smile Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Well now today was quite a day let me tell you. It started out me being excited to see my ex. Then I was mad at him bc he suddenly had his neice's graduation he had to go to so our trip to fix our phones was rushed. So he got here and I was mad. He said that if I wanted to be mad at him he wanted to know why I was mad. I wouldn't (couldn't) say ... he said he wasnt going to hang out with someone who was mad all day. I said I would put it aside and talk about it later. Then he said if that is what I wanted to do then I had to let go of being mad. I had to let go and have fun and really address it later. I couldnt use my anger as a wall to ruin the day. Otherwise get it out now or dont hang out. I said ok and went to fix the phone. He then asked me to go to the graduation. Then we went in on a card and gift for her. I found out it was only family invited to the graduation ceremony.. but I was included in that. That was nice. We washed his car, we washed his dog and he , his dad and I went to the graduation. Then we hung out at the party and just had fun. He took me home and I was mad again. He said it wasnt fair for me to hold things in, that is what I do and I needed to just get it out. So I told him I was confused, I explained about not knowing how to feel and being brushed aside.. feeling like a burden. Or even worse, that I was there at his beck and call. So he said I needed to stop feeling like he is out to get me, like there is some big conspiracy. He said he had no desire to hurt me or screw me over, its not personal. He has been dealing with stuff now and he is alone a lot. Just him and the dog. He goes to work, he comes home, then he hangs out alone. He feels trapped with this crappy roomate, and these jerks he works with. He has been staying at his dad's a lot. I realized I was so worried about the answer being something that would hurt me that I never bothered to ask how he was. What a jerk I am. I felt bad I wasnt there, or didnt even try to be there. He said the reason we fought and didnt work is because I tried to understand him.. or figure him out. He doesnt want me to figure him out, he needs me to trust him. I said I was sorry and he said it was ok. I needed to stop taking everything personally. We get along and we have fun together, except when I am second guessing everything. It has been good lately, he said, I have been great ... I just need to learn to not take things so personally. Boy do I feel like a doofus. I am going to take what he said and really listen, really use it. I mean if he listens to me and tries to fix what makes me uncomforatble and I listen to him and try to fix what makes him uncomfortable isnt that growing together? I think I am begining to understand what a healthy relationship means. No worries I am not jumping the gun on labling or what we may be or anything..... but man this honesty stuff feels grreaaat!
sleeplessincnd Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Wow, that is great news! Communication is such an important thing I am glad that you have both realized that. I wish all men could understand that talking doesn't mean that you are weak but that you are mature and intelligent! I hope that things work out well for you! Keep the communication flowing and you will do great!
strange love Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 NEWS FLASH, perhaps theres alot of men good at communication and having a good grasp of certain psychology of women. However...... That really only helps if the female in question is willing to listen to reasoning. In any case Guess what :-)SMILE:-) ......9 months and counting. ciao
Author smile Posted June 5, 2005 Author Posted June 5, 2005 I dont think its a matter of so few men being willing to communicate and listen. It wasnt a BIG step on the part of man , it was a BIG step on the part of MY man. It was a big step on the part of our relationship. I dunno, it seems to me that everything in our relationship worked , except for the communication. So many ppl say thats the most important thing, and yeh it matters so much , but I really think a relationship is about the whole package. Sometimes you need to work on things , but you kinda have to be ready. I invited him ot hang out on Monday.. I know you all said dont call first, don't invite.. but I did..and guess what? He said yes. He even seemed pretty happy that I called. He called me back that night just to chat. Last night we talked on the computer. I am no longer afraid to ask how he is or what he is up to. Its funny bc this is kinda as habit forming as the negativity and suspicsion. What I mean is the more I am honest and he is honest with me, the easier it is for me to not go to that dark place of suspicion and fear. I feel so much more healthy in this situation. Who knows what is to come but this kind of self assurance must be kinda attracttive. Ever since last wed, when we had this talk, I have been hit on by three different guys. Weird huh? And even one I am kinda attracted to, he is sweet and we get along great. You would think something like that would make me question this thing with my ex. But it just cements the fact that ultimately he is who I would love to have a family and a life with. too much talk before coffee... yep strangelove 9 months
Universe Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 I invited him ot hang out on Monday.. I know you all said dont call first, don't invite.. but I did..The whole "who called first" thing can very easily become unreasonable. The thing to remember is that everyone needs alone time and to not be bothered. So if you're going to call your ex or your SO, make it worth their time. It's really easy to just feel anxious to talk to them or to see them because you miss them. But it's not good to engage all the time just because it soothes your anxiety. If you really want to spend time with them, plan an activity that you know they will enjoy. But it's also silly to put off spending time together just because you want them to call you first. A lot of people look at dating as a game. But smart people don't play games. That being said, if your ex or SO declines on a couple consecutive invites, then it's a hint that maybe you should cool it for a while and wait. But in your situation, Smile, waiting for him to call is actually a greater sign of insecurity than calling. You determine your own boundaries. I, personally, as a rule only call when I have something in mind for us to do that will be fun. On the occasions that I've strayed from this rule, results are about 50% negative and 50% positive. But when I have a plan in mind, the results are more like 90% positive. Its funny bc this is kinda as habit forming as the negativity and suspicsion. What I mean is the more I am honest and he is honest with me, the easier it is for me to not go to that dark place of suspicion and fear. I feel so much more healthy in this situation. Good for you, Smile. Going to that dark place is definitely habit forming. And it's so hard to break the habit because it's so subconscious. But as far as all that anxiety goes, patience pays. My ex took her affection to another level this weekend. It hasn't been like this since the first year we dated. We went out last night and she literally couldn't take her hands off me. Through all the progress I've made with her in the past couple months, my doubts have lingered above. But I know now that it's just a habit of always assuming the worst case scenario. If there's the smallest little hint that maybe she'll leave me in the future, I give that notion the most credibility despite the mountain of evidence that indicates that she'll stay. The truly scary part is that it ultimately depends on me. I have it in my power to do what it takes to keep her. But if I let myself get bogged down in the overwhelming fear that she'll leave me, I most definitely sabotage myself. That's what I see you doing, Smile. I think you and your ex are coming along, but you're sabotaging yourself by constantly suspecting the worst. Be patient. Be honest. And make an effort to cultivate and bring your love to life in a way that he can truly receive it. And make an effort to receive his love for you too.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Man, Universe. You don't know how many other people hope their stories can get on the same track yours is.... I would say I am jealous, coz I am, but really -- I am happy for you.
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