itisdanielle Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 (edited) I've posted before with my break up 'story', but long story short is; 3 year relationship, he breaks up with me at the beginning of October and a few weeks later I found out he cheated on me with one of our mutual friends. In terms of us breaking up, I'm proud of my progress. I'm fine on my own, don't feel the urge to contact him and am not that bothered that he has not contacted me. I was relieved he didn't reach out at Christmas. I've made a lot of positive changes to my life, made new friends, good progress at uni, picked up some new hobbies. My problem is not the fact we broke up, my problem is dealing with that he cheated. I don't want him back, I don't want or deserve to be with someone that would cheat and would let me find out from someone else. Sure, sometimes I do miss our conversation as we were best friends. Toward the end he got a little distant and things were difficult because we were both really busy with travel and working for a few months. I never expected that he could cheat. Even when we broke up it never crossed my mind 'oh I wonder if he's met someone else?'. My friends and family were equally shocked and after a lot of thought I honestly don't think I missed any signs. How do you move on from someone cheating? I don't want it to affect me trusting in the future because I would never let myself blame a new man for the mistakes of an old boyfriend. But I feel like now that it has happened, it's always going to be in the back of my mind that it could happen again. Why do people cheat? I see it so clearly that if you get to the point of wanting to cheat, why not end your relationship? Has anyone got any advice? Personal experiences? Edited December 28, 2015 by itisdanielle
GingerVixen Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I've posted before with my break up 'story', but long story short is; 3 year relationship, he breaks up with me at the beginning of October and a few weeks later I found out he cheated on me with one of our mutual friends. In terms of us breaking up, I'm proud of my progress. I'm fine on my own, don't feel the urge to contact him and am not that bothered that he has not contacted me. I was relieved he didn't reach out at Christmas. I've made a lot of positive changes to my life, made new friends, good progress at uni, picked up some new hobbies. My problem is not the fact we broke up, my problem is dealing with that he cheated. I don't want him back, I don't want or deserve to be with someone that would cheat and would let me find out from someone else. Sure, sometimes I do miss our conversation as we were best friends. Toward the end he got a little distant and things were difficult because we were both really busy with travel and working for a few months. I never expected that he could cheat. Even when we broke up it never crossed my mind 'oh I wonder if he's met someone else?'. My friends and family were equally shocked and after a lot of thought I honestly don't think I missed any signs. How do you move on from someone cheating? I don't want it to affect me trusting in the future because I would never let myself blame a new man for the mistakes of an old boyfriend. But I feel like now that it has happened, it's always going to be in the back of my mind that it could happen again. Why do people cheat? I see it so clearly that if you get to the point of wanting to cheat, why not end your relationship? Has anyone got any advice? Personal experiences? A woman may be the most beautiful or interesting woman in the world , if a guy wants to cheat on her, he will. (HALLE BERRY WAS CHEATED ON!) Anyway... it was not because you weren't beautiful enough or interesting enough. It WAS because of many of these reasons - one of them or possibly more than one : 1. He found the relationship boring - not because YOU WERE boring, but because he found having a girlfriend boring, he wanted a taste of the single life again 2. He wanted an ego booster, he wanted to feel he could seduce ladies again 3. He wanted sexual variety 4. He is a horndog and even if he has sexual variety with you, he wants to have sex with other women too 5. He has become interested in someone else - I don't think this is the case - is he still dating this other girl?? Either way... You don't want to be with a cheater. It's never worth it. Being in a relationship is all about taking risks. That is true not only in romantic relationships but also in friendships. You can never be 100% sure that you won't get hurt. So, the key to be happy in a relationship and not be afraid to get emotionally involved, in my opinion, consists of two things: 1. DO NOT HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS - do not expect people to love you forever, to do what you expect to do, to be loyal, faithful, etc. Have in mind that one day they may leave you and that you have to accept it as a natural process in life - life is all about gains and losses - some people come and other go. Learn how to deal with it 2. LIVE THE PRESENT - don't obsess with someone's past and don't become paranoid about the future. If you're with a guy and everything is fine, don't keep thinking 'oh what if he cheats on me one day??' Don't do that. Don't close your heart and don't ruin nice relationships because of paranoia. 3
Author itisdanielle Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 A woman may be the most beautiful or interesting woman in the world , if a guy wants to cheat on her, he will. (HALLE BERRY WAS CHEATED ON!) Anyway... it was not because you weren't beautiful enough or interesting enough. It WAS because of many of these reasons - one of them or possibly more than one : 1. He found the relationship boring - not because YOU WERE boring, but because he found having a girlfriend boring, he wanted a taste of the single life again 2. He wanted an ego booster, he wanted to feel he could seduce ladies again 3. He wanted sexual variety 4. He is a horndog and even if he has sexual variety with you, he wants to have sex with other women too 5. He has become interested in someone else - I don't think this is the case - is he still dating this other girl?? Either way... You don't want to be with a cheater. It's never worth it. Being in a relationship is all about taking risks. That is true not only in romantic relationships but also in friendships. You can never be 100% sure that you won't get hurt. So, the key to be happy in a relationship and not be afraid to get emotionally involved, in my opinion, consists of two things: 1. DO NOT HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS - do not expect people to love you forever, to do what you expect to do, to be loyal, faithful, etc. Have in mind that one day they may leave you and that you have to accept it as a natural process in life - life is all about gains and losses - some people come and other go. Learn how to deal with it 2. LIVE THE PRESENT - don't obsess with someone's past and don't become paranoid about the future. If you're with a guy and everything is fine, don't keep thinking 'oh what if he cheats on me one day??' Don't do that. Don't close your heart and don't ruin nice relationships because of paranoia. That was a really great post to read, thank you. I loved the Halle Berry bit. I kept telling myself 'okay, someone cheated on Eva Longoria and Jennifer Aniston..' haha. I have no idea whether he is dating her. I blocked both of them and asked people to stop telling me about them. The last I heard he had said that he would probably sleep with her in the future but it was just physical.. so yeah, I have no idea. It's the betrayal that I can't handle. If he had decided he wasn't happy, spoke to me about it and then ended it - yeah I would have been upset but it can't be avoided. I wouldn't want him to be with me if he wasn't happy. But cheating CAN be avoided and he still chose to do it. It was such an out of character behaviour for him though. As angry as I am at him I know that he is a good person that did a bad thing. When he broke up with me he told me he had been feeling depressed and needed to be on his own because he didn't like the person he was becoming. But then again, I don't think you can ever believe what people tell you when they are breaking up with you.
GingerVixen Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 That was a really great post to read, thank you. I loved the Halle Berry bit. I kept telling myself 'okay, someone cheated on Eva Longoria and Jennifer Aniston..' haha. I have no idea whether he is dating her. I blocked both of them and asked people to stop telling me about them. The last I heard he had said that he would probably sleep with her in the future but it was just physical.. so yeah, I have no idea. It's the betrayal that I can't handle. If he had decided he wasn't happy, spoke to me about it and then ended it - yeah I would have been upset but it can't be avoided. I wouldn't want him to be with me if he wasn't happy. But cheating CAN be avoided and he still chose to do it. It was such an out of character behaviour for him though. As angry as I am at him I know that he is a good person that did a bad thing. When he broke up with me he told me he had been feeling depressed and needed to be on his own because he didn't like the person he was becoming. But then again, I don't think you can ever believe what people tell you when they are breaking up with you. You're welcome, I am glad I can help. Well you have to consider the possibility that perhaps he broke up with you because he had already cheated on you with that girl. Honestly it seems that he was tired of the whole "being in a serious relationship" thing... he eventually got bored and wanted to try new things. The way you talk about him makes me think he doesn't even know who he really is. If he is not even 100% sure of who he really is, he will never be sure of what kind of woman he wants , or what kind of relationship he wants. He sounds immature to me. "I don't like the person I have become" --> sounds like something an immature, insecure person would say. He is still finding who really is. I think you're better off without him. 1
minimariah Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 ...I honestly don't think I missed any signs. you didn't -- you saw the signs but never connected them to cheating. But I feel like now that it has happened, it's always going to be in the back of my mind that it could happen again. of course it could happen again. we never know what tomorrow brings us. that's why every relationship we enter is a RISK - you CHOOSE to believe that your lover won't cheat on you, that he will be and stay honest... and time shows if your risk was worth it or not. you should expect your partner to be faithful - but don't ever blindly believe in them. you gotta keep a healthy dose of realistic in every single relationship and the truth is... when a perfect storm comes along - ANYONE can cheat. people change, they find themselves in some situations they didn't think they'll be, they're weak and they fail. as simple as that. and hopefully, they learn from it. Why do people cheat? I see it so clearly that if you get to the point of wanting to cheat, why not end your relationship? i think you test your "cheating" abilities when you find yourself in a situation when there is a tempation and a relationship that you're not really happy in BUT don't want to leave. in your situation, i think cheating helped your boyfriend make a final decision... why didn't he just end it? he's probably immature, doesn't really know how to communicate about some SERIOUS problems - after all, it's not easy to confront your partner and tell them about the doubts you have because you don't want to hurt them. he probably thought you won't find out. cheating isn't out of character for anyone - that's my personal opinion. like i said; people change and they find themselves in different situations and they do things that swore they wouldn't, they do the things they were SURE they won't do. it's how it goes in life. also -- asume that him and the girl are already in a relationship; he's probably doing the damage control with the entire "it's just sex" story. it will also help you move on and won't be a huge shock if you find out that they truly are together. how to get over the betrayal...? well... with time PLUS you can maybe run some kind of diary. analyze, analzy eand think about it until it bores you and until it, again, becomes a non factor in your life. forgive him. you were right - he is probably a good guy who made a mistake. and that's something that's on HIM. just like you said -- even gorgeous girls like Longoria, Halle... Christie Brinkley! got cheated on. in fact, probably every other woman globally got cheated on. it's just something that happens, you know? don't stress too much over it. don't worry too much over it. nothing you can do about it, nothing you can do to prevent someone cheating on you. you keep your eyes open and pick yourself a partner you know is worthy of you. and then... you see how it goes. 2
Author itisdanielle Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 You're welcome, I am glad I can help. Well you have to consider the possibility that perhaps he broke up with you because he had already cheated on you with that girl. Honestly it seems that he was tired of the whole "being in a serious relationship" thing... he eventually got bored and wanted to try new things. The way you talk about him makes me think he doesn't even know who he really is. If he is not even 100% sure of who he really is, he will never be sure of what kind of woman he wants , or what kind of relationship he wants. He sounds immature to me. "I don't like the person I have become" --> sounds like something an immature, insecure person would say. He is still finding who really is. I think you're better off without him. Yeah I definitely think part of the reason he ended it was because he cheated. It happened a couple of weeks before we broke up. I also think it gave him a bit of an ego boost and he thought he would have girls queuing for him in the single life.. I guess it doesn't really matter why he ended it, it doesn't really change anything and there is no way that I can ever know for sure. 1. DO NOT HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS - do not expect people to love you forever, to do what you expect to do, to be loyal, faithful, etc. Have in mind that one day they may leave you and that you have to accept it as a natural process in life - life is all about gains and losses - some people come and other go. Learn how to deal with it 2. LIVE THE PRESENT - don't obsess with someone's past and don't become paranoid about the future. If you're with a guy and everything is fine, don't keep thinking 'oh what if he cheats on me one day??' Don't do that. Don't close your heart and don't ruin nice relationships because of paranoia. I think this is great advice from your first post, it's just hard to put into practice. It seems depressing to have an outlook that you can never 100% trust someone not to cheat. I understand that there is always a possibility of relationships not working out, but how do you get close to someone with the outlook of 'oh one day they might cheat on me'?
minimariah Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 I understand that there is always a possibility of relationships not working out, but how do you get close to someone with the outlook of 'oh one day they might cheat on me'? you take a leap of faith. you take a risk and you BELIEVE them that they won't cheat. they might cheat, they might turn out to be gay, they might die ten days later... you can't possibly know what will or won't happen. so it's best to just let it go. trusting someone doesn't mean blindly believing in things they won't or will do - you TRUST them because you DON'T know what will they do or won't do. if you knew for sure that the person won't cheat on you - it would be a fact, you wouldn't have to believe in it. from my personal experience -- relationships where people are aware of threats and possible affairs, where they are aware of their own vulnerability... are actually stronger than the "he won't cheat on me, i'm sure about it" relationships. be open about discussions about cheating. talk about it with your partner, talk about opinions, about how and why it happens, about the complexity of affairs in general... keep that conversation going. don't let it be a taboo of sorts for your relationship. the more you talk about it - the less of a big deal it becomes.
Author itisdanielle Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 of course it could happen again. we never know what tomorrow brings us. that's why every relationship we enter is a RISK - you CHOOSE to believe that your lover won't cheat on you, that he will be and stay honest... and time shows if your risk was worth it or not. you should expect your partner to be faithful - but don't ever blindly believe in them. you gotta keep a healthy dose of realistic in every single relationship I really needed to read that. I'm actually going to write that down to reread. I'm so put off from dating and relationships. It's only been 3 months, and I'm quite happy being single, so no rush I guess. Also, what you said about not connecting the signs to cheating reminded me of something I had forgotten. He cheated while I was away on a research trip. We kept in touch while I was there, and I remember getting a weird vibe from him. I said to one of my friends 'I have no idea why, but I get this feeling he's going to breakup with me when I'm home.' Funnily enough, (or not so funny, really) he did. I still never connected it to cheating, though. I guess we do get signs..
minimariah Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 I guess we do get signs.. absolutely. no one ever connects it to cheating, no worries. it's only AFTER they cheat that you have that AHA! moment. we all usually have the gut feeling & weird vibes and that akward uneasiness... and sometimes, it really is just our paranoia. but MOST times - we feel that something is going on. but we believe and love and don't want to think about our partner cheating - 9/10 times there is someone else present in a break up. people RARELY leave on their own, that's just how it is. there are some amazing guys out there, who won't cheat on you. who will make you SUPER happy, so don't give up. they're the ones worth taking a risk for!
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