No contact worked - sort of - what now?

[richadam]

Hey guys. So, the Sunday before Christmas my girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me. We moved very quickly the first 2 months, and literally spent every night together. We've known each other for a long time beforehand, but hadn't really been friends; just acquaintances who kept in contact sporadically (1-2 a year maximum).

 

Anyway, I took the break up well. We had had a few arguments the previous 2-3 weeks, and it had got to her. She broke it off. I basically said "okay, there isn't much I can do. All the best". She, 3 times, pulled me back in to the car and wanted to continue chatting immediately post-break up. This, to me, seemed like she wanted me to fight for her. But I didn't give in. I knew that if I played my cards right I could potentially get her back in a few weeks. Which is what I want. You see, we have been arguing a lot because I've been very stressed at work and have, stupidly, taken it out on her. I realise this now, and will rectify it should we get back together.

 

I immediately began no contact - Once I'd finally managed to get out of the car and away. She text me a huge message, and liked a few statuses/pictures on my facebook.

 

She continued to like pretty much anything I posted on facebook over the next 4 days, as well as anything my friends/family posted. She even contacted my mother to say how sad she was that we had split up and that I wouldn't talk to her. I continued to maintain not responding, and continued going out with my friends and being busy.

 

On Xmas eve she text me. A long message. It wasn't anything I could particularly reply to, so I ignored it. 30 minutes later, another message. This time, complaining that I'd deleted everything we'd done together on facebook (I actually hadn't done this). I decided to let my girl-friends intervene here, and take control of the phone. She explained that for us to get back together some things would have to change. I pretty much stopped the conversation there, wished her a merry christmas, and to take care.

 

Christmas morning:

 

She texts. "My parents aren't happy we've split up. My sister isn't either. She's been telling them how lovely you are. Christmas is sh*t without you. I'm feeling down today" She then facetimed me.

 

I didn't push it too much, and just left her to it.

 

Boxing day:

 

She texts. "hey. What are you doing tonight? My parents are having a party. They want you to come"

 

I didn't respond for a few hours because I was busy. Eventually I did, explaining that while I would love to come, it may be a bit awkward. And basically said "it's up to you"

 

She text back, but not how I expected

 

"Come if you would like to. Everyone knows we have split up now so it wont be awkward. We can be friends Richard"

 

I replied along the lines of...

 

"Sorry but I wont be coming. We are not friends and I have no intention of being friends"

 

A few minutes later she sent me a message saying "HAs my sister been speaking to you?"

 

I replied "She contacted me, yes"

 

She replied "She has just told me"

 

I didn't reply at this point (around 8pm)

 

At 8.30pm I received a snapshot form her of my conversation with her sister.

 

 

The conversation was basically her sister telling me to get around to her house and win her back. And me saying that I do intend on eventually getting back with her, and that I think the world of her. A bit annoyed at her sister for doing that.

 

Anyway, I haven't contacted her since and feel like I should continue no contact again.

 

Part of me knows she still has feelings for me, but thinks that with Christmas, she was probably feeling a bit lonely and contacted me because of that.

 

thoughts on my next steps?

[Blanco]

next step is to stop using NC as some sort of manipulation tactic.

[Erik30]

You haven't been doing NC, a couple of days here and there doesn't count. You broke up barely a week ago and there still seems to be a lot of communication. I did like your reply about not wanting to be friends because it's honest. Start really doing NC from now on, and it will probably be a matter of weeks/months.

 

Also, don't think of NC like some tool you can use to get her back. It might not work out the way you want it to, because it has to be her own decision to get back together. There's nothing you can do to make her want that.

[richadam]

Thanks for the replies folks.

 

I see what you're saying, but I hadn't been communicating back until she contacted me twice. If she'd had left it at the first text I'd have left it.

 

In the text about things having to change, she said at the end "I'd like to meet up". Thoughts? May it be worth having that discussion about what would have to change?

 

When she Facetimed me on Christmas day she seemed genuinely excited to talk to me and really happy. She said I'd made her smile and laugh when she had been missing me all week.

[d0nnivain]

The title of your post says NC worked. No it didn't. NC is about helping you heal to get over her. It also requires NO CONTACT not facetime, not sitting in the car, not liking each other's status on social media. It's about separating every aspect of your lives forever

 

 

If you want somebody back if you want to work on the relationship you talk. Since that is your goal, apologize for allowing the stress to poison your relationship & then move forward addressing that issue & not allowing it to recur.

[Ic1]

I'm a bit confused. You wanted to play her to get her back, and she's struggling to get back with you now. A week seems long enough for only two weeks of rough roads, so...?

 

But one thing that I think is worth considering heavily:

3 times, pulled me back in to the car and wanted to continue chatting immediately post-break up.

 

She broke up with you to intentionally play you like you have been to her. It's obvious she is willing to be back with you even solely on your terms. But how she did this, with expectations you would beg for her back ASAP, and making physical moves that could've hurt (bump head) to KEEP you in the car would be red flags to me.

[anna121]

She's hardly innocent here, but you admit that your poor treatment of her precipitated the break-up. She was obviously conflicted, but the more time you spend apart the more she is likely to get over the whole thing.

 

Honestly it doesn't sound like a stable or healthy rel-ship. Lots and lots and LOTS of game playing. She has your number now, though, since she knows that your cool stance was a ruse. So I'd say you need to eat some crow if you want to get back with her. But I advise you start fresh with someone else.

[spiderlily12]

Do you actually like this girl and want to get back together with her?

 

I'm not going to be naive and say don't play games, obviously people do in relationships. Everyone wants to feel assured and confident in the relationship and for some people this means feeling like they're in control.

 

But you're taking it too far mate. Whatever you're doing it's already worked - she clearly wants to get back together. You're now making her grovel and beg. Do you actually even respect and like this girl? If you continue at this rate what kind of healthy relationship can you have.

 

Seems to me like you're just trying to punish her for breaking up with you, and despite you admitting you had problems you don't want to admit you need to change because that will give her too much power or something.

 

A relationship goes both ways. Just be a man, tell her you're going to treat her better than you did before and then actually do it. If she starts acting up and doing the same thing you did (ie. now starting to act like she has the upper hand), then you can just ignore it the way you've been doing.

 

You guys are supposed to be in love remember?

[richadam]

1. Yes, I think the world of her. As mentioned above, I just know, from past experiences, that sometimes 'playing it cool' can help the process.

 

2. I took on your advice and decided to contact her.

 

 

We hadn't spoken for 2 days, but she liked a facebook post I'd just written that could have been an in-joke between us in hindsight. It wasn't intended as such. So last night I decided to text her asking "are you busy tonight?". She called me immediately twice following the text, literally minutes after, but wasn't able to answer the call. I responded via text saying I'd contact her later when I was able to.

 

Unfortunately I didn't get home until two hours later, but did message her. We chatted for a little while, and she called again. I was hoping we'd meet in person, but by the time I'd got home she was at a family party.

 

After we'd spoken, she text me saying "I'm not too bad, am I? We can still be friends xxx"

 

As I've mentioned, I don't have any intention of being friends with her. She is amazing, and beautiful, and sweet, but I can't be friends with her. At least not for a while.

 

So I responded "If you really have no intention of getting back with me, please, at least for a few months, can you leave myself, my family and my friends be. I need that time to move on"

 

At this point, I honestly felt like I was about to lose her. I didn't expect back a positive reply.

 

She responded that it wasn't her intention that we never get back together. That she was confused but that she loves me and that for the majority of our relationship I treated her amazingly. But the arguing and nagging at the end had really got to her and she needed some time and space to get through that.

She suggested we meet in a couple of days when she is back from a trip to talk, but did note that she "couldn't promise anything" and didn't want to give "false hope".

 

At this point, in my head, it seems logical to actually go for the 'friends' thing she's talking about. At least keeping in contact when she contacts me. I can show her my 'best me', and maybe rekindle things.

 

It's a shame. My friends and family love her, and she loves them. I'm hoping she'll attend a wedding that I'm best man for in 2 weeks (which she was really excited about).

Edited December 29, 2015 by richadam

[d0nnivain]

Pick up the phone & call her. Ask her point blank if she will still be your date to the wedding.

[VeveCakes]

If you want her back just ask her if she will get back together with you.

 

Yes means you are back together.

No means true NC and time to move on.

 

Not rocket science, play enough games and you will be the one left sad at the end of the day. Don't push a woman to the point where she moves herself on.

[LilMama1097]

Let me get this straight:

You treated her bad (took your personal issues out on her) she got the self respect to dump you, you want her back and instead of proving to her you're not a dick, you decide to be a dick some more and ignore her, don't hear her out on what YOU need to fix and are using NC to manipulate her?

1. You should be begging HER to take you back

2. Try COMMUNICATING with her. You'd be surprised at how much gets resolved when you stop playing games and actually be honest and straight forward

3. It sounds like you're trying to get away with being an a*& to her rather than face the consequences of how you treated her

[LilMama1097]

Okay, you contacted her and heard her out. I just read the rest of your responses. Good