Dating sites turning people into "players"

[Vilgefoz]

Before I start the topic, I want you to know one thing: I have been reading posts here and I am disgusted of you, users. I am perfectly sure I don't want to have anything with majority of you here, BUT there might be a few individuals who are not sponged up with toxicity AND honestly looking for understanding what is going around you. For those I have following thoughts:

 

Let's talk about dating sites first:

 

Let's sum up facts: As I read both male and female references it seems females are extremely picky and prone to refuse males based in slightest flaws. On the other hand, many males refer frustration based on unsuccessful dating women. Basically had one or two dates with many, often under-their-expectation ones and the females lost interest. Or they have causal hook up and then they don't meed again. Females on the other hand refer that males who are making them offer are not interesting for them and those who interest them are "players" meaning they seek only casual sex.

 

Those are hard facts.

 

Theorem: I think this situation turns people on both sides onto "players" people who seek for the prize (relationship with partner they desire) but instead of gaining it the end up playing (dating and casually hooking up, no stable result).

 

Explanation of phenomenon: even without discussing Gauss curve I think the case is very logical: It's very easy to locate potential partner and contact him. As a result, those best one are very highlighted and get most and best offers - both males and females. It is better to stay promiscuous for them because the can have a lot partner with little effort instead of one who they would work on - on relationship. Then there are those average - the game is tiresome for them because they want to get the best, so the keep trying. But opposite side pursuits the same thing, so it's even harder to land a relationship like that. And lastly. those least desired. For them is life is very frustrating because even the little attention they would get if people did not have so much choice they loose because of this.

 

 

This is general for both genders. BUT it's clear that every dating site have male/female ration at least 1/10 if not less. Which clearly leaves males more disadvantaged, pushing down the desired/average/undesired down, against their favor.

 

The result: despite dating sites should help people get a relationship, they are doing the opposite - turning the selection process into never stopping tiresome wheel.

 

another implications: In general ( a bit of philosophy here) when people get under stress, their real personality tends to reveal. Good people becomes better and bad people worse. This is the reason why all relationship forum have such attractive members - these are the tired, frustrated ones who are loosing it. Those good ones naturally leave (another philosophic assumption: there is much more bed than good people everywhere).

 

The key: I believe situation described in third paragraph applies to modern life in general - particularly in large cities - where it's easy to find and preselect new people too. Which is the reason why there is more single people in big cities then small towns (once I read this fact somewhere)...

 

 

 

 

 

Any reasonable thoughts?

[Gloria25]

Uh, in response to your "disgusted" comment...I don't care. I'm gonna call a "Petunia" a "Petunia" cuz I call it as I see it. I'm gonna call a "skank" a "skank" for the same reasons. Mind you, to the recipient of my comments about Petunia and skanks, I could care less if he's balled up in corner crying in Petunia's fat rolls, cuz when he's playing his game with my heart/mind and hurting my feelings AND MAKNG ME CRY - no one's calling him on his crap and are busy labeling "me" as the person with issues - NOT HIM. Besides, what I have to say about Petunia and psycho skank is the truth - they are manipulative, lazy and dim girls (not "women) and since he could care less about me and my feelings/heart and I'm a "game" to him, I'm no longer going to be "polite" about what I think about the "girls" he idolizes. I'm gonna be frank and candid and he can accept it or curl up like a little girl and cry and call me "toxic", "disgusting" or whatever....I DON'T CARE. I'm no longer showing care and consideration to someone who treats me like garbage. You get what you put out there in this world.

 

So, any "toxicity" I have is not from OLD, but from people like "him" out there who are mean spirited, self centered "players", and pretty much losers that shouldn't have gotten a time of my day.

 

Yes, OLD, IMO, is full of fakes and flakes...I'M NOT ONE OF THEM, I'm legitimately looking for someone to be my "long-term monogamous companion". I'm not looking for money, hookups, free-dinners. Even off of OLD, I was and still am not a "player".

 

IMO, the dating websites should do a better job of screening profiles and boot off those who aren't there to seriously date. Some commercials like for old people ("my time" or something) claim that they have serious people on there - but like one time my fav podcaster touched on that subject and she said she considered trying to do dating/match maker service, but realistically you can't know for sure who's fake. I mean, even off of OLD, you have people who lie and say they are looking for something serious, and poof, were using you all a long.

[loveweary11]

Reasonable and accurate.

 

Next post will tell us how to fix it, hopefully?

[Vilgefoz]

Reasonable and accurate.

 

Next post will tell us how to fix it, hopefully?

 

yes. Don't express your emotions over the internet (like I did - but at least I am being honest with you), don't go to dating sites, don't go to relationship forums unless you want to discuss something objective and above all, behave to according what you desire most instead of seeking the slimiest way.

[Gloria25]

yes. Don't express your emotions over the internet (like I did - but at least I am being honest with you), don't go to dating sites, don't go to relationship forums unless you want to discuss something objective and above all, behave to according what you desire most instead of seeking the slimiest way.

 

Some of us come here to "vent" and after what he put me though, I sure deserve a "venting" moment....

 

And again, I'm gonna be slimy, cuz that's how he's treated me. I no longer desire to be something he'd want anyways. Oh, yeah, doesn't matter cuz when I sat back and held my tongue and was playing "little miss nice" all he did was spit on me. So time for me to spit back. 'Bout time I grew a backbone and stop letting him walk all over me for is ego gratification.

 

Again, if at this point I still cared about him, I'd watch what I do/say, but since he's clear that he didn't and will never want me - I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!!

 

Like a Mary J. Blige song goes, she's learned to be "good to those who are good to her", cuz the evil God has allowed her to see. I've been nothing but nice, considerate, patient, and understanding of "him" and like OLD guys, he just sat behind a computer and toyed with me. I've even come on here and beg him to stop, to just talk to me and he could care less.

 

So, I don't care anymore, gonna treat him like he treats me...When I meet a guy who treats me well, of course, he'll get the "what I desire" side of me cuz again, never, ever, gonna treat someone better than they treat me - like I did with him. I treated him better than he EVER treated me and all he did was sit behind the computer and play games.

[Vilgefoz]

Uh, in response to your "disgusted" comment...I don't care. I'm gonna call a "Petunia" a "Petunia" cuz I call it as I see it. I'm gonna call a "skank" a "skank" for the same reasons. Mind you, to the recipient of my comments about Petunia and skanks, I could care less if he's balled up in corner crying in Petunia's fat rolls, cuz when he's playing his game with my heart/mind and hurting my feelings AND MAKNG ME CRY - no one's calling him on his crap and are busy labeling "me" as the person with issues - NOT HIM. Besides, what I have to say about Petunia and psycho skank is the truth - they are manipulative, lazy and dim girls (not "women) and since he could care less about me and my feelings/heart and I'm a "game" to him, I'm no longer going to be "polite" about what I think about the "girls" he idolizes. I'm gonna be frank and candid and he can accept it or curl up like a little girl and cry and call me "toxic", "disgusting" or whatever....I DON'T CARE. I'm no longer showing care and consideration to someone who treats me like garbage. You get what you put out there in this world.

 

So, any "toxicity" I have is not from OLD, but from people like "him" out there who are mean spirited, self centered "players", and pretty much losers that shouldn't have gotten a time of my day.

 

Yes, OLD, IMO, is full of fakes and flakes...I'M NOT ONE OF THEM, I'm legitimately looking for someone to be my "long-term monogamous companion". I'm not looking for money, hookups, free-dinners. Even off of OLD, I was and still am not a "player".

 

IMO, the dating websites should do a better job of screening profiles and boot off those who aren't there to seriously date. Some commercials like for old people ("my time" or something) claim that they have serious people on there - but like one time my fav podcaster touched on that subject and she said she considered trying to do dating/match maker service, but realistically you can't know for sure who's fake. I mean, even off of OLD, you have people who lie and say they are looking for something serious, and poof, were using you all a long.

 

I honestly don't understand your first paragraph.

 

 

But you have interesting idea - destining dating sites for long-term relationship purpose and screening those faking it.

 

I see 2 problems, however:

 

a) (my personal opinion) When I meet someone I don't think of him as future friend, hook up or relationship. I just talk to her and see where it goes. So solution here might be such site would not be suitable for me...

 

b) The real problem is that people are "cheaters" in their nature. And by cheaters I mean (pseudo) scientific term telling people will use lies and deceives to try to get what they want. They do it in all aspects of life and in dating foremost. Therefore it will be very hard to filter these one. I have no experience with dating site but I can use another example: this forum: It's strictly prohibited to do any trolling, insulting or personal attacks on users. But that did not stop "trolls" to spread their toxicity. I already wrote of that in first paragraph of this thread - people are pretending giving "good advice" while in real they are seeking to take revenge on their own hurt feelings. Like woman who has been cheated by several men is telling other OP how their partners are most certainly liars and should dump them - based on few subjective lines of description of situation. Take 20-50 of such active posters and you have another liar of trolls, this time: "socially acceptable". I believe any dating site anytime would end up the same.

[PegNosePete]

Any reasonable thoughts?

My thoughts are that you're wrong. Many, many people successfully use dating sites and find partners through them.

 

Just because it failed for you, doesn't mean it fails for everyone.

[Redfisher]

Worked well for me, I'm happy. I do understand your bitterness and wish you well in the future.

[GingerVixen]

I agree with you when you say that dating sites are making people look at potential partners as objects, products behind a shop window. People just scroll down their screens, looking for the next interesting profile, "liking" profiles as if they were products in a supermarket. That is not healthy or genuine, definitely not.

 

And this is one of the reasons why I DELETED my OkCupid profile.

 

I was honestly looking for a long term relationship but all I could meet there was horndogs, weirdos, perverts and players of all kinds. I didn't meet anyone I could possibly have a long term relationship with because it seemed that all men had the same mindset, they were all searching for instant gratification.

 

We live in an era of "fast food love"... Guys who spend 5 minutes talking to you, and if you don't agree to have coffee with them after only 10 minutes of conversation, they simply leave you hanging. Nobody is actually interested in getting to know each other, they have their own standards and requirements and they're looking for the perfect "product" to meet those requirements.

 

Shallow, sad - the impact of internet on relationships.

[Snakechammah]

You sound a bit angry at "us LS users". It's just an internet forum, no need to be so riled up. We are all losers in our own way.

 

I can see why you think that OLD may generate more players. I do agree with this statement. Maybe not all, of course, as life goes, but MOST.

 

I used to be pro-OLD. I met my ex bf the first time I tried OLD. It was mostly LDR. That didn't work out but it wasn't the fault of OLD. That's just a tool, a platform to meet people.

 

Anyway, I do agree that OLD has an influence on the way most people treat dating nowadays. It's the catalogue culture. I have to admit that after my OLD/LDR relationship broke down, I returned back to OLD again and was absolutely disappointed. I signed up for both Match and Badoo... and to date, only went out with one other guy from OLD.

 

The reason I only chose ONE measly guy to date from OLD was because I had the gut feeling that the messages I got from the other guys were from these wannabe-new-generation players. They were potential ghosters. I don't know. I could sense it. I have my roach feelers on.

 

I strongly dislike flakes and ghosters. I have not dated many people and have not really experienced being ghosted on BUT having been on LS for years now and reading threads after threads of all this bull****, it makes me super angry. I'd never do that to anyone and if someone does it to me, I'd find them and burn their house down! (Mod, I'm kidding ok..)

 

It's so sad that because OLD is prevalent in our culture now, the magic of natural approach is lost. People messaged people in Fb if they want to date. They 'like' someone's instagram or snapchat them. As an old fart, I dont use social media that much so I don't understand the hype. After my own OLD experience, I'd rather meet my potential victim, I mean future husband, through the natural route - in real life.

 

BUT - I must add this: my brother met my sister-in-law through OLD, my good friend married her LDR/OLD husband, and there are many zillion people out there met their true love online.... so for those who are honest, true and emotionally-stable, OLD WORKS. It really does. You just have to weed out the 95% crazies to find that 5% goodies.

 

I wish you all the best in finding your other half. Happy soon-to-be 2016!

[d0nnivain]

If you don't like OLD, stop using it. Meet people the old fashioned way in person. I didn't like the superficial nature of OLD for the brief time I was on it. I tried it. I hated it. I stopped. Problem solved.

[loveweary11]

I feel the op is pretty well accurate.

 

I felt the same thing he's describing happening to me, despite looking for a long term relationship.

 

You are just presented with so many more choices using electronic means of meeting people that you do tend to become a player as you are going through them all.

 

It dehumanizes the process. There are always more (possibly better) ones around the corner, so it devalues the ones you are currently talking to.

[Gloria25]

I feel the op is pretty well accurate.

 

I felt the same thing he's describing happening to me, despite looking for a long term relationship.

 

You are just presented with so many more choices using electronic means of meeting people that you do tend to become a player as you are going through them all.

 

It dehumanizes the process. There are always more (possibly better) ones around the corner, so it devalues the ones you are currently talking to.

 

I agree that it dehuminizes the process, but not to turn me into a player, I believe that I'mmore picky and probably passed up on an ok person cux their pics and/or profile sucked.

[PegNosePete]

I'mmore picky and probably passed up on an ok person cux their pics and/or profile sucked.

Yeah, but the same can be said for real life too. How many ok people did you pass up because their chat up lines sucked, they had a bad day, they didn't introduce themselves, or whatever?

 

When I first used POF, I had no idea how to create a proper profile, what pics to use, what women I should message, what I should say in those messages, nothing. Just using OLD becomes another skillset in itself, if a man is to have any success on there. I was passed up by pretty much every woman on POF, and in the real world, I have no problems getting dates with similar or better women. After I learned how to use OLD better, I started getting more dates on there.

Absolutely! It is a skill which must be learned. My first few profiles totally sucked. But when I learned how to use it well, I found it quite easy to get success. Since the majority of profiles suck monkey balls, it's not too difficult to get into the top 10%. But it's incredible how many people point-blank refuse to accept that, and think the system is broken, simply because they are failing to use it well.