lakerman34 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 So, I've been seeing this girl for 6 months. From the very beginning, we both said that it wasn't serious -- just FWB. If it ever were to get serious, we'd break it off. It started to FEEL like a relationship. Then, she started getting distant. I'd leave her house some mornings feeling empty. This past week, I got VERY anxious about the breakup. I knew it was coming. She knew it was coming. Day after XMas, I went to her house, and we ended it. "We were never in a relationship." "I don't want a boyfriend in my life right now." "Too many expectations were put on the relationship." What made the whole thing weird was I expected it to be a LOT more emotional. Crying in each others arms. Sure, it was a LITTLE emotional, but we talked it out, and then we just hung out, got food. I didn't think I could be friends with her (needing to go No Contact), but I'm very OK with the way it ended. It was almost a relief to both of us. But then, this happened. That very night, she started texting me. An issue I've been having with her is that she NEVER texted me. Ever. She was asking me for recommendations for Netflix. She told me about a show she found and how I HAVE to watch it. She was sending 5 texts before I could send 1. VERY weird. Then, the next day, I found a book in my roommates' libraries on her very specific interest. I Snapchatted her a picture of the cover of the book. She responded, "OHMYGOD I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU! Talk about synchronicity!" Then that night, at around 11PM, she sent me a kissy-face emoticon. I responded with a smiley face. I'm VERY OK with the way things going. I think I realize that we were just friends that have LOADS of compatibility, but no chemistry right now. We were just very good friends that have sex. For some reason, I thought that HAD to be a relationship, but now that it isn't, I'm OK with it. We live in New Orleans. She has been here for years. Me, about a year and a half. We are planning on doing Mardi Gras together (mostly because she is an expert on where to go and when, what to bring, that sort of thing). I'm REALLY excited, but if it doesn't happen, I'd be OK because I have other friends. I have no emotion about this except relief and love. Not the kind of romantic love, but another kind. I don't know. Call it caring for deeply? It's weird. Still, it is a little bit confusing to me. Thoughts? Maybe this was more of a "need to tell someone" sort of deal than an actual "looking for answers" type of thing.
Nickr3023 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Yeah this is definitely an interesting case. It really just sounds like neither of you were really "emotionally" invested in one another, as if you were one of you would be having a very difficult time with this. If you're both comfortable with what you were before, and you're comfortable with what you are now....then just roll with it. HOWEVER, it'll be very interesting to see what happens when one you meets another person that you would want to be in a relationship with. That's when I think the wheels will fall off whatever it is you have going now. Just my thoughts. 1
Author lakerman34 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Yeah this is definitely an interesting case. It really just sounds like neither of you were really "emotionally" invested in one another, as if you were one of you would be having a very difficult time with this. If you're both comfortable with what you were before, and you're comfortable with what you are now....then just roll with it. HOWEVER, it'll be very interesting to see what happens when one you meets another person that you would want to be in a relationship with. That's when I think the wheels will fall off whatever it is you have going now. Just my thoughts. Yeah, I brought this up with her. She said she had 0 intention in getting involved with another guy, and besides, doesn't have the time. If I get involved with another girl, she doesn't have to know about it.
Nickr3023 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I guess I just don't see that anything's really changed. Has it? Are you still friends? If you weren't emotionally invested were you ever in a relationship? Was it just physical for the sex? If it was, nothing wrong with that, as long as you're both on the same page with it. Sounds like the best thing to do would be to just throw everything out on the table with each other and put an exact label on what it is you guys are doing....this way there's no confusion from here on out with either of you.
Author lakerman34 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 I guess I just don't see that anything's really changed. Has it? Are you still friends? If you weren't emotionally invested were you ever in a relationship? Was it just physical for the sex? If it was, nothing wrong with that, as long as you're both on the same page with it. Sounds like the best thing to do would be to just throw everything out on the table with each other and put an exact label on what it is you guys are doing....this way there's no confusion from here on out with either of you. Yep. We did that, and we are taking time to get emotions cleared and then are going to remain friends. Worth noting, on BU Day, she was very surprised with how much I cared for her, and prior to BU Day, we didn't see each other for 10 days. We both knew it was coming, so I think we both were already emotionally prepared for it. I just expected it to be a thousand times more difficult than what it was. The anticipation was WAY worse.
Nickr3023 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Yep. We did that, and we are taking time to get emotions cleared and then are going to remain friends. Worth noting, on BU Day, she was very surprised with how much I cared for her, and prior to BU Day, we didn't see each other for 10 days. We both knew it was coming, so I think we both were already emotionally prepared for it. I just expected it to be a thousand times more difficult than what it was. The anticipation was WAY worse. Sounds like if you can remain friends, more power to ya. Seems like you have this pretty well figured out honestly. Granted things could change in your mind quickly, but right now seems like you got a good head on your shoulders and everything is pretty clear.
Itspointless Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 It sounds to me like two people denying there feelings, she in particular. Better not go there though: she needs to figure herself out.
kidm Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 She said she had 0 intention in getting involved with another guy, and besides, doesn't have the time. If I get involved with another girl, she doesn't have to know about it. The website is littered with the emotional turmoil and devastation of dumpees who believed such sentiments only to find out down the road the dumper met someone "unexpectedly" and is happily in a relationship. Granted, you were never really in a relationship and it was a mutual breakup and you sound like you wouldn't care if that happened so no issues there. Enjoy it while it lasts.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Yeah, I brought this up with her. She said she had 0 intention in getting involved with another guy, and besides, doesn't have the time. If I get involved with another girl, she doesn't have to know about it. Sooner or later, one of you will meet someone else. Of course she says she has no intention, but she isn't going to stay in this arrangement with you forever either. Also, if you meet another girl, this one is going to wonder why you're not coming around anymore. How do you plan to keep that from her? I ask because I had a FWB for a little under a year. Then I met a wonderful man, and I was interested in pursuing a relationship with him. Of course my FWB asked where I'd gone when he noticed I wasn't getting in touch anymore. I was honest and told him I'd met someone and that we couldn't continue seeing each other. And that was that. I think you're both kind of playing with fire, because it sounds like you are more invested than she is. Is there a specific reason you decided not to take it to the next level?
Author lakerman34 Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 (edited) Sooner or later, one of you will meet someone else. Of course she says she has no intention, but she isn't going to stay in this arrangement with you forever either. Also, if you meet another girl, this one is going to wonder why you're not coming around anymore. How do you plan to keep that from her? I ask because I had a FWB for a little under a year. Then I met a wonderful man, and I was interested in pursuing a relationship with him. Of course my FWB asked where I'd gone when he noticed I wasn't getting in touch anymore. I was honest and told him I'd met someone and that we couldn't continue seeing each other. And that was that. I think you're both kind of playing with fire, because it sounds like you are more invested than she is. Is there a specific reason you decided not to take it to the next level? It actually looked as if we were dating. One night, she asked, "wait, whoa, are we dating?" I responded, "pffff, no...." But it felt like a relationship. Going out to dinner together, concerts, the park, that sort of thing. I asked her to be in a relationship. She said she couldn't right now (she's very into meditation, was dating a guy for 4 years, he vanished from her life for a year and half, and now he's getting married -- also, she's dealing with a slew of other issues, says she needs to get to know herself because never got the chance. She's only 23). We tried continuing what we had. Lasted only another week. She would tell me no one was entitled to her time when I'd be upset that she hadn't texted me for days or when I wouldn't see her for a week. I held her to expectations of a relationship when it was abundantly clear that she didn't want one. But, on the other hand, she'd get extremely upset at me because I never "showed any interest in her" (her communication of love style is verbal. She actually WANTED me to ask her how her day was and how she was feeling via text/call). So, we "broke up" even though we were never in a relationship. We were in one of those things that hits the line between FWB and relationship. Depending on the day, it felt like one or the other. Still, there is love between us. I just don't think the chemistry is too high. Either that, or I'm all mature now and taking this well. I find when chemistry is high and compatibility is off, it leads to a lot of pain. High compatibility and low chemistry just leads to a friendship. We have high compatibility and medium-level chemistry (I think of her A LOT, she matters to me A LOT, but sometimes, when I'm with her for prolonged periods of time, I want to go home. Sometimes, I'd leave to go hang out with friends). Edited December 29, 2015 by lakerman34
ExpatInItaly Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 So what do you plan to do now? Strictly friends, no more benefits?
Author lakerman34 Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 So what do you plan to do now? Strictly friends, no more benefits? I don't know, go with the flow and see what happens, I guess?
Author lakerman34 Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 So I wasn't that off with my remark. Maybe, maybe not. A little bit when she got off work yesterday, she texted me asking me how my day was. Something she RARELY did when we were "together." We chatted. She told me about her day and how she wanted to work on the park committee and quit her job. All said and done, I said "goodnight" to her, she responded with a "goodnight, snow" with a kissy emoticon. It was a reference to Jon Snow, a GoT character. When we were together, we called each other "Khal" and "Khaleesi." We hypothesized that at the end of the show, Khaleesi and Jon Snow end up together. Weird.
Itspointless Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Maybe, maybe not. A little bit when she got off work yesterday, she texted me asking me how my day was. Something she RARELY did when we were "together." We chatted. She told me about her day and how she wanted to work on the park committee and quit her job. All said and done, I said "goodnight" to her, she responded with a "goodnight, snow" with a kissy emoticon. It was a reference to Jon Snow, a GoT character. When we were together, we called each other "Khal" and "Khaleesi." We hypothesized that at the end of the show, Khaleesi and Jon Snow end up together. Weird. I have to admit that I am one of the last persons to never have seen Game of Thrones or read it. That last one is weirder as I like reading the genre. Nevertheless I get what you are saying. It seems to me that she is denying her feelings. Now that you really are gone (as it feels) she seems to want you near. The problem is though, that with this behaviour she is showing avoidant tendencies: wanting you near when you are away and wanting space when you are near. I can tell you as my ex was dismissive-avoidant attached that such behaviour leads to a buttload of hurt. I advice you with this girl to choose for you.
Author lakerman34 Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 I have to admit that I am one of the last persons to never have seen Game of Thrones or read it. That last one is weirder as I like reading the genre. Nevertheless I get what you are saying. It seems to me that she is denying her feelings. Now that you really are gone (as it feels) she seems to want you near. The problem is though, that with this behaviour she is showing avoidant tendencies: wanting you near when you are away and wanting space when you are near. I can tell you as my ex was dismissive-avoidant attached that such behaviour leads to a buttload of hurt. I advice you with this girl to choose for you. Got it all but that last sentence. I do agree. I think there is some dismissive-avoidant going on here.
Itspointless Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Got it all but that last sentence. I do agree. I think there is some dismissive-avoidant going on here. Well I don't know if she is attached like that. We all have our styles, but she shows some signs here. I meant with my last sentence that it is probably best to pass on her and leave it with what it has been. Perhaps you will meet again in the future and things will be different.
Author lakerman34 Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) So, things were (are) weird. 2 hours after "break up" she starts talking to me all lovey-dovey? Then, we hung out during NYE. She was dressed in a SUPER sexy dress, looking really good. She lit candles, baked cookies, had champagne. I didn't expect such a display -- I wore sweats and a t-shirt. Ultimately, we hang out for 10 minutes, then she passes out with her legs up on me (she has chronic fatigue and pain). She texts me lovey-dovey messages for the next week. Then, all of a sudden, it stops. Today is day 3 that I haven't heard from her. I refuse to text her, I'm not going to give her that importance anymore. What I DO notice is that she's on Messenger ALL day at work, so clearly she's either messaging someone else, or she stares blankly at her screen. She tends to pass out at around 6PM every evening and wakes up at 6AM. She lives a VERY unhealthy lifestyle. I'm just confused. I don't like that I feel so attached. Even hanging with other girl friends, I know intellectually that I am MUCH more compatible with other girls. Also, there is a chance that this girl has lymphoma. She's waiting on results from her test (which, I would assume, she should have by now -- she had the test done on December 29). When she texts me again (I can only assume she will--last thing she said to me was "I'm going watch Simpsons then go to sleep. Love you! Remind me to tell you about that noise you make lol. Goodnight!") I know I'll WANT to hang out, but feel as if I have to play the apathetic "I've got plans" guy. Assistance, please (and thank you to all who have offered it). EDIT: Also, I can't shake the feeling that there is another guy. Again, I know intellectually that there probably isn't (she doesn't have the time nor energy to be dating at this point in her life, and she plans on moving to a whole 'nother city by June), but my gut tells me otherwise. Edited January 9, 2016 by lakerman34 English
Itspointless Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Assistance, please (and thank you to all who have offered it). EDIT: Also, I can't shake the feeling that there is another guy. Again, I know intellectually that there probably isn't (she doesn't have the time nor energy to be dating at this point in her life, and she plans on moving to a whole 'nother city by June), but my gut tells me otherwise. I think it is not so hard to decipher, she likes you but does not want to admit that to herself, so she goes avoidant every time after she showed that to you. It is on you to decide what to do. But I think I said to you before that avoiding her will avoid butt-loads of hurt. Meanwhile you are allowing yourself to get attached more and more. I get it (really), but it isn't smart. 1
Author lakerman34 Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 I think it is not so hard to decipher, she likes you but does not want to admit that to herself, so she goes avoidant every time after she showed that to you. It is on you to decide what to do. But I think I said to you before that avoiding her will avoid butt-loads of hurt. Meanwhile you are allowing yourself to get attached more and more. I get it (really), but it isn't smart. I'm curious about this avoidant behavior. Thing is, if I contacted her and told her that I'd like for her to be a bit more communicative (and she even claims that we don't communicate well -- puts the blame on me), she'd yell at me saying how we aren't in a relationship, how she doesn't owe her time to anyone, and how she has other commitments. I think she likes me too. I don't think she's "in love" with me (she said so much on BU Day). Still, I'm in this weird place of limbo where she acts like she likes me, but then disappears without a word for days. What I can tell you is "hanging out" means I go to her house, and she falls asleep while we watch some bull**** show/movie. I like being in her presence, but otherwise, I'm incredibly bored.
SomwhereOutThere Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Maybe she is texting you more now because there is no more pressure as far as status/no status, but it doesn't mean things will start up again the way they were. I was in a similar situation. Once we downgraded to being FWB, he was contacting me more and being more open. I just figured he no longer felt pressured because the expectations were gone and he didn't have to act "boyfriendly" anymore. It sounds like both of you feel less pressured now. 1
Author lakerman34 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 Maybe she is texting you more now because there is no more pressure as far as status/no status, but it doesn't mean things will start up again the way they were. I was in a similar situation. Once we downgraded to being FWB, he was contacting me more and being more open. I just figured he no longer felt pressured because the expectations were gone and he didn't have to act "boyfriendly" anymore. It sounds like both of you feel less pressured now. I think we both do, but at the same time, I'm not really getting benefits. She still gets the gifts and back rubs. I know this is my fault, *BUT* you'd think she'd show an ounce of appreciation. I just remembered she told me last week that she was planning on going on a "vision quest" (which includes hallucinogens). She might have went to pick them up last night and is partaking today. That would make a lot of sense.
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