rebel Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Not sure if this is the right sub forum or if anyone has advice but here goes.. I had a real rough relationship a few years ago. My fiance was emotionally abusive, she was an alcoholic and basically our relationship was really toxic. Leading up to the wedding I kept telling myself 'everything was fine' Despite us having massive fights, but 9 days before it, I called it off, had a massive breakdown and it got messy. Not getting married to her was the best decision in my life but its caused a few flow on issues. I'm really scared of doing 'big life' things now based on what happened. I changed my job a while ago and it stressed the hell out of me just making the decision. My on again off again gf has suffered too. We were living together at one point but before we moved in, I had a massive panic attack and got really stressed out. We have since separated but are kinda together as she wants to travel and the thought of getting back with her is great as I love her, but I'm terrified of doing big adult relationship stuff I guess. Ive been staying with my parents for this past year and want to get a flat, but im terrified. I ponder what will happen if he and my 'on again' girl get together (or I end up with someone else) and we move in together, buy a house, have kids, get married etc. Even typing such things sends my heart into palpitations. I never used to be like this.. Does this make sense?
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Sounds a lot like PTSD. It's not only confined to the militia. You need help. Seriously. Try to approach your Doctor regarding advice and moving on from here. What you went through was dramatic by anyone's standards and obviously ate at you far more than you might even believe, now, in spite of your acknowledgement. You know WHAT it is. Now you need to know HOW to deal with it. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Marriage, divorce, death, moving, and changing jobs are some of the biggest sources of stress in life. They aren't all bad but they do represent significant change. You make a decision & then the proverbial rug got pulled out from underneath you. At this point you don't trust yourself which adds to your anxiety & stress. Give yourself a break. You may not be done licking your wounds. If you aren't in therapy, get some. It will help you find the balanced person you used to be. 1
Author rebel Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 I was seeing a counsellor earlier this year, I think it might be time to go back.
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 I was seeing a counsellor earlier this year, I think it might be time to go back. I honestly don't think it could do any harm. As a by-the-bye, it may also be politic to be open and honest with your on/off GF.... offer an explanation and tell her you know you need to sort this once and for all, or it will hang round your neck like a mill-stone....
burnt Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 If your story had been "I thought I had a wonderful relationship and then it all went to hell and I have no idea how that happened", then I'd say you have a big reason to worry about the future; meaning you lack the skill to read red flags and therefore in the future if you get involved in something unhealthy you may not be wise enough to avoid or stop it in time. The way I read it in your case, you were intelligent enough to recognize the warning signs--even if you were a little late to act on them; you listened to your instincts and I must say it takes a lot of courage and guts to call off the wedding as you did at the very last minute. I ditto on Tara's comment about PTSD and therapy. It was a major emotional traum and it has changed you clearly. I hope in time you can look at it as a 'mistake' has taught you what to watch out for in the future; but I hope you can also recognize the fact that you actually have very strong insticts in both interpersonal and intrapersonal levels. 1
Author rebel Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 Its just a bit tough because I'm 30 now and Im in the stage where I should be thinking about settle down. When I was younger I always wanted marriage, kids, the house etc. Now, I am kinda changing my mind due to all the apprehension. I don't 'want' a partner because I know I don't need to be scared or anything happening, but I also get a bit lonely and am fearful that 10, 20 years down the track when I'm hanging with all my friends and their families and I will be the old uncle who lives by himself and I may feel a bit envious of what other people have... Which is weird because I dont even know that I 'want' that anymore, but I 'want' to 'want' it
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