mojacar99 Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Hi everyone, I've been reading this forum for about 6 or 7 months, without posting - but I've decided it's time to jump in and share. It's been helpful to see I'm not alone in my struggles... so many people's stories are so similiar. That's reassuring. I've done something bad, but I think it may have helped... but I don't know what to do next. Here's my quick scoop: I dated a great girl for 3 years, but I ended it last spring when I realized I was developing strong feelings for someone else -- an old acquaintence from highschool (that's about 8 or 9 yrs ago) who I had started to spend more time with. Rather than dealing with the emotional fallout from my 3 year relationship, I jumped into one with this other girl, and even went to Europe with her for a month. I think the quick jump made me fall for her hard... And, she was always hesitant about getting involved with me, but I guess I convinced her because we ended up having a great summer with lots of good romance, sex, and fun times... in Europe and at home. Much of her hesitation was from the fact that she was beginning grad school in another city (but still only 45 mins away) in the fall, and wanted to 'do it on her own'. Well, fall rolls around last year, and she puts us on 'a break' - which she told me she'd warned me about. This break turns into a horrendously drawn out on-again, off-again relationship that was taxing on me. After 2 months, we finally call it quits (with me being quite upset about it) when I realized she had started to make 'white lies' to me so that she could get out of time commitments she had made. Lying to protect my feelings, and to make it easier on her, I guess... but man did it hurt. So, I initiate NC, it lasts all of 2 weeks, and I buckle when she invites me to her school to give a presentation to a club she's involved with on an area I have some expertise. I visit her, give the presentation and when spending the nite (seperate beds) manage not to fall apart into tears or any of the other embarrasing things I had done during our extended break. At this point, as far as she's concerned we're friends again, and I'm all cool with stuff (I was holding it all inside, but I collapsed on the bus ride home). While I'm visiting her though, I see her email password posted on her desk (really)... I get home, and (1st bad thing) I check her emails to find all of these flirtatious notes and date plans with many of the guys she's meeting in her new program. This absoluteluy wrecks me, and I turn into 'that guy': obsessed about his ex having sex with someone else, etc. I continue to read her email for 3 days, and it's making me nuts, so I then realize my downward spiral and initiate a strict-strict NC: I delete/block her from MSN, get rid of old emails, make no attempts to be in touch, and I stop answering her calls. I didn't tell her I was doing NC, I just did it. I think it takes her about 3 weeks to realize this, because after me not getting back to her for a month, she leaves a voice message at home "I'm worried you're sick or something's happened, etc.". I send her a short, polite note to the effect of "I'm fine, thanks, and Happy New Year", but don't mention NC. Got the message across I cared not to speak to her right now, because her regular phone calls stopped. So, 4 months go by, and I continue to hold strong on the NC, including not checking her email. I cope daily OK, but still think of her ALL the time. Out of the blue she emails me a "haven't heard from you in forever, how's this and that?" email (don't they always? seems that way on the board). Anyway, I don't reply and hold out another month because I can't figure out if I should reply and if so, what I should say. We come to last night, and I decide deliberately to check her email (2nd bad thing) to see what's up in her life. In a perverse way, I wanted this knowledge to help me set the tone for a reply email: if she's all fine and dandy, then I'm less inclined to respond or be outgoing. So, I find all these lovey emails between her and what is clearly her new BF of the past few months. The thought of this kept me up all night, but here's the odd bit: I kind of like knowing that she has moved on fully, and is seeing someone new. It's not quite a feeling of closure, but it makes the reality of us being over that much more, well.... real. I know I was a bad man for snooping, but it gave me info without totally breaking NC (in terms of what they are aware of). I honestly believe she wants to stay friends, as her email and previous attempts suggest. I'm sure part of it is knowing I'm still around, but she's not a total beast and does seem to value me as a friend. BUT, not only do I not feel ready for friendship with her, I still feel like I want her to pay and feel bad about hurting me so much. It's petty, but true. And, I want her to feel like she's really lost someone great (my work and lifestyle kind of fascinate her, hence some our initial attraction), who treated her brilliantly. I want her to know she can't just break someone's heart and then turn them into a friend on her timeline with some trite emails. So, here's my dilemmas and questions: I suspect I'll outgrow my petty resentments to her in time... but that feels so far off... it helps me now to know she's really moved on with someone else, but makes it hard when she's trying to stay friends. Have people here made this type of transition? From resentment and heart broken to forgive and forget friendships? In the meantime: What is more effective in making people feel bad? Do I make a stronger impact by (A) not replying to her email from 4 weeks ago or (B) making a short response that suggests I'm great but don't care about what's going on with her? Is withholding my friendship an effective type of revenge??? OK - quite a long post. Thanks for reading if you made it through... I'd welcome any thoughts or advice about any of the above... including my depravity. M
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 BUT, not only do I not feel ready for friendship with her, I still feel like I want her to pay and feel bad about hurting me so much. Send her an email saying this. Its brutal, but will definitely be something she needs to hear. Then, cut her off cold. 'No contact' whatsoever. If she tries to contact you after the email, shut her down. If she comes to you in person, walk away from her without saying a word. If she sends you any 'love' type crap, do not respond: print it out and make sure her boyfriend gets it. In time, she will stop trying to contact you and then you'll be able to get started in the process of deleting her from your heart and head. Until your feelings are resolved and put to rest, there is no point in playing the 'fake friends' game with her.
scarlyjones Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Be ABOVE that. I mean,..how old are you? Move on !! I cant believe you are asking how to hurt someone more. Resentment stifles your growth. It unhealthy. Has no positive outcome and looks very ugly on people. Grow up and move on.
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