I feel like he ruined me

[mackeygirl]

My ex-husband and I had a whirlwind romance... we started talking one day on a dating site, met in person three days later, got engaged less than two weeks after that, married just a couple of months after that. It all sounded crazy but it felt like a wild, fun ride with him. I had gotten out of a horrible relationship and it felt nice so I got rather swept away...

 

I would later find out so many hidden truths about this man though... He had been in a 6 year relationship which had literally just ended a few days before he started talking to me and he was using me to make his ex jealous in order to win her back (threatening to go out and screw around with someone if she wouldn't take him back), and this went on and on. I'd later find out that he was texting and calling her every day trying to win her back, harrassing her friends and family trying to get in contact with her and things like that. The ring he even proposed to me with was hers!

 

I felt like such a fool. The entire time we were together and I was nothing more than a plaything. He got with me to use me to make his ex jealous, stayed with me because she wouldn't take him back and cut complete contact with him a few months after we had gotten married, yet spent the entire time trying to reach out to her behind my back.

 

The 3rd year of our marriage they got back in contact with one another, he was cheating emotionally and later physically when she started making trips out to see him every few months. Nevermind I was pregnant at the time... We hadn't planned on having a child, weren't trying as we barely even touched, but it happened. He moved out while I was in the hospital having our daughter and never looked back.

 

Our daughter is almost 8 and he's never had anything to do with her, he's not had anything to do with me either. We dealt with one another at court appearances and that was it. I was left broken in pieces with a daughter and he moved on to the life he always wanted.

 

He and the former ex have been together since... They got married and have a 3 year old together.

 

And I'm just mad, hurt, jealous.... I met his parents but they never liked me, they love her and always told him to leave me for her right in front of me before even. We had a small wedding where it was just my family as he didn't even tell anyone before, they had the big one. We lived with family a lot while they bought a house together.

 

They are both stay at home parents.... she owned her own business and worked from home but now just has a share in it, he's permanently disabled with the VA, while I worked my ass off and still do to provide. He never wanted to do anything or go anywhere when we were together yet it seems they are always off doing something, taking family vacations and so on. His family hated me and told him even in front of me he needed to leave and get back with her, and yes absolutely love her.

 

Worse of all is when it comes to the kids though - hands down. He has never been there for our daughter, acts like she doesn't even exist, yet he's best dad ever to his son with her. He calls his son his only child, his family all adore him, he's there every day with his son, take him out to eat or to movies or parks, buys him everything under the sun, does everything with him.

 

Nearly 8 years since he left and I am still not over it and worry I never will be. I know I am better off without him but it still sucks and I am afraid to puy myself out there with anyone else. I hate it.

[minimariah]

hello!

 

some direct questions first -- you are divorced & hve a child together; how does your custody arrangement work? your child support or alimony arrangement?

 

if he isn't paying -- take him to the court and make sure your daughter gets her money. there is another option - you said he doesn't take care of your daughter; does that mean that he doesn't see her at all? if so - take him to the court and strip him off his parental rights. not sure if that's a possibility in your country (it is in mine) - but it's definitely a way to protect your daughter if he refuses to provide.

 

also - you've been through a lot. what is your support system like? did you seek any professional help, is that something you can afford?

[mackeygirl]

Moderation note - Merged content with more background. ~ V

 

 

I have a 7 year old daughter (who will be 8 in February) with my ex-husband, though if you were to ask him he'd pretend either she doesn't exist or does but isn't his.... despite the fact he had a DNA test done and still acts like it's untrue...

 

He's never been in her life, has never had anything to do with her. He was never involved in the pregnancy, went around claiming it wasn't his, he stayed with his parents a lot of the time, never bought anything for the baby, never went to a doctor appointment or anything. He was cheating on me for most of the pregnancy and left me and moved out while I was in the hospital having our daughter.

 

I have done everything by myself. He pays $100 in child support (despite the fact he's 100% disabled with the VA and gets well over $3300 a month) and fought tooth and nail for every last dollar. It comes directly from the VA so he doesn't have anything else to do with us.

 

I have always tried to be upfront with my daughter about her dad but without the details... I've tried to keep it age appropriate and focus away from the bad back to the good. I have told her about her dad... who he is, stories I know about him, his time in the Army and things like that. I have told her that he decided it was best if he wasn't in her life because he wasn't a good fit to be her father and thing like that, then point out that mommy got the best out of it though because I got her all to myself and point out who all is in her life.

 

It hasn't been easy for her though... she's been asking a lot in the past couple of years about him, making up stories, she was teased when she started school for not having a dad. That's when a lot of the stories started... he'd say how great her dad was, that he did x y or z as his job so he was away a lot, say she was going to be moving in with him and just crazy things at random.

 

She stayed with my dad and my step mom over this past summer and all heck broke loose in our lives. My step mom decided she would take it upon herself to "end" the lies and show my daughter the truth.

 

My daughter found out about the ex girlfriend of her dad's that ruined our lives, found out how he claims she isn't even his, that her dad and his family have all said real nasty things about her, spread lies about all of us, threatened all of us. She found out that she did meet her dad once... when she was a little over 2 I went to confront him after getting wind of some crap he was saying and how he punched her in the face, threw her off his porch, threatened to kill us both if we didn't leave or if we contacted him ever again. I won a restrainig order against him and got one for her against him after that as well so legally he doesn't even have right to see her.

 

My step mom is quite nosey as it is but she took that to another level with my daughter as they started searching through Facebook and Google+ and whatever to look at his new life. Her grandmother showed her posts of things he'd said about her in the past, how he calls his son his only child. His new wife's (the ex before mentioned) stuff i apparently public as are a lot of oter peoples so I mean thousands and thousands of posts, pictures, videos, ect.

 

She saw how he went off and had a new life and family and pretends we don't exist, how he's being dad to his 3 year old son but not her. He's with his son every day and does everything with him yet wants nothing to do with her. She got to see all the family vacations they have taken, going out to eat, playing at parks, going swimming.. how he spoils the crap out of his son and she goes without so much.

 

Her dad's family is all about the son but are as bad as him with their granddaughter. She saw photos and videos from the boy's birthdays and Christmases of past and eveything in between.

 

And it wrecked her so bad. She's been depressed since. We moved which helped some and she's been in therapy since then but it's just so hard. She is so obsessed now with always asking about him and why he didn't want her and what is so wrong with her... she will sneak to check their FB pages when at grandparents houses or once she did on my sister in laws account when it was up.

 

She's curious about him and her little half brother but it's just so much....

Edited December 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for Moderation note ~ V

[mackeygirl]

When our daughter was 2 I had to get a restraining order against him for myself and had to get one against him for our daughter as well so he does not have any custody or visitation rights to her.

 

Prior to that he did not want any but the judge gave us a custody agreement anyway. He never took up on it, never wanted to even meet her, wasn't involved. He pretended from the start she didn't exist.... He did wind up meeting her - once - and that was my doing not his, I went to confront him and all heck broke loose and is how I got the restraining order.

 

I get child support from him, it's $100. He never paid before it was officially said he had to, he fought tooth and nail for every dollar... It comes directly out of his VA disability.

 

We have both tried to get his parental rights entirely moved several times but they would not grant it. Despite him not being involved, despite him punching her in the face the one time he did see her and threatening to kill her. Unless I give her up for adoption or if I get married and stepdad wants to adopt her is the only way we were told he could sign his rights away in our state. They did strip him of most of his rights but wouldn't do all of them.

 

My daughter is in therapy and so am I. I think it's been helping her more than me though.

My family is great but really all they say is bad stuff about him and tell me to move on already.

[Mr. Lucky]

Nearly 8 years since he left and I am still not over it and worry I never will be. I know I am better off without him but it still sucks and I am afraid to puy myself out there with anyone else. I hate it.

 

Wow, don't understand this at all. It's not like he set the bar very high, most anyone you'd become involved with would look pretty good by comparison. What is it that you're "not over"?

 

Look, you married someone you hardly knew - engaged after two weeks ? - and then got pregnant during a very troubled marriage. The road you've taken has been shaped by the choices you've made. And so is the path forward, it seems pretty simple.

 

some direct questions first -- you are divorced & hve a child together; how does your custody arrangement work? your child support or alimony arrangement?

 

Would like to know this before commenting further...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mackeygirl]

I know... At the time so much seemed so right and perfect which yes now I know it wasn't but I'm afraid of getting involved and having something like happen again. I'm still hurting over everything he did and not just him but the few relationships I have had since then. I'm just lost on how everything happened and still angry and hurt over it all still.

 

We had a trouble marriage but I wasn't aware of how bad things were until near the end of it. Looking back there were signs and maybe not everything was as great as I thought they were at the time true, but for so long I thought we were happy....

 

I think about the what ifs I guess a lot... What if he had gotten over when he was with me, why couldn't he love me questions... what if had decided to step up and be a father to our daughter despite whatever happened with us. I get after everything he wound up doing we are better off without him but I still wish he could have been the better person and been there at least for our daughter/

 

I get child support but not alimony, it comes directly out of his Veteran's disability so it's always paid. He does not have custody or visitation rights to our daughter, hasn't since she was 2. Me and my daughter both have restraining orders against him. Before that he didn't want custody obviously and never took up on it depsite being given time in the order.

[angel.eyes]

When you take out a restraining order against your ex for your daughter and fight to remove his parental rights through the court system, you can't then complain that he makes no effort to visit your daughter or hasn't bonded with her.

 

You seem to be blaming him 100% for everything. But honestly, no one held a gun to your head or dragged you off against your will. You made a rash, irresponsible, life-changing choice. Two weeks after meeting a random stranger, you decided to marry him. His family didn't want him with you, and didn't even come to the wedding. I'm guessing there were tons of other red flags that you chose to ignore.

 

Hold yourself accountable for your choices. If you continue to blame others for your mistakes, you'll never learn. You'll just repeat the same behavior.

 

The person I truly feel bad for is your daughter who was born into this morass and has to deal with the fall out from it. She never asked for this, and certainly had no choice. Focus on making her feel cherished and loved instead of fighting with your ex.

Edited December 28, 2015 by angel.eyes

[mackeygirl]

When you take out a restraining order against your ex for your daughter, you can't then complain that he makes no effort to visit or hasn't bonded with her.

 

I am aware of that factor to it - obviously, but he had the entire pregnancy, he had the 2 first years of her life, and if he wanted to than yes he could dispute the order. Yet none of that had he done. He has no interest in her, his family has no interest, they all still trash talk her and spread lies and act like she doesn't exist. That's a lot for a mother to deal with and our daughter to deal with as well because she recently became aware of it.

 

I have my blame in everything, but I tend to hold a lot of anger toward him. He lied so easily and that scares me of how easily I let myself believe in things and got myself in such a situation. We decided to get married but had planned it to be a year later but other things came up and we wound up rushing it which was pretty stupid in hindsight, yes.

 

The past few months have brought up a lot of hold feelings about the crap that went wrong with us as my daughter learned about what her dad has been saying, found out that there's a restraining order and why, she found out that he has a new family and a son and everything. My step mom took it upon herself to enlighten her and it's been rough.

 

We rushed into marriage but were together for years, we didn't plan on a child but never the less we had one, and I hate that he couldn't step up and be a parent to her. I know it's a person's choice but I still wish he'd chose differently.

[anika99]

You should have titled this post "Horrible stepmother from the bowels of hell!" because she is the real villain in this story. What a horrible evil wicked thing she did. You were handling this situation with your daughter perfectly! The dad might be a scumbag loser but your daughter should not be hearing anything about this at her tender young age. Children identify themselves with their parents so it's very important to foster positive feelings about her dad.

 

 

Your stepmother is a nasty piece of work. The way she provided so much information to your daughter and with so many details sounds like she was gleefully destroying your daughters heart. I would never leave your daughter unattended with that b*tch ever again.

 

 

It's excellent that you have her in therapy. All you can do from here is just to assure her over and over and over again that her fathers poor choices have zero to do with her worth as a person. Just explain that some people make really bad choices and sometimes they hurt other people who did nothing to deserve it. I wish you and your precious little girl the best.

[angel.eyes]

You also filed a restraining order to keep him away from you, right? Wasn't that one of your maneuvers?

 

I'm not saying he's blameless; he certainly isn't. But I get the impression that there may have been a fair amount of vitriol when the marriage ended. Eight years later, you're still very angry and bitter. You're also very resentful of the fact that his current wife and their children together get his and his extended family's attention.

 

Where a child's interests are involved, both parents have a responsibility to put aside their differences for the child's benefit, and to be civil and courteous so that both parents feel comfortable co-parenting. Of course, I could be wrong, but I have the distinct feeling your daughter was used as a pawn in your fights. Honestly, how can you be legally fighting to nullify her dad's parental rights and doing everything in your power to prevent him having any contact with his daughter, yet in the next voice wishing that he had a good relationship with her? What exactly did you do to encourage his spending time with her?

 

He wasn't the man you thought he was. Unfortunately, that tends to happen when you get engaged within two weeks of meeting a stranger. Your fantasy rarely matches reality. I'm sorry things have been so difficult for you. Hopefully, lesson learned and you'll spend the time needed to get to know the next guy you date.

 

Have you considered counseling? It may help you move on from the breakup. Eight years is a long time to carry anger and animosity. Best.

Edited December 28, 2015 by angel.eyes

[mackeygirl]

You should have titled this post "Horrible stepmother from the bowels of hell!" because she is the real villain in this story. What a horrible evil wicked thing she did.

 

Isn't that the truth? She's been in our lives for years and has always been a little blunt (and nosey) but this still felt wayyy out of nowhere - even for her. I still don't understand how a grown adult could do something like that!

 

You were handling this situation with your daughter perfectly! The dad might be a scumbag loser but your daughter should not be hearing anything about this at her tender young age. Children identify themselves with their parents so it's very important to foster positive feelings about her dad.

 

Agreed, I could say a whole lot about my own feelings toward that man but that wouldn't be right for her. I will to other people but as far as she was concerned he was middle ground, she could make her own mind up about him in time. 7 1/2 is too young for so much and it broke my heart, still does!

 

I wish you and your precious little girl the best.

 

Thank you. We both have our bruises from family and the dead beat but we're doing our best. Moving helped us a lot, got her in a new school and to therapy and I went back my own self, got a lot of new friends and are closer to my mom.

[cocorico]

You also filed a restraining order to keep him away from you, right? Wasn't that one of your maneuvers?

 

I'm not saying he's blameless; he certainly isn't. But I get the impression that there may have been a fair amount of vitriol when the marriage ended. Eight years later, you're still very angry and bitter. You're also very resentful of the fact that his current wife and their children together get his and his extended family's attention.

 

Where a child's interests are involved, both parents have a responsibility to put aside their differences for the child's benefit, and to be civil and courteous so that both parents feel comfortable co-parenting.

 

This "man" please no he'd his two year old baby in the face! How does one "put that aside"? And how could "putting that aside" possibly be in that child's best interest???

 

 

Of course, I could be wrong, but I have the distinct feeling your daughter was used as a pawn in your fights. Honestly, how can you be legally fighting to nullify her dad's parental rights and doing everything in your power to prevent him having any contact with his daughter, yet in the next voice wishing that he had a good relationship with her? What exactly did you do to encourage his spending time with her?

 

If you read, it's pretty clear:

 

1) he moved out the day the child was born, and wanted nothing to do with her.

2)OP took his daughter to see him, to encourage a relationship.

3) he punched the baby in the face, and threatened to kill her.

4) OP got restraining orders against him as a result.

 

Why would you encourage someone to spend time with a child, when the direct result of your doing so the last time led to him punching the baby and threatening to kill her? Perhaps you think it's fair to give him another chance to are good on his threats?

 

 

He wasn't the man you thought he was. Unfortunately, that tends to happen when you get engaged within two weeks of meeting a stranger. Your fantasy rarely matches reality. I'm sorry things have been so difficult for you. Hopefully, lesson learned and you'll spend the time needed to get to know the next guy you date.

 

Have you considered counseling? It may help you move on from the breakup. Eight years is a long time to carry anger and animosity. Best.

 

OP and her daughter are both in counselling, as she has stated.

[mackeygirl]

You also filed a restraining order to keep him away from you, right? Wasn't that one of your maneuvers?

 

Yes, I did. He attacked me and my daughter, he threatened multiple times to kill us, so yes I got us each a restraining order after that.

 

I'm not saying he's blameless; he certainly isn't. But I get the impression that there may have been a fair amount of vitriol when the marriage ended. Eight years later, you're still very angry and bitter. You're also very resentful of the fact that his current wife and their children together get his and his extended family's attention.

 

This is true, I am bitter over it. I don't like one child being favored over another - no matter if they were half siblings, step siblings, or whatever the case. I don't like the fact that people can be so harsh to me and act like the sun shines out of her rear end either, I can admit that as well. Might not be logically on that but that's my feelings.

 

Where a child's interests are involved, both parents have a responsibility to put aside their differences for the child's benefit, and to be civil and courteous so that both parents feel comfortable co-parenting. Of course, I could be wrong, but I have the distinct feeling your daughter was used as a pawn in your fights. Honestly, how can you be legally fighting to nullify her dad's parental rights and doing everything in your power to prevent him having any contact with his daughter, yet in the next voice wishing that he had a good relationship with her? What exactly did you do to encourage his spending time with her?

 

Our daughter as a pawn? I got pregnant and he was hardly around and we hardly spoke, we did fight about him not being involved. He left and did not speak to me once outside of court appearances. I heard a lot of things he was saying about me, my daughter, my family but I kept my mouth shut until I blew up one day - which was my own fault, it was my stupid decision to go confront him. But we did not speak at all other than at court before then and haven't since either.

 

I don't understand the confusion there. Yes, I would absolutely love to have his rights removed after he's decided he didn't want to be in her life and harmed her. But do I wish all of that never had happened? Yes. I wish he had decided to have a relationship with her, to be there for her, to have raised her. He chose not to and decided to go off the deep end and at that point yes I changed my opinion and wish he would be out of the picture entirely. BUT I wish things hadn't come to that point. I wish he had been in her life and none of this had happened.

 

When I was pregnant I would ask him his opinion about baby items, about names, try and get him involved in setting the nursery up or going to appointments. I didn't try and drag or force it, he was a grown man. He decided he would move out while she was being born and to cut off all contact. i didn't try and encourage him to be a parent other than trying to make up a custody agreement with him during court as he would not talk to me otherwise and it's not my job to encourage him to be a parent, you do it or you don't. I can wish he'd been a parent but I wasn't going to be coaxing or forcing. He wanted nothing to do with it.

 

Yes, my daughter is in therapy and I have been in and out of it. Thank you for well wishes

[cocorico]

My ex-husband and I had a whirlwind romance... we started talking one day on a dating site, met in person three days later, got engaged less than two weeks after that, married just a couple of months after that. It all sounded crazy but it felt like a wild, fun ride with him. I had gotten out of a horrible relationship and it felt nice so I got rather swept away...

 

I would later find out so many hidden truths about this man though... He had been in a 6 year relationship which had literally just ended a few days before he started talking to me and he was using me to make his ex jealous in order to win her back (threatening to go out and screw around with someone if she wouldn't take him back), and this went on and on. I'd later find out that he was texting and calling her every day trying to win her back, harrassing her friends and family trying to get in contact with her and things like that. The ring he even proposed to me with was hers!

 

I felt like such a fool. The entire time we were together and I was nothing more than a plaything. He got with me to use me to make his ex jealous, stayed with me because she wouldn't take him back and cut complete contact with him a few months after we had gotten married, yet spent the entire time trying to reach out to her behind my back.

 

The 3rd year of our marriage they got back in contact with one another, he was cheating emotionally and later physically when she started making trips out to see him every few months. Nevermind I was pregnant at the time... We hadn't planned on having a child, weren't trying as we barely even touched, but it happened. He moved out while I was in the hospital having our daughter and never looked back.

 

Our daughter is almost 8 and he's never had anything to do with her, he's not had anything to do with me either. We dealt with one another at court appearances and that was it. I was left broken in pieces with a daughter and he moved on to the life he always wanted.

 

He and the former ex have been together since... They got married and have a 3 year old together.

 

And I'm just mad, hurt, jealous.... I met his parents but they never liked me, they love her and always told him to leave me for her right in front of me before even. We had a small wedding where it was just my family as he didn't even tell anyone before, they had the big one. We lived with family a lot while they bought a house together.

 

They are both stay at home parents.... she owned her own business and worked from home but now just has a share in it, he's permanently disabled with the VA, while I worked my ass off and still do to provide. He never wanted to do anything or go anywhere when we were together yet it seems they are always off doing something, taking family vacations and so on. His family hated me and told him even in front of me he needed to leave and get back with her, and yes absolutely love her.

 

Worse of all is when it comes to the kids though - hands down. He has never been there for our daughter, acts like she doesn't even exist, yet he's best dad ever to his son with her. He calls his son his only child, his family all adore him, he's there every day with his son, take him out to eat or to movies or parks, buys him everything under the sun, does everything with him.

 

Nearly 8 years since he left and I am still not over it and worry I never will be. I know I am better off without him but it still sucks and I am afraid to puy myself out there with anyone else. I hate it.

 

OP, it sounds as though this "man" is a monster! I do not know of any parent who punches a child who is not behind bars or in a rubber room. He should not just have been slapped with a RO but also with an assault charge.

 

Has he ever hit you?

 

Does his son, and wife, know he punched his daughter and threatenened to kill her? He sounds like a danger to children. The games he played with both you and his X/W sound completely unhinged. Please count your blessings that you are away from him, and don't look back. Focus on your daughter, and helping her get over the trauma she's been through (and been reminded of) and when she's OK, and you're in a better space yourself, then worry about relationships. For now, though, just put as much distance between yourself and this horror story as you can.

[mackeygirl]

Why would you encourage someone to spend time with a child, when the direct result of your doing so the last time led to him punching the baby and threatening to kill her? Perhaps you think it's fair to give him another chance to are good on his threats?

 

This. I don't think he deserves another chance... not unless he got got serious therapy and it was supervised but I'm weary of even that, but that's not even something I had to worry about as he is not involved. But yes, he threatened our lives, harmed us both, so I took the steps I thought I needed to to protect myself.

 

I am glad I took those steps but again I wish this had not been the road we'd all wound up on. I wish he would have had a relationship with our daughter, that he wouldn't have behaved how he did, but alas this is where we wound up. But it still sucks.

[mackeygirl]

OP, it sounds as though this "man" is a monster! I do not know of any parent who punches a child who is not behind bars or in a rubber room. He should not just have been slapped with a RO but also with an assault charge.

 

It does usually come back to that. I know it should be black and white, he was twisted and awful - get over it, but it's not always that easy. I mean I am glad we're done and over with but it doesn't mean there's not anger over everything.

 

Police didn't really care, small town, they made a report and told us to leave. I filed with the court in my area about trying to get the orders and to try and get his rights removed, CPS got involved but nothing came of it because of the order was their logic. Stupid.

 

Has he ever hit you?

 

He had never ever been violent at all, not even a raised voice. That day he did threaten a lot and did grab and twist my arm when he tried to get me to leave... which was bad enough as far as I was cncerned.

 

 

Does his son, and wife, know he punched his daughter and threatenened to kill her? He sounds like a danger to children. The games he played with both you and his X/W sound completely unhinged. Please count your blessings that you are away from him, and don't look back. Focus on your daughter, and helping her get over the trauma she's been through (and been reminded of) and when she's OK, and you're in a better space yourself, then worry about relationships. For now, though, just put as much distance between yourself and this horror story as you can.

 

His wife (girlfriend at the time) knew about the incident as it happened at their old place. I doubt he would tell his son as I don't even think they are going to tell him about him having a daughter in the first place, they all act like their son is the only child but I don't really know.

 

I just worry so much about a repeat situation - for myself or my daughter. Dating is strange and hard for single parents in so many ways I have learned

[Mr. Lucky]

I think about the what ifs I guess a lot... What if he had gotten over when he was with me, why couldn't he love me questions... what if had decided to step up and be a father to our daughter despite whatever happened with us. I get after everything he wound up doing we are better off without him but I still wish he could have been the better person and been there at least for our daughter

 

What if he could fly? What if he could lay golden eggs? What if, what if, what if...

 

Look, he can't and won't. You rushed into a marriage with a bad dude, a fundamentally flawed, manipulative and evil person. Asking why he doesn't grow a conscience and moral grounding is the very definition of wasted time. I get pining away with past thoughts and regrets if history held sunshine and rainbows but this is a man that deceived you, abused your daughter and abandoned you both. Why on earth would your focus be on looking backwards at that ???

 

You have an obligation to your child that requires that you change your orientation to here and now. Hold him responsible for his financial obligations and that's it, nothing else to do with him. That fact he doesn't want to see either of you is a simplifying factor, use it to put him behind you.

 

Good things come to good people, let that be your mantra going forward. lot's of support here, keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[angel.eyes]

OP, it would have been helpful if you included all the information in one spot instead of starting different threads in different forums. Much of the information that was merged into this thread was missing from the original. That changes the advice.

 

Again, I'm sorry that the breakup was so difficult. Your relationship with him was toxic. It's for the best that you lead separate lives now.

Edited December 28, 2015 by angel.eyes

[lollipopspot]

And it wrecked her so bad. She's been depressed since. We moved which helped some and she's been in therapy since then but it's just so hard. She is so obsessed now with always asking about him and why he didn't want her and what is so wrong with her...

 

You want your answer to why your daughter is unhealthily obsessed with him? Read this:

 

And I'm just mad, hurt, jealous.... I met his parents but they never liked me, they love her and always told him to leave me for her right in front of me before even...

 

Nearly 8 years since he left and I am still not over it and worry I never will be. I know I am better off without him but it still sucks and I am afraid to puy myself out there with anyone else. I hate it.

 

I'm still hurting over everything he did and not just him but the few relationships I have had since then. I'm just lost on how everything happened and still angry and hurt over it all still.

 

Do you not realize that your obsession and pain is rubbing off on your daughter, and in fact you are duplicating it for her, in the comparison of how he treats his other child? I get that someone else told her these things, but it's your job to take the pressure off of the situation and show her another way to live and feel.

 

And I don't care what Facebook says, this guy is not a good husband and father to his current family. He's not a good guy. People often show their best on Facebook, but this is a guy who hit and abandoned his child. People don't compartmentalize to this degree.

 

I'm having a question about you though. Your daughter sounds to be in a lot of pain, and you are still focused on this deadbeat who punched your daughter. I am questioning if you have something mentally going on as well. I don't mean this in an offensive way, but I think you need emotional help so that you don't pass on your anger and mistrust to your child. I think you already have, and it's something she's going to have to deal with for life, but you don't have to make it worse.

Edited December 28, 2015 by lollipopspot

[mackeygirl]

OP, it would have been helpful if you included all the information in one spot instead of starting different threads in different forums. Much of the information that was merged into this thread was missing from the original.

 

Well, the point of two threads was one to talk about my own feelings and another to talk about my daughter. I have my own feelings about the situation with him and my daughter has hers.

[StBreton]

OP...I'm really sorry you've gone through this and been dealt this.

 

Obviously your child's dad is who he is...a super bad guy. What's done is done and he isn't going to change for the time being.

 

What is really evident (as a single mom of 2 youngish kids) is that your daughter is still at a young impressionable age. If I were you, I'd move away...to a new place full of new experiences...and make yours and your daughter's life the best that you can. Treat yourselves to new adventures. You'd be surprised how children forget things and live in the moment.

 

You've mourned the loss of the life you wanted for far too long...you know this. It is time to move forward. Go be the best mom you can be.

 

My sister moved with her kids to a nice warm climate when they were little...she made a good life for those kids...they had a lot of fun growing up...her ex was the true meaning of a dead beat...but she took the bull by the horns and made it happen. I admire her so much for doing that. She could care less what her ex is doing. You can do the same.

[Satu]

A period of courtship and engagement is wise before marriage, to make sure that you are sufficiently compatible for the life - long commitment of marriage. Unfortunately you omitted this step, and only found out who you were after the wedding. A lottery, in effect. It seems likely that you both had a multitude of unmet needs. In particular, an overwhelming need to be loved. You were both seeking a remedy in the other. What matters now is that you identify the needs of yourself and your child, and get them met in healthy and sustainable ways This is both doable, and worth doing. Be willing to spend a few years on it, and you'll be ok. So will your daughter. You will thrive. Take care.

Edited December 28, 2015 by Satu

[mackeygirl]

You want your answer to why your daughter is unhealthily obsessed with him? Read this:

 

Do you not realize that your obsession and pain is rubbing off on your daughter, and in fact you are duplicating it for her, in the comparison of how he treats his other child? I get that someone else told her these things, but it's your job to take the pressure off of the situation and show her another way to live and feel.

 

You have some wrong assumptions here. I have carried around annoyance and hurt but I let it all go the best I could, I have gone to therapy, I have a good job and family and friends. I do not mope around about him but yes sometimes I think about it and get upset.

 

I have never moped about him in front of my daughter, ever. I have never brought up the crap he has done, ever. She would have questions and I would answer them without the details. I would tell her about him, his name, his time in the army, ect. If she asked why he wasn't around I would tell her he thought it would be best if I was the one to raise her, and things like that.

 

I never told her he got married or that he had a son as I did not know until her grandmother told her. I didn't know what was going on his life. I have been trying to take her focus off of him and his new life but it's not always that simple. I have always tried to turn it back around to focusing on our lives, on the people who are in her life, but right now it's still hard on her.

 

I put her in therapy because she was so depressed over it. I can do everything in the world for her but she has the right to still wonder about why he didn't want her and that kills me. I don't have a good answer for that. She asks what is wrong with her and it ticks me off to no end.

 

I provide everything I can for her. She gets everything she needs and most things she wants, too, but she's processing.

 

My daughter is in a lot of pain and I am trying to deal with that but I also have my own feelings and things to deal with as well. Why I made two different posts. Yes she is my main focus but forgive me for getting out my own feelings that I happen to have to. I am an awful mother obviously because I think it sucks my ex pulled a bunch of crap over me too. Excuse me.

[mackeygirl]

If I were you, I'd move away...to a new place full of new experiences...and make yours and your daughter's life the best that you can. Treat yourselves to new adventures. You'd be surprised how children forget things and live in the moment.

 

We actually just moved right before school started, but the problem was she stayed with her grandparents during that time when I was moving us and everything for a few weeks and that is when my stepmom told her all about her dad. If I could up and move again I kind of think I would. It has done her a lot of good though with our new place, new people, new friends, new school. We're in a bigger city and have more to do here. We were living in a very small town/

 

 

 

You've mourned the loss of the life you wanted for far too long...you know this. It is time to move forward. Go be the best mom you can be.

 

My sister moved with her kids to a nice warm climate when they were little...she made a good life for those kids...they had a lot of fun growing up...her ex was the true meaning of a dead beat...but she took the bull by the horns and made it happen. I admire her so much for doing that. She could care less what her ex is doing. You can do the same.

 

Thank you. I think I just bottled it up for so long and it's been breaking me little by little. I try not to talk about him and maybe that was my problem with never fully dealing with it.

[Whoknew30]

Did you press charges when he hit your daughter?