spiderowl Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 (edited) I'm hoping you can give me some insight into this before I wreck things. I have been chatting to a guy online. I really like the sound of him and it seems to be mutual. He's being positive, he tends to be online at the same time as me. He's being kind and friendly and encouraging, says he feels a connection and is attracted. It all sounds good. But ... because he sounded so nice and his connection through the site seemed a bit erratic (that site really is poor for that), I did what I don't usually do and gave him my telephone number. He didn't acknowledge it, but I didn't intend for him to call me immediately or anything, just said it was there if he liked texting. I did not intend any pressure. He responded a little later by sending me his email address. The reason I say this is an unusual response is that guys are usually trying to get my number and are eager to contact me by text or phone when they do. This guy hasn't. We have been chatting on and off and frequently get disconnected. It seems to me the logical thing to do would be for him to text if he has been cut off, but he hasn't texted. This is really bugging me. I don't offer my number to guys as a rule; I'm quite wary of doing that when I'm just starting to get to know someone. It is bothering me now that I don't know his number and that he hasn't bothered to text me to at least to confirm that he has the right number. He said he did try once but showed me the wrong number, so I corrected that. No text forthcoming. We have been chatting for a few days and it is still very early days. This lack of texting is threatening to ruin things because I feel my trust ebbing away and I don't feel that like I want to get more 'involved' with him if he is 'holding back' in this way, not taking that step. I'm not going to phone him out of the blue or harass him. I'm far too shy for that. I don't want to push it, as it would seem like I was putting pressure on him. It could be he may not share numbers at first. I know he has my number so it's not that he hasn't got it. Should I be concerned about this? Edited December 28, 2015 by spiderowl
AspenBaldwin Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 This lack of texting is threatening to ruin things because I feel my trust ebbing away and I don't feel that like I want to get more 'involved' with him if he is 'holding back' in this way, not taking that step. I'm not going to phone him out of the blue or harass him. I'm far too shy for that. I don't want to push it, as it would seem like I was putting pressure on him. It could be he may not share numbers at first. I know he has my number so it's not that he hasn't got it. Ruin things? What things? You don't know this guy! Don't let your imagination run so wild as to think you and him are meant to be blah, blah, blah. If he doesn't call you then he isn't really that interested. 4
TheArtist Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Always be aware that knowing someone in text is different to knowing someone in person. Writing style, plus the added time to think of a clever response rarely ties in closely with reality. You should definitely encourage a phone call to see if that connection really is there. 4
Author spiderowl Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 Thanks for replies. I realise there are a lot more stages before we get far with this. He's answered my query partly now, in that he's been harassed in the past by phone so I guess that's it. However, I am losing trust. It's a shame because he sounds great otherwise and seems very interested, apart from this one thing.
Gloria25 Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Always be aware that knowing someone in text is different to knowing someone in person. Writing style, plus the added time to think of a clever response rarely ties in closely with reality. You should definitely encourage a phone call to see if that connection really is there. Phone calls, texts, emails are no way to determine if someone is a match. It's too easy to hide behind a computer and "write" the right things. And as for phones? Think of Cyrano of Bergac or something - the homely looking Shakespearish dude who hid behind the bushes telling the young dude what to say to swoon the chick. Only way you know if there's a real connection and/or chemistry is to meet in person...on OLD, I push for a meeting in person ASAP.
PegNosePete Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Just ask him if he wants to meet up tomorrow night. Problem solved. 3
Miss Peach Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 If he's been harassed there are ways around it like Google voice. I've been stalked and harassed too. I just provide an internet based number that can ring to my phone. Not an excuse IMO. How long have you been talking? If it's only been an email or two then moving to email doesn't seem a weird. If it's been awhile that would be odd to me. If he doesn't want to meet IRL then it's a red flag IME. 1
Myragal Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 None of this is coming across as good. He doesn't want to call you. That's fine but he should if 'you' wanted it. I don't believe him. Don't trust him. So, angst already. Suspicion already. He isn't being considerate of what you want. No plans from him to meet. Personally, I would just stop communicating. 3
67Chevelle Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Always be aware that knowing someone in text is different to knowing someone in person. Writing style, plus the added time to think of a clever response rarely ties in closely with reality. You should definitely encourage a phone call to see if that connection really is there. This is so important. Almost every woman that I've ever interacted with via OLD has wanted to jump into an endless texting session, as if we've known each other for years. I even tell them that "I'm not really into texting I'd rather talk on the phone" and they still barrage me with text messages. Limiting the amount of texting and pushing for phone calls is great advice for anyone utilizing OLD. 2
Author spiderowl Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 I'd rather he texted than just launched into phone calls and meeting. It takes time to build trust. I fully see the point of meeting in person. He has suggested that jokingly, knowing I wasn't really travelling in his direction at the time. I don't know, I'm disenchanted and disappointed. Thanks for all your comments. I do feel uneasy about this, which is a great shame as he sounds really nice otherwise.
StrangerThanFiction Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Maybe I'm jaded and overly suspicious in my old age, but is it possible that he's in a relationship already and doesn't want to risk you texting or calling while he's with that person? I'm not saying that's the case, but his reasons sounds a bit flimsy to me. Then again, it's early days and maybe he's overly cautious. Hard to say.
AnyTakers Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 he either has something to hide (being married) or he just isn't interested.
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I don't know...suspicions or not, in your own words "it's very early days". I think you're way over analyzing things. 1
Toodaloo Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Maybe I'm jaded and overly suspicious in my old age, but is it possible that he's in a relationship already and doesn't want to risk you texting or calling while he's with that person? I'm not saying that's the case, but his reasons sounds a bit flimsy to me. Then again, it's early days and maybe he's overly cautious. Hard to say. My thoughts. That and he isn't all that into OP or isn't who he says he is. OP I should just leave this one alone. Walk away. Stop contacting him. Stop connecting with him. All of us who have done OLD for a while have been harassed by phone we just use a little function called block. It works rather well! If this guy s who he says he is, if he is honest and decent and wants to meet you he would be asking. He isn't he is stalling. He doesn't want to meet you for what ever reason. Just back off and walk away. 1
Samhain Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I'm kinda wondering if the "we frequently get disconnected" is both of you or just him? Because if it is just him that'd indicate to me that he's disconnecting because someone has walked into the room and he's hiding what he's doing. Talking online for a few days prior to a meeting is fine, but you have said above that he's "joked" about meeting when he knew you weren't even going to be that close to where he lives. This doesn't sound like two people who are both eagerly trying to set up a date. If you don't even live close to one another what is the point in continuing to talk on the internet? And all of that is without the added fact that he won't call or text you. He will make no further steps with the communication aspect never mind actually meeting you. I'd drop this one like a hot coal and look more at OLD with guys who live closer and view the communication prior to meeting as something to arrange and work up to a date, not as an online buddy.
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 OP, where did you meet this guy? On an OLD site or somewhere else?
Author spiderowl Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 Maybe I'm jaded and overly suspicious in my old age, but is it possible that he's in a relationship already and doesn't want to risk you texting or calling while he's with that person? I'm not saying that's the case, but his reasons sounds a bit flimsy to me. Then again, it's early days and maybe he's overly cautious. Hard to say. It's good thinking and I'm glad you raised this. I had thought about it but can't tell at the moment. He sounds genuine but who knows?
Author spiderowl Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 I'm kinda wondering if the "we frequently get disconnected" is both of you or just him? Because if it is just him that'd indicate to me that he's disconnecting because someone has walked into the room and he's hiding what he's doing. Talking online for a few days prior to a meeting is fine, but you have said above that he's "joked" about meeting when he knew you weren't even going to be that close to where he lives. This doesn't sound like two people who are both eagerly trying to set up a date. If you don't even live close to one another what is the point in continuing to talk on the internet? And all of that is without the added fact that he won't call or text you. He will make no further steps with the communication aspect never mind actually meeting you. I'd drop this one like a hot coal and look more at OLD with guys who live closer and view the communication prior to meeting as something to arrange and work up to a date, not as an online buddy. Thanks for all the comments so far, really helpful. I think I'm going to have to forget him as he's not making the effort, though he seemed very keen to chat online. We've only been chatting on and off for about two weeks - is that too soon to receive a text? Other guys I've chatted to have been keen to be in touch by text or phone, usually as soon as possible. I haven't asked him to call me but was a bit put out when he seemed to avoid texting. I suspect there is more to this than meets the eye.
Author spiderowl Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 OP, where did you meet this guy? On an OLD site or somewhere else? Michelle, it was on an OLD site. He is one of the nicer characters I've chatted to and I would have been very interested but for this texting thing.
Author spiderowl Posted January 23, 2016 Author Posted January 23, 2016 (edited) So, having removed this guy as a 'friend' on the dating site (as I hadn't heard from him in a week or so and he didn't respond to a message), he sent another 'friend' request recently. I mulled over whether to accept it. People can't contact you on the site unless you accept. A friend persuaded me he might have had a good reason for not being in touch for that long and so I accepted the request to see. We had a brief exchange during which, I have to say, I felt angry. He had been busy. Hmm. He was chatty and friendly, pretty much suggesting a date, but I could not respond with any sort of warmth or enthusiasm. In the end, I said I had to go and left it at that. I should probably not have accepted the request. I don't trust him now. Can't rebuild that can you? It's such a pity because he sounded really nice and intelligent. Isn't it typical! Edited January 23, 2016 by spiderowl
Lois_Griffin Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 I think I'm going to have to forget him as he's not making the effort, though he seemed very keen to chat online. . LOL...that's usually their preferred method when they have no intention of actually meeting but just want a fantasy keyboard romance. Well that and the fact that chatting is a lot quieter and easier to hide from your wife or girlfriend when they walk in the room as compared to talking on the phone or his phone constantly vibrating or going off when he's at dinner at his mother-in-laws. Loser. Dump his ass. 3
Toodaloo Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 I know this sounds crazy but why not just ask him outright. Just say that while you enjoy chatting to him you are not looking for a pen pal and thought that perhaps he would have called or asked you out by now...
Author spiderowl Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 (edited) I know this sounds crazy but why not just ask him outright. Just say that while you enjoy chatting to him you are not looking for a pen pal and thought that perhaps he would have called or asked you out by now... He talked about taking time to get to know and going at a pace both were comfortable at. I agree with this but it's unusual (in my experience) for a guy to have a slower pace than me. I just can't be bothered with people who mess around or are controlling and something feels off. He was pretty much suggesting yesterday that we meet. I'm afraid I just avoided that discussion because I felt annoyed with him for disappearing then being so casual about it. Edited January 24, 2016 by spiderowl
MissBee Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 (edited) Always be aware that knowing someone in text is different to knowing someone in person. Writing style, plus the added time to think of a clever response rarely ties in closely with reality. You should definitely encourage a phone call to see if that connection really is there. Ditto. Phone calls give you more real time impressions of the person than texting or emails where you have much more time to think. I always advise to at least speak briefly. Spiderowl, this doesn't sound good. Have you heard of Catfishing? It's a series on MTV and also a verb to describe situations where people pretend to be someone else online and where people have elaborate relationships with someone solely through texting or online (sometimes there are calls, sometimes not), then come to find out the person isn't who they said they were and either is insecure about their looks or life so prefer the fantasy of having a relationship through text or emails or instant message or phone but never want to meet. My rule of thumb is: don't drag out online dating before you meet. Unless a real reason is preventing a meeting soon, don't carry on talking for weeks and months with someone. It's easy to build a false reality and real feelings based on a false reality and fantasy essentially when you do that. It's best to move to phone convo and meeting on person soon, and if a man seems to be avoiding the phone, texting, meeting or anything beyond just exchanging messages, NEXT! He is likely looking for a pen pal because he is insecure about his looks, some aspect about his life, is married or something where an online relationship is better than a real one. Edited January 24, 2016 by MissBee
Oregon_Dude Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Very simply put: if you have not met the person - sat in front of them for at least in hour - you have no idea who they are or if you are actually attracted to them. Texts, phone calls, it's all meaningless. Let this be a lesson to you. MEET someone before you get to "know" them - because you're not getting to know them over text/calls - you're only getting to know their perfect BS version of themselves. People cannot hide who they are in person, the way they can over all these other avenues. Do not get this "far" again. Meet a guy within a couple days of first messaging with him.
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