xyz1234 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 So I just wanted to share something that I experience way more than I think I should, and was wondering if this is a common thing. I do the majority of my dating via online dating, and I consider myself a pretty normal, easy to talk to guy so most of my first dates go well. What I've been experiencing is a lot of girls show interest after the first date, but then randomly stop responding to texts before the second date. Most recently I went out with a girl a couple weeks ago. She works at a mall and I needed to pick something up at the mall on the night of our first date, so she asked me to meet her at the store she manages since she was going to go in and get some work done anyway and then we could go to a bar and get drinks afterward. So the date goes well and when I get home afterward she texts and says she had a great time, and that she hopes she wasn't too awkward. We talk basically every day for the next two weeks, and things were busy with the holidays but we both agreed we wanted to see each other again. Toward the end of the week I asked if she's going to be free at all over the weekend and she says she isn't working on Sunday so we plan to do something that day but don't make solid plans yet. She's still texting/Snapchatting and seems interested. So on Saturday I ask when she's free to hang out on Sunday... no response. Sunday night comes around and I text "haha or not." I really don't care much if she responds at this point (really, the point of this post isn't that I'm butt hurt about this one girl), but it seems like this sort of behavior is more common than it should be. Here is something I don't understand. She told me about this one guy she went on a couple dates with and rejected who will not stop bugging her and asking why she won't give him another chance. Now, I understand that situations like this can make someone pretty gun shy about rejecting someone but just disappearing is a pretty lame thing to do. I feel like that would piss a guy off more than a flat out rejection, and some weird guys might even wonder what's wrong and show up at her workplace (odd that she'd let me know where she works so soon after her experience with this other creepy guy). Do other guys experience this a lot? And do women feel this is somehow better than just explaining that they were interested but had a change or heart, or whatever the case may be? It's funny, it seems like even the most straight-forward, blunt, no BS type girls still pull this crap haha.
Xiomn Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Don't text every day, a handful of texts at most every few days. You don't want to continuously text someone when you're dating/in-between dates Only text to set up/confirm dates. 1
Philosopher Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 We talk basically every day for the next two weeks, and things were busy with the holidays but we both agreed we wanted to see each other again. Toward the end of the week I asked if she's going to be free at all over the weekend and she says she isn't working on Sunday so we plan to do something that day but don't make solid plans yet. She's still texting/Snapchatting and seems interested. There are two things I have noticed which could help you in getting second dates. Firstly in my opinion you should be asking to meet up one or two days after the first date. From what you say above, it implies you took two weeks before you asked her out for another date. A vague agreement between the two of you of wanting to see each other again does not count. After two weeks of waiting for you to ask her out, she will probably have assumed you are either no longer interested in dating her or you just wanted to be her texting buddy. Secondly ditch the texting when setting up a second date, you should call them instead of texting them. Texting can be good to establish a bond between dates. However when setting up a date you need to call them. It will show you that you are interested and it will make it a lot easier to firm up some solid plans as you will not be waiting for their reply on whether they are free on the day you suggest. 2
SwordofFlame Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Do other guys experience this a lot? And do women feel this is somehow better than just explaining that they were interested but had a change or heart, or whatever the case may be? It's funny, it seems like even the most straight-forward, blunt, no BS type girls still pull this crap haha. This is pretty normal for online dating. Maybe the woman met someone better, maybe she changed her mind, maybe she was just being nice and friendly. You really can't put too much stock on what they say during or between dates. Pay attention to her actions instead. 3
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Do other guys experience this a lot? And do women feel this is somehow better than just explaining that they were interested but had a change or heart, or whatever the case may be? It's funny, it seems like even the most straight-forward, blunt, no BS type girls still pull this crap haha. People have changes of heart all the time. I am a frequent user of Online dating and your story is pretty much everyone's story here. That being said I am a woman and I can point a few things to you. If your lady is attractive she gets tons of messages and you're part of the lucky one she agreed to go on a date with. If that date was good and she showed interest in seeing you again - you must - I insist! You must set the second date asap!! to beat your competition. That girl didn't stop meeting men from online while waiting for you to get your act together and she probably met someone else who got her full attention. 2
Author xyz1234 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Don't text every day, a handful of texts at most every few days. You don't want to continuously text someone when you're dating/in-between dates Only text to set up/confirm dates. It's really not every day, more like most days (I shouldn't have said "basically every day"), and it's not constant or one-sided. If your lady is attractive she gets tons of messages and you're part of the lucky one she agreed to go on a date with. If that date was good and she showed interest in seeing you again - you must - I insist! You must set the second date asap!! to beat your competition. That girl didn't stop meeting men from online while waiting for you to get your act together and she probably met someone else who got her full attention. Well for one, she's not that attractive. To be honest, I'm probably considered better looking, and I have a better job, etc. And I swear I'm a down to earth guy and definitely not arrogant or anything. I'd never say things like this to someone in person, only to strangers on the internet, haha. As far as the fact that I didn't set up a second date asap, I'm not looking to get serious with someone and start seeing them multiple times a week, quickly. And even if I did, she manages a retail store and we met two weeks before Christmas... it's not like she had a ton of time to hang out. Also, we met on Hinge where it only allows you to talk to so many people at a time, so I doubt she was getting bombarded with messages. But what you say about how attractive girls get so many messages is one of my biggest gripes about online dating actually. I think it basically forces guys to date down. Girls who are in my league probably get at least 10x the amount of messages I do and then pick from the absolute cream of the crop. There are two things I have noticed which could help you in getting second dates. Firstly in my opinion you should be asking to meet up one or two days after the first date. From what you say above, it implies you took two weeks before you asked her out for another date. A vague agreement between the two of you of wanting to see each other again does not count. After two weeks of waiting for you to ask her out, she will probably have assumed you are either no longer interested in dating her or you just wanted to be her texting buddy. Secondly ditch the texting when setting up a second date, you should call them instead of texting them. Texting can be good to establish a bond between dates. However when setting up a date you need to call them. It will show you that you are interested and it will make it a lot easier to firm up some solid plans as you will not be waiting for their reply on whether they are free on the day you suggest. I honestly forget when it was that I implied that I wanted to see her again, but I'm thinking it was probably in the conversation we had when she texted after the date. Like I said above, it was a very busy two weeks for both of us which was why it took time for me to try to set up the second date. I actually think I may have tried asking when she was free another time but she had no real free time for the foreseeable future. Also, if the fact that I waited a little while was the issue why would she only stop responding to texts once I actually try to make plans for the second date? Doesn't make sense haha. As far as calling instead of texting, this girl is 22 and in my experience just about no one calls to set up a date at that age. I'm 28 and the majority of girls I've dated I've spoken to on the phone little to never. I get that it shows interest but I could tell that this is the type of girl who probably would have been more weirded out if I had called than anything else haha.
smackie9 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 She prob had other options. Just move on. If she was really into you, she would have made time to see you.
Author xyz1234 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 She prob had other options. Just move on. If she was really into you, she would have made time to see you. Oh I've moved on, I really couldn't care less and I'm dating other people as it is. I'm just trying to figure out the rationality behind the "disappearing act" that it seems like the majority of women seem to think is a good way of going about things, haha. I have dated people where I'd just stop initiating texting and things would fizzle out, but I've never had a girl text me and instead of politely rejecting her (as much as rejecting someone kills me), just not respond. I just find it kind of disrespectful and cowardly. And I fully understand that things are different for women and they have to worry about a guy not handling rejection well and becoming a stalker or whatever but... how is just disappearing on a guy better/safer?
czen Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I agree with Xiomn, I think your mistake is texting too much, over such a long period of time. Like let's say if you have your date on Saturday, all went well, just send a couple more a day after that that to show that you're still interested and maybe a day or two after that to plant the seed for the next date. I would actually already plant the seed during the first date. I'm sure at some point you tell a story which involves a fun activity/location. Then just simply add "Hey, we should do that sometimes!". If you presented it well, and the date is going well, she should be enthusiastic. That makes it easier to ask her out later on. You will have a specific plan in mind, which makes it easier to say yes to than some random vague "Wanna do something...sometime?". Just please stop texting her for two weeks (normally you can't really text your way into her bed/heart) and focus on using it as a way to set up new dates. Instead of texting, just lead your life. And don't wait two weeks again. Try to have the next date within 7 days of the first one.
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 that it seems like the majority of women seem to think is a good way of going about things, haha. Believe me, it's not just a women thing. Men do it as often. 1
Author xyz1234 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 I agree with Xiomn, I think your mistake is texting too much, over such a long period of time. Like let's say if you have your date on Saturday, all went well, just send a couple more a day after that that to show that you're still interested and maybe a day or two after that to plant the seed for the next date. I would actually already plant the seed during the first date. I'm sure at some point you tell a story which involves a fun activity/location. Then just simply add "Hey, we should do that sometimes!". If you presented it well, and the date is going well, she should be enthusiastic. That makes it easier to ask her out later on. You will have a specific plan in mind, which makes it easier to say yes to than some random vague "Wanna do something...sometime?". Just please stop texting her for two weeks (normally you can't really text your way into her bed/heart) and focus on using it as a way to set up new dates. Instead of texting, just lead your life. And don't wait two weeks again. Try to have the next date within 7 days of the first one. Alright so I'm really not sure why everyone is so hung up on the fact that we texted for two weeks. Neither of us had time to hang out since it was one of the busiest two weeks of the year for both parties. She was managing a retail store and working 70 hour weeks. She had told me that the last guy she dated was too clingy... I'm not sure what else I was supposed to do haha. Ugh, is this really what women want from a guy? To try to plan a second date during the first date? I mean, I think it's a good idea to try to get an idea for something to do for another date but I don't get why everything seems to have to be a rush. Are there any women out there who are like me and just want to meet someone and date casually until they see if things click? Dating someone more than once a week in the initial stages of dating just seems like the type of thing people who are trying to force a relationship would do. I dunno, maybe it's just me, my life experiences have turned me into probably the opposite of a romantic. But... I have a life, I'm not looking for someone I just met to take up the majority of my free time.
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Alright so I'm really not sure why everyone is so hung up on the fact that we texted for two weeks. Neither of us had time to hang out since it was one of the busiest two weeks of the year for both parties. She was managing a retail store and working 70 hour weeks. She had told me that the last guy she dated was too clingy... I'm not sure what else I was supposed to do haha. Ugh, is this really what women want from a guy? To try to plan a second date during the first date? I mean, I think it's a good idea to try to get an idea for something to do for another date but I don't get why everything seems to have to be a rush. Are there any women out there who are like me and just want to meet someone and date casually until they see if things click? Dating someone more than once a week in the initial stages of dating just seems like the type of thing people who are trying to force a relationship would do. I dunno, maybe it's just me, my life experiences have turned me into probably the opposite of a romantic. But... I have a life, I'm not looking for someone I just met to take up the majority of my free time. There are 10s of variables you need to consider. There is no 1 answer fits all. It depends on: * What you are looking for * What is your current situation ex: recently our of a re-ship etc * The time you have available * Age At 50 I know what I want and I don't need to be slowly eased in a relationship. I got some living under my belt and I know what I want and don't want. If you are recently single and not looking for steady dating then be up front about it right from the get go. I just read later in your thread that you were not looking for anything serious, if so forget about scheduling a second date right away.That's an advice for men in search of something steady. 1
Philosopher Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Alright so I'm really not sure why everyone is so hung up on the fact that we texted for two weeks. Neither of us had time to hang out since it was one of the busiest two weeks of the year for both parties. She was managing a retail store and working 70 hour weeks. She had told me that the last guy she dated was too clingy... I'm not sure what else I was supposed to do haha. Around Christmas / New Year time, this problem of either you or the person you are dating not having time to date due to parties, Christmas shopping, visiting relatives, etc is a frequent problem. However not meeting up for two weeks or more in my experience usually results in a loss of dating momentum, therefore it is usually best to try and meet up quite soon after the first date. The best way round this would be to give online dating a rest in December and resume it in January when people are generally more free.
smackie9 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Dude you didn't do anything wrong....stop with the coulda shoulda woulda....she already had her mind made up. She was just attention whoring with the snapchat crap.
Author xyz1234 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 There are 10s of variables you need to consider. There is no 1 answer fits all. It depends on: * What you are looking for * What is your current situation ex: recently our of a re-ship etc * The time you have available * Age At 50 I know what I want and I don't need to be slowly eased in a relationship. I got some living under my belt and I know what I want and don't want. If you are recently single and not looking for steady dating then be up front about it right from the get go. I just read later in your thread that you were not looking for anything serious, if so forget about scheduling a second date right away.That's an advice for men in search of something steady. Really I'm not looking for 100% casual though. I'm not recently out of a relationship or anything like that, I just believe that it's never good to rush things in dating. I see so many people change their relationship status on Facebook just to change it back to single a few weeks later. How about actually getting to know someone before jumping in head first and getting your hopes up? I guess for me my worst dating experience was with someone who escalated everything way too quickly, and like an idiot I went along with it. I'm just cautious now, and feel that I should get to really know someone before letting them take up a large part of my time. And getting to know and trust someone takes way more time than it seems people are willing to take before they're head-over-heels in love and get heartbroken when they come to find the person they're dating isn't who they thought they were.
Author xyz1234 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Around Christmas / New Year time, this problem of either you or the person you are dating not having time to date due to parties, Christmas shopping, visiting relatives, etc is a frequent problem. However not meeting up for two weeks or more in my experience usually results in a loss of dating momentum, therefore it is usually best to try and meet up quite soon after the first date. The best way round this would be to give online dating a rest in December and resume it in January when people are generally more free. The thing is, I'm fine with not having much time to date. I honestly don't set aside more than a day or two a week to date in the initial stages anyway, so this time of year is probably the best time for me to date since the other person is busy too. Dude you didn't do anything wrong....stop with the coulda shoulda woulda....she already had her mind made up. She was just attention whoring with the snapchat crap. Oh I know I did nothing wrong, and I'm not thinking about the coulda shoulda woulda. I think this whole thread got kind of off topic, I really don't care about this particular girl and if waiting two weeks during a busy time of year made things lose momentum or whatever then so be it. I was just trying to figure out what's up with the girls I date just disappearing instead of saying they're not interested, like decent human beings. I went on three good dates with a girl once and took her to an NHL hockey game for the last one because I knew she really wanted to go, only to have to her just disappear. Classy.
SoThatHappened Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 OP, This has happened to me in my recent/fresh OLD experience as well as prior experiences. A woman is interested, great dates/conversation, then gone. Don't read into it at all. Especially where YOU are concerned. You did nothing wrong (texting/dates/etc.) Sorry ladies, but you fall off the face of the earth at the drop of a hat more than us guys do. I don't know a single guy (and I'm 35) who's ever done the stuff I've experienced from women when it comes to ghosting. I know men do it too, but I honestly don't believe, IME, it's as prevalent. If a girl's "not feeling it" or is getting "other attention", you're now on the back burner and she's doing the most immature thing there is: ignoring you. Just let it go. You'll likely experience this more with OLD and realize it has nothing to do with you. 1
Author xyz1234 Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 OP, This has happened to me in my recent/fresh OLD experience as well as prior experiences. A woman is interested, great dates/conversation, then gone. Don't read into it at all. Especially where YOU are concerned. You did nothing wrong (texting/dates/etc.) Sorry ladies, but you fall off the face of the earth at the drop of a hat more than us guys do. I don't know a single guy (and I'm 35) who's ever done the stuff I've experienced from women when it comes to ghosting. I know men do it too, but I honestly don't believe, IME, it's as prevalent. If a girl's "not feeling it" or is getting "other attention", you're now on the back burner and she's doing the most immature thing there is: ignoring you. Just let it go. You'll likely experience this more with OLD and realize it has nothing to do with you. Yeah, I'd have to agree that I'm pretty sure I've never heard of any guys I know suddenly ghosting on a girl before. 3 out of the last 5 girls who have rejected me have done it by disappearing, and after showing signs of interest. And it's not like I'm pestering these girls, having them think I'm crazy, or anything like that. I get no response, I text once or twice more a couple days later, and that's it. Two of them still have me as FB/Snapchat friends haha. It just blows my mind. I guess I just have to face the fact that most of the women I meet just aren't good people. The whole "treat others as you'd like to be treated" thing doesn't apply to them apparently. Kind of sucks when dating has you losing faith in human decency. Anyway, I guess what I was trying to figure out is the logic behind it. Maybe there's just no understanding it, and a lot of women are just inconsiderate. 2
insert_name Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Yeah, I'd have to agree that I'm pretty sure I've never heard of any guys I know suddenly ghosting on a girl before. 3 out of the last 5 girls who have rejected me have done it by disappearing, and after showing signs of interest. And it's not like I'm pestering these girls, having them think I'm crazy, or anything like that. I get no response, I text once or twice more a couple days later, and that's it. Two of them still have me as FB/Snapchat friends haha. It just blows my mind. I guess I just have to face the fact that most of the women I meet just aren't good people. The whole "treat others as you'd like to be treated" thing doesn't apply to them apparently. Kind of sucks when dating has you losing faith in human decency. Anyway, I guess what I was trying to figure out is the logic behind it. Maybe there's just no understanding it, and a lot of women are just inconsiderate. There is no logic to it because women are not logical. Their thought processes are so fundamentally different to a man's that we are wasting our time trying to make sense of why they ghost. As far as I understand it their intentions are closely tied in with their feelings and their feelings can change on a six pence. Once they have changed then that is all the justification they need to treat you like they do without at least the decency to tell you that they wish to move on. I am sure for some there is an element of guilt about it, but from what I understand for *most* women it is more the case that they can rationalise and compartmentalise their behaviour so that they don't see that they have done anything wrong by ghosting on a guy who has had 3 great dates and thinks it is going somewhere. 2
Gaeta Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Anyway, I guess what I was trying to figure out is the logic behind it. Maybe there's just no understanding it, and a lot of women are just inconsiderate. I don't want you to get away with thinking it's only women acting this way. Are you new to online? I have been online almost 4 years and I was ghosted by men several times after 3 dates or after 3 months. It's the ugly side of online dating. 1
katiegrl Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 (edited) Yeah, I'd have to agree that I'm pretty sure I've never heard of any guys I know suddenly ghosting on a girl before. 3 out of the last 5 girls who have rejected me have done it by disappearing, and after showing signs of interest. And it's not like I'm pestering these girls, having them think I'm crazy, or anything like that. I get no response, I text once or twice more a couple days later, and that's it. Two of them still have me as FB/Snapchat friends haha. It just blows my mind. I guess I just have to face the fact that most of the women I meet just aren't good people. The whole "treat others as you'd like to be treated" thing doesn't apply to them apparently. Kind of sucks when dating has you losing faith in human decency. Anyway, I guess what I was trying to figure out is the logic behind it. **Maybe there's just no understanding it, and a lot of women are just inconsiderate. A lot of *people* are inconsiderate dude.....women do not have the market cornered on that one! Perhaps you're inclined to read threads mostly from men, but if you read posts from women, plenty of men ghost too! Yes it's rude..and not something I would ever do....BUT after only one or two dates ...if they suddenly ghost, I would not get my knickers in a knot about it either. By ghosting you...they ARE telling you they are not interested....best to just accept that and move on. Curious as to why you need to hear the actual words "sorry, not interested" after only one date. Would that really make you feel better? And how would you respond, "okay cool"? I have had men go totally off on me after telling or texting them (politely) that I am not interested!! I am talking completely psycho! If she does not respond back (ghost) after only one (or two) dates...isn't it obvious she's not interested? Not getting your confusion or frustration quite frankly. A thicker skin is definitely needed here, if you're gonna be successful at dating. Good luck going forward! Edited December 29, 2015 by katiegrl
insert_name Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 A lot of *people* are inconsiderate dude.....women do not have the market cornered on that one! Perhaps you're inclined to read threads mostly from men, but if you read posts from women, plenty of men ghost too! Yes it's rude..and not something I would ever do....BUT after only one or two dates ...if they suddenly ghost, I would not get my knickers in a knot about it either. By ghosting you...they ARE telling you they are not interested....best to just accept that and move on. Curious as why you need to hear the actual words "sorry, not interested" after only one date. Would that really make you feel better? And how would you respond, "okay cool"? I have had men go totally off on me after telling or texting them (politely) that I am not interested!! I am talking completely psycho! If she does not respond back (ghost) after only one (or two) dates...isn't it obvious she's not interested? Not getting your confusion or frustration quite frankly. A thicker skin is definitely needed here, if you're gonna be successful at dating. Good luck going forward! We shouldn't be so quick to write off the investment the other person has after 3 dates, especially if there has been intimacy. Of course you should not be glued to your phone but even so after that number of dates it is reasonable to be waiting for a response before deciding after 2 days or so (perhaps longer if they don't usually respond in a timely fashion) that they are not coming back. That period of uncertainty can at best be distracting and at worst downright horrible. The ghoster needs to own that discomfort, not the person waiting to be put out of their misery.
hasaquestion Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Part of the problem is that "disappear suddenly" is not well defined. A lot of sudden disappearances are only sudden because the surprised party is oblivious or obtuse. I'm not saying it's justified. But that's how it is.
katiegrl Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 (edited) We shouldn't be so quick to write off the investment the other person has after 3 dates, especially if there has been intimacy. Of course you should not be glued to your phone but even so after that number of dates it is reasonable to be waiting for a response before deciding after 2 days or so (perhaps longer if they don't usually respond in a timely fashion) that they are not coming back. That period of uncertainty can at best be distracting and at worst downright horrible. The ghoster needs to own that discomfort, not the person waiting to be put out of their misery. I wasn't talking about three dates or after sex. In that case, yes, something should be said.....and I would expect it to be said. Maybe I read the OP wrong, but they had ONE date...and some texting .... after which she stopped responding. My opinion still stands, after only ONE date, I do not think it is a big deal if they don't respond back. Obviously, he/she is not interested.....so just move on. And if someone becomes so invested after only *one* date ...so as to be so frustrated or hurt over their date not responding back....that's on them. Dating requires resiliency, and a thick skin. The ability to handle rejection without sinking into a depression. Not that this applies to the OP but I have read many posts from men who *have* allowed rejection (after only one or two dates) to affect them that deeply. It is not easy! Edited December 29, 2015 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Part of the problem is that "disappear suddenly" is not well defined. A lot of sudden disappearances are only sudden because the surprised party is oblivious or obtuse. I'm not saying it's justified. But that's how it is. This is true.... After only one meet or date...what are they *suddenly disappearing" from anyway? There was nothing there to disappear from.....they had ONE date. My opinion.
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