break up

[craigyboy01]

i have just split with my girl of eight years five months ago. and still struggling. we had a good relationship for seven and a half years and thats not being in denial. we had purchased are first house and been in it for a year and a half. i lost my job but another one fast but was a little deppressed and caused me too shut down a little. we had a argumenaut about bills and she said i cant do it anymore a few bad words were exchanged and i moved to my mums. i called next day and asked if we could talk she said no. during the break she told me she was unhappy i realised what i had done so for three mobths tried to show her she does mean the world to me and i was sorry. i never had a chance but have been left with thinking that everything i had done over the relationship has ment nothing and and the only bad patch was enough for her to say that selling housw and moving back home is a better option then fighting. i have now seen a selfish side to her that i never saw in are time together but unfortunatly still love her and know she feels nothing towards me i just cant understand how just cos its not going your own way for a short time u forget everything thats happend. i want to forget it and veiw her like she has me on the only hard point of the relationship but cant forget that the good times outweighed the bad. its not nice to see the person u loved grow ugly in a attitude way.

Edited December 27, 2015 by craigyboy01

[Sar112]

I don't think you should be trying to persuade her at this point - accept that she doesn't want to be with you, show her enough respect to give her some space and let her realise on her own what you say - that the good times outweighed the bad etc...

 

Get on with your own day to day things, show her what she's missing by working hard on building other areas of your life and becoming a stronger person.

 

It's so hard, but I'm going through the same thing atm (together 5 years, broke up 2 months ago) and talking with your ex/trying to persuade them that they have made the wrong decision only makes things worse. I hope you manage to work things out and that she realises you are worth it and how much you care.

[craigyboy01]

im sorry to hear about your situation ive messed it up now with saying nasty things were i was hurt she doesnt speak to me now ive said sorry and its cos i was hurt but understand that ive been pathetic and not given any space its only cos i love her and think she is worth fighting for but understand how it looks. im just gonna get on now.and change myself. thank u for your words i also wish u luck.

[Sar112]

I'm terrible at giving people space too - I worry that they will forget about me where as it's normally the exact opposite. We all say hurtful things in the heat of the moment. I told my ex to leave me alone and never speak to me again, luckily he seems to have known that I said that in the heat of the moment as the last thing he said to me was that 'this isn't goodbye'.

 

I am hoping that some time to think and realise what he is missing will make a difference. I hope the same happens for you.

[craigyboy01]

its **** isnt it. i treated her like a princess and she forgot everything. im not holding on id like to think she will realize it was worth fighting for and by then i moved on but thats fairytale stuff. good luck i really mean it.

[Sar112]

It's the worst feeling in the world. Honestly, I think the only time we fully move on is when we meet someone new, but it helps in the mean time to stay away from looking at anything the 'ex' is doing so that we don't start imagining them having this wonderful life that in reality they probably won't be having.

 

I was the same with my ex - I adored him - but then I think that's partly what scared him off. His suffers with anxiety and said my love became too much - that all 'normal' people would have loved it but that he couldn't deal with the pressure of having someone rely on him.

 

I hope she sees what she's missing - most of them do eventually. That's what has happened to me twice now and then you'll be the one in the position of power where you can decide whether or not you want to give her that second chance.

[craigyboy01]

its very sad she allways said to me dont ever leave me and nobody will love me like she has. the truth is i wont ever fully get over her but when someone falls out off love with u and dont want anything from u there not worth another chance. i belive that u only feel like that about one person but it has to be on both sides im talking to another girl and she knows the situation i dont want to hurt anyone but cant wait on a hope that my ex will return. she has made a mistake and told me that she just fliped but stuck with her decision. not being big headed at all but she will do well to find someone better i understand she fell outta of love but didnt commuicate with meand with what we had was worth giving a chance one day she will see im not saying she will come running back tho.

[Sar112]

No you're far better off not waiting on a hope - I wish I could think that way too. I try to but then the thought of there being no chance of us ever getting to hang out like we used to makes me so sad.

 

I am sure she will be back but hopefully you will have moved on by then and will be happy with someone else. Maybe you are right about only feeling like it about one person, it's certainly how I feel at the moment. I hope that isn't the case though and that bigger and better love awaits

[craigyboy01]

i dont think u should wait around either its hard and i cant picture myself wuth anyone else it makes me feel sick to think of kissing let alone sleeping with somebody but i dont want to be negative but dont belive in love now. its sad cos im talking to a nice girl but blow hot and cold with her and she doesnt deserve that i dont know whats right. have u met anyone sunce?

[craigyboy01]

i dont think u should wait around either its hard and i cant picture myself wuth anyone else it makes me feel sick to think of kissing let alone sleeping with somebody but i dont want to be negative but dont belive in love now. its sad cos im talking to a nice girl but blow hot and cold with her and she doesnt deserve that i dont know whats right. have u met anyone since? i rember u said that ur ex said that he feels yoy love him too much which i dont get thats what anybody would want if there commited. i never cheated in eight years and didnt say i loved her as much as she did to me but it shows now who really ment it.

[Sar112]

I tried talking to a couple of people not long after - just as a bit of a confidence boost really, but had to stop when I realised I would just be stringing them along if I continued.

 

The thought of physical contact with anyone else makes me feel sick as well. And I'm the same - he told me that during the years we weren't together that he thought he had forgotten what love was. That I was the only person he had ever truly loved. I don't know if he still thinks that, but it's how I feel about him too and it makes it so hard to move on as you say.

 

I think it would be unfair of me to get into anything with anyone else atm as I'm just not ready and it would be unfair on them. It's probably the only way to start to truly heal though. I'm just not the sort of person who can 'jump into bed' with anyone - I need to feel a connection and the chances of that happening whilst my heart still belongs to him are really slim I feel.

 

Maybe if you explain the situation to this other girl - say she is lovely but that you have recently experienced a rough break up - she might understand and be willing to take things slow so you can both figure out whether it's worth pursuing?

[Chi townD]

One thing you'll learn about girls. Once they decide on something it damn near takes a law to change their mind. If she thinks the relationship is over, then believe her.

 

 

So, you need to move on. But, you also need to get your revenge. And the best revenge you can get is lead a damn good and adventurous life. Travel! Go see the world! Do fun stuff. Do things you've only dreamed of doing. Like skydiving, or white water rapids. Horseback riding. Or travel to Paris, or to the States! Take surfing lessons in Southern California. Do fun things!

 

 

And here's the rub, sooner or later, she might be curious about your life and ask around. Then, she'll discover all the things you've been doing and places you've been visiting and you've just made yourself a very fun and interesting person to be around! But, hopefully, you'll be healed enough not to care.

[Sar112]

And yes he said about me loving him too much - he was apparently worried that I relied on him and the fact that he was 'my world' made him feel under pressure incase he hurt me. I think it's all linked to his anxiety but that could be me making excuses for him. I did read an article that backed it up though...

 

Thing is, I have a well paid job - didn't rely on him financially, so I'm not sure what he meant. He kept saying that he wanted me to have my own life... whatever that means.

 

It sounds like you treated her really well. We all forget to say these things sometimes. There would have to be something really wrong for me to want to leave someone who clearly loved me and had always been faithful. I don't understand people who just don't want to fight for the one they love.

[Sar112]

I think Chi townD is right too - though I'd always thought it was men who were less likely to change their minds in these situations. Just from personal experience I guess!

[craigyboy01]

im not under any illusion that she will come back u dont sell your home if your not sure i will move on and have explained everything to the girl im speaking too and know that she wants to be with me but have allways said fiends for now we dont know are future and break could have been cos i was ment to be with this person but i just dont know if im ready or whenw hich im sure is the same for everyone. with reguard t o your ex saying he wants u to have your own life from a mans point i think that says everything. if u love somebody who feels the same it would never be to much. the most sickening thing for me is that the friday before the monday which is when we split i done rose pettels up the stairs to the bath for when she got home from work she kissed me and i asked if she was happy she said yes unforgivable and the best thing is shes blocked me from everything cos she said i keep bringing up past which is fair enough but for her to think i would just walk away without answers. she told me after she was wrighting in a dairy she was unhappy but why wouldnt u tell your partner if u wanted it to work. i wouldnt give her another chance it wont happen anyway its scared happy memories and showed she doesnt know the meaning of love.

Edited December 28, 2015 by craigyboy01

[Sar112]

I guess in a way it's good that you view them as scarred - hopefully, eventually that should make them easier to move on from. It's good that you've told this other girl what is going on as well. I'm sure she appreciates your honesty.

 

You sound like a lovely person doing all these thoughtful things for her and if she can't appreciate that then it's such a shame. You deserve someone who will appreciate you and love you in the same way you love them. We all do, but then I guess it's just hard to realise that when you still have such strong feelings for the person who has left you.

 

You sound quite resentful towards her which I think at this stage is a good thing especially as she doesn't appear to have treated you fairly. I think eventually all of the upset will turn to anger and then eventually it will fade - at least that's what my previous experiences have taught me. At that point it is easier to think about another relationship and moving on.

 

I agree with you on the whole 'own life' thing, but then it confuses me why he has told me to 'prove it' to him that I can be independent and show him I don't 'need' him by not being in contact for a while. The last thing he said was 'this isn't goodbye' but maybe that was the guilt talking. It has just given me hope and played with my head even more though unfortunately.

[craigyboy01]

i think the problem is when u love someone you can mis read what is said i belive if he was commited to you nothing would matter. he knows how u feel and probley plays on it a bit why should u have to prove ur independents to him? my ex done similar things like saying.if i really loved her i would be round there knocking the door i get there and she says its not gonna change how i feel. the last time i spoke to ger she said i had beat all feelings out of her i told her that doesnt matter and to look what happend when she claimed too. truth is if sombody wants it too work theres nothing that will get in the way. for me now im angry i was with her so long but still love her with all my heart. we need to accecpt it broke for a reason. if u get back with him and he finds something else u need to change will he go again. trust me no contact at all see what happens if hes the one it will be

[Sar112]

Yes, you're absolutely right. I won't be contacting him. He came back once before, who knows if he will again but he will need to work hard if he wants another chance this time. He clearly has big commitment issues - if only he was easier to forget!

 

The games people play are unfair - you sound like you are strong though and aren't holding out too much hope which is a good thing which I am sure will help you to move on quicker eventually.

 

Maybe channel the anger you have into showing her exactly what she is missing. She will realise eventually even if she doesn't admit it. Nothing hurts someone more than seeing the person they let go of succeeding and achieving more than they ever thought they were capable of.

[craigyboy01]

exactly u need to take your own advice cos its good advice u stil dropped in that he will have to prove himself if he wants a chance. the best thing is to let go of all hope and get on and it is bloody hard i never in eight years asked my ex to change anything or prove herself thats outrageous who does he think he is u love sombody for good bad inperfections not pick points you feel they need to change. im only angry at the fact she alliwed herself to fall out of love and say shes happy im not saying that i didnt do anything wrong the difference is im extremely guilty she was sad but at the same time if u say u are happy when your not it shows u have give up. me moving forward now has nothing to do with trying to show or prove she was wrong shes not the person i fell in love with and im not for her. i wouldnt have changed my time with her it was special but u see the difference when the love has gone i wish it had worked out different. i just wish that at the time were it wasnt totally broke she saw that too.

Edited December 28, 2015 by craigyboy01

[Sar112]

I understand, it's easy to look back though. Like you say, it's a shame she didn't say something at the time so that maybe you could have worked together to fix it.

 

I hope that as time passes and I focus on other things (I'm getting a new place next month so hopefully that will help with a new start), that I start to focus more on me and manage to let go of the hope I still have. I think the fact he said that he 'still loves me just as much and feels exactly the same as when we were together' that has made it harder - saying he is just scared. Pathetic really and no excuse if you really want to be with someone as you say.

 

Your attitude towards accepting what has happened is refreshing. I know you'll get through this and find someone lovely who does appreciate you even if now isn't quite the right time to do so. It's great that you're looking forward and not hanging on.

[craigyboy01]

getting a new place will help u and u should go out with friends and enoy yourself again him saying he loves u is just words his actions speak louder im not saying totally give up just dont let it hold u back. im not over it by anymeans im 33 lost my friend and soul mate and my house and now im back at mums for now. are allways have love for her she said to me that she will never get over me but its just words just dont contact him if he says something u dont like it only hurts u. give him space to see if he missis u if he doesnt contact u its hard but hes not the one. im going out for lunch tomorrow with girl to see if focusing on somebody else helps im not ready for all out relationship it wouldnt be fair if my heart is somwere else she knows that and understands so she is worth trying for even if it ends as just mates. i will allways think about ex and hope shes ok i just dread the day we see each other as we have same friends but are just be nice and keep chat short.

Edited December 28, 2015 by craigyboy01

[Sar112]

That is great advice Thank you. I'm sure you're not alright - maybe it won't ever feel totally alright, it certainly won't feel ok for a long time. I think you're doing the right thing meeting with this girl for lunch though - if nothing else it is good to meet and talk to new people to take your mind off things.

 

I dread that day too. I've not spoken to him for 3 weeks now and the holidays have been particularly tough but just trying to take each day as it comes.

 

Like you say, if someone cares for you enough and it is meant to be then it will find a way of working itself out. The only thing to think about right now though is yourself and how to make yourself happy.

[craigyboy01]

thats right a break up affect your self worth focus on realizeing u are worth it and its his loss we would both do anything to change things but truth is u cant only time will tell. i wish u the best and if he does comeback that he doesnt start listing things u need to change if he does then tell him to do one. good luck.x

[Sar112]

Thanks and same to you I hope you get what you want you sound like a lovely person who deserves happiness - whoever it is that ends up giving it to you. x

[craigyboy01]

if u feel down ever or need someone to talk to then give me a message. im going through the same and understand how u feel. keep your chin up.x