How the tables have turned - from Dumpee to Dumper

[CripplingMe]

I'd say it's no easier being a dumper than a dumpee. Why? Because you still feel a sense of unbearable loss either way. The tears still hurt the same.

 

I posted on this forum about 12 months ago. I was dumped by my boyfriend of 4 years because he was going through a period of depression. He did - after a period of 3 weeks - ask for me back, and I took him back because I loved him, I still do.

 

I'm sitting here alone in my flat and I last saw him this morning. To say I feel sick and alone is a massive understatement.

 

When I took him back after those 3 weeks, the pain just disappeared like that. Over the proceeding months he would express his love for me and show remorse for what he had done (second time around by the way). I was deeply hurt, not just because he dumped me, but because I found out he quickly slept with a younger girl within a matter of a couple of days. It broke me, so, it took a while to heal and trust again.

 

Several months after we got back together, he began to show signs of taking me for granted again, and I felt I was giving so much in the relationship for little return. The straw broke the proverbial camel's back a few months ago when I expressed how upset I was he was expecting too much of me (he started his own business and I was bending over backwards to help - aswell as having a full time job of my own AND travelling to see him every other weekend). He completely disregarded my feelings and told me not to disrespect his business. It was an awful argument and I was sobbing with complete and utter pain. Subsequently, I took a day off work because I was emotionally wrecked. Since then, i had been travelling up to see him every other weekend, helping him out with his business (he can only work weekends with the nature of his business), and the time we used to have together - that was very precious in a long distance relationship - no longer existed. It became weekends of helping him with the business and no longer quality time we needed as a couple.

 

Our goal was to move in together next year, when he would be earning enough of a salary for us to contribute equally. So, the last few months I found exhausting, emotionally so, because I felt neglected and was giving so much (I was doing the travelling and paying for it). He was still affectionate and loving, dont get me wrong. I just began to feel a little resentful. Part of me would argue that it's not his fault he's trying to make something of his life, something he feels so passionate about.

 

I became so unhappy that a couple of days before christmas (he stayed with me over christmas), i didn't want to even have sex with him anymore, as I felt emotionally disconnected. He didn't want the relationship to end, and when he left today, he asked me to go back with him. I couldn't do it. I don't think neither him or his family probably expected this from me. From a girlfriend who has been completely dedicated, loyal, supportive (emotionally and financially) for 5 years - even took him back twice when he dumped me. I think something clicked inside me.

 

Nonetheless, I still love him. I do. I don't feel ashamed of that at all. Despite his misgivings, he loved deeply and I know he still does. I suppose im hurt and angry he allowed me to get to this point where I let him go this time. How could he allow such a thing to happen? A good girl, with a good heart who stuck by him all this time?

 

Do you know what makes this even harder? The fact that there's a stereotypical good guy who is waiting in the wings for me. Who is unequivocally in love with me and has waited months for me to be in this position. On paper, we fit.. I haven't done nothing. I'm still heart broken and hurt over the guy i still love.

 

So guys and gals, this is to demonstrate that life can present some very unexpected challenges and turn-up-for-the-books within such a short space of time. So whether you're a dumpee or dumper, so much can happen within a 12 month period....

[Itspointless]

He completely disregarded my feelings and told me not to disrespect his business. It was an awful argument and I was sobbing with complete and utter pain.[...] He was still affectionate and loving, dont get me wrong. I just began to feel a little resentful. [...] i didn't want to even have sex with him anymore, as I felt emotionally disconnected. He didn't want the relationship to end [...] Do you know what makes this even harder? The fact that there's a stereotypical good guy who is waiting in the wings for me.

I find your story a bit confusing. He was disrespectful of your needs but loving? So the communication of you two was bad? Communication is important. And where does that guy in the wings come from? Also why does that make it harder?

[CripplingMe]

I find your story a bit confusing. He was disrespectful of your needs but loving? So the communication of you two was bad? Communication is important. And where does that guy in the wings come from? Also why does that make it harder?

 

Loving as in, when we were together, he was very tactile and affectionate. It was only occasionally, when apart, was he disrespectful of my needs (need to feel i had already given enough in the relationship). I communicated what i felt if I felt neglected, but he would not realise/acknowledge my unhappiness of an issue if I was upset.

 

It makes it harder because I didn't want there to be a guy in the wings as it confuses me emotionally even more. I.e. I still love my ex, but know this other guy is totally good for me and I can't give him what he wants (my love). I feel for him because it's essentially unrequited love - I can't give him what he wants if my heart is still with someone else. I feel bad.

 

I'm not expecting clear cut answers, I was just venting I suppose! lol

 

I appreciate you're confused and I am grateful you have taken the time to respond.

[GingerVixen]

What you have to learn from this relationship is:

 

1. Don't act as if you were a guy's wife if you're not his wife. Don't leave everything behind to help a guy with his business or anything, let alone FINANCIALLY. You're NOT his wife. Don't act as if you were. That's why he took you for granted. You were playing a role he hadn't given you.

 

2. Don't wait for FOUR years to realize that person is not the one. I think you had seen the signs and the red flags before, but you decided to ignore them.

 

Good luck with your next relationship... Best wishes.

[CripplingMe]

What you have to learn from this relationship is:

 

1. Don't act as if you were a guy's wife if you're not his wife. Don't leave everything behind to help a guy with his business or anything, let alone FINANCIALLY. You're NOT his wife. Don't act as if you were. That's why he took you for granted. You were playing a role he hadn't given you.

 

2. Don't wait for FOUR years to realize that person is not the one. I think you had seen the signs and the red flags before, but you decided to ignore them.

 

Good luck with your next relationship... Best wishes.

 

Words well spoken - thank you.

[Itspointless]

Loving as in, when we were together, he was very tactile and affectionate. It was only occasionally, when apart, was he disrespectful of my needs (need to feel i had already given enough in the relationship). I communicated what i felt if I felt neglected, but he would not realise/acknowledge my unhappiness of an issue if I was upset.

 

It makes it harder because I didn't want there to be a guy in the wings as it confuses me emotionally even more. I.e. I still love my ex, but know this other guy is totally good for me and I can't give him what he wants (my love). I feel for him because it's essentially unrequited love - I can't give him what he wants if my heart is still with someone else. I feel bad.

 

I'm not expecting clear cut answers, I was just venting I suppose! lol

 

I appreciate you're confused and I am grateful you have taken the time to respond.

Venting is important. Him closing of at important moments also was a problem the first time around. He still might have been affectionate, but him dismissing your needs is not good. So I guess in the end it always was about him, round one and round two.

 

And yes you might be loyal and supportive. But I wonder is that your natural disposition, helping others, trying hard, forgiving? Just like you are not responsible for that other guy, he is responsible.

[Kevin_D]

Do you know what makes this even harder? The fact that there's a stereotypical good guy who is waiting in the wings for me. Who is unequivocally in love with me and has waited months for me to be in this position.

 

Good guys don't show interest in women who have been in a relationship for 4 years. You are talking about a homewrecker, which is the opposite of a good guy.

 

For some obscure reason, many women don't seem to get this. When I asked my girlfriend why she dumped her boyfriend of 4 years, she told me that "another guy made her realise that she deserved more". This just blows my mind. Really. If I would try to steal somebody's girlfriend, of course I would try to make it seem like I was a better deal. But in reality, the mere fact that I'm hitting on someone who is in a relationship, is proof that I have no morals whatsoever.

 

Let me tell you, I don't even consider myself a very good guy, because I'm jealous and selfish in many ways... but the moment a find out that a woman I'm interested has a boyfriend, I'm out of there. I couldn't never live with myself knowing that I was a part of ruining a long term relationship. It also tells me something about the woman; If she keeps talking to me, even though she's interested in me and knows I'm interested in her, it's basically cheating. No wait a minute, it IS cheating.

 

If you have any dignity... If you get any sorts of feeling for another person while in a relationship... OR... if that person has any sorts of feelings for you... you cut contact and work on your current relationship instead. Triangulation is for narcissistic wimps. We are better than that, right?

[CripplingMe]

Good guys don't show interest in women who have been in a relationship for 4 years. You are talking about a homewrecker, which is the opposite of a good guy.

 

For some obscure reason, many women don't seem to get this. When I asked my girlfriend why she dumped her boyfriend of 4 years, she told me that "another guy made her realise that she deserved more". This just blows my mind. Really. If I would try to steal somebody's girlfriend, of course I would try to make it seem like I was a better deal. But in reality, the mere fact that I'm hitting on someone who is in a relationship, is proof that I have no morals whatsoever.

 

Let me tell you, I don't even consider myself a very good guy, because I'm jealous and selfish in many ways... but the moment a find out that a woman I'm interested has a boyfriend, I'm out of there. I couldn't never live with myself knowing that I was a part of ruining a long term relationship. It also tells me something about the woman; If she keeps talking to me, even though she's interested in me and knows I'm interested in her, it's basically cheating. No wait a minute, it IS cheating.

 

If you have any dignity... If you get any sorts of feeling for another person while in a relationship... OR... if that person has any sorts of feelings for you... you cut contact and work on your current relationship instead. Triangulation is for narcissistic wimps. We are better than that, right?

 

I appreciate your response thank you

 

One comment that stuck out to me was 'work on your current relationship'. I have done nothing but that for 5 years. My ex went through a period of drinking too much combined with depression, he gambled for a period of time and he has for the majority of the relationship never had a job. I have given and committed to the relationship beyond what was necessary.

 

This other guy, has merely proclaimed how he feels about me, nothing else. He knew I wasn't happy in my relationship for a while. Yes, on paper, we are a better fit (he's slightly older than me, whereas my ex is several years younger than me in his late twenties). In regards to values, attitudes and behaviours, this other guy has already matured in that respect.

 

Nonetheless, I am not looking through rose tinted glasses. I am very much aware he won't solve any problems in and of myself.

 

I guess I'm deeply hurt because ALL I EVER WANTED was to live with my ex, share a home together, which was always an obstacle because he never had a regular income. I wasn't prepared to make the move until he had financial security of his own. He has started his own business recently in the last few months, and well, it can take months and months to take a decent salary. The prospect of us living together seemed so out of reach and I guess I was so emotionally exhausted through the travelling to see him and helping him of a weekend that I couldn't take it anymore...

[ExtraSpice]

I find it interesting how we tend to give ourselves to our significant others in a relationship. We concentrate on them, leave parts of our old life behind and then when it ends it becomes very difficult to rebuild what you once had.

 

For example I know I can find someone else, maybe better maybe not, but I know it is not probable that I will be alone. But that is not the problem, the problem is that I don't want to find someone else. I want that person. I am already comfortable with them, I already know them. I don't want to start all over. And that thought is a big speed bump in the healing process. One that I need to overcome as well.

 

But if I were to guess what Kevin_D meant by his comment of 'work on your current relationship' is not to give yourself to this new guy. But to just go with the flow, keeping in mind the lessons you learnt from your previous relationship. Don't dedicate yourself to him, don't make him your life, just a part of it. Concentrate on yourself but give yourself some time to enjoy with this new guy.

 

Just my input, but of course you know yourself and your own situation better than everybody else. So just make sure you make a decision that will benefit your life moving forward. Best of luck!

[Itspointless]

the moment a find out that a woman I'm interested has a boyfriend, I'm out of there.

Yes Kevin, that always has blown my mind too. I am in my mid thirties and still do not understand such behaviour (not saying anything about that guy in the wings here with this comment). But matter of fact is that through the years I have concluded that many men (and women) are like this. It always demoralizes me a bit when I hear people tell certain stories to me. Some people only go for the win. Stay true to you own morals though.

 

I like what ExtraSpice is saying, it adds to my comment about the way you (CripplingMe) seem to want to help your partner. It is hard not to do that without giving up your own needs, I also can make that mistake far to easy. I wouldn't concentrate on that guy right now, perhaps you better be alone for now until someone else surprises you because he wants to walk life together with you. Someone who mentions this to you when you still are with someone else would not earn my trust to be honest to you.