surferchic Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 Hello all. In the midst of trying to select a mate,there are several things to consider. Like dealbreakers...how much of someone are you willing to accept beyond your "normal" level of tolerance. I sometimes ponder though, how firm does one need to stick to dealbreaker limits...meaning, when do you decide to bend. As I get older I'm thankful for a job,family and close friends. However, there are several relatives(4-5) who helped to take care of me growing up. I know it's not my sole responsibility, but I feel a huge pressure to help take care of when they're not about to take care of themselves... Doing that as a single female feels incredibly overwhelming. Yes I work, but I don't make 6 figures and I struggle taking care of myself.... I've dated a few guys who seemed cool,but the relationship didn't work out for whatever reason and/or me refusing to put up with dealbreakers. I could've stayed. Some couples I know are able to help with the wellbeing of relatives simply because they chose to stay (knowing some negative characteristics) to stick with someone who brings a lot to the relationship financially. I observe lots of couples who have been together for years. Not because their relationship is perfect, but they compliment each other, put up with certain issues and seem to truly support one another in various ways,especially financially. I know several couples where it appears that one or both of them are sacrificing part of themselves to stay with a spouse who, makes life easier in some way,e.g. financial support, extended family support, etc. Do some couples stay because their spouse helps provide financial support for the other spouse's family? Is that wrong? So, in your opinion where do you draw the line? I'm not that old,nor am I that young. I don't want to be single forever. Just recently single... NOR am I materialistic. I'm the type of gal who drops a guy once I see a few dealbreakers: disrespect, immaturity, to much baby mama tension, etc. Hope all this makes sense. I don't want to be miserable just to have financial stability or security. I also don't want to grow old, single and/or not being able to emotionally, financially, etc help take care of my elders. Thanks LS.
kassy Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I have no idea what you are trying to ask. It sounds like you want permissionto date/marry someone for money. You wouldn't be the first or last to do so... Not my style but then I have money. If you decide to do that then who is it to judge you. It sounds like the main deal breaker for you is a guys lack of willingness to support you and your family.
Author surferchic Posted December 27, 2015 Author Posted December 27, 2015 (edited) Actually no....I'm not a user of people and not looking for a handout and don't have any kids. . I wouldn't be afraid to admit anything in such an anonymous forum... Iive worked ever since I graduated from college, about 20 yrs now. Sorry if I used a roundabout approach, but I sincerely don't want someone to support my family....its sad that your takeaway make you think that... I genuinely want to know how people stay together so log in spite of certain negative characteristics. I've broken up with men who thought they could buy me. Problem was I'm not into what a guy can do for me. If i was, i could stay and play the game. But thats not me,never has been. I tend to like my alone time and everything. If there are issues in my life I deal with them soberly.I don't drink or do drugs so I feel like I may always see something that is a dealbreaker and my tolerance will be short. Sometimes people use alcohol to "put up with" their relationships. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Am I just too impatient? No, I will not want someone who will support my family. I want someone who is "willing" a great team player because I do the same. So this isn't just about $,its about time and energy as well. Edited December 27, 2015 by surferchic
muse08 Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I feel you, OP because physically one person can't even be everywhere at one time. A mate would definitely help in sharing the load, whatever that load might be. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I think some people meet their match young, some people meet their match old, and some never do. And a lot of people settle down with someone who they feel isn't the best match, but a better choice than being alone. I haven't met my match yet, though I've had relationships with men who would do. I've chosen to keep looking for a good match, and I'm figuring out and trying to accept that it's possible it might not happen. I definitely sometimes question whether I've been too picky, whether I shouldn't have just accepted one of these OK options and made it work. But I made clear choices at the time, so I think it's best to accept they were for the best and move forward. Perhaps at a certain point I'll get tired and choose to get comfortable with someone who isn't the best match but will do. In the meantime, I get my kicks where I can and try to keep the faith. 3
FadedSign52 Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 As long as your dealbreakers aren't ridiculous - and it doesn't sound like they are. If you're waiting for your knight in shining armor guy who has zero imperfections though you may be waiting a long time.
Author surferchic Posted December 27, 2015 Author Posted December 27, 2015 Thanks. Muse. That's part of my main point... As I mentioned in my initial post there are several elders who've helped raise me. They are in different parts of the rest coast. I can't be all over the east coast all the time. So I'm really thinking about these things now because my parents are getting older, so am I. And I know that a mate could help share the load, not just financially... But physically as well being able to be therer reach other's families. Can even pay caretakers for several family members who are all around the same age. That's a bit concerning for me especially at this point in my life.
Author surferchic Posted December 27, 2015 Author Posted December 27, 2015 Thanks guys. Perhaps I'm not picky enough is what my friends say... Sometimes I listen too much to the opinions of others. Other times I don't listen enough. Not sure if I'm looking for knight in shining armour, but I do want a man who can balance his jealousy/control with being sweet,kind, a leader and chivalrous. Is that unrealistic...?
Ruby Slippers Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 sweet,kind, a leader and chivalrous. Is that unrealistic...? Well, I think these are the very best guys, and they're rare. In my experience, most leaders don't get ahead by being sweet, kind, and chivalrous. The ones who maintain integrity alongside power are the exceptions to the rule.
Popsicle Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 Go ahead and do whatever you want. You're probably too "together" now anyway for men. You need a black mark or two on your record. Guys prefer women who are basketcases in some way, but they will never admit that.
Buddhist Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 So, in your opinion where do you draw the line? I'm not that old,nor am I that young. You'e probably at that age where you start viewing things with a realistic rather than romantic lens. You are realising love doesn't cure everything, it often isn't enough and there are standards you have in your life. IMO, a very healthy place to be relationships wise. You now know what you are willing to sacrifice for a relationship and what you definitely are not. You are realising that a longterm partnership needs a solid foundation and that you can't metaphorically marry yourself to a dead weight. I don't want to be miserable just to have financial stability or security. I also don't want to grow old, single and/or not being able to emotionally, financially, etc help take care of my elders. My only advice is this. Stay in this state for a while, keep figuring things out, because your laundry list of things to admire in a mate are changing for the better. You will probably come to value things like emotional maturity, mental stability, responsibility and values as highly important. And find yourself a lot more flexible on the physical package it comes in. And here's the interesting thing about that. Once I let go of my physical package....aka my type. I met a man who was physically more attractive than all the others as well as having the above too. In short, my type, was keeping me away from the right guy, and the right guy is actually much better in every way. No compromise at all. So keep doing what you're doing. No-one is perfect but crazy seems to be entirely common and there's no shame to saying no to that. If you are a member of the sane minority then it makes sense to want to date the sane minority and that does mean bypassing the majority. It will feel like you reject a lot of options, but if they aren't reasonable options then you need to reject them. Good luck on your journey. 3
Author surferchic Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Well, I think these are the very best guys, and they're rare. In my experience, most leaders don't get ahead by being sweet, kind, and chivalrous. The ones who maintain integrity alongside power are the exceptions to the rule. By leader, I just mean having leadership like qualities. Not since famous leader. I know plenty of respectful and kind "leaders". They just are already taken or just a friend. They sometimes lead by grace of example or they lead with authority at work and bring it down a notch at home.
Author surferchic Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Go ahead and do whatever you want. You're probably too "together" now anyway for men. You need a black mark or two on your record. Guys prefer women who are basketcases in some way, but they will never admit that. ... Aaah,lol. Are you being sarcastic or serious? Too together? Sooo not me... I honestly think I'm in btwn... Which is like most I would assume. Too together sounds like type A personality which is not me. I'm laid back, but I don't have a problem leaving a situation that seems to have no potential for a future. Besides, to together also sounds like someone who's just pretending to be together outwardly(appearance & otherwise), but are about to fall apart inwardly. Do lemme know if your statement was serious or sarcastic. I'd like to pick your brain. 1
Author surferchic Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 You'e probably at that age where you start viewing things with a realistic rather than romantic lens. You are realising love doesn't cure everything, it often isn't enough and there are standards you have in your life. IMO, a very healthy place to be relationships wise. You now know what you are willing to sacrifice for a relationship and what you definitely are not. You are realising that a longterm partnership needs a solid foundation and that you can't metaphorically marry yourself to a dead weight. My only advice is this. Stay in this state for a while, keep figuring things out, because your laundry list of things to admire in a mate are changing for the better. You will probably come to value things like emotional maturity, mental stability, responsibility and values as highly important. And find yourself a lot more flexible on the physical package it comes in. And here's the interesting thing about that. Once I let go of my physical package....aka my type. I met a man who was physically more attractive than all the others as well as having the above too. In short, my type, was keeping me away from the right guy, and the right guy is actually much better in every way. No compromise at all. So keep doing what you're doing. No-one is perfect but crazy seems to be entirely common and there's no shame to saying no to that. If you are a member of the sane minority then it makes sense to want to date the sane minority and that does mean bypassing the majority. It will feel like you reject a lot of options, but if they aren't reasonable options then you need to reject them. Good luck on your journey. Thank you for this awesome post. Everything you said makes sense to me. Congrats on finding the "right one for you". I was close to that recently, but it wasn't meant to be and didn't work out. I do value mental stability, kindness and character...I really do. In the past though,I think I got carried away with men who've come on too strong,too soon because that's what I lacked growing up,i.e. my father. I mention that only to remind myself that I have to be more guarded sometimes because I'm a somewhat of a free spirit and the " crazies" seem to be drawn to me always saying I seem so peaceful or muse-like... They have typically all been pretty controlling and nearly drained all my positive energy. I just try being cautious about the type of energy I have in my space. I know that not all people will have your best interest at heart just because they like/love you. Not everyone will be faithful just because they say "I do". There are some things that we must compromise on,I just haven't figured out what that is for me.
muse08 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Thank you for this awesome post. Everything you said makes sense to me. Congrats on finding the "right one for you". I was close to that recently, but it wasn't meant to be and didn't work out. I do value mental stability, kindness and character...I really do. In the past though,I think I got carried away with men who've come on too strong,too soon because that's what I lacked growing up,i.e. my father. I mention that only to remind myself that I have to be more guarded sometimes because I'm a somewhat of a free spirit and the " crazies" seem to be drawn to me always saying I seem so peaceful or muse-like... They have typically all been pretty controlling and nearly drained all my positive energy. I just try being cautious about the type of energy I have in my space. I know that not all people will have your best interest at heart just because they like/love you. Not everyone will be faithful just because they say "I do". There are some things that we must compromise on,I just haven't figured out what that is for me. That's a realistic view to take. Most people go into marriages forgetting that their mates are human first. Then somewhere in the mix people change and gradually show their true colors. This is the stage where people either stick it out or run for the hills. 1
Standard-Fare Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Plan your life as if you're going to remain single, i.e. fully supporting yourself and helping your family. If your current status is unsustainable, figure out what needs to change to increase your financial stability. More education? Different career path? Real estate investment? That way, you can approach dating with a mentality of "I'm doing this because I WANT this, not because I NEED this." And you won't find yourself in the undesirable position of choosing a mate based on long-term stability needs. No one's denying the cold reality that marriage does come with financial benefits. It helps to have someone to share the load with, no doubt. But to base a life-long commitment on those factors...you already know that's a recipe for misery. 1
Popsicle Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 ... Aaah,lol. Are you being sarcastic or serious? Too together? Sooo not me... I honestly think I'm in btwn... Which is like most I would assume. Too together sounds like type A personality which is not me. I'm laid back, but I don't have a problem leaving a situation that seems to have no potential for a future. Besides, to together also sounds like someone who's just pretending to be together outwardly(appearance & otherwise), but are about to fall apart inwardly. Do lemme know if your statement was serious or sarcastic. I'd like to pick your brain. I was serious. I don't know, I just know men like women who show vulnerability. You may know inside yourself that you are but the key is showing it. They go crazy for that.
Author surferchic Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 I was serious. I don't know, I just know men like women who show vulnerability. You may know inside yourself that you are but the key is showing it. They go crazy for that. Well I think that was the problem w/my most recent involvement. Is very vulnerable and he saw that and tried dashing right in too strongly.it felt like he was trying to take advantage of that to trap me by trying to get me prego and talking about long term stuff,when I was not even over my ex prior to him. Perhaps you're speaking about unstable men...
Author surferchic Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Plan your life as if you're going to remain single, i.e. fully supporting yourself and helping your family. If your current status is unsustainable, figure out what needs to change to increase your financial stability. More education? Different career path? Real estate investment? That way, you can approach dating with a mentality of "I'm doing this because I WANT this, not because I NEED this." And you won't find yourself in the undesirable position of choosing a mate based on long-term stability needs. No one's denying the cold reality that marriage does come with financial benefits. It helps to have someone to share the load with, no doubt. But to base a life-long commitment on those factors...you already know that's a recipe for misery. Totally get this and agree. That makes sense, totally. That's been my plan... Just curious about how some people approach moving to that next level of the relationship, i.e. merging lives, marriage, etc.
ZA Dater Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I think this is an interesting discussion because where does one truly draw the line as to what are deal breakers and what one is prepared to compromise on. For me I take the view physically the person you meet today may not look the same in 10 years time so I think one should love a personality as opposed to a physical look, fall for who the person is and how they make you feel based on intangibles. Its perhaps a romantic notion but you just know when you meet that extremely special someone and it is an amazing feeling. 1
Author surferchic Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 ZA Dater, yes definitely@character taking a relationship to another level. √ Physical aspects do play a role in the initial attraction. However, I don't use that as my main prerequisite for dating a man unless he's a turnoff by his hygiene and grooming. •I've dated men who weren't the classic "stud" ,but they became so attractive to me for the way they treated me, their swag.... their moxie. √ What I will say I need to work on though is, not allowing a man's attentiveness to win me over... So quickly. Whether he's attractive or not, my weakness in the past has been a man's attentiveness to me and sometimes even his desire to occupy my time. To that end, it's been somewhat binding once that same attentive & "overzealous" man flips the script and starts showing his true colors, i.e. emotionally /verbally abusive, manipulative, hypocritical, etc. •I think many posters in this thread agree that there are dealbreakers. I just sometimes wonder if I should endure some intangibles to maintain the big picture,i.e. stability, sharing the load, companionship. √ But perhaps the question in this thread is intangible and abstract. And the answer is obviously relative ----> I mainly say that because I have a pattern of leaving a relationship soon after I see intangibles that annoy me. Then I'm on to the next man. Is that not what you're supposed to do, leave when you see character issues that compromise your sanity? Or should I just get therapy to work through these uncertainties and annoyances?<--------
muse08 Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Hey surfergirl. How about giving yourself a little more credit? The title of your thread could really be just, "what we do for love/survival/companionship... I don't think this is about money really... 1
Author surferchic Posted December 29, 2015 Author Posted December 29, 2015 Hey surfergirl. How about giving yourself a little more credit? The title of your thread could really be just, "what we do for love/survival/companionship... I don't think this is about money really... Excellent point. Wish I could change it. If anyone knows how, do let me know. I think initially I felt like " money " was just a metaphor for "things"... other than love, plus it felt more urgent! Thanks muse08
muse08 Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Gotcha. And my mistake about your handle. I meant surfchic, not surfergirl. :-( my apologies.
thespacey1 Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Actually, I think we all compromise in relationships. No matter how "good" we see ourselves as. I do think that if you desire to stay with someone who abuses you repeatedly, then that's not self love. If you choose to stay with someone who doesn't always call you as much as you want him/her to, then I think that means you're willing to work with them and communicate "better", not necessarily the way you want to a "T". Realistically, we all have different reasons for staying with someone vs. leaving them. Each reason includes at least a little bit of self serving.
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