I feel like he ruined me

[mackeygirl]

Did you press charges when he hit your daughter?

 

The police where he was living made a report, took pictures and statements. I did everything else back where I live. Restraining orders were granted, removing most of his parental rights were approved but they would not allow for him to entirely be removed, CPS got involved but they pretty much said since he legally is unable to see her with the RO's the case was pretty much closed.

[lollipopspot]

I put her in therapy because she was so depressed over it. I can do everything in the world for her but she has the right to still wonder about why he didn't want her and that kills me. I don't have a good answer for that. She asks what is wrong with her and it ticks me off to no end.

 

Do you see that her feelings about him mirror your feelings about him? You wonder why he chose his new wife and didn't want you. She wonders why she wasn't wanted.

 

I'm still hurting over everything he did and not just him but the few relationships I have had since then. I'm just lost on how everything happened and still angry and hurt over it all still.

 

In your responses you are angry and defensive when someone doesn't agree with you. I think your anger is driving a lot of this situation and I'm betting it comes out in ways and with your daughter that you aren't even aware of.

[mackeygirl]

Do you see that her feelings about him mirror your feelings about him? You wonder why he chose his new wife and didn't want you. She wonders why she wasn't wanted.

 

I understand that but I also know that many children who were adopted or raised in single parent homes have those same questions - why was I given up, not wanted, ect. I'm not saying that I didn't have anything to do with it but I think regardless she would have dealt with that. From the beginning I have always said that was my biggest concern when he left... that she'd start to feel she wasn't good enough and here that fear came true.

 

 

 

In your responses you are angry and defensive when someone doesn't agree with you. I think your anger is driving a lot of this situation and I'm betting it comes out in ways and with your daughter that you aren't even aware of.

 

I have been angry in one response which was when I was basically being accused of negecting my daughters feelings by having my own. Other than that it's just answering questions brought up.

 

I am sure that in little ways I probably have influnced her own feelings but I have never gone out of my way to try to. I don't talk about him unless she brings him up, I never say a single bad thing about her to him or when she is around, I answer any questions she has the best that I can. I don't go around dwelling about him or the past but every once in awhile yes, I think about it all. And now with knowing what has been going on with him I get angry a lot over his choices but I do everything possible to not think about it often and i do not bring it up to her.

[mackeygirl]

Since you're not over it GET PROFESSIONAL help.

 

This is you not him.

 

I have been getting help and um yes it is me not him. These are my feelings on what happened, I was explaining where they came from?.........

[minimariah]

I don't think he deserves another chance...

 

sweetheart - he won't ever ask for one. you can be sure about that.

 

Do you see that her feelings about him mirror your feelings about him?

 

they don't.

 

the little girl doesn't feel bad because her mother does -- even if the mother was the happiest woman in the world, even if there was a kind and awesome stepfather in the picture... that little girl would have still felt a huge amount of negative feelings and the pressure she is feeling right now.

 

and the OP is doing the right thing - this girl is EIGHT years old; her journey in accepting and understanding the family situation she is in... is just beginning. in order to heal - you have to deal with all those feelings; so sweeping them under the rug and acting like everything is fine is WRONG. this right now, is the time to face it and to move forward... so when she comes into her adulthood - she will have a huge amount of those feelings and issues already resolved.

 

so don't put the daughter's despair over a loss of her father on the OP - that is, in no way, her fault. and no, the kid won't be good if only the mother tried to be emotionally good about it - it's really not how it works with issues like these. besides -- the daughter is already her own person and many folks don't ever get over that... not much ANYONE can do about it, really.

 

OP - you're doing a good job. you took a really good care of both your daughter and yourself. keep that money you're getting from him; if he tries to contact you or your daughter (breaking the restraining order) -- go to the court and INSIST on getting his rights stripped down. treat him like your number one enemy - like the DANGER and a threat to your and your daughter's life. do not... not even for a second, do not think that he MIGHT have some good intentions. do not allow any contact or a second chance or anything similar... do not allow his new wife or their child near yours. in cases like these, he isn't your only enemy - his entire family is, too.

 

so don't trust anyone that is "good" with him - that includes his new wife, his parents and his kid. and you raise your daughter so she can always keep that in mind.

 

and sweetheart... don't try to figure him out. some questions don't have answers. it's been a phenomenon for a long time - fathers and mothers who abandon one family only to be seemingly fantastic parents to another. not even professionals have answers to many questions - so don't overthink it.

 

try to accept the situation as it is. continue with your treatment.

Edited December 28, 2015 by minimariah

[Whoknew30]

Did you press charges when he hit your daughter?

 

The police where he was living made a report, took pictures and statements. I did everything else back where I live. Restraining orders were granted, removing most of his parental rights were approved but they would not allow for him to entirely be removed, CPS got involved but they pretty much said since he legally is unable to see her with the RO's the case was pretty much closed.

 

Wow, no arrest for punching a child? Crazy!

 

I can understand being upset but you have to let it go for your daughter. You never knew, the man you fell in love with never really existed (going by your post that he lied since day 1) that's what it seems you're holding on to, that this good man turned on you but he was never a good man. He's not even a good man to ex or he wouldn't have done all this to make her jealous. You're seeing all the good & hearing bc most families' aren't going to say our son/brother/Uncle ext... are going to tell an ex wife that had a restraining order put in their relative any bad things he's continuing to do.

 

You're daughter just needs to know you love her & that her father has some type of mental issues that don't have anything to do with her & the reason he's being like this is bc YOh wouldn't allow him to be abusive to her.

 

It's a tough situation but you did the right thing getting her away from him. I've seen what one abusive person can do to a family & the damage would be much greater if he was in your lives.

 

By still holding on to this hurt, you're allowing his abuse to still control a part of you & you & daughter deserve a clean slate far away from his abuse.

[angel.eyes]

OP, it would have been helpful if you included all the information in one spot instead of starting different threads in different forums. Much of the information that was merged into this thread was missing from the original.

 

Well, the point of two threads was one to talk about my own feelings and another to talk about my daughter. I have my own feelings about the situation with him and my daughter has hers.

 

They are intertwined. I only saw the thread on your feelings. It seemed to be all about you and your feelings. Now I understand why there was practically no mention of your daughter or her needs, which I had found...disturbing. The original picture was of two parents concerned with their own needs and wants and not hers.

 

I understand why you chose to start a separate thread in another forum, but obviously your thread on your daughter is relevant and paints a very different picture of both you and her biological dad. You're clearly a very concerned mom in the thread you started on her.

 

At the end of the day, you're doing the very best you can for her in difficult circumstances. She's lucky you have you in her life. Your anger and resentment at your ex are also understandable.

 

Your stepmother unkindly reopened old wounds by digging up all these details about your ex' current life and family. That would set anyone back. But the only people being harmed by your current feelings of anger and resentment about the way he treated you and your daughter versus his current family is you. You'll have to find a way to forgive and let go so that you can move forward with your own life. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

 

Maybe, resume counseling for yourself in your new town to help you get past this. I think a fresh start in a new community was a great idea.

 

Best of luck!

[StBreton]

OP ...mostly kids need love, consistency, encouragment and hope. They need to be told they are good and "you can do it!"

 

I'm glad you guys moved. Sounds like you've done some good things. Processing all the new info your daughter heard will take time. Good she is in therapy. Hopefully she'll get back to the business of being a child. By yourself holding onto the hurt, anger, bitterness...your daughter is absolutely picking up on that...I'm not sure you realize how intuitive kids are to a parent's every move and emotion...I continue to be amazed as my children get older and share things with me re: divorce and life in general. The faster you stop looking in the rear view mirror, the faster you and your daughter can just live in and enjoy the present...and be grateful you have each other.

 

FYI...your ex didn't ruin you. He doesn't have the power to do that. Your best "revenge" is to live well and say to hell with him...as I'm sure he's already got a special place with his name on it there just waiting for him:)

 

I will truly pray for you.

Edited December 28, 2015 by StBreton

[BettyDraper]

I'm sorry for everything that you went through. You were wrong to marry someone that you barely knew, but that doesn't mean that your ex was right to treat you and your daughter the way he did.

 

You have survived a terrible ordeal and you will need counseling because of it. There's nothing wrong with that. Holding on the anger is only poisoning you. I struggle with anger at people who abused me in the past so my heart goes out.

 

I agree that kids are far more intuitive than adults give them credit for. When my father stepped out on my mom, they stayed together for their kids but the tension was palpable in our home. I could tell that my mother hated my dad even though she never talked about it openly.

[JS84]

Hope you told your step mom off. That's pretty ****ed up what she did.

[healingsoul]

Mackeygirl,

 

You have given so much detail on the very difficult marriage that you had. I am sorry you got into a very bad relationship. Yes, it does seem from the start that you were used and unfortunately you were at a time in your life that you so much wanted love and marriage that you accepted what he offered. Then you had a child and everything went worse. Finally you ended up divorced and a single mom and he seemingly got the life he always wanted.

 

Of course, it was so wrong of your step mother to tell your daughter all of the past. Nothing good could have come from this and your step mother needs to be clearly told that she never has permission to discuss this topic with your daughter again. I would not trust her to be alone with my daugther.

 

Now, you need to let the past be beyond you and your daughter and you need to focus on the present and your future. One of the best ways you can do this is to learn to forgive yourself for all of the mistakes you made when you entered the whirlwind fast marriage and didn't know the man you married. A long time has past and you need to also forgive him for lying to you and not wanting any relationship or responsibility with his daughter. Truly it is his loss but it seems she is so much better off without him, especially since his only contact with her was to abuse her.

 

By letting go and forgiving (not that he deserves it), but you and your daughter deserve a clean break from him and the past. When you forgive yourself and him, you actually break the bond that ties him emotionally to you. You are saying you owe me nothing anymore, nothing you could ever do could make the past hurt right. "I release you to your own consequences for all the wrong you have done."

 

By doing this, you and your daughter can have a fresh start and you will not so easily judge others by your measure of your past relationship experience.

 

Have you worked on doing this with a counselor?

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I am better off without him but it still sucks and I am afraid to put myself out there with anyone else. I hate it.

 

You should be afraid to "put yourself out there with anyone else" you don't know well. Eliminating strangers from your list of relationship partners will solve most of your problems...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Why would you want anything to do with this man or even be jealous?

He's a first class a**hole. I'm having trouble believing such a human exists.... to punch his child in the face. I'd have told your daughter her dad was dead.. because he would be as far as I'm concerned.

 

When his family were horrible to you... you should have run far away. I will never marry a man whose family hated me and he didn't defend me. .. I'd be outta there in a flash.

 

They are all horrible nasty people.. and your stepmother..my word she brings a whole new meaning to the wicked stepmother.

 

Why on earth would she be such a first class bitch.

 

In all these years have you not moved on and found a decent man? You really need to look at your ex as a demented individual... but love your daughter and look after her.

 

Don't leave her with your step mother again.. she's another lunatic in the mix.

[turnera]

One person can't ruin another person.

 

This is on you to accept that you screwed up, have fixed it to the best of your ability, accept that you chose poorly, and USE that knowledge to move forward to seek out healthy relationships. That said, I'm not sure your daughter needs another man around her, not with your inability to let go. Sounds like YOU would turn out just like HE did - obsessed with the ex.

[Miss Clavel]

Wow, your step mom is one big mouth bitch.

 

Your daughter just needed to know the basics and you waited to long.

 

Now you are going to have to put a "good face" on what you tell her, not that he deserves it. But if she starts thinking she will turn out like him, you're gonna needs meds, both of you.

 

Start by showing her a photo and pointing out how YOUNG You both were, "caught up, crazy love sick KIDS."

 

Go from there.

 

Remind her( if she brings it up) that of course he loves his son more, he DOESN'T even know her.

 

And if and when he is ready to visit her, you are more than willing, provided he clear up that "misunderstanding" you two had.? that time the police came?

 

See where I'm going with this.

 

He married you in spite of the fact he CLEARLY loved her, not to mention that he lied during his wedding vows.

 

Tell her you could not conceive of anyone marrying someone under false pretenses.

 

That in spite of the fact you knew his family was against the WEDDING you thought he meant his vows. and with a little luck and some time, you thought the two of you could make a go of it.

 

You realize that the fact his family was against it does not mean they hate you or her, only that you were so young you didn't listen to good advice.

 

Later on, because I confess, I'm wicked, I would have the step mom take you ex MIL out to lunch and smack her in the mouth and tell her how its gonna be from now on, starting with your daughter and her father having visitation alone at HER house, every other week. And if that goes well your daughter and her brother can visit and their father can start doing for BOTH his kids, or else.

 

Xoxo