ByMyself01 Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 (edited) Me and the new guy I have met has been in it for about a month and a half now. He is a really sweet guy and has some nice qualities about him, but that's not good enough for me. I like to look at the long-term effects and I don't really see me and him progressing as a couple. For 1, I want kids in the next year because of my age and an underlying health condition that could make it even harder in the future. For 2, he wants me to move closer to his city without any real effort from his part which is a red flag since I had already been through this with my ex. And 3, he plays too much, like I was talking to him about the baby situation and he agreed to it but then backed out of it. I feel like, even though he's a nice guy, that I should opt out of the relationship. We want 2 separate things. Now I see why people go back to their exes. It's because no one really wants to start over, well the loyal ones. But unfortunately, my ex had no problems starting over so I have no choice and it's not working out for me with dating at the moment. So I'm going to go back to square one and be alone again. Although my now boyfriend made me feel wonderful and helped a lot to stop thinking about my ex, he is not able to give me what I desire most in a relationship. I want kids very soon and I'm not settling because I have a strong belief that if someone really likes you and loves you, they wouldn't have a problem having kids and it goes back to the Bible. So I don't think he likes me as much as he says he does but yet he wants me to move closer to him? Perhaps to take advantage or whatever and he only lives 30 minutes from me in a car and on the train it's 2 hours. I'm so over dating, but I'm going to opt out of this new relationship. I still daydream of being back with my ex but he REFUSES to get back with me now for 4 months although we discussed getting back together recently, but all he wanted to do is play with my mind and my heart. He makes it seem like it's only me who wants him, when he's the one wanted to have the talk about it so I don't want to be in contact with no one from the opposite sex right now. I don't want to go back to being depressed, but NOTHING is working out for me. It's like guys run from me and there is something wrong with me. I only have gotten far enough to have sex but no one wanted to settle down with me. Like my ex talked about us getting married when we were together then now he switched it up and said it was what he wanted for himself but not with me so why didn't he tell me that sooner? \ I see a depression coming on again Edited December 27, 2015 by ByMyself01
Leigh 87 Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 Not everyone wants kids. You do realzie that having kids really isn't everyone's idea of joy? I don't want kids. I would never LIKE the idea of having kids. There is no man that would change my mind. Please don't think that men who don't want to have your kids within a year simply don't like you enough............ that's really narrow minded. ..you're ASSUMING that EVERYONE wants kids........ 1
oberkeat Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 (edited) Please don't think that men who don't want to have your kids within a year simply don't like you enough............ that's really narrow minded. ..you're ASSUMING that EVERYONE wants kids........ I agree, saying to a new bf that you want kids within the next year or it's game over is asking too much IMO. Most couples are together for years before they decide to get preggo. Edited December 28, 2015 by oberkeat 6
bathtub-row Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 The truth is, you're feeling desperate about having kids and that's turning everyone off. Do you really think a guy is going to commit to having a child with you after only knowing you for less than two months? That's completely ridiculous. Your urgency isn't his urgency. He probably agreed with you at first because he felt pressured. When you pressure people, they often change their minds later. Also, I think you're being extremely unrealistic to even think about moving to another city or state for a guy you barely know. I keep wondering what on earth you're thinking right now about so many things. If you ask me, it appears that you have completely lost your perspective. It doesn't matter whether he's making an effort or not - you are rushing this way too much. Look, if you must stick to this timeline of yours about having kids, then consider artificial insemination so that you don't have to depend on some outside party to fulfill your desires. You can make a silent pact with yourself as to when that will happen. But you've got to drop this agenda when it comes to your partner. There's nothing biblical about wrestling someone into marriage and family in order to meet your agenda. Marriage and kids are a huge decision. And you're considering going back to an ex, which is probably a really bad decision. But, again, it's as though all good judgment goes out the window for you because of this rush to have kids. You need to find another way because what you're doing is not and will not work. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 A month and a half in and you're already trying to get him to agree to having a child with you? You're moving at warp-speed and that's not appealing for most men. Or even women. I'm a woman too and I would be seriously turned-off if such a new partner wanted to get me to say I'd have a baby with him. 45-50 days is simply not enough time to make a decision that you cannot reverse. That would indicate to me that the person doesn't care much about me, but is after my eggs. You barely have had enough time to see if you're even compatible as a couple, let alone parents. I would seriously question the judgment of any man who placed such enormous expectations on me without really even knowing me. If you're bringing this up with each guy you date, that's your problem. They will sense that desperation and most will not indulge it. I'm sorry that you feel so down, but I feel your logic is flawed. Someone can be really into you and simply not be ready to commit to children yet. That's quite unfair of you and you're placing an enormous amount of pressure on the other person. I imagine it would also make him feel quite used. Also, I don't think that's the only problem here. You say this guy helped you forget about your ex - great, but that also indicates you haven't moved on. That's not very fair, either. I get that health concerns would certainly make you want to have a baby soon, but your approach isn't great. You're rather painting yourself the victim, when really you need to examine why you'd be willing to rush into such a huge decision based on so little knowledge of the other person. 3
ScienceGal Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 You want to get pregnant within a year? Consider getting artificially inseminated and being a single mom. You're looking at prospective partners as sperm donors more than anything, and that's not the recipe for a long-lasting partnership. 1
Qboro90 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 So you want to have kids writhin a year and instead of putting the effort into the current relationship you're in with a nice guy who treats you good, in hopes that he's the one and can grow into everything you want..... You decide to break up and start from scratch... Thinking that the next guy you meet will be thrilled about getting a girl pregnant and becoming a father in the next 12 months. Stellar plan. Wanting to have a baby within the next year and making that essential for your BF to keep dating you is one of the best ways I've ever heard to never have a serious relationship that would ever work. So thanks for sharing! 3
spiderowl Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Unfortunately, when you start a relationship with someone you are going back to square 1. They don't know you, they are getting to know you. You can't just leap in and expect marriage and babies. The poor guy is going to wonder what has happened and feel you are not interested in him, only in babies. It sounds like you are not over your previous boyfriend either. One doesn't replace another. The are different people with different personalities, needs and interests. It sounds like you are so focused on what you want that you cannot see anything from their point of view. It is not bad not to want babies at the start of a relationship. A guy wants to get to know YOU. If you can't wait until you and he have formed a relationship, fallen in love, and got to the stage where you both want to share a future together, then there is something amiss in your thinking. I wonder whether you had actually formed a relationship with your ex or whether you also saw him as someone who should provide certain things for you. Could you see anything from his point of view?
Author ByMyself01 Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 Thanks for the advice everyone. I guess you are right and the new guy is a really great guy. He's very supportive of me and maybe I do need to slow things down a bit. I guess I've always wanted kids and I get down knowing my ex is enjoying his life with his kids and I had a miscarriage this year. So I maybe was trying to pick up where I left off and replenish what I lost. Kids may not ever be in my future because I refuse to go to a sperm bank or participate in in-vitro. I don't believe in that. I'm willing to take my time and see where this new relationship goes so I changed my mind about calling it off with him. And to clear the air, the new guy told me he wanted kids when we first met. So the talk I had with him about my medical condition and starting soon didn't seem like a problem for me. I'll wait it out and I am 28 years old with a condition called PCOS(polycystic ovarian syndrome) which makes it very hard for women to get pregnant and are at higher risks of miscarriage and my biological clock is ticking
ScienceGal Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 I am familiar with PCOS. I know two women who have it and they both had children in their 30s. Don't lose hope.
Standard-Fare Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 If in-vitro and artificial insemination are out of the question (a lot of people could get into a debate about that, but I won't go there) -- I think you need to accept that your agenda of getting pregnant within the next year is just not realistic. It may not even be realistic for the next two or three years. If having children is your main priority, the next option to consider is adoption, which I'm assuming does not conflict with your religious beliefs. And if you're open to that idea, that could put you on a more natural pace for relationships as well, because adoption doesn't have an age limit. I realize these pathways aren't your ideal. You want the natural route of marriage, pregnancy, kids. But life hands everybody unforeseen obstacles, and you have to figure out how to work around them.
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