ExtraSpice Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I am essentially in the post breakup phase and though I have been here before, it doesn't necessarily make it any easier. What I am having difficulty with is the feeling of loneliness. I know it is normal to feel lonely. After spending a good amount of time with the person you are dating it feels very odd to suddenly have all this time to yourself. I don't have many friends, literally one or two. So in order to combat the feeling of loneliness I make an attempt of trying different things. Different activities to meet new people. Try to make an effort to hangout with the people that I do know. Try to fill the time that would ordinarily be spent with her. My personality is not one of a social butterfly so these things are slightly challenging for me but I realize that my lack of social interaction can be a negative at times. My ex on the other hand was an extremely social person so she has enough avenues to distract her, I am not saying that makes it any harder or easier for her but just different. At times I catch myself concentrating on that point and it makes me feel a little less (can't think of a different word). Maybe envious is a better way of explaining the feeling. I feel like she has a quality or a balance in her social life that I lack. And I am trying to achieve that balance in my own life. I am not looking to be like her but find something that makes me feel content. The new things I try don't yield immediate results but that would be an unrealistic expectation. That, however, makes me feel slightly hopeless. As though I can try if I wan't but it is not really going to work out or it is going to take forever. What has your experience been when dealing with loneliness post breakup? The things that you tried, did they eventually yield any good results? Is it just a matter of chugging along even if it seems a little hopeless? Looking to hear peoples thoughts!
ScienceGal Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I spend time with my few close friends (I don't have many either). And I exercise, I run like crazy. Do anything you can to stay active. I eat well and get enough sleep (exercise comes in handy if you can't sleep, because you can exhaust yourself into it). Allow yourself to be down and out, but not all the time. Depending where you're at, it might be for a certain amount of time each day, few days, or each week. Try to designate a "freak out" time if you need it.
Draper Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I'm kind of similar to you by the sounds of it. I don't have that social butterfly type of personality either (my ex does though, like yours) and it is tough. I mean, there were very very few days when I didn't see her at least once so it's definitely hard going from that to having almost nobody. I know what you mean about your ex too, it seemed like she always had new friends coming along and I know that she has a bunch of people to lean on and get support from so in a sense I too feel a little 'envious' that she had that to fall back on after things ended. It doesn't help that the friends I do have aren't really 'close' so I don't really have anyone to talk to about the relationship stuff but I suppose thats what LS is for. Anyways, I find playing video games with friends helps. Going to the gym has helped a lot to get my mind off it, and I go together with a friend sometimes which is cool. Not really a cure for loneliness I guess, but I will say that the most content I ever feel since the breakup is when working out. It sounds like you're doing it right though. Making an effort to meet new people, try new things, and put yourself out there is pretty much all you can do. It does seem hopeless at times but I try to remember that I was happy enough before she came along and surely I can get to that place again now that she's gone, although I do hope I can teach myself to be a little more outgoing after all is said and done. Anyway, keep on going and when you do feel lonely remember that there is at least people here that are going through the same thing and willing to be here for you.
Author ExtraSpice Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Thank you for the advice and kind words. Working out and doing things definitely helps a lot. Sometimes I am doing something fun and I stupidly end up thinking about how I want to do the fun thing with the ex. It is very interesting to see how the mind works. I can rationalize thoughts and come to a very logical conclusion. I can say to myself that I can't judge my worth my social skills, that in time things gets better and if I continue to try I will eventually succeed. But knowing all this still does not quell the emotions. But I think you are right, I just have to continue doing what I am doing and take it one step at a time. Best of luck with your healing process as well! 1
d0nnivain Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 With every break up I always found something new to do, a new hobby, a new interest, a new activity. Use the time to regroup, recenter yourself & grow as a person. Do spend time with the friends you do have.
Sar112 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I am the same as you - I have interests but none that require much social interaction and the few friends I have live quite a distance from me so I can't meet them that often. Part of the reason my ex broke it off (I believe) was because I wasn't more outgoing socially and that hurts. He had a lot of friends too - liked to cycle, run, go out drinking a lot - I'm more of a home bird and I know he viewed that negatively. Maybe try some classes? I do definitely think that getting out and seeing friends/meeting new people makes it easier. If only because it takes your mind off your ex momentarily. I have moments when I am out with friends where I wish he could be there but then I think eventually those moments will become less and less once I truly learn to love myself again and my confidence returns. Hopefully the same will happen for you.
cupcakebunny Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I have like a few close friends. Not many. My closest friends are scattered across the country and as much as people SWEAR that distance doesn't matter in a friendship, it really does make a difference being around someone PHYSICALLY when dealing with something painful. I FORCED myself to go to parties with somewhat friends. Like practically invited myself -- I know them well enough to know it wouldn't be awkward and they are the "more the merrier" type. Made some new friends through that. So that's a plus. I started taking walks and exercising. I am studying for the GMATs. I found that my work will pay for B-school so I thought...doesn't hurt! Over time I've grown sort of..less despondent. (More stressed about the test...lol!!) It'll take time, even if you do those things it'll still hurt sometimes. You'll feel lonely. But you know it will get better. Sounds like you're doing the right things. Im now at the point that I'm like 'Wooo..I actually love being by myself again."
Author ExtraSpice Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Doing different activities, spending time with people, working out, all these things def help. Even if it feels as though it is only momentary. I remember myself before dating her and I remember being very happy being by myself. I didn't feel the need to be validated by someone else, didn't feel lonely, didn't feel like I needed to have company, felt very independent. But it took me some time to get there. I think part of the problem is coming to terms with the fact that it will hurt for a little bit, that it will be a difficult road ahead. I think I am just dreading having to go through the process. And that is not good because whether I like it or not, I am going to have to go through it. But it is good to hear other peoples experiences. Gets rid of the irrational thought that you are alone in this struggle while everybody is doing absolutely great. Good luck on the test! Standardized tests are always stressful. And AspenBaldwin I would love to just drown myself in ice cream but I got a body to maintain lol
CripplingMe Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I am essentially in the post breakup phase and though I have been here before, it doesn't necessarily make it any easier. What I am having difficulty with is the feeling of loneliness. I know it is normal to feel lonely. After spending a good amount of time with the person you are dating it feels very odd to suddenly have all this time to yourself. I don't have many friends, literally one or two. So in order to combat the feeling of loneliness I make an attempt of trying different things. Different activities to meet new people. Try to make an effort to hangout with the people that I do know. Try to fill the time that would ordinarily be spent with her. My personality is not one of a social butterfly so these things are slightly challenging for me but I realize that my lack of social interaction can be a negative at times. My ex on the other hand was an extremely social person so she has enough avenues to distract her, I am not saying that makes it any harder or easier for her but just different. At times I catch myself concentrating on that point and it makes me feel a little less (can't think of a different word). Maybe envious is a better way of explaining the feeling. I feel like she has a quality or a balance in her social life that I lack. And I am trying to achieve that balance in my own life. I am not looking to be like her but find something that makes me feel content. The new things I try don't yield immediate results but that would be an unrealistic expectation. That, however, makes me feel slightly hopeless. As though I can try if I wan't but it is not really going to work out or it is going to take forever. What has your experience been when dealing with loneliness post breakup? The things that you tried, did they eventually yield any good results? Is it just a matter of chugging along even if it seems a little hopeless? Looking to hear peoples thoughts! God, I feel your pain. 12 months ago I was going through debilitating loneliness. It was the worst pain i've ever experienced after being dumped. Like yourself, I only have the odd friend, and not a big supportive family. I REALLY struggled to cope with the loneliness. This was my experience: A 24 hour day, felt like 24 days. To get through an hour, was like getting through a whole day. What killed me the most was silence, it was my worst enemy. I forced myself to be preoccupied by noise. Be that, a film - or ten - reading forums for HOURS on end to see that i wasn't alone in my grieving. What made things worse was I was unemployed at the time. I used to also spend hours on end just walking - walking anywhere and seeking distraction. I can still feel the pain now even though it was 12 months ago and i'm in a very different place now (well, im going through a break up too at the moment, but I did the dumping this time, still fecking hurts though). I cried before because of loneliness. I live on my own in a flat, and it hit me like a brick. I don't mean to sound overdramatic, im just trying to explain it like it is. Background noise though, and reading forums helps me keep distracted. I'm not very emotionally resilient like some people are, so I do genuinely struggle to cope with loneliness ( stems from childhood - parents divorce and all that). Im gathering from your post that you are adapting, shall we say, pretty well to loneliness, in that it hasn't consumed you, like it had/has me. Distraction is the key, to the point of busyness - where you keep yourself busy and occupied with anything and everything you can possibly do. The loveshack community are awesome and are invaluable in providing support and encouragement. I've always been very grateful to them.
Author ExtraSpice Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 I live by myself as well and at times that is nice because if I feel like letting my emotions out I can do so without any concern. But at times it is quite difficult because it reminds you of how you are alone. I think what is difficult to do but is necessary is to realize that things happen little by little. There is not going to be a moment where suddenly it all becomes better. It is small things that build on each other and give you the final result you may be looking for. These things are hard to notice but they are present. It is important not to get wound up in the idea that things will be like this forever. Because almost nothing lasts forever, almost everything changes and so will this phase of loneliness and sadness. I believe I am coping decently with this feeling but we are our worst enemies and I tend to put myself down instead of recognizing the small achievements. And you are right, LS helps a lot. It is incredibly helpful to be able to put your thoughts out there and have a community of people chime in.
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