Insecurity/Jealousy and obsession

[theitman]

Hey all.

28M here, dating a 28F for 4 years.

 

Back story,

 

I've never had an issue talking with women. I'm good looking and successful, however, I had always had a fear of STDs and pregnancy and as a result never had sex until I met my current gf. She on the other hand has had prior relationships and I DO NOT ever hold that against her.

 

Now, our sex frequency isn't as high as I'd like it to be. Once a week which is too little for me. With that said, we both agree that the sex is mind blowing every time. It's something she has said to me as well that while she may have had good experiences with others sometimes, our sex is great every time.

 

So recently, we were going through old pictures she had on her computer and old phones and what stood out is that she seemed more sexual back then. Teasy pictures, sexting, etc. And I sort of hinted at that and never got a response as to why it is that way.It's not something she really does with me at all.

 

So how do I deal with this? Additionally, what is my obsession with wanting to know details about her past? I feel like I can't ever move past this. I need to know what she did in her past.

 

:(

 

My brains all over the place.

[Ic1]

I think you need to simply let this go because this is all before you knew her, and over 4 years she hasn't been like this. She's matured since then.

 

Now if any of these single-woman-looking-for-action pieces of evidence were during your relationship (even within the first week) that would be a HUGE issue. This is because of lying for 4 years.

[Redfisher]

Hey all.

28M here, dating a 28F for 4 years.

 

Back story,

 

I've never had an issue talking with women. I'm good looking and successful, however, I had always had a fear of STDs and pregnancy and as a result never had sex until I met my current gf. She on the other hand has had prior relationships and I DO NOT ever hold that against her.

 

Now, our sex frequency isn't as high as I'd like it to be. Once a week which is too little for me. With that said, we both agree that the sex is mind blowing every time. It's something she has said to me as well that while she may have had good experiences with others sometimes, our sex is great every time.

 

So recently, we were going through old pictures she had on her computer and old phones and what stood out is that she seemed more sexual back then. Teasy pictures, sexting, etc. And I sort of hinted at that and never got a response as to why it is that way.It's not something she really does with me at all.

 

So how do I deal with this? Additionally, what is my obsession with wanting to know details about her past? I feel like I can't ever move past this. I need to know what she did in her past.

 

:(

 

My brains all over the place.

 

Tell her this! You need more sex. Be nice about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're starting to get anxious because the sex has dwindled. Was it always occurring about once a week? I also think you're feeling insecure because you see she's done things with other guys that she hasn't done with you and that bothers you. But as the other poster said, she was younger then. It might be something that she just isn't all that interested in anymore. When do these pictures/sexts date from?

 

And you must stop telling yourself you need to know every detail about her past. No. You don't need to. You want to know. There's a big difference. And obsessing over that will destroy you. If that's truly in her past, there's no reason to be pestering her for details now.

 

How's your relationship otherwise? Do you trust her? I had an ex like you, and he had deep issues with trust and insecurity. His insistence on knowing all the details of my past was irritating as hell and a violation of my privacy. It was one of the reasons I eventually broke up with him.

[theitman]

I think you need to simply let this go because this is all before you knew her, and over 4 years she hasn't been like this. She's matured since then.

 

Now if any of these single-woman-looking-for-action pieces of evidence were during your relationship (even within the first week) that would be a HUGE issue. This is because of lying for 4 years.

 

I agree that it's in the past. I just seem to have a hard time letting it go but I'm trying.

 

Tell her this! You need more sex. Be nice about it.

 

We generally communicate very well. We have discussed the sex frequency and she understands, however she isn't always in the mood. So most of our sex is a result of her initiating as whenever I want it, it's generally not the right time.

 

When looking back at her past, I understand she has matured, but I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that there is no room for improvement on her end; specially seeing how it was just 4-5 years ago. I have told her that I think our sex life is becoming a little predictable and lacking a little excitement. However, it hasn't changed.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree that it's in the past. I just seem to have a hard time letting it go but I'm trying.

 

 

 

We generally communicate very well. We have discussed the sex frequency and she understands, however she isn't always in the mood. So most of our sex is a result of her initiating as whenever I want it, it's generally not the right time.

 

When looking back at her past, I understand she has matured, but I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that there is no room for improvement on her end; specially seeing how it was just 4-5 years ago. I have told her that I think our sex life is becoming a little predictable and lacking a little excitement. However, it hasn't changed.

 

And what have you done to spice things up? If you've introduced some new ideas, explained what you'd like or tried to get her talking about what she'd like to try and nothing has progressed, then you're at a dead-end. She might simply be losing interest.

[theitman]

I think you're starting to get anxious because the sex has dwindled. Was it always occurring about once a week? I also think you're feeling insecure because you see she's done things with other guys that she hasn't done with you and that bothers you. But as the other poster said, she was younger then. It might be something that she just isn't all that interested in anymore. When do these pictures/sexts date from?

 

And you must stop telling yourself you need to know every detail about her past. No. You don't need to. You want to know. There's a big difference. And obsessing over that will destroy you. If that's truly in her past, there's no reason to be pestering her for details now.

 

How's your relationship otherwise? Do you trust her? I had an ex like you, and he had deep issues with trust and insecurity. His insistence on knowing all the details of my past was irritating as hell and a violation of my privacy. It was one of the reasons I eventually broke up with him.

 

The sex has dwindled. We were doing it about 3 times a week down to 1. For the last three years we've also been living together. This is my first long term relationship and I don't know if that makes a difference.

 

I agree about the need/want distinction stated. I'm just trying to figure out WHY I want to know this. Is it because I was a virgin and feel the need to compare?

 

The relationship otherwise is great. It truly is. She knows I'm her one and I feel the same way. We both eventually want to get married within the next 5 years. There are absolutely no trust issues. She is a good person. And I mean good. Always kind, caring and will go out of her way to help others. I've been cheated on before and likewise could never do that to someone I care about.

 

I'd also like to clarify, I never pester for details. The topic of exes comes up at most once, maybe twice a year. And in the course of the discussion, I ask questions. It generally never carries on beyond a single day. However it does play around in my mind for about a week.

 

 

 

And what have you done to spice things up? If you've introduced some new ideas, explained what you'd like or tried to get her talking about what she'd like to try and nothing has progressed, then you're at a dead-end. She might simply be losing interest.

 

I'm big on communication or at least I try to be. I lurk this forum and others all the time as the content interests me a lot.

 

I have communicated my desires and the response is generally, I'll work on it though we never reach that point. She is very content with the sex. About a year and a half ago, I asked her why we never had sex when I initiate it, she suggested I pretty much pull my junk out am ready to go to town. I agreed to an extent and now work to satisfy her needs of being teased and touched and told she's beautiful. Thing is, it still doesn't work. I'll dress up in things she claims are hot and nothing. She'll touch me, give me a kiss for 2 minutes and is ready to get back to TV or whatever else she's doing.

 

I know she's not losing interest though. We had our once a week sex today and as usual after we were done, she looked at me said, "we need to have sex more often. I think it's just a mental block with me." Thing is as usual any discussion beyond that or whatever leads to no change.

 

Make sense?

 

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate you all taking the time to respond.

[kassy]

In my experience when the sexual needs of one person aren't being met over a long period of time (i.e. Not just short term as one is sick or something) then it becomes a bigger and bigger deal the longer the relationship goes. Mainly the person not getting enough feels the other isn't trying, doesn't want them sexually, and the other person seems to feel like they aren't good enough or that everything is always about sex.

 

I'd personally go to a couples counselor because good communication is pretty key here and it's such a delicate matter. If it can't be resolved to find a loving middle ground where both are happy enough then it really will become an increasing strain on the relationship

[ExpatInItaly]

The sex has dwindled. We were doing it about 3 times a week down to 1. For the last three years we've also been living together. This is my first long term relationship and I don't know if that makes a difference.

 

I agree about the need/want distinction stated. I'm just trying to figure out WHY I want to know this. Is it because I was a virgin and feel the need to compare?

 

The relationship otherwise is great. It truly is. She knows I'm her one and I feel the same way. We both eventually want to get married within the next 5 years. There are absolutely no trust issues. She is a good person. And I mean good. Always kind, caring and will go out of her way to help others. I've been cheated on before and likewise could never do that to someone I care about.

 

I'd also like to clarify, I never pester for details. The topic of exes comes up at most once, maybe twice a year. And in the course of the discussion, I ask questions. It generally never carries on beyond a single day. However it does play around in my mind for about a week.

 

I've been there too. An ex and I were in a similar situation. As in, I didn't have the desire to do it very often with him. But, there were other problems in that we were growing apart and I could feel myself falling out of love so the desire naturally wasn't very high anymore. If your relationship is strong and healthy though, this won't be the reason for the lower frequency.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm big on communication or at least I try to be. I lurk this forum and others all the time as the content interests me a lot.

 

I have communicated my desires and the response is generally, I'll work on it though we never reach that point. She is very content with the sex. About a year and a half ago, I asked her why we never had sex when I initiate it, she suggested I pretty much pull my junk out am ready to go to town. I agreed to an extent and now work to satisfy her needs of being teased and touched and told she's beautiful. Thing is, it still doesn't work. I'll dress up in things she claims are hot and nothing. She'll touch me, give me a kiss for 2 minutes and is ready to get back to TV or whatever else she's doing.

 

I know she's not losing interest though. We had our once a week sex today and as usual after we were done, she looked at me said, "we need to have sex more often. I think it's just a mental block with me." Thing is as usual any discussion beyond that or whatever leads to no change.

 

Make sense?

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate you all taking the time to respond.

 

This part doesn't make sense to me, no.

 

You need to ask her what she means by this. I get that relationships get comfortable, as I too have lived with boyfriends and frequency usually ebbs and flows over time. But this comment about a mental block is worth investigating - is she stressed? Bored? Feeling insecure about her weight/looks? She needs to communicate what that was about. I feel it's probably an important piece of the puzzle.

 

I think you need to have a potentially difficult conversation with her. Let her know this drop in frequency is affecting you and you feel at a loss about what to do. You can explain that you have tried to please her and considered what she prefers, but that you feel it's not been very successful. Be tactful about this; make sure she understands that you enjoy the sex you do have very much.

 

The bottom line might be that you just have different sex drives. If you talk about it again and still no progress, I really don't know what more you can do unfortunately.

Edited December 28, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[Qboro90]

The reason you're so curious about her past is most likely due to your subconscious need to continue having her validate her attraction and interest in you. While she's all you've ever had... You're not all she's ever had so by inquiring about her past relationship details you can either feel better about what you and her do intimately, or feel worse by thinking that she was more open and sexually interested with her past guys. It's a twisted desire to prod about these things. Almost like watching a car crash. You want her to give you details but there's a fine line you're towing and eventually she'll tell you something that makes you real insecure, or makes you worry more about the state of your relationship, or makes you jealous of her past.

 

All you NEED to know is that she has had sex with another guy(s). It wasn't a lot of guys, she's not a freak. She's not interested in her ex at all nor will she be in the future. She's satisfied with your relationship and you please her sexually. You're just getting to the time where there's a lull/rut/routine in your relationship. Talking about it definitely helps but sometimes it might be best to take control of it yourself and initiate more.

 

In order to get her to be receptive to your sexual advances you need to do a better job of reading the situations, her body language, mood, demeanor. Build up the playfulness during your days at home. Hands on playful touching throughout the day and night. Complimenting her in a more intimate way . Ex. If she gets out the shower and your on the bed watching tv "damn babe wow... You look so fu$&: sexy right Now... Gimme a lil spin and show off that butt".

 

It's also helped me when the routine gets a lil dull to have a night out where we each have a few drinks. Drunk/tipsy sex is always fun sex. It also lowers her inabitions a bit so you can get a little more aggressive or passionate, or talk dirtier. Again, might work for others and not you but if you need ideas that's one.

 

As far as the pictures and dressing goes. That's just attributed to her at a younger age. She's not gonna be wearing miniskirts and dressing up like a sexy ballerina on Halloween anymore because she's maturing. If you want her to dress up at home. That's something you can bring up and suggest.

 

Lastly, are you keeping up your appearance for her. Don't fall into the trap of letting yourself go. Work out, stay fit and dress attractively/sharply so that she can think "oh wow, he looks handsome tonight. Def wanna play "

[theitman]

This part doesn't make sense to me, no.

 

You need to ask her what she means by this. I get that relationships get comfortable, as I too have lived with boyfriends and frequency usually ebbs and flows over time. But this comment about a mental block is worth investigating - is she stressed? Bored? Feeling insecure about her weight/looks? She needs to communicate what that was about. I feel it's probably an important piece of the puzzle.

 

I think you need to have a potentially difficult conversation with her. Let her know this drop in frequency is affecting you and you feel at a loss about what to do. You can explain that you have tried to please her and considered what she prefers, but that you feel it's not been very successful. Be tactful about this; make sure she understands that you enjoy the sex you do have very much.

 

The bottom line might be that you just have different sex drives. If you talk about it again and still no progress, I really don't know what more you can do unfortunately.

 

The reason you're so curious about her past is most likely due to your subconscious need to continue having her validate her attraction and interest in you. While she's all you've ever had... You're not all she's ever had so by inquiring about her past relationship details you can either feel better about what you and her do intimately, or feel worse by thinking that she was more open and sexually interested with her past guys. It's a twisted desire to prod about these things. Almost like watching a car crash. You want her to give you details but there's a fine line you're towing and eventually she'll tell you something that makes you real insecure, or makes you worry more about the state of your relationship, or makes you jealous of her past.

 

All you NEED to know is that she has had sex with another guy(s). It wasn't a lot of guys, she's not a freak. She's not interested in her ex at all nor will she be in the future. She's satisfied with your relationship and you please her sexually. You're just getting to the time where there's a lull/rut/routine in your relationship. Talking about it definitely helps but sometimes it might be best to take control of it yourself and initiate more.

 

In order to get her to be receptive to your sexual advances you need to do a better job of reading the situations, her body language, mood, demeanor. Build up the playfulness during your days at home. Hands on playful touching throughout the day and night. Complimenting her in a more intimate way . Ex. If she gets out the shower and your on the bed watching tv "damn babe wow... You look so fu$&: sexy right Now... Gimme a lil spin and show off that butt".

 

It's also helped me when the routine gets a lil dull to have a night out where we each have a few drinks. Drunk/tipsy sex is always fun sex. It also lowers her inabitions a bit so you can get a little more aggressive or passionate, or talk dirtier. Again, might work for others and not you but if you need ideas that's one.

 

As far as the pictures and dressing goes. That's just attributed to her at a younger age. She's not gonna be wearing miniskirts and dressing up like a sexy ballerina on Halloween anymore because she's maturing. If you want her to dress up at home. That's something you can bring up and suggest.

 

Lastly, are you keeping up your appearance for her. Don't fall into the trap of letting yourself go. Work out, stay fit and dress attractively/sharply so that she can think "oh wow, he looks handsome tonight. Def wanna play "

 

 

Folks,

 

Thanks a lot for the replies. ExpatinItaly, I will work on communicating with her better. You guys are like counselors. I've realized some things I hadn't before and appreciate the time you've taken to respond.

 

I hope to have an update in a week or so after we've spoken.

 

Qboro, I do keep up my appearance. I dress formally to work, something she claims she can't resist. And I am in good shape. Not 6 pack, great shape but good. I agree about going out more. I think that's a key here. I do try to do dinner out once a week, but it's not always a go on her end. (And I understand that part as sometimes she just wants to relax and do nothing on the weekends)

 

I'll talk to her. Openly.

 

Thanks!