Potential new guy, but feeling uneasy about letting go of my ex? :(

[rach0019]

Hi everybody!

 

So long story short my ex boyfriend/first love and I broke up about 8 months ago. I was crushed for a very long time because I was absolutely head over heels for him. After a long period of NC, we've become good friends again which is nice because we both mean a lot to eachother. Neither of us really wanted the breakup, but it was necessary due to some factors we couldn't control. Up until about a month ago, I was sure I still had feelings for him. I feel like a part of me always will. He's very special to me and still holds an important part in my life, but realistically, I can't wait around for him much longer because we can't be together right now realistically, so I really only have one choice, and that is to at least try to actively get over him as it's been too long.

 

I have a guy who I've been talking to who I get along with pretty well, and he wants to take me on a date. I'm hesitant, but I'm going to say yes. I'm just really scared, to be honest. It's almost like I don't want to let go of my ex, all the memories, and what we had, because doing this will basically be considered closing the book on all of that, although I know I need to do so at some point. This is the first time I've semi-seriously talked to a guy since the breakup, as it really stung to do so for months because I couldn't think of anyone but my ex. I fear that I'll never find the same kind of relationship that I had with him with someone else, which I know is unlikely because I'm only 17, but it's still very scary to me nonetheless. As weird as it is, I can't imagine being with someone else, and I know that that's 100% ridiculous. I'm just not sure what to do because I'm feeling pretty upset and anxious about the whole situation and it's making me uneasy. I'm the type of person who really, really cherishes relationships (whether with friends, family, or a significant other) and I've never really had this kind of experience where I've had to seriously let someone go and I'm finding it really difficult. It's almost like I can't comprehend the idea of just letting go of someone who meant/still means a lot to me. I also feel like the slight hope of us getting back together in the future if this situation ever changes is holding me back. I know that I'm too young to be this stuck on a guy, but for some reason I'm having a lot of difficulty just getting over it.

 

Help?

Edited December 29, 2015 by rach0019

[ExpatInItaly]

Go on the date. You're right that you will find other men who were just as good as or better than your ex. I remember I had the same feeling about an ex when I was exactly your age (and I'm 34 now); I feared I would never find someone like him. Boy, was I wrong about that!

 

But you're not going to like this part: you need to put some distance between you and your ex. It's nice that you're friendly and all but it's going to impede your healing and strain new relationships. How will you feel when he starts dating someone new? How would a new guy feel about you being good friends with your ex? Even if nothing comes of this new guy, you're doing yourself a disservice by staying in close contact with your ex. That's not to say you need to cut off contact altogether or be cold to him, but realistically, the current status won't do anything to help you move on.

[Tom01]

Hi, your story has proven to be an interesting read for me, based on my current siuation. Maybe if you read my post here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/563524-i-got-dumped-her-ex-boyfriend#post6709925, It will give you another angle on how to deal with your situation. Also any advice from you to me will help massively!

 

So here's what I think - your ex is an ex for a reason. It didn't work out for whatever reason, so you decided to end things. If he really wanted you, he'd do everything in his absolute power to keep you, know matter what the situation.

 

Now here's the part where you cannot let him fool you. He will find out that you're going on dates with this new guy and I promise you he'll become extremely jealous and contact you right away. This isn't because "he still cares" about you or whatever he may try and feed you, it's because his ego's been hurt and he still believes he's got some kind of ownership of you. If this new guy makes you happy when you're with him, treats you right and is a gentleman, then please, give him a chance. I promise you that if he is doing all the right things, then he likes you, and it'll hurt him more than you realize if you dropped him just because your ex has crawled back into the picture.

 

As you can probably tell, my character in your story is the "new guy" you're dating, so I've hopefully given you another point of view you can consider.

 

Be strong, don't go running to your ex if/when he calls. Give the new guy a chance.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi, your story has proven to be an interesting read for me, based on my current siuation. Maybe if you read my post here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/563524-i-got-dumped-her-ex-boyfriend#post6709925, It will give you another angle on how to deal with your situation. Also any advice from you to me will help massively!

 

So here's what I think - your ex is an ex for a reason. It didn't work out for whatever reason, so you decided to end things. If he really wanted you, he'd do everything in his absolute power to keep you, know matter what the situation.

 

Now here's the part where you cannot let him fool you. He will find out that you're going on dates with this new guy and I promise you he'll become extremely jealous and contact you right away. This isn't because "he still cares" about you or whatever he may try and feed you, it's because his ego's been hurt and he still believes he's got some kind of ownership of you. If this new guy makes you happy when you're with him, treats you right and is a gentleman, then please, give him a chance. I promise you that if he is doing all the right things, then he likes you, and it'll hurt him more than you realize if you dropped him just because your ex has crawled back into the picture.

 

As you can probably tell, my character in your story is the "new guy" you're dating, so I've hopefully given you another point of view you can consider.

 

Be strong, don't go running to your ex if/when he calls. Give the new guy a chance.

 

While I generally agree with most of what you said, I don't entirely agree with this guarantee that her ex will be back. There are plenty of instances (including one of my own) in which this certainly did not happen because when the ex dumped the person, they were really and truly over the relationship. I have also been the dumper who was not at all jealous when my ex moved on to a new woman, because I no longer felt the same way about my ex. I actually ran into him and his new girlfriend and we had a friendly chat with zero hard feelings.

 

I feel it was important to point this out so as not to give OP false hope that the ex will necessarily come back. Not all exes are like the one in your situation. But OP, please do take into consideration the other points Tom01 made - very valuable advice there.

[opalant]

I'm 18 and my first love/long term boyfriend broke up with me 7 months ago.

 

I too felt like he was 'the one' that I'd never find someone else and it's okay to feel that way because they were special to us, they're the only proper relationship we've had, but we also both know that thinking this is silly because we have years and years left on this planet and millions more people to meet.

 

Go on the date. If it's really that bad just go to the bathroom, get your friend to call you with an emergency and excuse yourself or something like that. You'll probably have a really good time though!

 

If you've both tried to sort out the relationship and the issue is still stopping you from being together hasn't changed then don't hold yourself back for him! Letting go of someone is hard, that finally push to actually go out on a date with someone else is awful, but after that first time it gets easier.

 

I think the reason why I was so scared of going on that first date was because of how comfortable I'd gotten with my ex and I missed that and was scared of something new. But your ex was a stranger to you too once and working up that comfort takes time, so give the new guy a chance.

 

Also make sure you're focusing on yourself too! Good luck!