losangelena Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Eh sounds so familiar : - not being able to open up - comfortable eat-tv-sex-sleep cycles, that's every Mon-Thu, no exception; add drive and watch a show/movie on the weekends. That's all. - fake(?) openness from his side in front of other people (note - in front of specific groups of people only - e.g. with his family he's terribly closed) Introversion: I'm a 100% an introvert, by any test. I think it is wrongly assumed introverts do not need meaningful communication, it is other way round... Anyway, he admitted yesterday he's closing up because of something - he didn't name it, but I assume he's butthurt over the fact that I defended someone that he calls an enemy a few days ago... Although all the described dynamics (or lack of it) started pretty much on the move-in day,not the aforementioned few days ago.. My stomach is clenched for you. God, I just remember that particular part of our relationship and how desolate it felt some of the time. It's like, why aren't you comfortable with me? I realized in hindsight that he wasn't comfortable with the entire relationship and that he probably felt a pressure to "perform" like a dutiful boyfriend. Slightly tangential, but have you ever heard of the enneagram? My ex is a totally Nine type, and the explanation of Nines in relationships was so spot on; it totally pegged my ex. Again, I'm not saying we're dating the same guy, but I'm not not saying that either. I feel your pain.
Gaeta Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Soon to be 10 months dating, 2 months living together. You're right it is not a big problem on its own, I just have the gut feeling there is more than being tired (like maybe hiding something or detaching for some reason)... and that's why it makes me anxious. Sweetie: It's time to ask him to move out. Give him up to last day of January. You've had a taste of what life is with him. Can you honestly say this is what you want for the rest of your life?
Author No_Go Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 You know, maybe that's my BF issue too - he's just not comfortable with me, and the opposite is also often true I'm afraid... Enneagram types: I scored highest on 4 (followed by 1 and 6) I did it for my BF and got 5 (followed by 8 and 6) Do you know what does this mean, relationship wise? My stomach is clenched for you. God, I just remember that particular part of our relationship and how desolate it felt some of the time. It's like, why aren't you comfortable with me? I realized in hindsight that he wasn't comfortable with the entire relationship and that he probably felt a pressure to "perform" like a dutiful boyfriend. Slightly tangential, but have you ever heard of the enneagram? My ex is a totally Nine type, and the explanation of Nines in relationships was so spot on; it totally pegged my ex. Again, I'm not saying we're dating the same guy, but I'm not not saying that either. I feel your pain.
Author No_Go Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 I though 2 months after moving in is pretty much adaptation time. However, if it continues to be the same in the next couple of months ... I know the answer. Lease is up in the spring anyway... Sweetie: It's time to ask him to move out. Give him up to last day of January. You've had a taste of what life is with him. Can you honestly say this is what you want for the rest of your life?
losangelena Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 You know, maybe that's my BF issue too - he's just not comfortable with me, and the opposite is also often true I'm afraid... Enneagram types: I scored highest on 4 (followed by 1 and 6) I did it for my BF and got 5 (followed by 8 and 6) Do you know what does this mean, relationship wise? I'm not sure, but does this sound familiar at all? https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/enneagram-type-4-type-5/ FWIW, I never tested the BF, but I'm a 9 and I'm pretty sure he is, too (which would actually be quite different from y'all, even though your BF and my ex sound so similar). 1
jen1447 Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 I'll take a different angle than the rest... This is who he is! If that isn't a good match FOR YOU/your style - then end it and move so you can find a guy more suitable for your needs. Expecting him to change who he is isn't reasonable or fair to him. Similar take - whether or not there's anything 'wrong' w/him or if his behavior's normal or not, your needs aren't being met. Sorry if you're not interested in relationship analysis but that seems like the bigger issue to me. Anyway, he admitted yesterday he's closing up because of something - he didn't name it, but I assume he's butthurt over the fact that I defended someone that he calls an enemy a few days ago... Although all the described dynamics (or lack of it) started pretty much on the move-in day,not the aforementioned few days ago.. Well that kinda changes everything. Now you have a reason, not just a feeling. If you're serious about background type stuff I can point you in the right direction. (I'd stay away from 3rd party online vendors in general, there are much better options.) 1
Author No_Go Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 Ha actually the Potential trouble spots paragraph 1 is kind of what I complained from in this thread! Although to be fair I've done the test in my lunch break and just estimated his answers so types can be wrong I'm not sure, but does this sound familiar at all? https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/enneagram-type-4-type-5/ FWIW, I never tested the BF, but I'm a 9 and I'm pretty sure he is, too (which would actually be quite different from y'all, even though your BF and my ex sound so similar).
Author No_Go Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 You're right there may be a bigger issue - I'm trying to decompose the problem to define it better. Ie I'm thinking are we totally incompatible or it is just a phase (for him but for me too - I changed recently employment, career path, immigration status, address - ie a lot of stress has accumulated) Please if you can help me for the background stuff it will be awesome. The common ones just show some speeding stuff nothing else Similar take - whether or not there's anything 'wrong' w/him or if his behavior's normal or not, your needs aren't being met. Sorry if you're not interested in relationship analysis but that seems like the bigger issue to me. Well that kinda changes everything. Now you have a reason, not just a feeling. If you're serious about background type stuff I can point you in the right direction. (I'd stay away from 3rd party online vendors in general, there are much better options.)
jen1447 Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Please if you can help me for the background stuff it will be awesome. The common ones just show some speeding stuff nothing else Where do you live (in general)?
Author No_Go Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 In Massachusetts. Where do you live (in general)? 1
jen1447 Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 In Massachusetts. K. Is he a lifetime or long-time resident there?
Author No_Go Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 No, I'll PM you because is tmi for public K. Is he a lifetime or long-time resident there?
losangelena Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Ha actually the Potential trouble spots paragraph 1 is kind of what I complained from in this thread! Although to be fair I've done the test in my lunch break and just estimated his answers so types can be wrong There is a page on that site that outlines type misidentification: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/misidentifying-5-and-9/ Maybe this sounds a bit like it? (just spitballing): https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/enneagram-type-4-type-9/ 1
Author No_Go Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 Hah, it is interesting but I guess my BF is not 9 because he doesn't trust people... Or at least thinks so (I noticed signs of over the top trusting on occasion) 4-9 sounds about right for most, not the communication part There is a page on that site that outlines type misidentification: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/misidentifying-5-and-9/ Maybe this sounds a bit like it? (just spitballing): https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/enneagram-type-4-type-9/
ExpatInItaly Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Given what you have described about his refusal to open up, fixation on the theme of forgiveness, needing to suppress his thoughts - yes, it sounds suspicious. You need to be direct with him and explain your uneasiness. I also get the sense there's something he's not telling you. I would not be comfortable with that feeling. You already live together, you should be able to talk about this. But honestly? You haven't been together very long. It shouldn't be so stagnant so soon. I have lived with two ex-boyfriends. It got this way toward the end of the relationships (after a few years) when we were drifting apart. I would have serious reservations about continuing this relationship, if I were you.
losangelena Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Given what you have described about his refusal to open up, fixation on the theme of forgiveness, needing to suppress his thoughts - yes, it sounds suspicious. You need to be direct with him and explain your uneasiness. I also get the sense there's something he's not telling you. I would not be comfortable with that feeling. You already live together, you should be able to talk about this. But honestly? You haven't been together very long. It shouldn't be so stagnant so soon. I have lived with two ex-boyfriends. It got this way toward the end of the relationships (after a few years) when we were drifting apart. I would have serious reservations about continuing this relationship, if I were you. Yeah ... I feel like it's interesting to ponder personality differences, but at the end of the day, do you see this dynamic changing? I mean, even if you say something, will he be less closed off? Will he even see a problem with it? If he's quiet because he's bothered by something but is only giving you crumbs, that's even worse in my mind! Because then you know his brooding is about *something* even if he doesn't have the decency to say something about it. When things got like that with my ex, I would try and get a bit of perspective by telegraphing whatever was going on into the future and be like, "Can I imagine living with this desolate, closed-off feeling, this non-communicative silence, for x-number of years?," and it depressed me to think about it. What an awful future!
Author No_Go Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Regarding closeness, I'm sure is either something bad or mental condition. I'm hoping for the second, I mean he said he was treated 10+ years for anxiety and depression, maybe have Aspergers which will explain some. My research on the side will exclude/confirm the rest. One thing to keep in mind: we moved forward very fast, I mean this was never intended to be casual dating scenario. In any case we'll decide what's going to happen by 1st year mark. I'm not a party person by any means, I'd love talking more, going out minimally if it was only up to me. Given what you have described about his refusal to open up, fixation on the theme of forgiveness, needing to suppress his thoughts - yes, it sounds suspicious. You need to be direct with him and explain your uneasiness. I also get the sense there's something he's not telling you. I would not be comfortable with that feeling. You already live together, you should be able to talk about this. But honestly? You haven't been together very long. It shouldn't be so stagnant so soon. I have lived with two ex-boyfriends. It got this way toward the end of the relationships (after a few years) when we were drifting apart. I would have serious reservations about continuing this relationship, if I were you.
Author No_Go Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Saying something leads to extra closeness. However, I'd say during our time together he made many adjustments to adapt to me. Eg he wasn't into cats and has allergies, but fully accepted my pet who's living with us. Also adjusted to me working late, so I'm always coming home to dinner that he prepared for me. Also I mentioned that I'm unhappy with his credit/money habits - we're discussing this all regularly in the past few weeks and he actually improved significantly. I think many of our problems come from his lack of experience... Somehow he's not used to share life with other human, but is making strides... Deep inside I hope it will all work out in the end, we've both put so much energy into it (yes, I understand it is not the typical fireworks relationship but I'm also not looking for that for many reasons) Yeah ... I feel like it's interesting to ponder personality differences, but at the end of the day, do you see this dynamic changing? I mean, even if you say something, will he be less closed off? Will he even see a problem with it? If he's quiet because he's bothered by something but is only giving you crumbs, that's even worse in my mind! Because then you know his brooding is about *something* even if he doesn't have the decency to say something about it. When things got like that with my ex, I would try and get a bit of perspective by telegraphing whatever was going on into the future and be like, "Can I imagine living with this desolate, closed-off feeling, this non-communicative silence, for x-number of years?," and it depressed me to think about it. What an awful future!
Myragal Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I read the first few posts about 'meaningful' conversation. What is that..specifics? My experience is that we gals can get tiresome to a male partner with 'meaningful' conversation. We stop being a 'girlfriend! and turn into our mothers (or his). Perhaps meaningful to him is talking about the football game or latest Star Wars movie. Do you do that? Probably not. Instead we can start being tedious with endless talk about the need to communicate, relationship, etc. Guys will nod and retreat into a world to escape what they can perceive as 'here we go again'. Anyways. 'Meaningful' stuff comes up when things are loose...nice and easy. After doing something fun, sex or laughing at a movie together. There is no tension and no pressure. If your guy has become withdrawn and less talkative than when you first dated then don't assume he is some lesser being. Are you the fun partner from when you both met? Spend as much time trying to look great? Take interest in his hobbies?
Author No_Go Posted January 1, 2016 Author Posted January 1, 2016 You may be on a point. I remember a platonic guy friend of mine sharing his ideal for woman is a one that do not talk too much My so called meaningful topics are the ones discussing future goals or past experiences. Present events - not so much, although I do enjoy complaining about work and traffic on occasion But not having in depth talks about future aspirations and past experiences just leave me disconnected, with my BF and anybody else to be fair I read the first few posts about 'meaningful' conversation. What is that..specifics? My experience is that we gals can get tiresome to a male partner with 'meaningful' conversation. We stop being a 'girlfriend! and turn into our mothers (or his). Perhaps meaningful to him is talking about the football game or latest Star Wars movie. Do you do that? Probably not. Instead we can start being tedious with endless talk about the need to communicate, relationship, etc. Guys will nod and retreat into a world to escape what they can perceive as 'here we go again'. Anyways. 'Meaningful' stuff comes up when things are loose...nice and easy. After doing something fun, sex or laughing at a movie together. There is no tension and no pressure. If your guy has become withdrawn and less talkative than when you first dated then don't assume he is some lesser being. Are you the fun partner from when you both met? Spend as much time trying to look great? Take interest in his hobbies?
Recommended Posts