Seemingly interested girls suddenly dissapear?

[xyz1234]

I don't want you to get away with thinking it's only women acting this way. Are you new to online? I have been online almost 4 years and I was ghosted by men several times after 3 dates or after 3 months. It's the ugly side of online dating.

 

Hmm, that's kind of interesting. Honestly though, I still have my doubts that it's nearly as prevalent among men than women. I literally get ghosted on more often than not when getting rejected.

 

There is no logic to it because women are not logical. Their thought processes are so fundamentally different to a man's that we are wasting our time trying to make sense of why they ghost. As far as I understand it their intentions are closely tied in with their feelings and their feelings can change on a six pence. Once they have changed then that is all the justification they need to treat you like they do without at least the decency to tell you that they wish to move on. I am sure for some there is an element of guilt about it, but from what I understand for *most* women it is more the case that they can rationalise and compartmentalise their behaviour so that they don't see that they have done anything wrong by ghosting on a guy who has had 3 great dates and thinks it is going somewhere.

 

Yep, I think you've pretty much hit the nail on the head haha. Really makes me wonder why I even bother. The fact that guys are willing to marry women when so many seem to have their feelings change so suddenly is beyond me, especially when in the majority of divorce cases it's the man who loses EVERYTHING (at least that's how it usually goes where I live).

 

I'm actually seriously considering just never letting myself get emotionally involved, really doesn't seem worth it.

[xyz1234]

A lot of *people* are inconsiderate dude.....women do not have the market cornered on that one!

 

Perhaps you're inclined to read threads mostly from men, but if you read posts from women, plenty of men ghost too!

 

Yes it's rude..and not something I would ever do....BUT after only one or two dates ...if they suddenly ghost, I would not get my knickers in a knot about it either.

 

By ghosting you...they ARE telling you they are not interested....best to just accept that and move on.

 

Curious as to why you need to hear the actual words "sorry, not interested" after only one date.

 

Would that really make you feel better? And how would you respond, "okay cool"?

 

Yes, I would like to hear those words in a situation where the person went out of their way to show interest after a first date and agreed on a day to have a second date. I really could not care less about this loser of a girl, it's just the fact that I was going over date ideas, setting aside time for it, etc, only to have her stop responding. A simple "sorry, not interested" is way better in my eyes.

 

And yes, "okay cool, good luck with everything" is probably about how I'd respond. That's about the response I gave to the last girl who had the decency to actually tell me she wasn't interested, and we still talk as friends...

 

I have had men go totally off on me after telling or texting them (politely) that I am not interested!! I am talking completely psycho!

 

I get that there are some a**hole guys who do that sometimes but... if that's the type of person they are won't they do the same if you disappear? Only now they have more of a reason to be angry? If that's the logic behind girls ghosting I really don't think it makes sense.

 

If she does not respond back (ghost) after only one (or two) dates...isn't it obvious she's not interested? Not getting your confusion or frustration quite frankly.

 

A thicker skin is definitely needed here, if you're gonna be successful at dating.

 

Good luck going forward!

 

Here's the thing, it's not obvious until you've waited a long time and still haven't gotten a response. With a rejection you know what the deal is, right away. With a disappearing act it's like 48 hours before you can really be sure, and even then you wonder if some circumstances may have caused the person to be unable to get back to you (lost their phone, etc). Is it better to rip the band-aid off quickly or slowly?

 

Like I've said many times, I don't care about this sorry excuse for a girl at all haha, I'm just trying to rationalize something that apparently can't be rationalized.

[xyz1234]

We shouldn't be so quick to write off the investment the other person has after 3 dates, especially if there has been intimacy. Of course you should not be glued to your phone but even so after that number of dates it is reasonable to be waiting for a response before deciding after 2 days or so (perhaps longer if they don't usually respond in a timely fashion) that they are not coming back. That period of uncertainty can at best be distracting and at worst downright horrible. The ghoster needs to own that discomfort, not the person waiting to be put out of their misery.

 

Yep, this what I'm saying. In this case I really wasn't that invested at all but in the past it's been like you've explained it. 3 dates over the course of over a month and a lot of talking and getting to know one another, only to get ghosted on.

[SwordofFlame]

I would think ghosting within the first three dates tends to be done more by women because at that stage it's usually the guy initiating everything.

[xyz1234]

I wasn't talking about three dates or after sex. In that case, yes, something should be said.....and I would expect it to be said.

 

Maybe I read the OP wrong, but they had ONE date...and some texting .... after which she stopped responding.

 

My opinion still stands, after only ONE date, I do not think it is a big deal if they don't respond back. Obviously, he/she is not interested.....so just move on.

 

And if someone becomes so invested after only *one* date ...so as to be so frustrated or hurt over their date not responding back....that's on them.

 

So yes, it was only one date, but does scheduling a second date not count for something? I mean if she had shown little to no interest and hadn't agreed on a day to see each other again saying "yeah, that sounds like fun" etc, that's one thing. I just think it's a pretty rude thing to do when you've already made plans and everything.

 

Anyway, like I've said, this isn't a problem with not having thick skin. I'm really over this girl, it's just knowing that I'm going to have to deal with women continuously pulling the same crap just kinda sucks.

[katiegrl]

Yes, I would like to hear those words in a situation where the person went out of their way to show interest after a first date and agreed on a day to have a second date. I really could not care less about this loser of a girl, it's just the fact that I was going over date ideas, setting aside time for it, etc, only to have her stop responding. A simple "sorry, not interested" is way better in my eyes.

 

And yes, "okay cool, good luck with everything" is probably about how I'd respond. That's about the response I gave to the last girl who had the decency to actually tell me she wasn't interested, and we still talk as friends...

 

 

 

I get that there are some a**hole guys who do that sometimes but... if that's the type of person they are won't they do the same if you disappear? Only now they have more of a reason to be angry? If that's the logic behind girls ghosting I really don't think it makes sense.

 

 

 

Here's the thing, it's not obvious until you've waited a long time and still haven't gotten a response. With a rejection you know what the deal is, right away. With a disappearing act it's like 48 hours before you can really be sure, and even then you wonder if some circumstances may have caused the person to be unable to get back to you (lost their phone, etc). Is it better to rip the band-aid off quickly or slowly?

 

Like I've said many times, I don't care about this sorry excuse for a girl at all haha, I'm just trying to rationalize something that apparently can't be rationalized.

 

Fair points, and I actually do agree .....it is rude, said it earlier.

 

But you have two choices...

 

(1) Not let it get to ya so much, and chalk it up to she is rude and inconsiderate and move on, or

 

(2) Allow it to affect you negatively... and shape your opinion of all women and all future dating experiences...

 

I vote for number 2 ... .but your choice...

Edited December 29, 2015 by katiegrl

[SoThatHappened]

Sorry ladies. In my experience you do it more often than men.

 

It's cowardly.

 

I'll always respect the girl who just told me "there was no spark" more than the women who go completely silent.

 

You're not that hard to figure out. We know what you're doing, just too chicken to confront/admit it.

 

If you don't like us, you'd be surprised how quickly we'd move on from a couple dates than when you stick your head in the sand. Even a weak "excuse" is better than ghosting.

 

If you don't feel it, then tell the dude. Absolutely no reason to keep him guessing/trying. Just tell the guy. He'll be fine and he will at least respect you for having the ovaries to say something... anything!

 

Only woman I've ever ghosted was a crazy person from OLD. Every single other woman, dozens, were told why I didn't want things to continue. Still friends with all of the women I briefly dated. No reason to ghost anyone unless they breakup with YOU.

[xyz1234]

Sorry ladies. In my experience you do it more often than men.

 

It's cowardly.

 

I'll always respect the girl who just told me "there was no spark" more than the women who go completely silent.

 

You're not that hard to figure out. We know what you're doing, just too chicken to confront/admit it.

 

If you don't like us, you'd be surprised how quickly we'd move on from a couple dates than when you stick your head in the sand. Even a weak "excuse" is better than ghosting.

 

If you don't feel it, then tell the dude. Absolutely no reason to keep him guessing/trying. Just tell the guy. He'll be fine and he will at least respect you for having the ovaries to say something... anything!

 

Only woman I've ever ghosted was a crazy person from OLD. Every single other woman, dozens, were told why I didn't want things to continue. Still friends with all of the women I briefly dated. No reason to ghost anyone unless they breakup with YOU.

 

Agreed, man. I guess we can't fully see the other side of the coin, at least not personally since we don't have any opportunities to get ghosted by guys haha, but I've never had any female friends mention it happening to them.

 

But I guess that's just the way things work for whatever reason, and as annoying as it is I have to deal with it. It's just kind of a bummer because I think it's part of the reason it has been taking me longer and longer to let myself fall for a person. You just never know when they're going to disappear.

[xyz1234]

So last night she actually texted. More than 72 hours later haha. She said sorry and that she basically slept all day Sunday (the day we were supposed to get together). So... what happened Saturday night, Monday, and the majority of Tuesday?

 

I responded after a while and just said "hah oh gotcha." I really don't care at this point haha.

 

I'll never understand people like this. A couple years ago I went on a few dates with a girl, only to have her stop responding to my texts for like 5 days. Then she apologized and gave a lame excuse. Eventually she asked me out and I just said nah, and she replied back with a sad face haha. Never spoke to her again.

 

Maybe some girls just get caught mid-ghost realizing that maybe they are still interested. Maybe it's some kind of game they play, trying to see if a guy will lose their sh*t about them ghosting. I guess the world will never know haha.

[Gaeta]

Maybe some girls just get caught mid-ghost realizing that maybe they are still interested. Maybe it's some kind of game they play, trying to see if a guy will lose their sh*t about them ghosting. I guess the world will never know haha.

 

When I started this dating 3-4 years ago I wanted to know the 'whys'. I'd get bogged down on finding the reasons men ghosted or flaked. Now it never even cross my mind to understand why they do it. I have no brain energy to waste on these people.

[czen]

Alright so I'm really not sure why everyone is so hung up on the fact that we texted for two weeks. Neither of us had time to hang out since it was one of the busiest two weeks of the year for both parties. She was managing a retail store and working 70 hour weeks. She had told me that the last guy she dated was too clingy... I'm not sure what else I was supposed to do haha.

 

Ugh, is this really what women want from a guy? To try to plan a second date during the first date? I mean, I think it's a good idea to try to get an idea for something to do for another date but I don't get why everything seems to have to be a rush. Are there any women out there who are like me and just want to meet someone and date casually until they see if things click? Dating someone more than once a week in the initial stages of dating just seems like the type of thing people who are trying to force a relationship would do. I dunno, maybe it's just me, my life experiences have turned me into probably the opposite of a romantic. But... I have a life, I'm not looking for someone I just met to take up the majority of my free time.

 

I think it is great to have a busy life, but if I was interested in a girl, and I would only be able to see her once every two/three weeks, then it would be really hard to get that momentum going. You want to get to know the person and fall for each other. You can't develop that same kind of connection over text. Also, a part of me would wonder if she is really that busy, if she is just dating a bunch of other people, or that she is not that interested in dating after all, and is more keeping me around for when she needs me.

 

So I think the majority would not go for what you want, but if that's really what you want to go for, try to find someone who is just as busy as you and also does not really have the desire to want to be with a person more than a few times a month. Or just wait and maybe a few years down the road when perhaps finding a partner is more of a priority for you and you are willing to open up more time for it.