JangMi1221 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Thinking out loud..... I have to fight hard to keep my inner peace. Woke up this morning thinking about him (as usual). He's the first person I think about when I wake up and the last person I think about when I close my eyes. And it pains me to think that he may be completely apathetic towards me - nonchalant. Anyhow, I was deeply reflecting on my first three serious relationships. None of those men valued me. I was trying to make them to see how great I was. Trying to prove that I'm a good woman. Funny. All three of them said that I was - that I was "pure", "innocent", "loyal as heck", a "good girl", so on, so on. So why? Why the infidelity from each one? Doesn't make sense. I was a doormat. It didn't stem from a bad childhood - I had great childhood with both parents. And I love my dad to pieces. I believe it came from my adolescent years - defending myself from being teased by the boys for being a "late bloomer". Who knew those experiences would affect me so deeply? I just figured that's a part of my childhood and it's done. But I guess not - otherwise I wouldn't have lost so much self-respect trying to prove to a man that I'm substantial. It's definitely safe to say that my self-esteem was buried under a heap of scars - never fully healing from the pain after each one. It's not my first three exes that I miss or want back - it's the peace of mind that I want back after allowing myself to be used, betrayed, and manipulated. It's the embarrassment that I want to disappear - them feeling like they got away with walking all over someone that gave more than they had. A new relationship won't fix this damage. I don't know if my fourth guy fully understood the extent of the damage that I was dealing with. I didn't want him to see me as weak, or with low self-esteem, or not woman enough....but thinking back to some conversations....I believe he did. He didn't take advantage of me like the first three though. He just....didn't want me anymore....and let me know. Although, I have football stadium-sized hole in my heart, I'm thankful he told me. Man, how I miss him. As real as it is for me, it probably was never real for him. I often wish we could reconnect....but he never emotionally opened up to me. I don't think he felt anything strong for me. I'm fighting to get me back. To raise my vibration to the highest level until I'm at total peace with myself and no longer haunted by the past. I have to be confident in who I am. Time to take advantage of this season of singleness and truly heal, shed the dead skin, and emerge as someone greater than I ever imagined I could be. 3
Reels Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Yes, don't go for a new relationship until you are ready for it. 1
elephantflower Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Hi BrighterDays, You sound like such a strong and resilient person and from your post have a wonderful attitude in the face of adversity. I deeply admire that quality in anyone. You give me hope -- I too, was in an emotionally abusive relationship and the damage has been hard to deal with. 1
Author JangMi1221 Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 You will make it elephantflower. Personally, I pray everyday because I draw strength from God. I also tell myself that I have to be a Spartan and fight hard. So just know that you have it in you to persevere. You're still standing after this - so that means you survived. Keep going. Collect $100 and pass go! (Monopoly humor - lol)
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