crispylinks7 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 (edited) Recently, I got into an argument with a friend because I told her that her relationship seemed "fake". Basically, she's been in a relationship for about 2 years, but she never says anything good about him. In fact, her current relationship started because her ex-bf cheated on her two years ago. So it started as a rebound, but stayed because he was the easy way out. So she told me that she met another guy. All they've done is "talk", and are "just friends". He apparently confessed to liking her, but she doesn't want to give him a chance and is running away from him. Here's some of the things she said to describe both the boyfriend and the new guy (which made me want to rip my hair out): On boyfriend I know my relationship looks weird, but this works for meAll I remember is that someone cheated on me and it hurt like hellI'm content right nowWe usually meet up for casual sex, we don't hang out that often On new guy He's the type of guy you give your heart to, and I can't give my heart to someone. Last time I did that, I got cheated on.How do I know he's not just using me? What if he dumps me right after he gets me?I'm already with someone who can't hurt me. So I can't take the chance with this guy. What if I get attached? Is she a lost cause? I never met the other guy so I'm not sure if he's worth pursuing. But at the very least, the way she describes her current boyfriend makes me cringe. Edited December 28, 2015 by crispylinks7
Snakechammah Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Maybe her boyfriend is a good man and she wants to stay faithful? Her relationship is her business. You have your opinions but we don't really know the true dynamics of their relationship. Maybe the boyfriend treats her well? Maybe he respects her and makes her feel secure? Maybe deep inside she really loves him? As a friend, why are you encouraging her to cheat???
czen Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 How old are these people? Anyways, I would just stay out of her business, it's her choice. I mean, I think her reasoning is very wrong, but you can't do more than show your POV.
AspenBaldwin Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Your friend dates for the sake of free meals and the possibility of expensive wine.
Buck Turgidson Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 If she says that the relationship looks weird but it works for her, then it would be patronizing of you to tell her otherwise, in the absence of contrary evidence (like abuse). If you absolutely must, you're allowed to raise a concern once a year or so. That's your privilege as a friend. But it's not for you to judge her relationship. It's for you to believe her when she tells you she wants something, even if it's not something you would want. To answer your question: Not everyone wants to be on the "relationship ladder", or on the ladder right now. Dating is fun in and of itself. You get companionship, good food, conversation, excitement, sex, and freedom from lifelong commitment. And she's specifically told you she's in it largely for the sex and freedom. She is not obligated to be in a marriage-bound relationship. That's apparently your preference, not hers, and you're not a member of this couple.
Standard-Fare Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Here's a question: Why do you care so much about your friend's romantic life? Does this have any direct impact on you? I think you need to just let her make her own mistakes. If she's in your face all the time asking for support/advice - it sounds like you've been blunt with her already, so you should have no problem continuing with that.
central Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Your friend is dysfunctional (as is her current relationship) and probably needs counseling, but that is her problem and is none of your business unless she asks for your advice. Unless she becomes unhappy with the status quo, she won't do anything. However, it sounds like she could end up cheating on her bf with the new guy - again, it's her life to mess up as she wishes.
nadzz Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Recently, I got into an argument with a friend because I told her that her relationship seemed "fake". Basically, she's been in a relationship for about 2 years, but she never says anything good about him. In fact, her current relationship started because her ex-bf cheated on her two years ago. So it started as a rebound, but stayed because he was the easy way out. So she told me that she met another guy. All they've done is "talk", and are "just friends". He apparently confessed to liking her, but she doesn't want to give him a chance and is running away from him. Here's some of the things she said to describe both the boyfriend and the new guy (which made me want to rip my hair out): On boyfriend I know my relationship looks weird, but this works for meAll I remember is that someone cheated on me and it hurt like hellI'm content right nowWe usually meet up for casual sex, we don't hang out that often On new guy He's the type of guy you give your heart to, and I can't give my heart to someone. Last time I did that, I got cheated on.How do I know he's not just using me? What if he dumps me right after he gets me?I'm already with someone who can't hurt me. So I can't take the chance with this guy. What if I get attached? Is she a lost cause? I never met the other guy so I'm not sure if he's worth pursuing. But at the very least, the way she describes her current boyfriend makes me cringe. Don't judge me but I've been in a similar situation. Dating for the sake of dating sometimes prevents you from going into the wrong relationships. Basically, if she weren't with her current boyfriend she would be open to being with anyone and doing so may give her unnecessary heartache. If she stays with her boyfriend, she can avoid all of that. In my situation, I told my boyfriend at the time that he was someone I was just having fun with and it cleared my conscience because he was able to do as he chooses whether that meant staying with me or finding a "real" relationship...I think if your friend at least has open communication with her boyfriend, then she's not doing anything wrong. Her feelings for this new guy may pass which may be why she's staying with her boyfriend, however, if they don't pass, then she needs to re-evaluate her situation.
Author crispylinks7 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 (edited) As a friend, why are you encouraging her to cheat??? I'm not encouraging her to cheat per se, but I'm encouraging the idea that maybe letting other guys pass just so she can feel safe in a false premise is not the right way to go. Here's a question: Why do you care so much about your friend's romantic life? In truth, I see examples like her all around me (in a lot of my friends). And it annoys me because it goes against everything I believe about love. I understand that many people date just to date. A lot of my peers seem to go, "You're single, I'm single, I have nothing better to do, let's go out. I know we won't last forever, but you're good for now." And they rush into relationships, because they can't stand to be alone. And when they meet guys who might be potentially good for them, they let them go because they already have someone and are trying to stay loyal. Even though, they know it's not forever. I have another friend who dragged out a relationship for 3 years, and when she finally had the courage to break up, she stayed single for 6 months, couldn't find a guy she wanted (because all her potentials were taken/married), and ended up settling for any random guy that was single. And even to this day, she tells her friends that she doesn't find him attractive, but he's all she's got (for now). So yes... I've also been passed by many girls because timing wasn't right. Cause timing is usually never right. For once, I just wish people had the courage to go for what they want rather then just settle for what is there . Edited December 28, 2015 by crispylinks7
The Way I Am Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 (edited) So... Again are you the new guy? I've asked a question or two about friends here so I don't automatically assume you are simply because you asked. But I've been using this forum for quite a long time starting out with questions about my own life (tho if you were curious enough to look, you won't find many question. much of it is under a different username because I felt the old name wasn't a good reflection of me). This is your first post (or you created a new account to hide a history), so you sought out an advice forum just to ask why a friend won't leave her bf for the new guy. I wonder why you felt invested in her situation enough to do that now when you haven't sought an advice forum before. I ask because if you are the new guy, the chances of what she's telling you about her bf being lies are exponentially higher than if you're just a friend. Edited December 28, 2015 by The Way I Am
Author crispylinks7 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 (edited) Yes you caught me. I'm the new guy. It was pretty obvious since no one really talks about their friends. It was just easier to pretend it was for someone else. But the things I said about all my friends settling is true. And it does annoy me. Because if they say all these things about why the person they're with is not "the one", why not actively try to seek someone that is? In short, many of my friends seem to prefer the easy way out. They take the easiest and safest course of action, because they're all afraid. And when I see situations like this, it frustrates me. Because 10 years from now, I don't want to look back and have any regrets. What do you mean the chances of it being lies are higher? Edited December 28, 2015 by crispylinks7
The Way I Am Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 If you were just a friend, there's not much to lose by telling you the good things about her bf or the reasons she wants to stay vs leave. As the new guy, if she tells you all the reasons she's still with him (maybe he's great in bed, she needs him to pay her bills, she loves him, etc), there's a good chance you'll leave. So she either lies, tells half truths, or omits important things to keep you around.
Author crispylinks7 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 If you were just a friend, there's not much to lose by telling you the good things about her bf or the reasons she wants to stay vs leave. As the new guy, if she tells you all the reasons she's still with him (maybe he's great in bed, she needs him to pay her bills, she loves him, etc), there's a good chance you'll leave. So she either lies, tells half truths, or omits important things to keep you around. Sigh.... I kind of figured that. Girls are weird
smackie9 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 BF is a FWB because she doesn't want to get too involved emotionally, new guy is totally friend zoned and is being used as her emotional tampon because she doesn't get that from her BF. So she combines both to keep herself content until she meets the right guy. She's in a holding pattern for now.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I think fear is the motivating factor with people who are reluctant to pursue relationships or check out of them when they know that it's likely not going anywhere. As for me, I have dated for the sake of it. Absolutely. I got to get experience and I've been single for 12 and a half years so yeah I admit, I have dated for the sake of it. I think dating ( like going on dates) there is no shame in dating for the sake of it. If your'e not totally interested in them, there is a chance that down the track you'll figure it out. Someone at the moment looks like a real potential for me so I'm quite looking forward for the development of it but there are times that I have dated for the point of gaining experience. If you're in a relationship and you're content and comfortable I actually think that's a good sign. I'd rather have a consistent, comfortable and even boring relationship than an unpredictable relationship that could blow up and tear apart at any moment even if the sex is amazing and the chemistry is on fire.
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