LydiaLong Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I would like to direct this question to the male members of this forum. Obviously if females have any insight, those insights are welcome. As I've posted in another thread, my husband's ex girlfriend is friends with his family, and occasionally we will have to be in her presence. A little background. He was in love with her and asked her to marry him. She declined. Later she dumped him. It's been several years. Then he met me and we got married. Now let me tell you that my husband is the most loyal and faithful husband I could possibly hope for. He has assured me over and over that she is nothing to him. But the demons still haunt me any time there's a possibility of having to be in the same place with her. I know that he's over her, but I can't help but wonder what goes through his mind when he looks at her. Do men every stop being thrilled by women they once loved? Can a man truly look at a woman he once loved with zero emotion or feelings? I try to consider it from my point of view. I have desperately loved other men, yet when I think of them, it's with zero emotion. They're like characters in a novel I once read. Is it the same with men? Any input would be greatly appreciated.
angel.eyes Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 How long were they together? Decades? Do they have children together? I'm trying to understand why an ex-girlfriend would continue to hang out with his family "several" years after a breakup. What's your relationship like with his family, BTW?
Author LydiaLong Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 First of all, he's not 'making' me hang out with her. She is the best friend of my sister in law, the same sister in law who introduced me to my husband. My sister in law has been my friend for 30 years. So at certain family functions my SIL invites 'her' to the house and we are there at the same time. My husband and this woman had a long distance relationship for almost two years. She is the one who ended it for reasons known only to her. He swears to me that there is not one 'scintilla' of feeling for her. He adores me. I know he doesn't sit around thinking of her. But I was just wondering what he thinks when he looks at her. Petty of me, I know, but it haunts my dreams sometimes.
central Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Believe your husband. You don't have a say in his ex being invited to family functions, and he's not doing the inviting anyway. I can say that while I may have a little nostalgia for a couple of exes, those relationships ended for good reasons. There can also be distaste or avoidance because an ex may have hurt me, and others I barely remember, much less have any feelings for, pro or con. I can also tell you that I am friends with some exes, and my wife graciously hangs out with them when we have plans to get together. I'm the same with her exes with whom she remained friends.
oldshirt Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 30 years??? I was assuming you were in your early 20s or something based on your insecurity. My bad. OK here is a man's view on ex's from a guy that's 51 years old and had several serious LTRs and a good number of flings, FWBs and casual dating before he got married at 31. I have no ill-will or contempt or bitterness for any of my ex's. However I also have no feelings of attachment, desire or connection with them either. Some I would be perfectly happy to say hi to and make idle chit chat for 2 minutes and then go on about my way. A couple I would prefer to not be around at all. Not because I have anything against them, but rather because it would feel awkward and uncomfortable on both sides. Now you may think your H or other guys would be pining for the ones that dumped us guys and you may be thinking that there are residual feelings and such since they were the ones that dumped us. ......not true. It's the ones that dumped me that I'd rather not be around. I don't hold any grudge or ill-will towards them, I would just rather not be around them to avoid any awkwardness and discomfort for either them or me. If your H was insisting on keeping in touch with them and messaging them in the middle of the night on Facebook or insisting that you accept that they will have lunches and get togethers and will have their own little secrets and a role in each other's lives - then I'd say you have an issue and cause for concern and would need to set some boundaries. But if he is going on about his life and doesn't really care about her one way or another, then let it go. Let it go before it does cause a problem that wasn't there to begin with.
GoodOnPaper Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Can a man truly look at a woman he once loved with zero emotion or feelings? I try to consider it from my point of view. I have desperately loved other men, yet when I think of them, it's with zero emotion. They're like characters in a novel I once read. Is it the same with men? Any input would be greatly appreciated. Different men would have different individual factors at play, so we can't specifically predict how your husband really feels, but just as it has for you, time and maturity can definitely affect a man's perception of how/why he was "in love" with someone in the past. I think it's easy for at least part of the "in love" feeling to actually be for the circumstances, emotional/sexual excitement, etc. than for the woman herself. Always being very aware of how much I struggled with attracting women, you might think that I would pine for any and all ex-GFs but quite frankly, I hope I never see any of them. When I look back, I realize that I was far more "in love" with the relationships than the actual women, but that's something that was impossible for me to see at the time. Also, don't underestimate the impact of going from talking marriage to being dumped. I went through the same thing with a GF, and even though the intimacy was the best and most open that I have ever experienced, I can't think of anything that would convince me to be in the same room with her now. I'm married with kids -- the way this ex-GF handled the end of our relationship stained her character beyond reproach. The thought of a family life with her is laughable.
angel.eyes Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 (edited) My husband and this woman had a long distance relationship for almost two years. She is the one who ended it for reasons known only to her. He swears to me that there is not one 'scintilla' of feeling for her. He adores me. I know he doesn't sit around thinking of her. But I was just wondering what he thinks when he looks at her. Petty of me, I know, but it haunts my dreams sometimes. Petty thoughts and concerns happen sometimes. That's in part why anonymous internet forums exist. Since she's a long-standing family friend, you'll have to deal with seeing her from time to time. Let the past stay in the past. Try to let it be instead of torturing yourself with speculation. Your husband is with you now, not her. Edited December 28, 2015 by angel.eyes
anika99 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I'm not sure anyone can tell you how your husband might feel about his ex as its really an individual thing. I'm a female and it's been my observation that men are more likely to hold onto feelings for an ex than woman are, but obviously this isn't true for every man. I think the danger is that sometimes an ex will remind us of happier days, a time when we were young, beautiful and more carefree, and that we might confuse the nostalgia with love for that ex, when really the ex is just stirring up happy memories.
dichotomy Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 (edited) For me - generally I can only "love" one woman at a time. So if I am in love - the old loves are no more (well maybe a flash of fondness for what was) However I have known people, including my current wife, who are capable of feeling love (or types of love) for multiple people/partners at the same time. Then it can be an issue. So it depends on who your married to- and how they love. Edited December 28, 2015 by dichotomy
Author LydiaLong Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Thank all of you for your thoughtful comments. And OldShirt, insecurities can happen whether you're 20 or 60.
Gloria25 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Ok, this is the same ex-gf who according to your other thread, at a family gathering of your husband's had the nerve to come and show off some cocktail ring her gave her waaaay back when and no one in your husband's family and/or him, said something to put her in her place? Yes, she is an issue and thank your husband and his family for not putting her in her place. The fact that on the cocktail ring issue your husband didn't put her in her place is a big red flag, IMO. He shouldn't be worried about his ex, her connection to his family - if she is rude, toxic, and enjoys throwing out snarky little comments at family engagements (the cocktail ring incident). He should be worried more about you, his wife and put any other woman who disses you in her their place.
Author LydiaLong Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Good, thanks for your words. I would want to avoid being around someone who dumped me too. In a way it's humiliating. It's great to have a man's point of view.
Author LydiaLong Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Gloria, yes, this is the same woman. The comment about the ring didn't happen when my husband was around. And when I told him about it he was beyond furious and called her names that made me smile. He is extremely protective of me; however, the sticking point in all of this is that she is the best friend of someone I dearly love (my SIL). And I can't be critical of her in front of my friend.
RedBaron2765 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I've only had a couple of relationships before marriage, and both were over 15 years ago. No feelings for either of them - the first one was a petite cutie but not sure anything would have come of it long-term, even though she was my first love. Second one was great sex, but she was nutty. I only think about her if I need to take care of some business (if you know what I mean), but I absolutely don't want to see her again.
Author LydiaLong Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Red, what do you think would happen if you ran into her? Instant hard-on? Nothing? Momentary thrill? A pang of remorse?
RedBaron2765 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Red, what do you think would happen if you ran into her? Instant hard-on? Nothing? Momentary thrill? A pang of remorse? The first one - don't know. I haven't seen her in almost 20 years. The breakup was hard, but it was probably for the best. That said, it was nice having people see me with an attractive, professional woman who admitted that she loved me. Second one - just for kicks, I looked her up on Facebook. She looks terrible now. I think of the great sex that we had, and I get a hard-on whenever I think of her back then as we would undress each other and go at it, but I'm glad I'm not with her, as she had/has issues.
Author LydiaLong Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Red, let me qualify something. Are you in a relationship now? If you're madly in love with someone, could the ex get the same reaction?
RedBaron2765 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Red, what do you think would happen if you ran into her? Instant hard-on? Nothing? Momentary thrill? A pang of remorse? Red, let me qualify something. Are you in a relationship now? If you're madly in love with someone, could the ex get the same reaction? Yes, married now almost 15 years. To be honest, I'm not super happy in my marriage, but no desire to hook back up with an old girlfriend.
angel.eyes Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Red, what do you think would happen if you ran into her? Instant hard-on? Nothing? Momentary thrill? A pang of remorse? Why are you torturing yourself like this? You're going to create problems in your marriage where none exist if you keep this up. 1
Author LydiaLong Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Angel, I'd love nothing better than to stop torturing myself. From what I've read, this 'retro' jealousy is a form of OCD. Believe me, I don't enjoy it. If I never had to be in her presence, there would be no issue. But when I see her, the movies play endlessly in my head. I imagine things they did, the sex, etc. It's pure hell.
Gloria25 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Angel, I'd love nothing better than to stop torturing myself. From what I've read, this 'retro' jealousy is a form of OCD. Believe me, I don't enjoy it. If I never had to be in her presence, there would be no issue. But when I see her, the movies play endlessly in my head. I imagine things they did, the sex, etc. It's pure hell. Then divorce him already... Either you (1) believe that he only wants you - which means you stop this irrational jealousy and stay in your marriage; (2) believe he still wants his ex - which means you divorce him so both of you are free to be with whom you wanna be; or (3) which is to continue to obsess, stay in the marriage - which is gonna drive you crazy and push him into her arms. Life is about choices, no one is obligating you to stay in a marriage where you believe that your husband "settled".
Author LydiaLong Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Gloria, it's not that simple. I adore my husband. I can't imagine my life without him. Clearly you've never had obsessive thoughts. They're not something you can rationalize. Many people suffer from this 'disorder.' If I could stop thinking this way I'd do it right now. I don't know how to stop it.
Gloria25 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Gloria, it's not that simple. I adore my husband. I can't imagine my life without him. Clearly you've never had obsessive thoughts. They're not something you can rationalize. Many people suffer from this 'disorder.' If I could stop thinking this way I'd do it right now. I don't know how to stop it. Then maybe you need to seek therapy/counseling...cuz either you got a good husband who only wants you or you don't. From your other thread, I think your concerns about your husband still having a "thing" for his ex (regardless if he intends to act on it) cuz he didn't put her in her place after the cocktail ring incident...and, instead of you confronting him you're internalizing it and making it an issue with "you". And, as a woman, I believe we do that a lot. Instead of confrontations, handling our business, we sometimes prefer to keep our head in the sand and blame ourselves.
BettyDraper Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 It was in poor taste for your husband's ex to flaunt an old gift in front of everyone. I don't think this means she wants him-it just means that she is immature and mean spirited. She wanted to hurt you because she's petty; not because she wanted your husband. If she wanted your husband, she would have married him instead of dumping him. Nevertheless, your insecurity and obsession is not healthy. I can be prone to obsessive thoughts as well. I find that keeping a journal of my thoughts is helpful. When I reread what I have written later, I can make sense of how my thoughts might be hindering me in some ways. I also find that focusing on other activities helps immensely. For example, I love to cook so I will look at recipes. I also think about those I care about and spend time with them. Hobbies are helpful as well as contributing to the lives of the less fortunate.
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