ladyluck13 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 (edited) Am I overreacting? Is there something more I should try that I'm just not seeing? I just joined with hope of getting some feedback from someone who can maybe see things with a clearer head as I'm absolutely muddled right now. I apologize for the length. I care for my husband and I know that he is still very much in love with me, I do also know that no longer do I share the same intensity of feeling for him. There have been a lot of lies on his part in our relationship. We've been married for 9 years, together for almost 10 and have two daughters ages 8 and 3. We got married at 20 years old. We've been having problems off and on for the past 5 years. Every time I start to build trust in him back up I discover something else that makes me feel so frustrated, betrayed and lonely in this relationship and each time he tells me that he's sorry, that it won't happen again, that this time it's different and that he doesn't know what he'll do if we can't work things out. First it was chatting with other women and men online arranging times/places to meet up and have sex. He tells me it never actually happened, that he was just chatting for amusement and never would have actually met up with any of these people but I honestly don't know if I should believe that. Either way though it was a major betrayal. After he was caught a few times doing this he told me he suffered from a sex addiction and couldn't help himself (despite our sex life being just fine and quite active), he agreed to go to group therapy and counseling. He went to group therapy three times before quitting, couples counseling once with me and never by himself. In his defense he has not, at least as far as I can tell, done this in over a year but my trust is still obviously very damaged. In the recent past he's also lied to me about handling several important things, like traffic tickets he's gotten. He's not paid them and come to find out a couple weeks ago this has resulted in his license being suspended. He was pulled over driving my car while his truck was in the shop and I had to pick it up from the impound lot so I could get to work the following day. These are expensive and completely irresponsible mistakes to keep making from my perspective, his license has been suspended for unpaid fines at least three times this year and several times the year before. He has never been able to hold down a job, always fired for this or that, none of which was ever his fault according to him. He's lied to me several times about getting things done in regards to taking care of the girls and basic everyday things. I feel like I'm the only adult in the house, like I don't have an equal partner: I work full time and a second, part time job from home, come up with lesson plans for my daughter's homeschooling, do the majority of the cooking and cleaning, run all the household errands, manage all the finances, drive him to and from work in the evenings and weekends because now he can't drive and at the end of the day am so stressed that I no longer want to deal with married life at all if this is what it's like. My husband has Asperger's and has difficulty in many social situations (hence the trouble keeping a job) and (I suspect) suffers from at least a mild depression. He refuses to get help for anything and will not go see a doctor or therapist when I've suggested it. I did not know about the Asperger's until we were already married and I was pregnant with our first daughter. I was young and he was my first committed relationship, I really truly loved him with everything I had and felt confident that we could work on whatever issues this meant for us. I don't want to blame him for things that are not his fault but I feel like he's refusing to act responsibly, he won't get help for his problems, won't change his ways and continually makes the same "mistakes" over and over again. It's been so long and I'm so fed up with the day to day stress that trying to maintain this relationship has given me. I can't help but think that if we were to part ways at least I wouldn't have to deal with constant lies, license suspensions, traffic tickets and worry about a husband who frequents internet dating sites. I'm completely conflicted and feel guilty for even considering divorce. When did you know it was the right thing to do? Is there something else I can do to save things that I'm just not seeing? Edited December 28, 2015 by ladyluck13
Mr. Lucky Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 It's been so long and I'm so fed up with the day to day stress that trying to maintain this relationship has given me. I can't help but think that if we were to part ways at least I wouldn't have to deal with constant lies, license suspensions, traffic tickets and worry about a husband who frequents internet dating sites. I'm completely conflicted and feel guilty for even considering divorce. When did you know it was the right thing to do? Is there something else I can do to save things that I'm just not seeing? Pretty easy to make a ledger of pros and cons, a quick read of your post yields a lot more of the latter. I'd demand - not suggest - he revisit marriage counseling. Within that framework, I'd communicate a clear set of expectations involving employment, fidelity and logistics with emphasis on those that are dealbreakers for you. And then I'd stand my ground with the understanding that this may be a case of "can't change" as opposed to "don't want to change". You may have to plan accordingly. Has your husband ever taken medication for Asperger's, even as a child? Mr. Lucky
Author ladyluck13 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Has your husband ever taken medication for Asperger's, even as a child? Thank you for the response Mr. Lucky. He was on medication as a child but because he experienced over-prescription and did not have a good experience with doctors and medications as a child (was given medications that conflicted with each other and had severe reactions) he absolutely refuses to take anything other than over the counter pain medications now and even that only in outstanding circumstances. It's like pulling teeth to even get him to go to a doctor, I need to make the appointments for him, take time off work to drive him, sit with him in the office and then make sure any and all prescriptions are filled and taken as prescribed or he just wont do it.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I was curious simply because much progress has been made in treating the anxiety that accompanies the disorder. Were your husband to see a doctor, he could catch up on several decades of medical advancement. Again, all part of your setting clear boundaries and expectations if you're to stay in the marriage. As things are, clearly not working for you... Mr. Lucky
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