens.

 

I don't know what to do anymore... I'm so tired of feeling this way. I try to keep busy, do things for myself with my friends. But just nothing can take my mind off of the negative.

 

I just needed to vent. Thank you if you actually took the time to read all of this.

[thecrucible]

I think I may seriously have a nervous break down.... I feel like absolutely nothing is working around me and now even the littlest of things are getting to me. I try to remind myself to be grateful for the positive things I do have in my life but it's so hard when nothing goes the way you'd like it to.

 

Aw Bigmess, lots of hugs. I feel for you, I really do. Many of us have gone through this. Just don't tell yourself "nothing goes the way I'd like it to". There will be something in your life for which you can say "today didn't go completely well but I managed to achieve this". Even that thing is just going for a walk or doing something to pamper yourself like having a nice bath. I know that sounds silly but just a little self-care always makes me feel better when I'm down.

 

Still have not heard a word from him... it's been a week since i've seen him and we had our "great day"... so great he never wants to talk to me again. We didn't run into each other at work today but i'm so anxious walking the hallway thinking i'll see him... it's going to happen eventually and I'm just going to have to act like everything's fine.

 

You will be okay. Please tell yourself this. Don't avoid bumping into him as it will happen eventually. When you do, tell yourself to be confident and get through it. I did this once and the guy was shocked and kind of offended that I was acting completely normally. Try and take your mind off it. Once you've bumped into him once, every other time is so much easier.

 

I feel so completely used and disrespected. I would never in a million years just stop talking to someone. I just think it's cruel. No matter what the circumstance.. friend, boyfriend, family. If you can get to know someone, talk to them all the time, see them every week, go on trips together, hang out with friends together, completely open up to someone and let them open up to you, you shouldn't just cut it all off without saying a word. I'm so extremely hurt.

 

I agree. That's really hurtful. But you need to be dignified. Don't waste your breathe on him. It says something about his character so it's a good thing that you didn't get more deeply involved. If you remained on friendly terms, it may not be ideal and you would see him with other women or hear him talk about them and that could be uncomfortable.

 

Theres another guy that I've known for many years that keeps trying to pursue me but i've never seen him in that way and he's not really my type. Which might be a good thing since my type usually ends up jerking me over. All of my friends keep telling me to let him take me out but i'm not sure if I want to or should. I feel like I have to since everyone else is telling me it's a good idea but I don't want to give him the wrong impression at all. Plus my head is still wrapped around this jerk who isn't talking to me.. which I know I need to let go.

 

I would take your time to get over this guy and tell your friends that you want to take some time off from dating but will open to it when your mind is a bit clearer.

 

I don't understand why things work out the way they do... I have always played by the rules and done everything in my power to make others happy and I still always end up in the same ****ty situation.

 

You sound like a good and loving person. I am the same in many respects and I have learned that unfortunately not everyone shares my perspective of trying to do my best for others. Don't get down on yourself or let others **** on your parade too much. Although I totally understand how you are feeling.

 

I don't know what to do anymore... I'm so tired of feeling this way. I try to keep busy, do things for myself with my friends. But just nothing can take my mind off of the negative.

 

It will hurt for a while and you can accept that you will feel negative for a certain period of time. Don't force yourself to feel better. Just take it one day at a time. Do something that you enjoy everyday and that makes you feel good and you can slowly regain some sense of self. Go to the gym (endorphins are good for you).

[Bigmess2]

So he ghosted out of nowhere... And then a month later contacts me apologizing telling me that he took me for granted and that he was so sorry and that I was the best thing he could've ever hoped for. He begged me to give him another shot at "our relationship" his words... I told him how hurt I was and how important communication is. He talked to me everyday over the week initiating conversation. Friday comes along and we had made plans to do something. He canceled the plans because of the snow. Haven't heard from him since Friday.... I don't get this boy. In one breath he wants me in the next he doesn't. I just don't understand it one bit. It felt good to get an apology but I'm not sure what the point of begging to talk to me would get him if he was just going to stop again. It's such a mind game.

[thecharade]

There's only one person treating you badly and not watching out for you even though they supposedly care . . . and that's you.

 

When someone treats you so inconsistently and you still WANT them, the problem is in you. You should be turned off by his poor behavior. Why aren't you? My guess: abandonment issues from your past. Abandonment issues wreak havoc and make us feel the need to chase and beg for love, most likely as we did with an unavailable parent who never gave us the love we deserved when we were young.

 

Read Journey From Abandonment to Healing and you will stop chasing love. It will find you instead.